If Lightsabers Were Real
Articles | May 1st, 2003
Did you ever wonder If Lightsabers Were Real? Well we come up with a bunch of stupid ways where lightsabers would benefit in the real world.
Trim the hedges of many small villages
Move to Canada and become a lumberjack
Slash tires with ease
Go to Woodstock and have some fun
Cut my own hair (very carefully)
Finally open bags of chips
Chop down my basketball rim
Remodel my house
Ice sculptures
Give something new that Mason-heads could play with
Finally shut up that kid that reminds the teacher that they didn’t assign homework
Add a whole new meaning to the term anal probe
You thought sparklers were the coolest thing for Fourth of July?
Get rid of mosquitoes floating around the stagnant swamp I call my pool
Two words: pest control
Even out the legs of my table
No need for scissors anymore
Two more words: ultimate bug zapper (OK, I know thats three but use your imagination, OK?)
Light my cigarettes
Trim Chewbacca, that damn “walking carpet”
Play
Trim my nose hairs and other unsightly body hairs
Plastic surgery
Can opener
Cut cars in half… just because I could.
Finally be able to say “I am a Jedi like my father before me” and look really cool doing it.
Cut in line at the DMV and if anyone hassles me I’ll just blaze it up and watch em run.
Put it on my wall like a war veteran’s gun and say old man shit like “I fought in the clone wars, you whipper snapper!”
Surprise the fuck outta the pizza delivery boy when he pulls up to the driveway and I have it lit up and ready to go.
Two words… Red Rover.
Call myself Obi-Gallagher and cut watermelons all up.
Surprise the fuck out of a smoker when he asks me for a light.
Three words… Fucked up jacko’lantern.
Go into a field and practice on cows… then eat the leftovers.
