Ask Dr. Jeff: Episode 2

Dear Dr. Jeff,

How do you deal with unruly family members during the Christmas holidays? Do you have any good tips because this will be one long turkey dinner if I don’t get your help!

Sincerely,
Extended Families R Teh Suck!

Dear Extended,

There are different methods to deal with unruly family members at different times of the year. For example, a pile of Cherry Icee-filled water balloons will do wonders during the summer. But Christmas is that special, wonderful time of year when families come together and worship the birth of Jesus by yelling at each other and generally making everybody’s life miserable. What, you ask, is the solution? Well, at Christmastime, I recommend finding the nearest fruitcake and throwing it at the head of any unruly family member within a good firing distance. This has a double benefit as you can enjoy eating the wonderful, glorious fruitcake in silence once said family member is unconscious on the floor. And yes, fruitcake is glorious. Don’t listen to the stereotypes that would have you believe they’re a big flavorless rock of a cake. Have you ever actually eaten one? I didn’t think so. Try it. You’ll see.

Dear Dr. Jeff,

I deal with children that are far too noisy. What brand of soap do you recommend I wash their mouth out with?

Sincerely,
Mr. Teacherstein

Dr Mr Teacherstein,

Soap is outdated. I recommend superglue. If superglue cannot be found, I recommend Krazy Glue. The kids love Krazy Glue because its evil corporate overlords spelled “crazy” with a K. That’s like ending a pluralized word with the letter “z” instead of “s”, and you know how those kidz love that.

But right about now, you might be thinking “But Dr. Jeff, won’t parents be angry if I glue their kids’ mouths shut?” Well, as a super-expert doctor of stuff, allow me to reassure you. The human body is constantly shedding its outer layers (fun fact: dust is mostly made of dead skin!), so eventually the glue will fail simply because the flesh it was binding has shed itself and been replaced with some happy new stuff. So you simply need reassure the parents that it’s only temporary. Once the parents realize they temporarily won’t have to deal with their kids whining about everything, they will build you a throne of gold and carry you forth on their shoulders.

Dear Dr. Jeff, the other day, my nose fell off. What is the best glue to put it back on with?

Dear strange extra-anonymous person,

Well, given that last q&a, you’d think I’d suggest krazy glue, wouldn’t you? HA! Fooled you! Ahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaa!! Actually, it’s a scientific superfact that the best way to reattach a severed nose is with a staple gun. Once stapled in place, tiny parasites will work to reattach the wayward body part to your face, and if you’re REALLY lucky, some extra tiny cockroaches will miraculously show up to reattach your olfactory nerves and you’ll once again have that most useless of all senses: smell! Yay.

Dr. Jeff,

What kind of leash should I use on Brett? I think choke-chains are too harsh, but the cloth ones just don’t seem to keep him in line! Help!

Sincerely,
Brett’s owner

Dear Brett’s Owner,

You can acquire a wide variety of safe bondage leashes at your local dirty pervert sex shop. If you’re some kind of ridiculous prude and sex shops don’t work for you, I suggest the choke chain. How will you know if you’re using it effectively? Brett’s eyes will cross, and his tongue will protrude and change color, ever so slightly.

Dear Dr. Jeff

Dude, when did you become a Dr? Dosn’t it take like, years of school? I thought you dropped out of CLC!

Your best buddy Los Marcos Amigos

Dear Los Marcos,

I’d like to relate a story. Once upon a time, there was a magical gnome named Zangy. Zangy traveled to a far distant land, many years’ travel from his home, and found a box. The box was locked with an elaborate and rather ornate lock. Unfortunately Zangy had no key for this lock, yet he was burning with curiosity to know what the box held. What did he do? He “thought outside the box” by acquiring an ax (as opposed to the no-doubt ornate key that would have unlocked the lock) and chopped the box open. Unfortunately he was rather overzealous in his task and ended up destroying the contents of the box along with the box itself, but I’m pretty sure it contained two comic books and a bar of gold. The moral of the story is: if you have a plush gorilla, consider yourself lucky. They’re totally adorable. Also, they sometimes hand out doctorates. Go figure.

Dear Dr. Jeff,
I have an annoying, paranoid co-worker who thinks people are always out to get her. What is the best way to completely drive her around the bend, thus making her quit?
Thanks
Judith

Dear Judith,

Today I drew green smiley faces all over my hand. Having said that, allow me to solve your problem. If there’s one thing I learned from working in a toy store, it’s that nobody appreciates a severed finger. But that’s probably going too far. The wimpy way out would involve an elaborate zany scheme, one most likely utilizing a box of Rice Crispies, a roll of duct tape, a duck call, five of those little paper umbrellas they put in cocktails, and a pair of those fake glasses with the fake plastic eyebrows, nose, and mustache. I’m sure I needn’t spell out what you will do with these items, but rest assured, you will soon be rid of your annoying coworker.

Dear Dr. Jeff,
I have a growth. What should I do about it?
Sincerely
Jamie Lynn

Dear Jamie Lynn,

As Optimus Prime once said, “We don’t have enough energon cubes to power a full-scale assault. Ready the shuttle for launch. Now all we need is a little energon and a lot of luck.” If that doesn’t solve your problem, nothing will.

