Five monkeys attacked my face this morning!!!

I was just thinkng 2 myself, fredrico, u r the smartest and sweomest person in the universe, possibly that other universe over to the side also, so why do you even bother pretending like your not? So being the witty fello that I am, I said, “Yo mamma!” And a good laff was had all round.

Wich brings me to my point. It is halloween and witches are everywhere, also those creepy talking skeletons that are all like “Boo, i’m gonna eat you and absorb you’re skin and crap and turn back into a real boy” kind of like that pennochio movie but less horrific and with less gun shootouts, but anyway. I was at the target mart the other day and they had this thing, it was like a halloween decoration its a severed leg that you can put hanging out of you’re briefcase or trunk or whatever, then i was lal like driving home and i totally saw one sticking out of some1’s trunk!! And I wsa alll like “Hell yeah, dawg” and I went over to there car and high fived them!! Yay!

A Open Letter to Guillermo De Torro

A open Letter to Guilermo del Torro

RE: The Hobbit and The Hobbit 2: The Streets

Dear Mr Torro,

Peter Jackson screwed up those stupid Lord of the Dance movies. In making three five-hour long films he somehow forgot the most important character. So when your making you’re Hobbit movies, please include Tom Bombadil. This is you’re chance to prove once and for all that your better than the hack that made that movie about Marty Mcfly getting beaten up by ghosts.

Sincerly,

Worlds Most Loved and Populor Blogger,
Fredrico el Guapo

The truest thing that ever trued!

Look, there are three things in life that are definitely totally absolutely true:

1 – taxes. cuz those evil liberal democrats hate america.
B – Death. Cuz Death is a dick. Seriously, did yous ee him tryint to cheat at battleship against Bill and TEd?
C – Kilroy Was Here is Rush’s greatest epic sci-fi concept album, even better than 2112
D – Hot chicks are the greatest.

But you know people, I’m thinking there’s a fourth super-true thing. Its supercomplicated, cuz I’m a supergenius, but what it all boils down to is that; comic movies are cool! Even better than the comic books cuz you don’t have to read, well, unless it’s some damn foreighner thing with subtitles, stupid foreighners, LEARN TO SPEAK ENGLISH BEFOREY OU RELEASE YOUR CRAPY MOVIE IN OUR COUNTRY!!!!

sO YEAH, COMIC MOVIES ARE AWESOME. i JUST POINT THIS OUT BECAUSE i’M SUPER EXCITED ABOUT THE UPCOMING COMIC MASTERPIECES IRON HULK, HELLBOY’S GOLDEN ARMY, AND KEVIN MENCH VS THE OCTOPUS MEN. tHIS PROMISES TO BE A GREAT SEASON OF SUMMER MOVIE COMICS, OH YEAH, AND THAT BATMAN ONE TOO, HE’S AWESOME CUZ HES’ ALL GRITTY AND BADASS LIKE MARVEL, YET NOT MARVEL, HOW CONFUSING. sO YEAH, EVEN THOUGH INDY JONES OWULD TOTALLY WHIP HIS ASS GOOD, CUZ BDSM IS THE BEST, BATMAN COULD TOTALLY EAT THE HULK. wAIT, i THINK i GOT OFF TOPIC HERE. yEAH THATS RIGHT BITCHES, SEX IS TEH BOMB!!!!!!

Why I Should Eat You’re Face

The other day I was totally using my amazing super brain to think the other day, and I was thinking about crazy evil warlords of the past, guys like Gengis Khan and Alexander the Hun and stuff, guys who were all super badass and wouldnt think twice about putting an ax in you’re brain and then laughing at you while nailing five hot woman, and I was like, man, my life should be more like that.

When I go to my super awesome high poewr corporate CEO position to work and all the other fry coo- uh, high powered CEO guys are all like, dude, you suck, I’d totally throw them in the friers and then eat their faces like a savage badass madman. When that stupid cop is all like tailgating me and all like trying to give me a ticket just cuz I was driving my megahot sports car 120 mph, I’d be all like, dude, here’s an arrow, eat it, ahahaha!!!!! In the unlikely even that a mega hottie would turn down me, sexiest man alive, I’d be all like, listen wench, your mine if you like it or not, and she’d be all like swoon, I love you Fredrico.

I tell u, life was better when people were totally axing each other instead of using those stupid computer things. I mean really, who uses one of thems? Nerds! That’s who!!

How to start teh New year in STYLE dawg!

So everyone asks me ,Fredrico your so smart, why don’t you tell us the most best way to start this exiting new year we have here now that it is January of 2008? I( say okay, here we go. See, I was thinking super duper hard about his condundrum and I realized, the best way to start a year is to set a super awesome goal for yourself and then to follow through and CARRY IT OUT!!! So what was the great super awesome goal I decided on?

Well I thought about it, and realized I am already super awesome and totally brilliant and an amazing lover and all that but, what else could I do? SHOOT LAVA OUT OF MY MOUTH< THAT”S WHAT!!!!!

