Adamo el Guapo Archive
Spooky Halloween Stories
You’ve all heard ghost stories and have seen scary movies, but now get ready for a true fright. Why? Because these stories are all TRUE.
* * *
I came home from work, tired and hungry. The apartment smelled warm and wonderful – fried onions, Indian spices, simmering chicken.
My wife came out of the kitchen and although I was tired, her smile jolted me with energy.
I skipped over to her for a smooch, and that’s when I saw it. I stood in horror.
HER HAND WAS A HOOK!
* * *
My friend Nick invited me over for some beer and video games. He had just gotten a Wii, which I hadn’t played yet, but it of course intrigued me.
I got to his place a little late, having had to first track down a bodega for a six-pack. He didn’t seem to mind, and soon we were cracking open some suds and laughing about our crappy jobs.
He put on Wii Sports, and I was pleased to find I was a natural – I was beating him silly even though I had never picked up the controller before.
I looked over to make a friendly but competitive remark, and that’s when I saw it and it all made sense.
HIS HAND WAS A HOOK!
* * *
Dr. Berkman is a nice enough fellow if sometimes too talkative. I also find it distressing that he calls me “paunchy” and likes to poke my belly with an ungloved finger. But I trust his opinion and wanted to get a nasty cough checked out.
He was explaining my condition, saying that besides a nasty cough, scratchy throat, and runny nose, I was also suffering from delusions that everyone has a hook for a hand. To emphasize his point, he poked my belly and I noticed it was a rather pointy poke. I slowly looked down…. and….
HIS HAND WAS A HOOK!
Bands You Should Know: Dead Kennedys
Many of our readers claim to be into punk, but how many of you know who the Dead Kennedys are? I know you’re scratching your head, but listen up because this is a band you should know about. So put down that Against Me CD, noob. School’s in session.
Origins
The Dead Kennedys began in the late 70s in San Francisco, a rare, angry right-wing band in a sea of complacent hippies. Combining raw punk, strange vocals, and a circus-like feel, they created a very different punk sound while embodying a more conservative side of the genre. Albums like “In God We Trust” and “Give Me Convenience or Give Me Death” reflect their pro-religion, pro-capitalist stance, while “Bedtime for Democracy” and “Viva Las Vegas” serve as a blueprint for America-first punk music to come.
Although most punk fans lean to the left socially and politically, the Dead Kennedys’ output should not be overlooked. The lyrics may be distasteful, but the songs themselves are too catchy to be ignored. Hits like “California Uber Alice,” “Kill the Poor,” and “Holidays in Cambodia” are great examples – they are uncomfortably right-wing and yet rank as two of best punk tunes from the 70s.
Today
In the 1990s, lead singer Jello Biafra became embroiled in a series of legal entanglements with Jello (the company) and the rest of his band over money and endorsements. Since then, “Jelly” Biafra has reunited with the group and they continue to tour as “DK”. Jelly also performs spoken word at poetry slams.
Interesting Facts
- The Dead Kennedys were not the first band to use fascist imagery in their music. The Ramones also sang about being “Nazi storm troopers” and how the “KKK took a baby away.” Some argue that both bands were just being cartoony and point to Joey and Jelly’s Jewishness.
- Guitarist East Side Ray was actually from the West Side of San Francisco!
- Many bands have since covered “Viva Las Vegas.”
Bands You Should Know: The Misfits
If you’re reading this on ReadJunk, you’re likely into punk rock. And if you’re into punk rock, there is one band you should know about: The Misfits.
Chances are, you’ve already heard them and just didn’t know it. When Halloween comes around, the song “Monster Mash” is everywhere. (“He did the mash! The monster mash!” That one.) Little did you know, that’s the Misfits, and believe it or not – that’s their worst song.
Origins
The Misfits were formed in the mid-1980s and were the first band to combine horror lyrics, monster movies, and rock n roll. Their early sound was raw, loud, and as scary as their lyrics. Much of it you couldn’t make out due to Henry Rollins’ slurring and drippingly evil delivery. But the music was fun – zippy guitars, thumping bass, simple drums, and an overall menace that would send chills down your spine!