Dear Dr Jeff,
My wife is pregnant and wants to name the baby. I always wanted to name my kid Kuato after the character in Total Recall. How do I make this happen?
- Quaid

Dear Quaid,

Total Recall is one of the most disgustingly overrated movies ever. Seriously, what’s wrong with you? If you’re going to name a kid after a character in a movie, choose something that both you and your wife can agree on. May I suggest Mechagodzilla? And if either of you doesn’t agree with naming your kid Mechagodzilla, you should be ashamed of yourselves and I would heartily recommend ten years of silent seclusion, contemplation, and self flagellation. And no, “self flagellation” is not a euphemism for anything sexual. Look it up.
…well, okay. Some people might enjoy that kind of thing. But that’s not the point. The point is that it’s okay to horribly torment yourself for not agreeing to my idea of a great pop culture name for your child. And you know how kids with stupid geeky names get beaten up at school? Well, who the hell is going to mess with someone named Mechagodzilla? Nobody, that’s who!

Dear Dr. Jeff,

I’m stuck working on both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. What is the best way to “get rid of” (wink, wink) my boss once and for all without the pesky fuzz, FBI, and CIA getting on my tail? I’d like to give him a nice Christmas stuffing, if you know what I’m saying.

Sincerely,
Disgruntled in California

First of all, Disgruntled, think about what you just said. “I’d like to give him a nice Christmas stuffing”? That’s what consenting, loving adults do in the privacy of a cheap, disgusting motel. Secondly, if you ever want to get out of work, I must steal someone else’s suggestion and tell you to fake your own death. But wait, you say! Isn’t that a bit extreme? NO! Nothing is EVER to extreme when it comes to getting out of work. Now, I know you wish you were paid millions of dollars every year to write the occasional super-brilliant advice column, just like me. But not everyone can experience that life. If, however, faking your own death is going too far for your taste, I would recommend simply distracting this boss with something – donuts generally do the trick. Leave a trail of donuts heading out the boss’s office and into a heavily forested wilderness. With a little luck, you won’t see your boss for weeks, if not months, and you have the satisfaction of knowing that instead of committing a horrible crime, you have merely led a lost soul back to nature. With donuts!

Well kids, that’s all for this exciting edition of Ask Dr. Jeff. Send in your questions and I’ll see you next time!

Advice from Jim Lindberg of Pennywise

Jim,
What is the greatest and worst thing about being a dad who isn’t your typical 9-5 guy?
- Future Dad

The greatest thing is probably that my kids think it’s cool that their dad’s in a band and gets be on stage and stuff, so that gives me little leverage before they’re totally embarrassed of me. The worst thing is having to travel so much and miss soccer games and piano recitals, but I think most dad’s make some kind of sacrifice so I can’t really complain. That doesn’t mean I don’t though.

Hi Jim,
When is it too late in life to aspire for a career in the punk rock music scene ?
- Brian

It’s never to late as long as your heart and soul are still into it. Career-wise there are definitely more lucrative vocations than playing two minute, 250 BPM songs to a bunch of drunks with mowhawks, but not many that are as much fun. The way the music industry is going though, it’s pretty hard to make a viable living making music anymore now that we’re all addicted to downloading it for free, that is unless you like wearing tons of eyeliner. The good thing is that more and more people will be doing music just for the love of it, which will hopefully probably produce better bands, instead of more careerists. So as long as you’re inspired and doing what feels right to you it’s never too late. Otherwise I’d say, about thirty-eight years of age should be the cut off. After that, stage dives hurt too much.

Dear Jim,
My girlfriend and I have a great relationship – we’re really happy together and we never fight or anything. But she only likes to have sex
maybe once a week, twice a week tops, and not only that but the sex is kind of boring (same position). I mean, I’m happy to get what I can, but I wish it were more. I’ve brought it up but she got defensive and I didn’t want to get into a fight about it. I love her and don’t want to cause problems, but this is kind of sucky. What should I do?
- Need More Lovin’

Wow. Didn’t it expect to be the love doctor on this thing. My wife would probably say I’m the last person that should be giving advice on this topic. I’d probably say the best way to turn most women on is through their mind first. Be a manly, respectable, non-whiny, stud of a boyfriend, and tell her how hot she is when she’s not expecting it, and do nice things for her without being a kiss ass and she’ll probably notice and want to give it up more. That and as much foreplay as she can stand and abiding by the “ladies first” rule could help. After that, get on your knees and beg.

Hey Jim,
I just purchased a home with my fiance and I’m getting married in a few months. Do you have any tips on not going crazy and killing your loved one?
- Matty Gonakilher

Wow, scary. First put down the glock, Rambo. Second. Communication and budgeting. Talking everything out, and not holding stuff in until you explode is key. Voice your opinions on the issues, and always listen to your wife’s viewpoint, even if you think she might be nuts. It’s OK to be wrong sometimes but no one wants to be ignored or disrespected. One of you is hopefully good at finances, because someone has to be responsible and make sure you’re not spending more than is coming in and that you’re putting a little something away every month. That and lots of makeup sex and you should get through it without a murder rap.

