Jeff Naydol Archive
Hideous doom rodent curses us all
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I used to think groundhogs are cute, but man, I’ve had it with this whole winter thing. – Jeff
PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pa. – Brace yourself for more wintry weather. Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow Saturday, leading the groundhog to forecast six more weeks of winter.
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The rodent was pulled from his stump by members of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club Inner Circle, top-hat- and tuxedo-wearing businessmen who carry out the tradition.
Read the full story news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080202/ap_on_re_us/groundhog_day;_ylt=AvRRC8B8oHf6XQz5aYZvVPh34T0Dhere.
On the Inherent Dangers Of Overthinking While Cleaning the Closet
Once, way back in that delightful high-rolling decade known as the 90’s, I was a bored kid who had his own pointless website on the totally free web space provided by that delightful America Online. I don’t remember too much about it, but one article I do remember was called Adventures in Cleaning a Closet. Basically, I had cleaned my closet, found some long-lost stuff, and decided this was interesting enough for a vaguely smartass article for the consumption of the general public.
Well, now that I have a snazzy new job I hope to move in a few months, and in preparation for this I have decided to sell off a lot of my old, long-boxed-and-stuck-in-the-closet stuff. Why? More backup money in the bank, less stuff to haul around. Pretty simple, right?
I’m a bit timid about the idea. This is my lifetime collection I’m considering dismantling. All kinds of collected trinkets, toys, and other assorted collectibles have been taking up room in boxes for so much time it’s not even funny. Being the Star Wars nerd that I am, I naturally have boxes upon boxes of collected figures and other random crap (and I do mean crap). Of course, I’ll probably never part with ALL of this stuff, and as it is, I’m only getting rid of, maybe, a third of my collection. I’m also planning to get rid of a lot of books.
Why, if I was so intent on collecting this stuff, has it been sitting in my closet? I’d like to say I’d matured to the point that I no longer desire toys or other goofy collectibles, but that’s just hooey. It’d be more accurate to say my tastes have matured. Random 3.5″ Star Wars action figures have given way to highly detailed Sideshow or RAH 1/6 scale collectibles. Same with Transformers, with years of random older ones being replaced by far more detailed and, dare I say it, stunning modern versions like the Masterpiece or Alternators lines. Random cool-looking toys are being replaced by more beautiful and detailed PVC statues. Even with the books – ratty old used paperbacks or cheaply produced hardcovers are giving way to fancy long-lasting editions from publishers like Easton Press or the Folio Society.
So here I am, shoving aside piles of old books and going through my boxes, and it’s just depressing seeing all this random useless crap that I thought was so awesome and collectible. I found a bunch of Beanie Babies – the “OMG SUPER RARE THESE ARE GOING TO BE WORTH HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS!!” ones that I’d picked up during my time selling the stupid things at Fuzziwig’s – and they’re all completely valueless now. Sure, I’ll admit there are a couple that I actually like, such as the green four-leaf-clover bear or that adorable red dog, but still. I have boxes of stuff like that – stuff that was supposed to become valuable and highly collectible but was completely devalued in a more collection-conscious world. Comic books, action figures, even collector’s plates. I’m kind of glad I don’t have huge binders full of otherwise worthless baseball cards anymore. Looking back on all my hopes for my various collections, I just get depressed.
So far I’ve been mostly looking through Star Wars related boxes, I just sigh at the countless wasted dollars that had been spent on figures that were displayed for a year or two only to be stuffed away in a box for several more years. I don’t even understand my own collection. If I put all my Greedos and Jar Jars together, they’d count over a dozen, and I don’t even like those two characters. Don’t even get me started on how thrilled I was every time they released a new “Darth Vader In Slightly Different Pose!” figure. I was a total slave to the “collector’s market”, buying up anything that might be cool to have, anything with those special brands attached. While I’m still taken over by this impulse on occasion, it’s largely been reigned in.