Today
Rollins left the band a long time ago and the band laid dormant for awhile, not unlike the vampires they sang about. Then, like a zombie, they rose from the dead with a number of new singers. They are currently fronted by none other than Joey Ramone.
Interesting Facts
- The band named themselves after the 1961 zombie movie of the same name, starring Marilyn Monroe. The Misfits are huge Monroe fans and have a song called “Who Killed Marilyn Monroe.”
- The Misfits have influenced a huge number of more successful horror punk bands, like My Chemical Romance and AFI. They also ghostwrote (no pun intended!) a Metallica song.
- The Misfits were the first band to have a skull for a logo, which their record label reportedly did not like.
- Although they sing about dark, horrible, Satanic things, Misfits members were comprised of devout Christians and a Jew.
- When he left the band, Rollins started a band called Danzig before he gained popularity with his solo music and acting careers.
Harry Potter FanFic: The High School Reunion
Ten years had past since the terrible and amazing events ten years prior. Harry Potter and his wife Cho Chang, sorry, Cho Potter, were sitting in their beautiful house on Long Island. Harry Potter was growing a little gray and his back hurt, but Cho still made him mow the lawn and he was really grumpy. Oh, he couldn’t use his magic because they lived around muggles and his neighbors were real yentas. Anyway, Harry Potter was grumpy but something brightened his day.
“I got a letter!” he said, happily.
“Who’s it from??” said Cho, as she made some lemonade.
“It’s from Hogwarts! OMG, it’s our 10-year reunion! Time goes by so fast!” said Harry Potter happily.
“Wow, are you going to go?” said Cho, as she vaccuumed the floor.
“Yes, we’re going!” said Harry Potter happily. He was happy because earlier that day he was passed up for a manager job at Jennifer Convertibles even though he’s the best damn salesman there. Without even using magic! And honestly, things weren’t as great as they were in the beginning with Cho. Harry Potter missed his friends – Hermione, Hagrid, Neville Longbottom, and… Ron.
Harry Potter thought a lot about Ron. The fun times they had living together for so many years, learning spells and going on adventures. Those days were so much more fun than in the following years when he settled down and got a job to pay the bills. Now his head was balding and he was getting an ulcer. This reunion would definitely make him feel younger!
Harry and Cho Potter packed some luggage and took the magic train to Hogwarts. Harry Potter looked out the window and fondly remembered the car-eating tree and other stuff. Soon, Hogwarts came into sight and it was the huge beautiful castle he always remembered. It was lit up with christmas lights and he could smell roasted unicorn even from where he was sitting.
They went into the castle which was turned into a ballroom. A DJ was magically making music appear out of speakers. It was all the hits from 10 years ago – Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Hoobastank. Harry Potter listened to it fondly with nostalgia. Suddenly, Hermione appeared. She looked older and was pregnant, but she was still beautiful. They had some chit chat but Harry Potter felt like they no longer had anything in common. She mentioned she married Ron, and Harry Potter’s ears perked up. “Where is Ron?” he asked but then he saw him.
Ron was standing across the room by the DJ. Harry Potter started walking toward him but Hagrid got in his way.
“HARRY POTTER! ARRR!! SO GOOD TO SEE YOU MATEY!!” bellowed Hagrid heartily.
“Silencio!” said Harry Potter and Hagrid became silent.
“NOOOOOOooo!” bellowed Hagrid heartily.
Harry Potter walked past him and that’s when Ron saw him. Their eyes met while Pearl Jam’s “Jeremy” played in the background. It was their song – it was on the radio the first time night they got wands and were playing with each other’s wands.
“Hi,” said Harry Potter.
“Hi,” said Ron.
“It’s great seeing you,” said Harry Potter.
“It’s so great seeing you,” said Ron.
“Well, Cho probably wants some punch. She is such a ballbuster,” said Harry Potter.
“Yeah, Hermione is a ballbuster too,” said Ron.