Jim,
I’m getting really fucking bored at work but I’m kinda scared to start something new & start over. What do you suggest I do?
- Worker Bee

Definitely try to have something solid lined up before you kick out. Take some night classes, or sneak around at lunch and look for employment that combines something that interests you more but still gives you a paycheck. Sometimes at first you have to take a job you don’t like to pay the rent, I cleaned toilets and vacuumed offices at an office building to put myself through college, but at night I was playing in a band and working on writing to try and find something that didn’t involve scraping feces off porcelain with a wire brush. Work by day, dream at night, then work hard to combine the two. Sounds easy but it’s not.

Dear Jim,
I’m a parent of two but never get a chance to do what I want, or buy what I want. How do you manage to be a parent and do the things you want to do as well?
- Par Ent

That’s completely impossible. Next question.

Dear Mr. Pennywise,
I love music and I’m frequently rocking out, but I’m always respectful to my neighbors. Some new neighbors moved in recently and they blast
bass-heavy hip hop and rap at all hours. I’m a bit too intimidated to ask them to turn it down (I’m a passive type anyway), but if I call the cops, they’ll know it was me. Any advice?
- Angela

Get a louder stereo and then blast horrible music at them. If they like Hip-hop then probably some Emo or death metal should do the trick. When they come over to complain, broker a peace treaty on decibel levels and acceptable rocking hours. Either that or get yourself some decks and pretend you’re one of the Chemical Brothers.

Advice from Joe Queer

Dear Joe Queer,
I’m a grown man and never had to change a tire before. It just never came up…So um, how do you change a tire?
- A Hopeless Man

Well, see there is this little metal tool called a tire iron. You might have seen one used in a street fight on Cops and believe it or not, people use this thing to loosen the lug nuts on a wheel and change a tire. If this seems too weird to you, I suggest going to the nearest lesbian bar and asking for help.

Joe,
I think I was abducted by aliens but I’m afraid to tell anyone. What should I do? I don’t want to be locked up in the crazy house.
- Mork

Locked up in the crazy house? In this day and age of complete idiots becoming media stars – I’d say you won the lottery. Run to the nearest rooftop and start screaming the news. You’ll be on Oprah talking about your drug addiction and subsequent recovery before you know it. Your own clothing line won’t be far behind.

Dear Joe Queer,
How can my Canadian boyfriend go about getting a green card and a job in NYC? Thanks!
- Tired of Instant Messaging in Brooklyn

I think the quickest way is for him to grab a flight down to Tijuana and sneak back over the border that way. He can then knock you up and nine months later, Viola! He’s in! You guys and the baby will be caught in a nightmare of red tape, it will take years to get out of. Meanwhile just sit back and let the welfare checks come in. Who needs a green card anyway? He can be a ’stay at home’ Dad. (That’s code for lazy bastard where I come from though, I don’t say the job is without it’s charms from what I hear).

Dear Joe,
I currently work in a nursing home. I’ve become quite friendly with some of the old people and found out I’m in their wills. My dilemma, I’m trying to figure out the best way to ‘off’ some of them a little sooner so I can get my just rewards. Any ideas? Nothing too messy, something quick and undetectable, and certainly not traceable back to me.
- Dr. Kevorkian

Start them on a crack habit. Their hearts will give out soon and till that happens I am sure you will hear some interesting conversation. As a matter of fact I’d get a tape recorder and get all of it down. It would make a nice bookend to “Tuesdays With Morrie”. Maybe call it “Crack With The Crackers” or “Sucking On The Crack Pipe With Nana”……….Lemme know and I can come up with something for you.

Dear Mr. Queer,
My wife listens to whatever music she wants, but as soon as I turn on Rush I hear about it. She shames me into turning them off and then I fume silently, bitter and sad. How come women are incapable of appreciating Rush? Is my wife being selfish? Should I leave her for a dude who plays drums?
- Analog Kid in Queens

There are some things I can joke about but one of them is not Rush. To me they are the musical equivalent of a chipped tooth. Bands like Rush are the reason I got into heroin. Your wife knows they suck and I applaud her sturdy common sense. Now you go run off with your boyfriend and let her get to that support group she so obviously needs to recover from living with your sorry ass.

Dear Joe:
My boyfriend who I love very much has been lying to me about smoking. After a year of dating, he just admitted that he’s still smoking a pack a day even though he “quit.” How could I get him to quit smoking without him getting annoyed with me? He actually wants to quit but he’s totally addicted. I was thinking about withholding sex, but that would suck for me too.
- Frustrated in Florida

Hmmm they tell me that smoking is harder to quit than heroin but I have never heard of a person stopping smoking that didn’t sleep more than 20 minutes straight for a month. People put down heroin but there are certainly benefits to doing it. When mixed with cocaine, it is a guaranteed weight loss plan. Though in all honesty, it does have some strange side effects. I bet it would work very well for stopping smoking too. Yes, I would strongly advocate doing speedballs for your boyfriend. He’ll be so caught up in the daily grind of scoring dope each day, he won’t think twice about smoking. Plus he won’t have the money. Sure, he will cadge a butt or two off a guy named Eight Ball once in a while as he waits to cop but that is certainly better than a nasty pack a day habit isn’t it?

