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50 Ska Pick-Up Lines

• Pick Up Lines

1. Hi, I run a successful Ska website.
2. Want to find out what mustard plug really means?
3. Here’s a message for you, come over here and blow me!
4. Nice wingtips, wanna fuck?
5. Yup that’s my penis. Wanna pick it up?
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50 Ska & Punk Pick-up Lines

• Pick Up Lines

1) You might be old school, but baby, you still look high school.
2) Can I see all your piercings?
3) I see you have a dog collar. Will you be my bitch?
4) I like your plaid spandex pants, but I like myself in them better.
5) Can I rip more holes in your clothes?
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Jesus Christ Pick-Up Lines

• Pick Up Lines

1) Want a good seat at my crucifixion?
2) Can I nail you to a cross? No, then how about in a bed?
3) Wanna find out what’s under these robes?
4) Nice sandals, wanna fuck?
5) Want a glass of “water”?
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Really Bad Songs To Annoy Your Friends With

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Did you ever make a Mix tape or Mix Cd for your friends and wanted to annoy the living crap out of them with “secret songs?” Or have you ever had a contest with your friends on what songs are the absolute worst to listen to? Well, I’ll help you out and provide a list of songs and performers to put on mixes, or just download for pure enjoyment!

(Disclaimer: If you’re offended by my comments, get the sand out of your vagina!)
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If Lightsabers Were Real

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Trim the hedges of many small villages
Make a midget colony
Move to Canada and become a lumberjack
Slash tires with ease
Go to Woodstock and have some fun
Cut my own hair (very carefully)
Finally open bags of chips
Chop down my basketball rim
Remodel my house
Ice sculptures
Give something new that Mason-heads could play with
Finally shut up that kid that reminds the teacher that they didnt assign homework
Shave the legs and armpits of those hairy feminists
Add a whole new meaning to the term anal probe
You thought sparklers were the coolest thing for Fourth of July?
Get rid of mosquitoes floating around the stagnant swamp I call my pool
Two words: pest control
Even out the legs of my table
No need for scissors anymore
Two more words: ultimate bug zapper (OK, I know thats three but use your imagination, OK?)
Get rid of Leonardo Dicrapio
Light my cigarettes
Trim Chewbacca, that damn “walking carpet”
Play
Trim my nosehairs and other unslightly body hairs
Plastic surgery
Can opener
Cut cars in half… just because I could.
Finally be able to say “I am a Jedi like my father before me” and look really cool doing it.
Cut in line at the DMV and if anyone hassles me I’ll just blaze it up and watch em run.
Put it on my wall like a war veteran’s gun and say old man shit like “I fought in the clone wars,you whipper snapper!”
Surprise the fuck outta the pizza delivery boy when he pulls up to the driveway and I have it lit up and ready to go.
Two words… Red Rover.
Call myself Obi-Gallagher and cut watermelons all up.
Surprise the fuck out of a smoker when he asks me for a light.
Three words… Fucked up jacko’lantern.
Go into a field and practice on cows… then eat the leftovers.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Fake Interview

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Hi Arnold.

Hi little girl. (Jingle All The Way)

Uh.. hi. Shall we begin?

Who the fuck are you? (End Of Days)

I’m the interviewer. Remember? Your publicist set this up?

I don’t remember you. I don’t remember us. I don’t even remember me. (Total Recall)

Well, your publicist set this up. Maybe you don’t remember, but…

Nice night for a walk. (Terminator)

Yep.

Great day, huh? (Kindergarten Cop)

Yes, it’s pleasant. Anyway, I wanted to ask you some questions about your career.

First, I’d like to just get to know you. (Kindergarten Cop)

Okay, shoot.

Now I’m going to ask you a bunch of questions, and I want them answered immediately. (Kindergarten Cop)

Umm.. how about I do the asking? How did you first get involved in acting?

Yes, I was in a movie…It was called, the girl of my dreams… it starred you. Matter of fact, we have this really romantic scene together. (Last Action Hero)

Haha, but seriously, what got you into acting? What was your life’s mission at that point?

My mission is to protect you. (Terminator 2)

I don’t need protecting.

You’re alive, and I’ll keep you that way. (Eraser)

And what makes you think you can protect me, even if I needed it?

Hey, I’m a police officer. (Kindergarten Cop)

What, you’re an actor AND a police officer? And I hear you also want to be a politician. A bit of a social chameleon are we?

What can I say? I’m a spy. (True Lies)

You wear a lot of hats, apparently. But who is the real you?

My name is Julius and I’m your twin brother. (Twins)

Haha, I doubt that. I look nothing like you!