“Ron, if I could cast a spell anymore, I’d turn you into a woman,” said Harry Potter.
Ron blushed. “I know, Harry Potter,” he said.
And the night ended and Harry Potter had to climb back into his magic train back to Long Island. But on the way home, he wasn’t sad. He smiled happily.
And that was the greatest magic of all.
Beastie Boys Sucks Hate Mail #1
Some people simply can’t respect an honest opinion. Below is a sampling of the closed-minded emails we’ve received because we dared to point out some unpleasant facts about a popular band. Original article is here.
From: bjmclane@###.com
Subject: Beastie Boys Suck?
Dear Adamo elGuapo,
I hope that you really aren’t an editor. You would think if you were going to write an article bashing anyone, you would do your research first– especially considering the vast amounts of literature penned about the Beastie Boys over the past 25 years.
Let’s begin with your invitation for the Beastie Boys to go to Brooklyn. Doubtful the Beasties even need an invitation to go to that borough since they were born and raised in Brooklyn. I’m also disappointed in your claim that the Beastie Boys don’t play their own instrauments, and thus cannot be called a band. Funny you say that, since they started off (in Brooklyn) as a punk band, playing their own instrauments. You should listen to the albums “Some Old Bull Shit,” “The In Sounds from Way Out” and “Check Your Head” if you want to hear the Beasties playing their own instrauments. Actually, why don’t you just put on any of their albums (sans “Paul’s Boutique”) to hear the Beastie Boys, the band. If you need further proof the Beasties can play their own instrauments, simply watch any one of their concerts– they always play a half-hour instraumental set.
I could launch into a thesis about how “Paul’s Boutique” is perhaps the most influential rap album of all time, but I’ll stop wasting my breath arguing a point that needs no defense. Like them or not, the Beastie Boys are talented and revolutionary musicians who have helped guide music to where it is today. You would, of course, know this if you actually listened to the Beastie Boys.
Sincerely,
Brendan
PS- FYI: LL Cool J is NOT white.
El Guapo responds: I only skimmed your letter, and some of it was absolutely ridiculous, almost beneath response. “Paul’s Boutique” is the most influential rap album? Yeah, I guess that’s why I’ve never heard of it. Go pick up Jay-Z’s The Black Album and learn something about hip hop.
From: antimatter2380@###.com
Subject: Ignorance isn’t bliss
I just read your article about the Beastie boys. All I could say is that you are IGNORANT and the band. You come off only knowing the radio songs. Try listening to their second album. There are more then 400 samples on it, most of it I imagine you wouldn’t get. On top of that, they are (not were) one of the most influential bands out there. And yes they are a band. They PLAY their own instruments, and coming from someone who plays 4 instruments himself, and are quite talented at them. Plus, you hypocrite, 50 cent and fat Joe don’t play anything but are talented in their own right. I would imagine that fat Joe would agree with me about their influence and give them the respect they deserve.
P.S. try listening more then just the radio before you go slandering other people and bands.
El Guapo responds: You talk an awful lot about respect for someone bashing a visionary like Fat Joe. The only one slandering people is YOU.
From: fnancyc1@###.com
Subject: beastie boys suck
it is true some of their songs are for the white meat head masses of suburbia but just because they “dont play instruments” means they suck or aren’t a band… they’re not. they’re a rap group. also mike d and mca did infact come from brooklyn and ad-rock did infact come from manhattan. they all were lower-middle class. and they all, at no time, said they were thugs or from the ghetto. they do what they do and sing their songs uniquely and because they want to. the beats they come up with are, in my opinion, pretty bad. other songs like “no sleep til brooklyn” or “paul revere” and catchy and the boys can flow. to say they suck is you opinion ok, but sickin’ 50 or fat joe on them would be stupid because never has the BB ever said they were thugz or grew up homeless. rappin’ makes them happy and they do it to entertain. they can choose their fanbase. if frat boys tend to like the music well damn… not their fault.
that was my rebutle, thanks for listening,
chad the infamous
El Guapo responds: Hi Chad, sounds like you agree with me. Glad to see someone with brains is visiting this site for once.