Dear Joe Queer,
There’s a girl in the 12th grade that I have a crush on, but she’s way out of my league. How can I get her to notice me? (It doesn’t help that I’m 37.)
- Frank

I can answer this one pal – start a punk band. Write songs like I do and tour a lot and the young girls will start beating down your hotel door before you know it. I can’t begin to tell you the number of times a 12th grader has thrown their bra at me or asked me to sign their breast. Though I am not without my charms, I really am starting to think it might have something to do with me being in a band. I’ll explore this more and get back to you on it.

Ask Google Images Anything

Question #1
What is the meaning of life?

I guess we’ll have to wait on that one.

Question #2
Who is my father?

I guess that’s where I was conceived. I hate having hippies for parents…always doing it outdoors.

Question #3
Could you recommend a good printer?

That print quality sucks. But if Google Images says so…

Question #4
How can I get rid of this rash?

Wow, flexing does help! Now if only I could flex my…

Question #5
Who is the best band ever?

Is that Bowling For Soup?

Ask Dr. Jeff #1

Dear Dr. Jeff,
Tell me why the hell my printer always gets in paper jams and loves to NOT cooperate when I gotta print out enough paper that would destroy half the rain forest? Do you have any foolproof methods to get my printer back in line and behaving again?
Hugs and kisses,
Tree Killah

This is a widespread problem, Killah, and so the obvious conclusion would be that it’s a vast conspiracy on the part of all printers (much like the vast right-wing conspiracy, only less evil, or the vast left-wing conspiracy, only more ballsy). However, this is not the case. True, there are some printer conspiracies of this nature, but they are not vast at all and are generally contained within large buildings. For example, while all the printers in an office building conspire together toward their goal of ultimate evil, your printer is probably just an asshole. Unless, of course, you’re talking about a printer at a workplace and not a personal printer, in which case you can ignore what I just said.

Now, as for foolproof methods, you simply have to prey upon their fears. Unfortunately I don’t have enough information to help you with the specifics, as all printers tend to be fairly individualistic even while synchronizing their evil ways (printers are sort of like cats that way), but there are some common fears shared by various printers. For example, laser printers are deathly afraid of magnum pistols, while inkjets are terrified of ferrets. I won’t get into the psychology of it just now, but suffice it to say that if you do discover your printer’s weakness, it will kneel before you (figuratively speaking), even if that means having to smash its ass with a giant hunk of Kryptonite (literally speaking).

Cher Jeff,
ou est la bibliotheque? aussi, voulez-vous prenez d’argent a moi?
merci,
Maurice

I’m reminded of that scene in Lost in Translation where Scarlett Johansson was singing karaoke while wearing a pink wig. Why? I don’t know. It’s just a good visual.

P.S.: Enough with the French, Frenchie. We call it Freedom Toast for a reason, you know.

Dr. Jeff,
What was the deal with Origen? I mean, seriously. What was up with him?
Sincerely, your number one fan,
Confused

Well, that self-castration thing is only a rumor.

Dear Dr. Jeff,
What is your ATM card # and pin #?
Love, Mr. X

I pondered long and hard as to whether or not I should answer this question. “Perhaps it’s a trick,” I said to myself. “Perhaps some unscrupulous individual on the internets is trying to get a hold of my information for devious purposes, such as draining my bank account of my fabulous wealth.” Then I remembered that as a brilliant sage, I bring joy, love and knowledge to the world but don’t get much money in return, and therefore my bank account is pretty much empty, so it wouldn’t matter one way or the other if I gave out my ATM info.

However, and here’s the kicker, the info seems to have become mysteriously lost. See, I wrote it down on a piece of paper and sealed it (retro style, with a wax seal and everything) before passing it on to my magic helper sprite Bernice. Now, his sole job is to pass my musings on to the sexy sea nymphs that happen to be in charge of the running of, and content on, the internet. Unfortunately, Bernice was, shall we say, distracted by these sexy sea nymphs, as they tend to run around in skimpy bikinis, if they bother to wear clothes at all. (In fact, the bikinis are mostly for when they’re dealing with malfunctioning and/or overworked servers, but you’ll have to ask them for the specifics).

Now, while I’d been trying to give a direct answer to your question, I feel that perhaps we require a moment to go off on a tangent. You see, this question, and its desperate desire for the temporary orgasmic fulfillment of free money, is an excellent indicator of a deep problem – a problem in your soul. You are currently enslaved by the cruel master Consumerism, and while some people are totally into that master/slave thing, I assure you that BDSM is not the path to enlightenment. Sure, it’s good for a few kicks, just like stealing someone’s ATM/bank information, but in the end, you’ll only render yourself a useless, worn out husk of former humanity, desperately scratching in the figurative dirt of your soul in a vain attempt to find one last redeeming quality in your otherwise evil, cold-hearted existence. So, in conclusion, you disgust me, Mr. X. You disgust me good.

Dear Dr. Jeff,
How do you cure the clap?
Sincerely,
One sorry sex addict

Like all good doctors, medical or otherwise, I keep a team of highly trained witch doctors on my payroll. Why? Because they come in handy, especially in regards to things like this “clap” of yours. And since I pity you deeply, I decided to consult them and pass their answer on to you totally free of charge, because that’s what a nice guy I am. Anyway, they say the best way to cure the clap is to “clap while doin’ it”.