I suppose I should be handing out trite watered-down tidbits bastardized from highly philosophical, thoughtful sayings about how possessions are the cause of unhappiness, or something along those lines. But that would be a load of crock, as they say. Every day I’m at war with myself over this. Part of me truly does believe that that all this stuff’ is ultimately useless, and that there are better ways to spend my money and energy. But you know what? Most of me still thinks it’s just to damn cool to give up completely. I know, somewhere deep down, that I’ll just be getting rid of all this junk only to replace it with more junk that will eventually wear out its welcome. I know, somewhere deep down, that this is all a waste. But what can I say? This is part of who I am. I’m a collector by my very nature, and I’m nowhere near the level of enlightenment or discipline that will allow me to transcend all this collecting. Perhaps someday I will get there, but for now all I can do is shake my head at the boxes, turn around, look up at my shelves, and say “Damn, that is one awesome Masterpiece Megatron.”
Ask Dr. Jeff: Episode 2
Dear Dr. Jeff,
How do you deal with unruly family members during the Christmas holidays? Do you have any good tips because this will be one long turkey dinner if I don’t get your help!
Sincerely,
Extended Families R Teh Suck!
Dear Extended,
There are different methods to deal with unruly family members at different times of the year. For example, a pile of Cherry Icee-filled water balloons will do wonders during the summer. But Christmas is that special, wonderful time of year when families come together and worship the birth of Jesus by yelling at each other and generally making everybody’s life miserable. What, you ask, is the solution? Well, at Christmastime, I recommend finding the nearest fruitcake and throwing it at the head of any unruly family member within a good firing distance. This has a double benefit as you can enjoy eating the wonderful, glorious fruitcake in silence once said family member is unconscious on the floor. And yes, fruitcake is glorious. Don’t listen to the stereotypes that would have you believe they’re a big flavorless rock of a cake. Have you ever actually eaten one? I didn’t think so. Try it. You’ll see.
Dear Dr. Jeff,
I deal with children that are far too noisy. What brand of soap do you recommend I wash their mouth out with?
Sincerely,
Mr. Teacherstein
Dr Mr Teacherstein,
Soap is outdated. I recommend superglue. If superglue cannot be found, I recommend Krazy Glue. The kids love Krazy Glue because its evil corporate overlords spelled “crazy” with a K. That’s like ending a pluralized word with the letter “z” instead of “s”, and you know how those kidz love that.
But right about now, you might be thinking “But Dr. Jeff, won’t parents be angry if I glue their kids’ mouths shut?” Well, as a super-expert doctor of stuff, allow me to reassure you. The human body is constantly shedding its outer layers (fun fact: dust is mostly made of dead skin!), so eventually the glue will fail simply because the flesh it was binding has shed itself and been replaced with some happy new stuff. So you simply need reassure the parents that it’s only temporary. Once the parents realize they temporarily won’t have to deal with their kids whining about everything, they will build you a throne of gold and carry you forth on their shoulders.
Dear Dr. Jeff, the other day, my nose fell off. What is the best glue to put it back on with?
Dear strange extra-anonymous person,
Well, given that last q&a, you’d think I’d suggest krazy glue, wouldn’t you? HA! Fooled you! Ahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaa!! Actually, it’s a scientific superfact that the best way to reattach a severed nose is with a staple gun. Once stapled in place, tiny parasites will work to reattach the wayward body part to your face, and if you’re REALLY lucky, some extra tiny cockroaches will miraculously show up to reattach your olfactory nerves and you’ll once again have that most useless of all senses: smell! Yay.
Dr. Jeff,
What kind of leash should I use on Brett? I think choke-chains are too harsh, but the cloth ones just don’t seem to keep him in line! Help!
Sincerely,
Brett’s owner
Dear Brett’s Owner,
You can acquire a wide variety of safe bondage leashes at your local dirty pervert sex shop. If you’re some kind of ridiculous prude and sex shops don’t work for you, I suggest the choke chain. How will you know if you’re using it effectively? Brett’s eyes will cross, and his tongue will protrude and change color, ever so slightly.