From: kevincarmody2003@###.com
Subject: Yo!
I was surfin the net and found this Beastie Boys dis article. The person who wrote it says his name is Adamo El Guapo! News flash! The Beastie Boys do play there own instruments, L.L.Cool j is black,Im a 50 cent fan, and MCA is from Brooklyn. Nice job on dissing one of hip hops greatest groups. Oh and bye the way, tune into VH1 on Oct.17th. @ 9pm. The Beastie Boys are one of the honorees on the 3rd annual Hip Hop honors!
El Guapo responds: What are you, part of a VH1 street team? Yeah, the Beastie Boys must be REAL cool if VH1 is honoring them! Doesn’t VH1 just play Phil Collins videos?
From: alan_stout@###.com
Subject: None
not only do the beastie boys play instruments they are masters of
more than one type of music (they started as a punk band). try
listening to “the in sounds from way out” also just in general you
need to pull your head out of your ass (a task that may require the
use of power tools). shouldn’t you be going through your midlife
crisis or something?! leave writing about music to people who listen
to it.
if your article was a joke sry, i didn’t get it.
El Guapo responds: Why are you so obsessed with my head, ass, and power tools? Get a life, freak.
From: loriwatkins@###.net
Subject: Beastie Boys
I read your article on the Beastie Boys and let me start by stating that it is obviously your right to not like them, but you really should get your facts straight. First of all their first album was huge as far as being a cross over album, go back to the time, white people were for the most part were not listening to rap, you can also give Run DMC credit for this. Paul’s Boutique, their second album was creative genius and has a tremendous amount of great sambles on it and because of the cost of sampling today probably would not be made in this day and age (try listening to it on headfones). On Check Your Head and Ill Communication they did play their instruments. Hello Nasty also had some great sampling on it, although I like the album, I know many think the lyrics are weak. Their last album was not so great, but you did not even aknowledge a recent album. As for them being from New York, they are, Adam Horovitz grew up in the Village, his father is a famous playwrite, Mike Diamond grew up I believe in the Upper West side of Manhattan and Adam Yauch grew up in Brooklyn. They were part of the New York punk scene when they first started as a band, that is why in the Fight For Your Right video there are people from Hard Core bands in the video (members of Murphy’s Law) And by the way LL Cook J last time I looked was not white.
El Guapo responds: I tried to figure out your point, but then realized you don’t have one. Makes me wonder if Beastie Boys fans can put together even one coherent sentence.
From: rob@table###.com
Subject: throw in the towel
Adamo,
If you purport to be a learned figure in the world of music and youth culture -
its time to give it up.. your article on the Beastie Boys shows a complete lack
of understanding of their music, culture, or hip hop in general. The Beastie
Boys epitomize new york cool. they have held it down – setting trends for 20
years now. 50 cent? is there a single ounce of originality in anything he
produces?
you know nothing.
go back – study some music history – and listen LISTEN to some music – check the
samples the beasties are using, check WHEN they were using them. See what other
people were using – and then what they used after Paul’s boutique.
and get your head out of your ass.
El Guapo responds: That’s hilarious that you think I should STUDY music. If you have to learn about music from books to appreciate it, THEN IT’S NOT GOOD TO BEGIN WITH!
Movie Sequels We’d Like To See
In a recent column on cinematical.com, Christopher Campbell ponders the films that need sequels. He had some good picks, but honestly, most movies don’t need to be revisited unless there’s a real need to continue a storyline. So we thought about the movies that haven’t told their whole story yet. Here’s our wish list, as well as our vision for the sequel.
The Goonies
WHY: One of the greatest kiddy adventure movies of all time, The Goonies also jumpstarted the pirate trend. With pirates being back on the big screen, the time is ripe for the return of One-Eyed Willie.
