Seven Wonders of Fredrico's World
I want to start this blog off with a BANG!!! of awesomeness. So, once upon a time some guys made a list of the seven wonders of the old-school world, although in those days they used the word "ancient" instead, because they weren't hip to our modern superlingo, but anyway, recently some other guys made another list of seven wonders of the world, and it was stupid and I only know about it because they used a voting thing on the internets, but I didn't vote and since I'm the world's greatest supergenius the entire list is completely invalid. So what could I, Fredrico el Guapo, superawesome supergenius extroidinaire, do about it? Why, make my own list, of course! Here, folks, are the seven REAL wonders of the world.
7. The Sears Tower – Chicago, Illinois
It's really tall and really recognizable. Plus, it kind of looks like Chicago is sticking its middle finger up at the world. Cuz that's the kind of ‘tude we have here in the Midwest. We're all badass like that, and we have the Sears Tower standing as testament to our eternal badassedness, flipping off all those stupid non-midwest places that suck and try to act like they're all cool. Seriously, what has Tokyo or New York ever offered anyone? Hell, we're so awesome that we even make our rivers run green with the blood of leprechauns every St Patty's Day, and most places won't even acknowledge the existence of leprechauns. What a bunch of losers!
6. That rainforest thingy – Washington
Yeah, Washington may be Canada Jr but at least it has a really neat rainforest, it's all big and mossy and crap, and this one time I went there and Mossman from Masters of the Universe totally jumped out and was all like "Hey Fredrico, you want to go on an adventure?" and I was all like "Hell yeah dawg, let's do it!" and then we went and beat up some America-hating protest jerks that were all like a bunch of jerks and stuff. It was one of the better days of my totally amazing existence of awesomeness.
5. The liquor section of Woodman's – Kenosha, WI
From outside it looks small and unassuming, just a little door on the side of a superhuge grocery store of doom, only decorated with signs for crappy beer like Bud and Miller and crap. But once you walk in, BAM!! There's like 80,000 different types of liquor and that's not even counting the beer! I went there the other day and they like totally had a big section of just pumpkin ale. PUMPKIN ALE OWNS U, BIATCH! ROTFLOL Seriously though, I have a joygasm every time I walk into this place, it's like a suave alcohol-consuming superstud's dream store. And I am one suave superstud who likes to consume the occasional alcohol, so you can take my word for it.
4. My super-sexy, ultra-muscular body – wherever I may roam
It's true. Ladies see me and automatically swoon. Guys also do that sometimes, which is kind of weird. But hey whatever, it's good that so many people acknowledge my unstoppable supersexiness.
3. Great Pyramids of Geeza - Egypt
Actually these things aren't really all that impressive, they're just big sand-colored triangles. But I thought it was illegal to make a seven wonders of the world list without the pyramids. I even went to the local police station and asked the guy behind the desk (he had a bitchin' cop mustache!) if it was okay to make a seven wonders of the world list without the pyramids. He gave me a dirty look and ordered a breathalyzer test. I took that to mean that I was right and it wouldn't be legal to do that. So here they are. But really, they're kind of boring. Oh yeah, and the cop also strip searched me. Um, did I mention that she was a totally super-hot foxy lady cop? Yeah, that's how it happened.
2. The White House (only during certain times though) – Washington DC
Sure it's a beautiful architecture thingy, what with the whiteness and the columns and that kickass fence and all the guards and stuff, but what really makes this one of the seven wonders is the presence of the world's greatest hero, George W Bush. And other years it's a wonder too, like when there's other Heroic Republican presidents. But you know, for most of the 90s it kind of sucked and I wouldn't have included it in the list, maybe a Congressy building or something, but this is one of those few instances where the place itself combined with the people in the place make it SUPER AWESOME.
1. Miller Park – Milwaukee, WI
By day it's a super great baseball stadium and home of one of the best teams in baseball (if you ignore the evil Cubs and the deal they've obviously made with Satan to win the division), and by night it's also a great baseball stadium. But guess what? Rain delays will not stop the Brew Crew! Because Miller Park has a RETRACTIBLE ROOF!!! And it automatically makes it one of the best stadiums ever, because rain delays are stupid and also teh suck! And contrary to the name, they do also serve good beer there not just Miller. And chorizos! My god, I had not lived until I experienced a chorizo while watching the Brew Crew clobber some losers at some point. Oh, if only the Cubs weren't into that whole satanic devil worshipping thing, then the Brewers would be on their way to their rightful place as rulers of all baseball. Oh well. There's always some more goats to kill, LOL
So there you have it folks, as my premier blog I have showed you a glimpse into the super amazing genius mind of myself, three-time winner of World's Greatest Supergenius (a contest that's only happened twice, wrap your head around THAT!).
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