On second thought, maybe we shouldn’t listen to them.

I suppose it’s too late to point out that prevention is the best cure? Criminy. You kids these days, you’re always going at it like wild monkeys after a few too many vodka and red bulls, and then you’re all weepy what with the venereal disease and the belated regret. Did you regret it while you were “gettin it on”? DID YOU? I fear you didn’t, for you are clearly a disgusting pervert with no appreciation for the fact – yes, FACT – that the human body is a temple, even your no-doubt gross, putrid, disease-ridden body, so it’s time you take that into account. The first thing you’re going to have to do is break this “sex addiction” of yours. There are many good ways to do this. Personally, I recommend the one where you go onto a daytime talk show and humiliate yourself before a live studio audience who will taunt you with such witty barbs as “All this sex is just makin’ up for your small wing-wang, honey”, thus crushing your soul and grinding it to a fine paprika-like powder beneath their collective heel. Have you learned your lesson? I hope you have, you disgusting pervo. If not, there are more extreme measures. Perhaps you should follow classic Christian philosopher Origen’s example of (rumored) self-castration. And that, as they say, will learn ya good.

Advice from Terror!

Dear Terror,
I work with six year olds. what is the best way to scare the shit out of them?
Sincerely, A Right Bastard.

Tell them how difficult life is, how hard money is to come by, how quickly friends leave, how diseases will creep up on us all and slowly drain and kill us, or just that Santa Claus isn’t real. You could also possibly play them some Terror.

Dear Mr Terror,
I’m a grown man (somewhat) and I still can’t use the bathroom without having to open the shower curtain. I was scared as a child from too many scary movies and always think someone is standing in there. What do you recommend I do to break this stupid habit?
Yours Truly, One Giant Pussy

I don’t even know what this means. Is this just for shitting or for pissing as well? I would just get rid of the curtain and get a glass shower door. Therefore you could see whether a zombie or your weird ex-girlfriend were in there waiting to kill you while you were shitting.

Dear Terror,
I absolutely hate my family. How am I going to survive the holidays with them?
Thanks, Dreading Dreidls

Everyone struggles with family around holiday time. Just show up with a good attitude. At the very least, you’ll get a warm meal out of the visit.

Chicken Soup for the Bouncing Soul

I wanted to know what your advice to be to a band that has been together for two years and as soon as we played our first show we got a killer response and even signed to an Indy label! but we have our problems like we’re not really stage savvy anymore (we’ve all been in touring band before but we haven’t seen a stage in 2 years). and so I want to know if theirs any advice you can give us and if not, if you could just hit our site surf it some and let us know what you think, you and the rest of the souls are our heros and It would mean the world to us if any of you could just give us a hey in our guestbook or a post on our forum, we really take all our motivation from the souls directly for our sounds and the lyrics come strait from my life so if you have any advice you could give us that’d be great!
Thanks for the Times,
Justin Edwards

Hey Justin,

Thanks for the kind words and congratulations on the success so far of your band. As far as “stage savvy” goes, the most important thing is not to worry. It’s natural to be nervous of course, but there are two extremes on stage to avoid. On one end of the spectrum, there are people who are either so scared being “cool”, or who put forth so little effort that it sucks to see them up here. They are the ones who either turn their back toward the drummer for minutes on end or just never look up or engage the crowd at all. On the other end, are the people who have actual “moves” and are so slick it sucks to watch them too. That’s rockstar shit, it’s just not natural. For us, we started by playing at our own parties and friends’ parties. The atmosphere was always that there was no separation between the band and the crowd, we were all at the same party together, we are all involved in sharing the moment and making it the best time we can possibly have, together. So that’s my advice on ’stage savvy’. Just chill and live in the moment. See no separation between yourself and the crowd. There never should be. This Zen approach carries over to every detail of the band. Writing, creating imagery to express what you want to convey, etc. Good luck and have fun!

Dear Bryan,
Maybe you can offer some advice. My friend is getting out of control with alcohol – really out of control. He’s been pissing off all our close friends and no one wants to hang out with him anymore. When I bring it up, he says I’m overreacting because I’m sXe. I’m thinking of saying fuck you to the friendship and walking away, but maybe I’d feel guilty about it? I mean, I’d still see him at shows… Don’t know what to do.
-sXeric