PLOT: In the first movie, the kids had to find treasure to save their town. Their town is now under attack again – Starbucks is going to tear down Mikey’s house unless Mikey, now 40, can raise a few million. He recruits the help of all his old friends and they find a trap door in Mikey’s basement and they go deep into an abandoned mine to find more pirate booty. And rediscover friendship in the process.
Big
WHY: In the first movie, a 12-year-old turns into Tom Hanks and gets laid. Could it happen again?
PLOT: The young kid is now an adult – Tom Hanks! But Tom Hanks wishes he were older so he could get old person discounts and maybe meet the woman from the first movie, but she’s a lot older now. So Zoltar grants his wish, and Tom Hanks soon realizes that being in his 70s is not all it’s cracked up to be.
Groundhog’s Day
WHY: The first movie was innovative in repeating the same thing over and over again with hilarious results!
PLOT: Honestly, they could just release the first movie again, and it would be like the sequel is repeating the first one! So not only is the movie already guaranteed to be good, but this idea is pretty smart and clever and the fancy shmancy critics will love it.
Annie Hall
WHY: We all wondered the same thing at the end of Annie Hall – will they ever get back together? And why would any New Yorker move to Los Angeles?
PLOT: Surviving a near overdose of cocaine and pills, Annie Hall realizes Los Angeles is a disgusting, horrible place filled with disgusting, horrible people. She returns to New York but doesn’t tell Woody Allen… yet fate keeps throwing them in each other’s paths. Kirsten Dunst takes over the role, since Diane Keaton is looking a bit ragged these days. Woody Allen plays himself again.
Rain Man
WHY: If there’s one thing Rain Man taught us, it’s that autism can be funny. That whole “K-Mart sucks” thing could be considered the funniest scene from the 80s. They could definitely expound upon the buddy road trip hijinx of the first movie.
PLOT: Tom Cruise’s character wants to rob some casinos a la Ocean’s 12. He enlists the help of the autistic guy to memorize secret codes and stuff. But first they have to drive all the way to Vegas, and a lot of wacky-yet-heartfelt stuff happens. Note: this movie could only work if that autistic actor is still alive. If not, they could do a prequel and get Johnny Knoxville or the guy who played Stifler.
Holy Man
WHY: I don’t think this movie did well, which is surprising given the stellar casting and funny storyline. A spiritual man gets his own tv show – funny stuff! It’s a role Eddie Murphy pulled off with an over-the-top hilarity and flair, and I’m sure he misses the character.
PLOT: The holy man becomes an even huger sensation, becomes a talk show host, and even puts out his own Foreman Grill. But his agent Jeff Goldblum wants him to start boxing instead. Oh yeah, this is also a sequel to The Great White Hype.
Michael
WHY: While not the best John Travolta movie (that award goes to Pulp Fiction, Broken Arrows, and Face Off), probably no movie discussed religious topics in such an interesting manner as Michael. I would love to watch more of this funny archangel and the lives he’s touched.
PLOT: This time we find Michael in Heaven, and he discovers the TRUTH!
K. Page & Sleepwalker’s Parade “Green City”
Record Label: RealPolitik Records
Genre: Singer/Songwriter
Band Link: link
Buy on Amazon.com:
A female-fronted singer/songwriter album, but the accompaniment is lightly experimental jazz-rock. The airy, jazzy, and whimsical approach is a nice change from the usual, boring singer/guitar crap, but it’s still not terribly interesting.
RATING & SUMMARY:
Bottom Line: Singer/songwriter over jazz-rock fusion.
Notable Tracks:
Overall Rating: 
A Hundred Dollars And A T-Shirt: A Documentary About Zines In The Northwest U.S.
Starring:
Written By:
Directed By: Basil Shadid, Rev. Phil Sano, Nickey Robo, and Joe Biel
Studio: Microcosm Publishing
Buy on Amazon.com:
In this documentary, loads of zinesters, almost entirely from Portland, discuss the usual zine questions: “what is a zine?” “why do I make it?” and “how do I make it?” Its heart is in the right place, but the documentary is so boring, banal and pointless, you have to wonder if anyone but the interviewees would be interested in watching it.