Dear Dr. Jeff
Dude, when did you become a Dr? Dosn’t it take like, years of school? I thought you dropped out of CLC!
Your best buddy Los Marcos Amigos
Dear Los Marcos,
I’d like to relate a story. Once upon a time, there was a magical gnome named Zangy. Zangy traveled to a far distant land, many years’ travel from his home, and found a box. The box was locked with an elaborate and rather ornate lock. Unfortunately Zangy had no key for this lock, yet he was burning with curiosity to know what the box held. What did he do? He “thought outside the box” by acquiring an ax (as opposed to the no-doubt ornate key that would have unlocked the lock) and chopped the box open. Unfortunately he was rather overzealous in his task and ended up destroying the contents of the box along with the box itself, but I’m pretty sure it contained two comic books and a bar of gold. The moral of the story is: if you have a plush gorilla, consider yourself lucky. They’re totally adorable. Also, they sometimes hand out doctorates. Go figure.
Dear Dr. Jeff,
I have an annoying, paranoid co-worker who thinks people are always out to get her. What is the best way to completely drive her around the bend, thus making her quit?
Thanks
Judith
Dear Judith,
Today I drew green smiley faces all over my hand. Having said that, allow me to solve your problem. If there’s one thing I learned from working in a toy store, it’s that nobody appreciates a severed finger. But that’s probably going too far. The wimpy way out would involve an elaborate zany scheme, one most likely utilizing a box of Rice Crispies, a roll of duct tape, a duck call, five of those little paper umbrellas they put in cocktails, and a pair of those fake glasses with the fake plastic eyebrows, nose, and mustache. I’m sure I needn’t spell out what you will do with these items, but rest assured, you will soon be rid of your annoying coworker.
Dear Dr. Jeff,
I have a growth. What should I do about it?
Sincerely
Jamie Lynn
Dear Jamie Lynn,
As Optimus Prime once said, “We don’t have enough energon cubes to power a full-scale assault. Ready the shuttle for launch. Now all we need is a little energon and a lot of luck.” If that doesn’t solve your problem, nothing will.
Dear Dr Jeff,
My wife is pregnant and wants to name the baby. I always wanted to name my kid Kuato after the character in Total Recall. How do I make this happen?
- Quaid
Dear Quaid,
Total Recall is one of the most disgustingly overrated movies ever. Seriously, what’s wrong with you? If you’re going to name a kid after a character in a movie, choose something that both you and your wife can agree on. May I suggest Mechagodzilla? And if either of you doesn’t agree with naming your kid Mechagodzilla, you should be ashamed of yourselves and I would heartily recommend ten years of silent seclusion, contemplation, and self flagellation. And no, “self flagellation” is not a euphemism for anything sexual. Look it up.
…well, okay. Some people might enjoy that kind of thing. But that’s not the point. The point is that it’s okay to horribly torment yourself for not agreeing to my idea of a great pop culture name for your child. And you know how kids with stupid geeky names get beaten up at school? Well, who the hell is going to mess with someone named Mechagodzilla? Nobody, that’s who!
Dear Dr. Jeff,
I’m stuck working on both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. What is the best way to “get rid of” (wink, wink) my boss once and for all without the pesky fuzz, FBI, and CIA getting on my tail? I’d like to give him a nice Christmas stuffing, if you know what I’m saying.
Sincerely,
Disgruntled in California
First of all, Disgruntled, think about what you just said. “I’d like to give him a nice Christmas stuffing”? That’s what consenting, loving adults do in the privacy of a cheap, disgusting motel. Secondly, if you ever want to get out of work, I must steal someone else’s suggestion and tell you to fake your own death. But wait, you say! Isn’t that a bit extreme? NO! Nothing is EVER to extreme when it comes to getting out of work. Now, I know you wish you were paid millions of dollars every year to write the occasional super-brilliant advice column, just like me. But not everyone can experience that life. If, however, faking your own death is going too far for your taste, I would recommend simply distracting this boss with something – donuts generally do the trick. Leave a trail of donuts heading out the boss’s office and into a heavily forested wilderness. With a little luck, you won’t see your boss for weeks, if not months, and you have the satisfaction of knowing that instead of committing a horrible crime, you have merely led a lost soul back to nature. With donuts!