Ya know, you’re the best celebrity look alike I’ve ever seen. (Last Action Hero)

First you want to protect me, now you want to charm me. Are you hitting on me?

Come on baby, you know you’re the girl of my dreams. (Total Recall)

Sorry, Arnold. I have a boyfriend. You’re on your own.

What would I do without you? (Jingle All The Way)

Thanks but no thanks.

Your clothes…give them to me. (Terminator)

Say what?

It’s me that you want! (Commando)

You wish! You don’t own me.

Well I got news for you. You’re mine now! You Belong to ME! (Kindergarten Cop)

I hope you’re joking…

I’m going to be around you a lot. Days, nights, weekends, holidays. (Kindergarten Cop)

Who the fuck do you think you are?

My name is Freeze. Learn it well, for it’s the chilling sound of your doom. (Batman & Robin)

Oh, so because I don’t want your crotch, you have to be threatening?

Stop being such a pussy. (End Of Days)

You know, you’re just like a little child. When you can’t get what you want, you get angry.

Blow me. (True Lies)

Now you’re being sulky.

Well, I hope you have room for my fist, because I’m going to ram it into your stomach and break your goddamn spine! (Running Man)

Pssh. You want me and you can’t have me.

You’re one ugly motherfucker. (Predator)

That’s not what you were saying five minutes ago. You want to tap this fine ass.

You’re damaged goods, lady. (True Lies)

And you’re a psycho and a pervert.

I’m not a pervert…I was just looking for Turbo Man doll. (Jingle All The Way)

Awww. You ARE like a little boy. THAT’S who you are deep down inside. A scared little boy who wants his mama.

…I’m afraid and I’m shy. (Conan The Barbarian)

You are so precious!! You should’ve opened up to me sooner. Why are you so guarded?

Oh, there’s a lot of about me you don’t know. (End Of Days)

Well, I want to know more. Do you want to bring this interview back to my room?

Let’s rock n roll. (Twins)

Baudelaire vs. Prince

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A hymn is a song of praise, usually religious in nature. Charles Baudelaire’s ‘Hymn to Beauty’ is a second-person poem, addressing the personification of Beauty. Prince’s song ‘Anna Stesia’ from the album ‘Lovesexy’ is also a second-person hymn, however it is to the personification of Love — the woman Anna Stesia. Both works have many similarities and differences.

Both praise their subjects, but Baudelaire is also very critical. Throughout the poem, he questions the source of beauty: “Come you, o Beauty; from the sky profound/Or the abyss?” (first stanza); “Come you from the dark gulf or from the stars?” (third stanza); “What matter if you come from heaven or hell” (sixth stanza); “From Satan or from God, seraph or fiend” (seventh stanza). He believes that Beauty, as well as being pure and heavenly, is also cold and cruel. He hints that Beauty can lead men to fall from grace, but is not responsible for its actions: “You sow, at random, joy and bitterness/You rule the world, responsible for naught” (third stanza). In fact, men are most likely the ones to blame for their own downfall. By becoming “dazzled” to Beauty’s “candle wings”, they, in a sense, destroy themselves. The final irony of Beauty is that not only will it “burn” its admirers, but the consumed will still “bless this flame!” (fifth stanza). After making these insights, Baudelaire sighs and shrugs at them by the end of the poem. He asks what does it matter if, after all, Beauty “makes the world less grim, [and the] time fly faster” (seventh stanza).

Prince, on the other hand, feels that “Anna Stesia” (a play-on words on “anesthesia”) is the panacea for the emptiness within himself. Anna Stesia represents the concept of Love, and he begs her to make him less lonely, and to “talk 2 me, ravish me, liberate my mind” (chorus). Just as anesthesia takes away pain, Prince’s Anna Stesia takes away the things that are burning inside of him, and fills him with happiness and a sense of meaning. In fact, he sees Love as a way to elevate his soul, and get closer to God: “Closer 2 my higher self, closer 2 heaven… closer 2 God.” Anna Stesia then becomes God, for “Love is God/God is Love”. Prince is not praising God when he says that; he is giving Love the ultimate praise by saying that it is God. During the song, he prays to Anna Stesia to “liberate” and “craze” him. At the end, he prays directly to Love as it is the highest power: “You are my God, I am Your child.” The sudden change to a religious message and from “U” to “You” symbolizes Prince’s realization and respect of Love as the most important entity: “Now my Lord I understand” (third verse).