Parts of the problem are the lack of narration, context, or debate; it relies on never-ending snippets of the same-sounding quotes from countless people who all look and say the same thing. Even if the documentary were to be comprised solely of interviews, it would have been more interesting if they had spent more time on fewer people to hear more personal thoughts and anecdotal stories on zining. And it would have been nice to hear from different types of people not just the young fat feminists and older creepy balding guys, but a variety of folks from zine readers to major media representatives to librarians to bands and musicians, all giving their perspectives on the influence of zines. (Oh wait, that’s right, music zines aren’t considered “real zines.” *snort*)
Another problem are the standard and uninteresting questions the interviewees expound upon. Zines are cool, but who wants to hear for ten minutes about how they’re stapled? And sometimes I felt the point of the documentary was to see how many times “DIY” could be mentioned in an hour. At this juncture in time, an interesting documentary on zines should focus on questions of the point of print zines in this era of technology that makes DIY expression and publishing accessible to anyone. How have web sites and blogs affected zines? How has mass communication and emailing affected the penpal culture of zining? Is there any advantage to zining when you could express yourself cheaply and reach more people online? With its lack of any present-day perspective, this documentary could’ve been made 15-20 years ago and would have looked exactly the same.
Perhaps instead of a film, Microcosm should have just compiled a big zine, filled with zinester’s perspectives on zining, alongside samples from their work. That would make a more apropos project, not to mention more interesting to zine fans.
Features:
Audio Commentary
more
Audio:
Video:
Subtitles:
RATING & SUMMARY:
Favorites:
Rating: NR
Running Time: 71 minutes
Extras Rating: 
Overall Rating: 
The Beastie Boys Suck
Most people who listen to top 40 music would disagree with the title of this article. After all, aren’t the Beastie Boys catchy? Aren’t they fun and easy to dance to?
Sure they are, but that doesn’t make them a good “band,” if you could even call them that. (They don’t play any instruments)
The Beastie Boys started 20 years ago when their debut album exploded onto the party scene. “You’ve Got To Fight For Your Right To Party” was the biggest song of its day, and you could hear it on every radio and at every block party, sweet 16 and Bar Mitzvah. The song itself isn’t bad, and I have to give it credit for being one of the first rap songs. But unfortunately, the song also jumpstarted the frat boy movement.
Sure, there were always frat boys, but this song gave them a soundtrack. The Beastie Boys didn’t stop there, as they then released “Hey Ladies!”, an irritating song that only fratboys and Christopher Walkin liked because it “has a lot of cowbell.” And a song about hitting cars with eggs. Typical meathead frat boy bullshit.
The Beastie Boys were soon overshadowed by other flavors of the week, like fellow white rappers Vanilla Ice, LL Cool J, and Snow (remember him??). Also the guy who sang “You’re unbelievable! Oh!” (Someone please let me know who sang it – I want to DL it.) Later came Nirvana and Green Day, and the grunge and punk movements respectively.
The Beastie Boys tried everything to come back, even pretending to be another band for their Sabotage video which was so stupid. Finally after 20 years, they have a big hit called “Intergalactic,” so named because you wish you could shoot the Beastie Boys into space. The song taught a new wave of bullies and frat boys how to dance like morons and think their into rap. (I’d love to see any Beastie Boy fan spend more than a minute in the same room as a 50 Cent fan!!)
The Beastie Boys haven’t done much since but I’m sure they are still around, infecting the true rap scene with their crappy 40 year old white boy fraternity hazing chants. They pretend to be from New York – yeah maybe the Village. Fat Joe should invite them to Brooklyn and show them the real deal.
please e-mail Adamo your feedback here.
25 Worst Things About Punk
25. Can’t Wait One Minute More
Punk in commercials. People have complained about it forever, but much of it doesn’t bother me. So the Ramones sell soda and mobile phone plans – big deal. Joey Ramone always wanted to have a big commercial hit anyway. The trend I find disturbing is punk rock you simply couldn’t imagine being commercialized. First you had Levi’s trying to use “Holiday In Cambodia,” which I suppose makes sense since that’s where the jeans are made. But class warriors The Clash selling Jaguar? Thug / tough guy wannabes the Transplants selling fruit shampoo? What next – Skrewdriver songs to sell Hebrew National Kosher Hot Dogs?