Well kids, that’s all for this exciting edition of Ask Dr. Jeff. Send in your questions and I’ll see you next time!
Republicans want to cut aide to Iraq
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Remember, kids: If the Dems want to do it when it makes sense, it’s cutting and running and/or coddling the terrorists. If the Republicans want to do it during election season when it will make them look good, why, suddenly it’s the only patriotic thing to do!
WASHINGTON – Two Republican senators said that unless Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki makes more political progress by January, the U.S. should consider pulling political or financial support for his government.
The stern warnings, coming from Sens. Lindsey Graham and Saxby Chambliss Monday, are an indication that while GOP patience on the war has greatly increased this fall because of security gains made by the military, it isn’t bottomless.
Read the whole story news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20071127/ap_on_go_co/us_iraq_congresshere.
Cloverfield trailer online!
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I’ll admit, I’ve been fascinated by this thing ever since they put the teaser, sans title, in front of Transformers. What can I say? I’m a sucker for giant monsters. – Jeff
See the trailer www.apple.com/trailers/paramount/11808/here!
James Marsters is… Piccolo?!
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Twentieth Century Fox is bringing the Japanese manga phenomenon “Dragonball” to the bigscreen.
Justin Chatwin will star as Goku, a powerful warrior who protects the Earth from an endless stream of rogues bent on dominating the universe and controlling the mystical objects from which the film takes its name. James Marsters is onboard as the film’s villain Piccolo.
Read the full article www.variety.com/article/VR1117975946.html?categoryid=13&cs=1here.
Right-wing climate skeptics pwned by spoof paper
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This is hilarious yet totally unsurprising. – Jeff
Why did you decide to construct the fake website? Was it purely a joke or did you set out to make people taking your paper at face value look foolish?
Its purpose was to expose the credulity and scientific illiteracy of many of the people who call themselves climate sceptics. While dismissive of the work of the great majority of climate scientists, they will believe almost anything if it lends support to their position. Their approach to climate science is the opposite of scepticism.
Are you surprised at the pick up your coverage has generated?
Not really. Equally ridiculous claims – like those in the paper attached to the “Oregon Petition” or David Bellamy’s dodgy glacier figures – have been widely circulated and taken up by the sceptic’ community. But you can explain this until you are blue in the face. To get people to sit up and listen, you have to demonstrate it. This is what I set out to do.
Read the full story blogs.nature.com/news/thegreatbeyond/2007/11/interview_author_of_spoof_pape.htmlhere.
Christmas Sequels I’d Like To See
Halloween has ended and Christmas is right around the corner. Naturally our thoughts turn to that treasure trove of joy and wonder: classic Christmas movies. But what has happened to our favorite characters since their last appearances? What can we look forward to in the future?
Maybe It’s Not Such A Wonderful Life After All
George Bailey is back, only this time the folks of Bedford Falls have fallen onto even harder times and want George’s help. But George has somehow fallen prey to the influences of evil old jerk Mr. Potter, and once again it’s up to the townspeople to save his life and his soul. And wouldn’t you know it? The climactic scene just happens to occur on Christmas again! Watch for charming everyman Steve Buscemi to fill James Stewart’s shoes in this 60-years-late sequel.
Jingle Hard All The Way
It’s the action-packed Christmas team-up of the century! Another Christmas, another random terrorist attack for streetwise New York cop John McClane (Bruce Willis) to deal with. But this time around he finds help in Howard Langston (Arnold Schwarzenegger), who happened to be in the area searching for that elusive Christmas present to buy for his son (Jake Lloyd), now a burnt-out former child star who doesn’t believe in Christmas anymore. Will they save Christmas from the terrorists AND restore our sense of wonder and faith in capitalism?