‘Hymn to Beauty’ and ‘Anna Stesia’ are very similar in that the writers use a religious context to praise their subjects. Baudelaire calls Beauty “infernal and divine”. Prince comes right out to say to Love, “You are my God”. Both works also show an inner conflict within the authors. Although Baudelaire is deeply affected by Beauty, he is also in horror and awe of Beauty’s contradictory nature. The darkest and most vivid description of Beauty is from the fourth stanza: “Murder, among your baubles most beloved/Dances, enamoured, on your splendid breast”. Murder? Splendid breast? Charles Baudelaire masters oxymoron to describe this thing that fascinates him.

Prince’s conflict is his loneliness and desire to find Love. He feels stretched “between white and black, night and day”, but settles for black night in which to hide himself (second verse). However, when he finds Love, he rises above his depression. When he looks into Love’s face he sees God. This is very different from ‘Hymn to Beauty’ in that he is not critical or skeptical of Love. In fact, he sees Love as a cure-all, again back to the “anesthesia” theme. Although both works are in second-person format, Prince’s song is much more internal than the semi-objective ‘Hymn to Beauty’. While Baudelaire excels in relating the nature of Beauty through contradictory imagery, Prince is more interested in relating his own feelings through his surreal universe.

Separated by over a century and on the other side of the world, it is interesting to see the similarities in these two works. Charles Baudelaire and Prince, who at first seem like completely different people, share the same ideas on the same universal themes.

The Twilight Zone

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At Jamaica Station I spotted a kid I once knew. He was wearing a shirt and tie and looked half-dead with exhaustion. I was about to call his name when I realized I couldn’t remember it. Weird.. I remembered everything else about him: We were in a band together five years ago, we played prog rock and acid jazz, he played bass, he’s a year older than me, has a younger brother named James… But what’s HIS name? I drew a blank.

He was taking the same train as me to Penn Station. I sat down next to him. “What’s up!” I said smiling. He didn’t smile back.
“Hey,” he said. He leaned back and closed his eyes. “So where you headed to?” I asked. He mumbled something. “What?”

He said Penn. “No shit, everyone here is going to Penn. What are you doing in the city? School, work?”

He opened his eyes. “School? In the summer?”

I shrugged. “We ll, yeah, I’m doing both…”

“Would I be going to school dressed like this?”

“I guess not.” I felt like I was annoying him so I asked him where he worked. People like talking about themselves.

“Some place on Wall Street,” he said vaguely. “It’s a risk-management place. I don’t even know what it does. Be careful of any business that doesn’t explain its purpose in plain English. Shit, I’m tired.” He tried going to sleep. I hit him in the shoulder.

“What, you think you’re the only one tired on this train?”

“I’m tired…”

“Maybe it’s chronic fatigue.”

“No…”

“Maybe it’s too much sex.”

He looked at me. “Is there such thing?”

“You obviously have never met my girlfriend.”

“Same girl? Short hair? Green eyes?”

“Umm, yeah.” I felt guilty that he could describe my girlfriend he met over a year ago when we ran into him at Green Acres Mall, but I couldn’t even remember his name.

“Shit, I’m tired,” he said.

“Maybe it’s your diet.”

“Maybe it’s the fact that it’s five-thirty in the fucking morning!”

“Oh. Oh yeah.”

We both kept quiet. He closed his eyes and tried going to sleep. I guess he couldn’t. He let out a sigh and said in a forced voice, ” So you’ve been going with that girl for awhile.”

“Yeah, almost two years.”

“Shit!”

“Well, we’re breaking up soon. She’s moving to Chicago in a few weeks.”

“Happy or sad?”

“A little of both. Depends.” I looked at the buttons on my backpack.

“Yeah. I could understand that.” His eyes remained closed while he talked. He started mumbling. I only caught every other word. “I’m staring down the barrel of two years myself. One year and ten months… It’s an amazing thing… I feel like I got nowhere. Two years passes and I’m still in one place… nothing’s changed… I didn’t go anywhere, and if anything, I regressed financially…. This standstill…stagnant relationship… nowhere to go but down… Then they start talking about rings… two years… completely gone… wasted…”

We both became quiet. The train was silent. I watched a man in a suit do a crossword puzzle. I looked at an older woman reading a Sandra Brown book with a dark purple cover. I observed all the sleeping people… heads up, heads down. Mouths open, nostrils flaring, stupid sleeping expressions… there’s something disquieting about a large amount of well-dressed people sleeping all over the place. Important-looking people looking like shit. Heads on briefcases, arms, shoulders. Then they pick themselves up, walk to their jobs like zombies, everything’s gray around them until they get their first cup of coffee at work. They later go home, sleeping on the train again. They repeat this. Probably until they die, which wouldn’t be much different from what they’re used to.