Now you may say “Wait Fredrico, that’s a little hard to do isnt it?” But I say “Shut up you dumass I know what I’m doing!!!”

So here’s my awesome month-by-month plan to be able to shoot lava out of my mouth by the end of the year:

January – Look at picture books of volcanoes. Study there methods and attitudes.
February – Give lava rock to my many ladies for Valentines Day. Watch them swoon and totally put out extra much, proving that even old dead lava is awesome.
March – Drink green beer cuz its the cool thing to do for St Patty. That’ll take up the whole month.
April – Combat april showers with awesome heat related stuff like fire and junk , proving that lava mouth would make me awesome and unstoppable, also able to control weather.
May – Travel to closest volcano. Stay at base. Study it.
June – Nail some hot bikini girls cuz thats what June is for, you stupid losers.
July – Travel to next closest volcano. Walk slightly up side.
August – Travel to top of volcano. Look down inside.
September – You know how on Christmas that one stupdi channel shows a 24 hour marathon of Christmas Story? WEll, do that, only with super-educational yet entertaining Joe vs. The Volcano.
October – Dress as volcano for Halloween so as to warn my ladies and stuff.
November – go for swim in lava, protected by skin now impervious to lava due to lots of lave and volcano studying. Also drink some so insides know how to make it.
December – eat lots of rocks and stuff throughout the year, melt internalally, process into lava, celebrat eNew Years Eve by shooting lava at some stupid hippy liberals that are trying to destroy the country! LOL!!!

So there you have it, I now your awed by my amazing plan and you’re own resolutions are stupid and must be abandoned by comparison, but dont be jeals cuz I am the awesomest guy that ever rocked this earth! ROTF

Enough with the war on Christmas you jerks!

The other day, I saw this sign in a store, and it totally said “Happy holidays!” This is an affront to all Christians because by God, there’s only ONE holiday this time of year, CHRISTMAS, and if anyone tries to dismiss the Christ with the stupid generic “holidays”, they’re TOTALLY opressing me! What a bunch of jerkasses. I mean, come on! Santa Clause must be rolling over in his grave! Next time someone wishes me happy holidays, I’m going to punch them in the face, spit on them when they fall to the ground, maybe kick them in the nards if its a dude, and yell “This is for Jesus, you jerk!” I hate it when all the secular liberal hippy commies try to subvert the meaning of winter’s one and only holiday, and also the only religious ceremony that’s totally celebrated by every goddamn person on the freakin’ planet. I mean, ask ANY upstanding red-blooded American what they’re doing this Tuesday and they’ll respond “Spending the day on my knees in Church thanking Jesus for saving us from the marauding hordes!” Ask any commie hippy liberal what they’re doing this Tuesday and they’ll tell you “Worshipping the dark lord satan with baby sacrifices!” and if they say otherwise they’re DIRTY DISGUSTING LIARS. And anyone who doesn’t give the first answer, anyone who says they’re just spending the day with family or friends or whatever, is an EVIL DIRTY HIPPY COMMIE LIBERAL PIG who is really doing the stuff in the second answer. Yeah that’s right. And you can kick ‘em in the nard regions and yell “This is for Jesus and the good folks at Fox News who are totally NOT making a big issue out of nothing to distract their easily angered audience from real problems and issues facing the world! In your face, devil worshipper!” Also, I suggest we go to the local mall and beat up Santa and throw him out and replace him with one of those cool autorotica moving statues of baby Jesus, because if we’re not allowed to erect our religious symbols on other peoples properties then WE THE CHRISTIAN MINORITY OF THIS COUNTRY ARE BEING TOTALLY OPPRESSED BY THE EVIL DEVIL WORSHIPPING GODLESS SATAN LOVING COMMIE HIPPY LIBERAL PIGS. Look in your heart this holiday season, youll know what to do!!!!

Those goddamn kids these days

I dont know whats wrong with todays generation. They have million’s of crazy gadgets like their ipods and their computer boxes that fit on their laps, why back in my day a computer was a big giant box that had 20 mb of hard drive and a four color monitor and thats how we liked it! And remember 8 tracks? My god, these kids and their low-quality “digital music” don’t know what htye’re missing out on! And what’s all this nonsense about portably DVD players and crap? My betamax wasn’t movable and thats how I liked it! These goddamn kids, always entertained, not being totally SMART and PRODUCIVE like yours truly, Fredrico el Guapo. And don’t get me started on carphones! And why aren’t clickers called clickers anymore? What the hell is a remote anyway? What is with all this stupid gibberish talk of kids now?

U r a jerk and I hate u

Yeah. U! U know who I’m talking about. U no who u r. I hate u so much that I won’t call u you, just u for short. So suck it!

So if I saw u walking on teh street and I punched u, people would cheer. If I walked up to u in ur house and kicked u, the police would give me like this totally awesome reward, like a thousand dollars. If I whipped out my gun and shot u, Our Great Leader The Heroic President George W Bush would give me one of those metals of freedoms that that one dude got for his excellent work on iraq and that other dude got for his excellent work on that hurricane thingy. If I bit ur ear off Mike Tyson would worship me as his hero and inspiration. Thats how much u suck, u suckass.