24. Punk In Movies
You know exactly where punk rock stands in today’s society when it’s featured prominently in Disney movies like Herbie Fully Loaded and Freaky Friday. Next time you think you’re rebellious, just remember that the 7-year old girl down the street is skipping along to the same music you like.
23. Arrrr-ible
Okay, pirate imagery and lyrics aren’t that big anymore, and when this trend was in bloom, the worst perpetrators were in the ska scene. But to make sure the coffin remains nailed shut, let me remind you that the ONLY sea shanty that could be considered punk rock is the Sex Pistols’ Friggin’ in the Riggin’, and that song flat-out sucks.
22. Punk’d
Why did our beloved word for underground culture become synonymous with pulling some lame, rated-G, unfunny prank on B-list celebrities? I want to see Ashton Kutcher punked – in the prison sense of the term.
21. Noise Punk
Unless you are Japanese, you have no business being in a noise band, no matter how long and clever your song titles are.
20. Political Pop Punk
I listen to pop punk to hear songs about being 40 and crushing on high school girls. I really don’t care about Green Day’s opinions on the fluctuating Euro.
19. Enhanced CDs
Is there anything worse than wanting to hear a CD on your computer, only instead of playing music, every application freezes as the disc tries to launch some crappy web site that offers such important features as a press kit, one crappy video, and an e-card? Y’know, we are smart enough to go to a band’s website if we wanted to – we don’t need this crap forced upon us when we just want to listen to music.
18. Epitaph’s Epitaph
Yeah, they’re the Microsoft of punk and as “indie” as Enron, but they used to produce tons of quality albums. Seeing a promo from Epitaph used to brighten my day. Now I groan and curse the gods. Instead of continuing to do what they do best, two or three years ago Epitaph decided that expansion was the key to good business, and now they have a dozen or so imprints showcasing the blues, hip-hop, Eurotrash, and over-the-hill alternative rockers. Losing sight of their core competencies, they’ve watered down their label to the point of losing all credibility. Epitaph needs to revisit their business model and branding strategies.
17. Downfall of Lookout!
Epitaph’s turnaround is an example of a larger trend of diversification within labels. Lookout! is another good case study. Known for being the top, best, greatest, go-to label for Bay Area-style pop-punk, they’re now as unfocused as Hopeless and as crappy as Drive-Thru. Garage, emo, singer/songwriters, hipster fashion bands, 80s throwbacks… while the pop-punk – and Lookout’s core fans – have all but vanished. Way to squander all the money you generate off of old Green Day albums!
16. Sappy Acoustic Solo Album By A Punker
Just stop. Okay? Just stop.
15. Anti-Capitalist Bands
Either give away your CDs for free or shut the fuck up.
14. McPunk
Sure, a lot of these bands write good music, and to be honest, I don’t mind the traditional instruments they sometimes feel they need to throw in for cred. But do you think it would be possible to write lyrics that aren’t about: drinking whiskey, working in the coal mines and factories, hanging out at the pub, and the retelling of some ancient battle with England that no one cares about? Especially since none of these bands actually live, or have ever lived, in Ireland, nor have ever worked in a coal mine or factory, nor have done any hard labor except maybe deliver pizzas, since they’ve all grown up in middle-class suburbs of Boston?
13. Christcore
Jesus doesn’t care about your shitty band. Stop thanking him like you know the guy – it only makes him look bad.
12. Hardcore Reissues
Since hardcore bands change labels like some emo bands change tampons, labels feel the need to reissue the old albums of their new signings… even if the old albums came out a year or two ago. Listen – reissues are to make available very old, hard-to-find, long out-of-print music, not to make more money off the same crap just because you suddenly received the rights to do it.