In general, the best policy is to do everything you possibly can, never turn your back on a friend as long as there is something you can do. Do your very best to properly resolve every conflict as they arrive in your life, approach them as challenges, meet them with a calm and even mind, and grow as a person with every one. Unresolved conflicts travel with you forever, manifesting themselves in some form of negative energy, psychologically and even physically sometimes. So in the case of your friend, I believe that each of us is here to have our own experiences, insane as some of our paths they may be. Personally I’ve needed to make similar mistakes as your friend to experience and learn certain things about life, and myself. This may be just something he has to go through. In other words, this might be some kind of “stage” Another guess off the top of my head is that he’s bummed about something. Life can really suck sometimes and different people have different way of dealing with it. Nothing beats a good crew of friends though for getting through it and making it deece. If he’s really acting out, he may be reaching out. Perhaps he wants/needs attention. Try giving him good attention, as friends. (These are just random guesses as I am not there.) The one and only way I know to deal with a situation like this is by communication, the most open and honest you can be. It may sound cliche but you and your pal there need to have a serious heart to heart (when he’s sober). It’s important that you approach this with all the love and patience you can muster and maintain. As soon as the first voice raises or the first brow furrows, communication’s tunnel squeezes shut little more. Careful not to end up taking opposing sides of a bullshit line. Calling ourselves “Straightedge” or “drunk punks”, skins, etc, these are all ways of identifying ourselves, finding ourselves and our place in a fucked up society. Sometimes we forget the truth, that we are not separate, but one heart. Not to sound like a pussy or nothing, but love really is the answer. In love there is patience, there is no separation, nothing to react against or fight over. Handle this situation with patience and love, and if then it doesn’t work out, you will be resolved in the knowledge that you did your best and did the right thing.

Thinking about getting a tattoo, maybe the crass sign on my leg. Or maybe an 8 ball. suggestions?
Cheers mate, Ian

A picture is worth a thousand words, and your tattoos will be with you for the rest of your mortal life. My favorite tattoos are the ones that mean something to me personally, a lesson learned or a great moment or era remembered. Maybe a Crass symbol embodies your personal politics perfectly, in which it’ll serve as a reminder of this time of your life when you discovered this, when your heart is most awake and seeking the truth. That is something you never want to let die. A Crass tattoo will always remind you. I really can’t say and maybe I’m getting too deep here. Shit, life’s fuckin short, don’t sweat it too much, do what you want, think it through, but there’s also something to be said for spontaneous and maybe not-so-good tattoos. They are also reminders of a great moment. The circumstances surrounding you getting a tattoo also become part of what it symbolizes, or reminds you of. It’s about you and for you, not about impressing anyone else. Make sure you find a decent artist, it’s great having a really good tattoo here and there I have good tattoos and crappy tattoos and I gotta say I don’t regret any of them. As they say, it’s better to regret something you have done than to regret something you haven’t!

Ask the Virgin

Note: These are answered by a REAL, ACTUAL virgin that the READ staff knows! He doesn’t want to use his real name, but rest assured the man has NEVER had sex!

Dear Virgin,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost two years. Both of us are virgins, so we’re obviously nervous about doing the “deed”. We both want to do it soon, but we want it to be special… How do we know when the time is right?
–Eager Beaver

Beaver,
How the hell would I know?

Hi Virgin,
My girlfriend always likes to have a couple of drinks before we make love. I used to think it was cool, but now I’m bothered by it. Like, does she need to loosen up with alcohol before we have sex? Or is sex so bad that she needs to be a little drunk? I’m so insecure about it now that I can’t get fully erect, and our lovemaking has faltered. I think she’s drinking even more now. Should I speak to her about it?
–Weakening Willy

Willy,
Sounds like she doesn’t like you. Why not let me try having a go at it and see if she’s drinks when I’m banging her. Either way, she’s gonna be real groggy the next morning, you know what I’m saying.

Dear Virgin:
My girl is a two-input gal, and she’s great at it, but I want to go for three and she’s like NO WAY, EXIT ONLY. I’m getting kind of bored with the other stuff and I want to try something new. How can I get her to try it out?
–Dude Who Wants To Do His Girl Up The Butt And She’s Like No Way

Butt Dude,
Getting bored with sex huh? You spoiled prick!! At least you’re
getting some. I don’t even know how it is!

Have a question about meat?..

Dear Norby,
I have a pet Yorkshire Terrier named Scoobie. He’s the cutest thing you’ve ever seen. I love him so much, but every once in awhile I get this strange urge to lick him. You know, just to see how he tastes. And also sometimes I just want to bite him. I don’t know why, I think I’m c-c-c-crazy! What should I do?
–Puppy Lover in Arizona

Dear Puppy Lover,
Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Cook for 45 minutes then garnish with red wine. Serve with potatoes.

Dear Norby,
I met this wonderful girl, I think she likes me too. Thing is she’s a vegetarian and like most intelligent people, I eat meat. She might not kiss me after I eat a hotdog. Should I stop eating meat? I really like her a lot. Please, Norby, I need your help!
–Contemplating Carrots

Dear Contemplating,
Dump the bitch.

Dear Norby,
Even though I love meat, I also enjoy vegetables such as eggplant and turnips, and I also like meat substitutes like soy and tofu. Am I bringing shame to the meat-eating community?
–Veggies Are Good

Dear Asshole,
Go fuck yourself. Go shove some cucumbers up your ass, you fuck!! You know what I’d say to you if you were standing here right now? I’d say Fuck You! Fuck! Fuckin’ fuck!!!

Dear Norby,
A woman from Africa started at my job and she told me they eat termites, squirrels and fucking BATS! Bats – ewwwww. I hafta admit, that thought turned me off meat for a couple of days. I can almost see eating termites (tho this is probably because I’ve never actually seen a termite) but no way to BATS! When she told me, I said I couldn’t imagine they had much meat on them and she said, “Oh – they very bony.” I couldn’t stop thinking about that! I feel kinda sick thinking about it now… How can I ever enjoy meat the same way again?
–Sick In Iowa

Sick In Iowa,
Bitch, get over it. This world doesn’t need soft bat-huggers like you. Maybe you don’t understand the concept of the food chain. You think a bat wouldn’t mind mangling you if given the chance? Wake up, lady. People like you make me SICK. Fuck off and die.

