It’s true! I can tell if a ska band sucks by just their name alone! Magic, you ask? No! Learn these tricks and you too will be enlightened! (Note: This only works for American bands that were never on Moon Records.)
1. A Number After The Name. Any band with a # after their name SUCKS. Rare cases of good bands with a # after their name tend to lead to the band’s dissolution (i.e. Agent 99 and Ocean 11).
2. Bad Ska Puns. Means that the band sucks. I makes sense: A band name reflects their music. Accordingly, a bad ska pun means the band is making a mockery of ska.
3. Something Something and the Something. If a band name follows that format, than that band SUCKS.
4. Three Words. Any band name that consists of three words, none being an article or preposition, means that the band SUCKS. The bands that REALLY SUCK follow an Adjective-Adjective-Noun or Adjective-Noun-Noun format.
5. Beat, Big, Crab, Dog, Go, Jimmy, Johnny, King, Mad, Punch, Slap, Soul, Soup, Start, Tone, Up. Any band name that contains any of these words means that the band SUCKS. Same thing with any reference to secret agents, inspectors, detectives, spies, professional assassins, the Mafia, Prohibition-era gangsters, or rudeboys.
6. Any name that starts with an F, J, K, P, U, W, or Y means the band SUCKS.
7. Using “Los” instead of “The” when the band is not Spanish means the band SUCKS.
8. If a band uses pornographic or obscene imagery in their name, then that band SUCKS.
9. Any religious, Star Wars, golf, bowling, coffee, car, or sea-faring creature reference, means the band SUCKS.
Try it out! You will soon see that all sucky bands follow at least one rule. Most of the really sucky ones overlap rules. Keep in mind that this works best for American bands that were never on Moon Records!
Play around with these rules and create a sucky band name! My favorites (and any relation to a real band is entirely coincidental):
Johnny Skappleseed and the Souptones; Jerk Rude Flip; Big Hot Jimmy and the Rude 69ers; Secret Agent 17; Mafia Crab Soup; King Punch & Los Stupid Assholes; Kongo Dick; Skinhead Kickboxer 7; Lock Stock and Testicles; The Go Go Bots; Less Than Good; Dem Stupid Fools; El Dirtbags; Child Rapin’ Bastards; Big Bad Vicious Swingin’ Morons; The Rhythm Kings; Real Big Pricks; The Pot Smokers; Hitmen For Jesus; The Ska Whales; Obi-Wan Ska-Nobi; The Very Very Very Craaaaazy Golf Balls; The Freakin’ Moms; Mad Service; Los Pontiac Oldsmobiles; Throat Culture; Incredible Fat Guy; Gangster Dwarf; Han Trumpet Solo; The Deceptitones; The Dispicabrats; The Ska-lards; The Acceptions; Nigel Ass Trio; Skaboner; Skarection; The Skaroin Addicts; The Demo-Sending Imbeciles; Undercover L.O.S.E.R.; Perfect Crap; The Skinhead Oi 2Tone 10 Year Olds; The Midwest Swankers; Whole Lotta Crappola; Noska; bomo bomo; Punch The Band; Chickenshit; Nuns Gone Bad; Don’s Big Dildo; Cousin Oliver; Skim Milka Skim; The Crochsters; Army of Dick; Sgt. Spaghetti; The Syncopators; Five Iron Blithering Fools; Dick Frenzy; The Honda Accords; Crap-O-Nine; Side-O-Beef; Less Than Talented; Supermarket Scumbags; The Big Name No-Talent All-Stars; Riccotta 69; Mento Commercials; Los Greaseballs; The Bay Area Morons; Losers From Out of Town; Less Than In-Tune; The Ass-tasters; Telephone; Telemarket; Judge Rubberneck; 3 Ball Combo; Can’t Play; Los Porkchop; The Skablins; Hard Big Shit; Checkerboard Retards; Old Perverted Guys With No Jobs; Critical Crap; Big Q and the Giant Assholes; Enid’s Garbage; What Gives; Teryaki Fools; Stepped In Dookie Lively; Explosive Diarrhea 4000; Sucka Punch; Hawaiian Punch; Freaks From Massapequa; Crumpets and Morons; Simon Has No Talent; Dr. Idiot; Ass Lick; Spider Nick & the Italians; Operation Skeevy; Jerks Like Us; The Shameless All-Stars; Ruder Than Jesus; The Checkered Cop Cars; The Aqua-Shmucks; The Utah Mormon Ska-Crap Ensemble; Dr. Dingle-Dongle & the Senior Testicles; House of Ritalin; International Pancake House of Rhythm; Overweight Ska-Punk Band; Big Snatch; Boston Drunk Fratboy Ska Band; Kicked In Da Ass; Slow Jerkin’; Skankin’ Dickle; Less Than Legal Girlfriends; Skalijah; Forbidden Crapnuts; Zoot Suit Pedophiles; Dion Knibb & the Irritations; The Skatalites Imitation Band; Marilyn Skanson; Jump With Doritoes; The Upbeat Wedding Band; The Ska-oi-punk-hardcore-dats; Mad Box; The Talentless But Girl-Fronted Ska Band; The Shitz; The Microwave Shitheads; Nasal Stylee; Crapdaddy; Big Daddy Multiplex; The Defecators; Crapulario; The Ska-Flakes; The Blueballs; Big Fat Hairy Sweaty Cheese Filled Ska Penis.