11. Hardcore Anthologies
Shitty band plays shitty hardcore. They play locally for about a year, releasing three 7″s and contributing to a couple of local comps, before collapsing under the weight of their own crappiness. But wait! They’re from the 80s! Dust off those tapes, we’re making a CD anthology of this “classic” and “influential” band with unlistenable bonus demo versions and terrible live tracks! Sadly, this logic actually works very well in the hardcore scene.
10. E-Cards: Who Fucking Cares?
When did someone decide that e-cards were punk rock? Why does every web site offer them? Do people use them? Who are these people? Why are publicists emailing me about them? Why does punknews.org post about new e-cards as if their existence is legitimate news? Is there anything more pointless than an e-card? I mean, why don’t you just email banner ads to each other?
9. Punk Bands Reunited
Why can’t long-disbanded groups just leave things be? It’s been recently reported that The Clash are “reuniting” with Tim Armstrong on vocals. Why not simply dig up Joe Strummer and sodomize his corpse on stage? Besides, Tim Armstrong thinks he’s been in the Clash for the past 15 years. Please don’t feed into his delusions.
8. Zines
Music zines come in two varieties: 1) mouthpiece for labels and other advertisers, with countless band spotlights, scene reports, news and release schedules, record reviews, show reviews, interviews, and other rewritten press kit blurbs, and 2) same as #1 but with repetitive political rants. What a waste of trees. It really says something when the most popular zine is Maximumrocknroll and everyone claims to buy it “only for the ads.”
7. Cover… your ears!
The Dan Band and Me First get old pretty quick, just to let you know. Sure, you’re curious about the novelty of a punk version of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow,” but are you really going to listen to it more than once? Stop encouraging this crap.
6. Cover Comps
Yay, crappy bands doing crappy covers of other crappy bands! That’s EXACTLY what I want to listen to! How ever did you know, Fearless?
5. Mallpunk/Warped Punk
This “punk rock” is so watered down, Poland Spring wants to bottle it.
4. Reaper Ramone
The specter of death is hanging over the Ramones so much, they might as well make him an honorary member. And you can’t even say there are any more Ramones left, cuz the survivors are the crappy Ramones that no one cares about.
3. Metalcore
Too screamy and obnoxious to be hardcore; too untalented to be metal. The retarded frat boy stepbrother of punk rock.
2. Williamsburg
Suburban kids move to Brooklyn, raising the rents and driving out the working class families that were living there. Then the suburban kids spend hundreds of dollars to look unkempt, so they “look” like Brooklynites. Once they’ve fashioned themselves into such cool people, their narcissism leads them to creating a shitty band that reflects their lives – a lot of money to sound “garagey” and “soulful,” but it’s ultimately hollow, empty and eye-rollingly contrived. If these bands think they’re so cool and so urban, I’d like to see them spend 25 minutes in East New York.
1. Emo
It seems like what was once a couple of marginalized sadsack indie bands has spread into every corner of good music, corrupting and twisting it into the lamest, most unlistenable diarrhea-spewing pussyfarts imaginable. Things were fine when we just had to contend with Jawbreaker and Promise Ring. Now emo is practically synonymous with “punk,” with every new “punk” band, playing this testicle-less, whiny-bitch, woe-is-me bullshit, just because the idiot 14-year-old girls eat this shit up, and therefore will eat up the band members’ sperm. I have seen vaginas more manly than these bands. This radio-friendly garbage is so unpunk that its very existence will no doubt kill off the remaining Ramones – you know, umm… Ritchie, Tommy… and uh… Stinky. Anyone who plays emo has no respect for independent music, no respect for me, and no respect for themselves. Any label that encourages this flavor-of-the-month, which has somehow become the flavor-of-the-decade, needs to publicly apologize for pissing on the grave of punk rock in the name of the holy dollar. And then they and their bands need to whore themselves out, just as they whored out punk rock. And after all that whoring, they may finally have something to whine about. Damn you, emo. You are so weak, and yet so powerful. May god have mercy on all of your souls, you lame-ass shitlicks.
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