The Nightmare Before Halloween And Christmas
The Easter Bunny is still infuriated by his kidnapping at the hands of professional trick-or-treaters Lock, Shock, and Barrel. He decides to gather his army of springtime holiday characters, including a gang of tough mercenary leprechauns, to overthrow Jack Skellington and Santa Claus once and for all. But Jack and Santa find surprise help from a magical Thanksgiving pilgrim and his rabid turkey of doom!
The Santa Clause 18
Because really, what else is Tim Allen going to do?
Silenter Night, Less Deadly Night
The gang from everybody’s favorite Christmas-themed slasher movie returns. Only this time, they must save their orphanage from greedy land developers! But will the murderous Santa return and foil their zany schemes?
Santa Claus Conquers the Venusians
In this big-budget, effects-intensive, A-list sequel to “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians”, we once again find Santa being kidnapped by aliens from a nearby planet. Only this time he must deal with the sensual wiles of the inhabitants of Venus. Will Santa overcome their feminine charms and return to Earth unharmed?
Elf 2
What can I say? Elf was just a great movie.
A Christmas Carol 2
Sure there are about 5,828,838,117 versions of Charles Dickens’ classic tale of Christmas redemption, but where are the sequels? Why is there no story about an embittered adult Tiny Tim who wakes up one cold Christmas morning to realize he’s become JUST LIKE EBENEZER SCROOGE?! Big Tiny Tim is show the error of his ways by a bumbling newbie Ghost of Christmas, whose pratfalls and missteps provide all the comic relief you could want. This thing practically writes itself! Hollywood, take note!
Another Miracle on 34th Street
Uh-oh! Some grouchy old scientists have proven once and for all that Santa doesn’t exist! So what is Kris Kringle to do? Take it back to court! Kris gathers a crack team of celebrity lawyers for a courtroom showdown with all the faith-vs-science pathos of the Scopes Monkey Trial combined with the ooey-gooey holiday spirit in a charmer that the whole family is sure to love.
The Grinch 2
Ron Howard returns to make a sequel to his epic horror adaptation of How the Grinch Stole Christmas. At least, I’m pretty sure it was supposed to be a horror version. I mean, man, that whole thing was just creepy and unpleasant, just like any good horror movie should be. This time around, The Grinch is friends with the folks of Whoville, but a gamma-radiation accident creates an Ultra Grinch monster who will stop at nothing to destroy Christmas… and I mean nothing!
Want chocolate? Blame bacteria!
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Oct. 12, 2007 If that craving for chocolate sometimes feels like it is coming from deep in your gut, that’s because maybe it is.
A small study links the type of bacteria living in people’s digestive system to a desire for chocolate. Everyone has a vast community of microbes in their guts. But people who crave daily chocolate show signs of having different colonies of bacteria than people who are immune to chocolate’s allure.
That may be the case for other foods, too. The idea could eventually lead to treating some types of obesity by changing the composition of the trillions of bacteria occupying the intestines and stomach, said Sunil Kochhar, co-author of the study. It appears Friday in the peer-reviewed Journal of Proteome Research.
Read full story dsc.discovery.com/news/2007/10/12/chocolate-craving-hea.html?category=health&guid=20071012140000&dcitc=w19-506-ak-0004here.
King Tut revealed: not made of gold after all
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LUXOR, Egypt – King Tut’s buck-toothed face was unveiled Sunday for the first time in public more than 3,000 years after the youngest and most famous pharaoh to rule ancient Egypt was shrouded in linen and buried in his golden underground tomb.
Archeologists carefully lifted thae fragile mummy out of a quartz sarcophagus decorated with stone-carved protective goddesses, momentarily pulling aside a beige covering to reveal a leathery black body.
The linen was then replaced over Tut’s narrow body so only his face and tiny feet were exposed, and the 19-year-old king, whose life and death has captivated people for nearly a century, was moved to a simple glass climate-controlled case to keep it from turning to dust.
Read full story news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20071105/ap_on_sc/king_tut_s_mummy;_ylt=AhORD9ndhKoxA.._ZCmvad134T0Dhere.
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