U stink. Not just in the metamaphorical sense either, u actually have a gross smell. U r stupid and ugly and nobody likes u. I hope u are happy with the way ur life has turned out, u stupid jerkass scumjerk suckass.

Note: please ignore this if it wasn’t directed at you. Thanks have a nice day! :)

Ultimate Halloween Blog of Scary Horrors!!!

Well its Halloween so I’ll cap off my trilogy (or “thrillogy”, lol get it?) of super-scary true-life experiences of horror with my scariest experience ever.

So okay, like this one day I was walking around, when suddenly this guy comes up to me and he’s all like “Brains!” and I’m like, what, you need a brain, scarecrow? LOL and he’s all like “Brains!” and then he grabbed me and tried to bite my head!

Now I used my awesome powers of noticing stuff to notice that his skin was all blue and gray and rotting, and I thought to myself, hey Fredrico, you sexy studmuffin, perhaps this is a zombie you are dealing with!!!

So I was all like “Go away evil zombie man” but evil zombie man was all like “Brains!” so I totally whipped out my gun and gave him a faceful of hot lead LOL. But then some more zombies came out, and I was all like “Die zombie jerkfaces!” and I totally killed them all. But then suddenly this super hot girl dressed in black came up to me, and first I thought she was some stupid emo kid but no, she was actually hot and stuff, but anyway it turned out that she was totally an evil witch! and she was all like “I’m an evil devil worshipping monster who makes kids worship the devil with harry potter books before COOKING THEM ALIVE AND EATING THEY’RE SOULS LOL LOL” and I was like “Fudge, this is a bad situation of a mess you have got yourself into, Fredrico you handsome devil you.”

Well just as my luck would have it a Frankenstein totally come out and attacked! So me and the super hot witch had to team up to fight the Frankenstein! ANd he was all like “Grrr!” and throwing children at us and stuff, but we were determined and we totaly kicked his ass off! And the super hot witch was all like “Oh fredrico I am going to give up my evil devil worshipping ways if you will only nail me good” and I’m all about turning people away from the devil so I totaly nailed her!!! OMG it was so hot!

So that night we’re all in bed and then a ghost pops up! But it was’t just any ghost, it was this evil devil ghost of evil possession and it was all like “i’m goint to possess you now, jerk!” and I was like “oh no you didin’t, oh snap!” and the ghost was all ike “No! I am evil and scary! That won’t work on me! Boo!” and the super hot witch was all like “Save me Fredrico, protect me you super sexy manly man” so I was all like “All right ghost, turn into a real person so we can brawl!” and the ghost was all like okay, but it didn’t turn into a regular person, it turned into a zombie vampire werewolf Frankenstein!! And the super hot witch was all “Oh no, a zombie vampire werewolf Frankenstein! My worst nightmare!” but I was all like “Don’t worry baby, I’ll save you, but first I have to nail you again” so I totally nailed her while the zombie vampire werewolf Frankenstein watched and drummed his fingers cuz zombie vampire werewolf frankensteins aren’t into porn and stuff, which is one of the reasons they have to be killed. So then I totally got into this brutal fight with the guy, it was all llike blood flying everywhere and then like a thousand other ghosts came out of nowhere and joined the fight but it was like those ninja movies with bruce lee where he totally ninja’d a bunch of generic bad guys to death, only it was me using my awesome superpowers to ninja some ghosts to death while battling a vampire werewolf zombie frankenstein, and in the end I totally kicked all ass everywhere, and then I nailed the witch a few more times.

Hope you enjoyed these TRUE LIFE tales of terrifying horror! The end!!!

Fredrico Battles The Evil Vampires

Well Halloween week continues with a super scary story, possibly my scariest story ever, about my true life experiences against my first vampire.

Well okay so when I heard there was a vampire in town I was all like, Hmm, probably one of those sissy Californians who dresses in mascara and drinks other people’s blood to be like those sissy vampires in those sissy Any Rice books. Well guess what, I was wrong. I learned that when a vampire bat flew in through my window and totally turned into this super hot girl!!

I was all like, nice, it’s a super hot scantily clad girl, come here baby, but then she smiled and she had HUGE POINTY VAMPIRE FANGS!!!!! So I was all like acting casual and like my usual supersmooth self, all like “Hey baby, wanna get funky” while casually and smoothly reaching carefully under my pillow, past my gun which I keep aas my GOD GIVEN DUTY AS AN AMERICAN (look it up, its in the Bible AND that constitution thing), for the sharpened wooden stake I keep under there for just such an emergency.

So she came over and was all like trying to seduce me with her heaving scantily clad boobies but I have many girlfriends who are pretty much supermodels so I was all like “Ooh baby lets get it on!” and then I stuck my wood in her LOL! Boy was she surprised that it was a sharp steak!

Then she was all like “Oh the horror! Thank you Fredrico, you great superhero!” and then she totally evaporated into a mist of dust! And I went back to sleep!

More to come…?!?!?!?