Dear Norby,
I’ve been a big fan of yours for years, and every week my wife Alison and I, two huge meat fans, cut out your advice column and tape it to the fridge. Imagine my surprise when I realized that I just might need to ask YOU for advice, and that someday I might tape my own question to the fridge! Hahaha! Anyway, my question to you is, when throwing a party for our friends, is it proper etiquette for us to only serve meat hors-d’oevres? Should we offer also vegetables and dip, or perhaps cheese and crackers? A response from you would be very appreciated. Ta-ta!
–Bill & Alison, Ronkankama, NY

Hello you fucking yuppie shitbags,
The fact that you know how to fucking spell hors-d’oeuvres is enough to make me want to hit you with a brick. Do you want a kick, is that it? Do you want me to beat your head in with a lead crowbar? I’ll come down to your stupid-ass Ramcockupma suburban yuppie town, and I’ll fuck you all up. I’ll shit in your swimming pool. Fuck off and die.

To Mr. Norby:
You don’t know me, but I’ve been following your advice columns for quite a while. What I have discovered is that you are a depraved individual and nothing more than an uncouth cretin. The fact that people write to you just to be insulted is a sign of our decadent times. These people are gluttons for your punishment and are just as sick as you, if not more. I ask of you to desist in your offensive columns.
Yours in Christ,
A Concerned Person from St. Louis

Hey Christboy!
“The fact that people write to you…” Guess what, dumbass? You’re fuckin writing to me, you SCHMUCK! You should join the Church For Butthumping Altar Boys, you sick closet case. Go shove a crucifix up you ass. Fuck off and die.

Write to Norby for all your meat advice needs!

Chicken Soup for the Bouncing Soul

This may be a question you can’t answer, but what the hell. My boyfriend is in a band and will hopefully be going on tour sometime in the future. I have a huge problem with jealousy, which I realize is an issue I have to work on on my own. I do trust my boyfriend, but he’s never been on tour away from me for over 2 weeks. Is it a given that musicians cheat on their significant others while on tour? Is there any way I can make myself feel better about him being on tour surrounded by lame groupie sluts? It bothers me to even think of his band having girls on the bus after shows. How do the wives/girlfriends of the Bouncing Souls deal with this separation and jealousy (if any of them are jealous at all)?
Thanks, Adriane

Well, first of all it is not a given that all band guys cheat. A lot of them do, but plenty of them never do. To drive yourself crazy worrying about something you can’t control is no way to live. It’s an especially bad policy to ever try to control another human being, it only causes unnecessary stress and tension for both you and that person. The only thing you truly possess is your Self, it’s what you entered this world with and what you’ll leave this world with. How do you want to spend YOUR time while he’s away? Don’t waste a minute of it worrying and stressing about things (people) you can’t control, those are moments of your own life wasted. See this a great chance to work on this lesson, find serenity and happiness. Enjoy your time off!

I’m a struggling artist/graphic designer. I’ve been out of college for 3 years and I can’t seem to get a job in the graphic design field or any field for that matter. My confidence is shot to shit right now and I don’t think my stuff is any good. What should I do? Help me Obi-wan, you’re my only hope.
– Bryan #2

Bryan #2,
First of all, if art is your calling, never stop doing it. There are a lot of jobs in the ‘art field’ that can never satisfy your inner need to create true art, that glorious self expression that really satisfies the soul. Always remember that this is the most important thing. If you continue at it (drawing, painting, whatever you do), always pushing yourself to get better, you will be happy. As for money, just keep looking for a job that actually satisfies that part of you as an artist. They are few and far between, but never give up. In the meantime, you may have to compromise, like most people in this world; get whatever job you can to pay the rent. Just hold on to yourself and remember what makes you happy and that world wont sweep you away into its miserable orbit. You’re asking a guy who forged his own path with his own original art and music. Over 15 years it got good enough so that a lot of people dig it, but it took that long to develop. At some points I was homeless for it, but not a second of that time was wasted because I made finding myself and expressing myself the number one priority. It’s a great way to live, although maybe not for everyone. Meditate on what really makes you happy and make that your priority. Good luck!

I am tired. I am tired of being unappreciated. I am tired of being talked back to and cursed at. I give respect and hope to get it in return but often to no avail. Can you guess my occupation? I am a teacher. I spend most of my Sundays working. I wake up at 5 am every weekday and by the time I get home I am yawning. I often fall asleep as early as 6:30. I put in 100% and get back very little. Often I wonder, why am I in this job? I make shit money and I get no respect. My principal is a bigot and crazy traditionalist. I went into teaching because I was a punk as kid and hating being treated like shit because I was different. I hated high school with a passion but returned to help “misfit” kids like me realize that they are actually quite normal – unlike how they feel because people treat them differently.

I wanted to teach kids about the past so that they could make a better future. But really they can give a shit about History. Most of them just care about our crappy commercial culture. Most have little depth. My decision to be a teacher was about not selling out. But Im not sure that my decision is so true or realistic anymore? I could have easily went to law school but that is bullshit. I didn’t want to be one more lawyer destroying our legal system to make a buck. I wanted to do something that truly matters, that could truly change the world – one child at a time of course. I don’t feel like I’m doing that. I just feel tired. As someone at my age with a totally different perspective, what do you
think?
Cat

Love creates will, will creates energy. If you’re doing what you love, you will never feel tired. Sounds like you’re cracked right now. No need to overreact, getting cracked comes from being put in toughest situations, ones that try your innermost self and push your limits. Cracking is a blessing in disguise, it’s only then that the spirit grows and true wisdom is gained. You will learn great lessons (about yourself and thus life) from how you respond in these situations. In your letter, you are reacting, that’s ok to vent, but it’s not the whole truth, you’re outside of your center. In being so tired it’s easy to lose sight of why you got into this in the first place. The fact is, there are kids in your school that you definitely can help, I know it. Making a difference in just one kid’s life here and there would make all the rest of the bullshit worth it, this is what drives you. In the immediate sense, I’d say you need some kind of rest, a mental break to recharge your batteries. If there is no actual time you can spend away from work, look into meditation. It may sound corny to you, but I’ve heard just one half hour to one hour of meditation can be the equivalent to hours of sleep, it can regenerate you, recharge your batteries – just a suggestion. If not sitting meditation, some form of meditation, some activity that puts you into that zone of no-thought. Your mind needs rest to balance as much energy as you need for this big job. Somehow you must do this.

As I recall, in every class there was always one teacher that everyone liked. If it’s not you, find that person, how do they pull it off? There’s a lot to learn all around you. Look for what’s GOOD in the pop culture these kids are into, and almost anything can be tied into what you’re teaching, a history lesson, with effort and creative thinking. You must first be inspired yourself about history and why it’s important, that enthusiasm can be infectious. With time, effort, patience, and above all love you can create the ideal learning environment of your dreams. I believe that anything is possible, because Ive created my own world out of nothing; you have to be able to embrace the world you see as something you have to power to change.

Basically everyone on this earth has to work, and no one’s job is absolutely perfect, there are ugly sides to every occupation. It’s easy to fantasize about escaping your particular lot in life, but in any occupation there is work to be done and lame shit to tolerate. Dont lose sight of why you got here in the first place. If this indeed is your calling, do the best job you possibly can, remember good work is it’s own reward. I wish you all the love and strength you need for this massive undertaking. It’s not unappreciated, it is so important.
Bryan

Hey Bryan!
My name is James, I’m 16 and I’m from the great city of Boston. I just want to start off by saying this… thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my confused heart. Your music is incredible and so true and heart felt. it has gotten me through so many tough times and you have no idea how much your music has touched me. Anyways, I have this friend, her name is Kelly. She is a beautiful, funny, and all around great person. Her first show she ever went to was the show that you guys played on October 30, 2003 at the Avalon in Boston. She was an instant fan of you guys. She has been having some trouble lately. She has been really depressed and shes not doing well in school. She cut her wrists a lot, and shes seeing a therapist for it, but it really hasn’t helped much. She just feels so hopeless. Because she is in therapy, she can’t cut, which is good, but she’s just been having like withdrawal symptoms. She has become so dependant on cutting that it has controlled her life. Now that she can’t do it, shes been taking pills. Last night, she took a handful of pills and smashed her head on her bathroom sink and bathtub, right before passing out. She wants to die, and it’s so horrible. My girlfriend and I are best friends with this girl. We have been trying SO HARD to make her feel better about herself, but not a lot has worked. I will take any advice I can get. Please try to help me here! I’m just so scared for her, and when Kelly gets all depressed and suicidal, my girlfriend seems to get depressed also. Anything you can do to help will be greatly appreciated! Thank you so much for even reading this.
Your biggest fan,
James Zozula (i have a cool last name, huh?)

James, as her friend you need to spend as much time as possible with her, showing her all the love that you can. The reason I say this is because there was a point where I was so depressed and confused (and suicidal), and the only reason I stayed around was for the people I cared about. This is not a guarantee (that it will be the same for her) but it’s a very important role you play right now; sometimes (most times) friends are everything. She can beat this, but not if she checks out before the fight. It sounds like serious depression, you cut to feel, I know that numbness, and I can say it’s not forever. Life’s always changing, it’s the way of nature. If you don’t like it now, every day is a new chance to create something better for yourself. Find what you love and make that priority number one, no matter how many people tell you it’s wrong. This would be some advice I’d tell her. These are just words but still some of the only tools you have. As far as her condition, I’m not formally trained in any way and therefore am not suited to solve anything here. It’s (obviously) really important that she doesn’t pick up a new addiction out of this, try to keep her away from the fun drugs and booze. That kind of “self-medication” can lead to a whole new set of problems down the road. If she’s on meds, they may be the wrong ones. If she’s not on meds, maybe she needs a certain kind. Her therapist may be a useless dick, and she needs to try someone else. These are just all the thoughts that come to my mind. Hope any of it may have been helpful. Love to you, your girl, and Kelly.