I whispered to the kid I once knew well, “Look at them. It’s disgusting. Drooling on each other… They’ll get up before the train stops… in a mad rush to get in front of the next person. And on the platform, they even know where the train stops. They form little pyramids along the platform… they gather around an invisible door. Can’t they see what they’re doing? How lifeless they are?”

I stopped talking; the kid was sleeping or at least pretending to be. I stopped trying to remember his name. I looked at the people for a few more minutes, got up and sat somewhere else.

SPAOJ & READ At The Oscars 2005

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ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE

Don Cheadle – HOTEL RWANDA
Johnny Depp – FINDING NEVERLAND
Leonardo DiCaprio – THE AVIATOR
Clint Eastwood – MILLION DOLLAR BABY
Jamie Foxx – RAY

READ: Have to go with Jamie Foxx on this one, given that he was snubbed for Booty Call.
SPAOJ: Leonardo diCRAPio probably sucked off half the Academy members so he’ll probably win.

ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

Alan Alda – THE AVIATOR
Thomas Haden Church – SIDEWAYS
Jamie Foxx – COLLATERAL
Morgan Freeman – MILLION DOLLAR BABY
Clive Owen – CLOSER

READ: Jamie Foxx. I’m still in tears over his brilliant performance as Bunz.
SPAOJ: Whoa…Thomas Haden Church IS alive! hmm I guess I lost a bet.

ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE

Annette Bening – BEING JULIA
Catalina Sandino Moreno – MARIA FULL OF GRACE
Imelda Staunton – VERA DRAKE
Hilary Swank – MILLION DOLLAR BABY
Kate Winslet – ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND

READ: Once again, I have to go with Jamie Foxx. The man is a genius.
SPAOJ: Michael Moore was SOOO snubbed!!

ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

Cate Blanchett – THE AVIATOR
Laura Linney – KINSEY
Virginia Madsen – SIDEWAYS
Sophie Okonedo – HOTEL RWANDA
Natalie Portman – CLOSER

READ: Four “who?”‘s and one “boiiiiiing!” My erection chooses Portman.
SPAOJ: I think Natalie Portman should have been nominated for Best Actress and HER ASS should have been nominated for Best Supporting Actress.

ANIMATED FEATURE FILM

THE INCREDIBLES
SHARK TALE
SHREK 2

READ: Cartoons are below me. I fill my time solely with films that are high art, except for that film High Art, which really sucked.
SPAOJ: Is it wrong that I find Mrs. Incredible really hot?

ART DIRECTION

THE AVIATOR
FINDING NEVERLAND
LEMONY SNICKET’S A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS
THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA
A VERY LONG ENGAGEMENT

READ: Ah, the ever-important Art Direction award. Given for excellence in.. umm… painting the sets. I didn’t see any of these movies, so I’ll go with Jaime Foxx in Booty Call.
SPAOJ: The art direction team should have made some boobs for Gwen Stefani in the Aviator.

CINEMATOGRAPHY

THE AVIATOR
HOUSE OF FLYING DAGGERS
THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST
THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA
A VERY LONG ENGAGEMENT

READ: The one award that no one can spell. Gotta go with Jesus on this one. And by Jesus, I mean Jaime Foxx as Bunz in Booty Call.
SPAOJ: The Jesus movie will win because those shots of his skin ripping off his body in slow-mo were awesome!

COSTUME DESIGN

THE AVIATOR
FINDING NEVERLAND
LEMONY SNICKET’S A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS
RAY
TROY

READ: Troy is up for an Academy Award? And I thought the Academy lost all credibility when they snubbed Booty Call!
SPAOJ: Like, oh my god, those clothes in Finding Neverland were totally lame. Like for sure.

DIRECTING

THE AVIATOR
MILLION DOLLAR BABY
RAY
SIDEWAYS
VERA DRAKE

READ: Vera Drake doesn’t have a chance in hell. Clint might win because the Academy’s lips are forever attached to his dick.
SPAOJ: Give Scorsese the damn Oscar already so they stop nominating him. The man could direct a German Shizer film and the Academy would still nominate him.

DOCUMENTARY FEATURE

BORN INTO BROTHELS
THE STORY OF THE WEEPING CAMEL
SUPER SIZE ME
TUPAC: RESURRECTION
TWIST OF FAITH

READ: Hoping for Born Into Brothels because maybe they’ll show some Booty Call-esque footage. Tupac will probably win though, because if he doesn’t, he’ll release another four post-humous releases bashing the Academy.
SPAOJ: Maybe the camel is weeping because he has lung cancer.

DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECT

AUTISM IS A WORLD
THE CHILDREN OF LENINGRADSKY
HARDWOOD
MIGHTY TIMES: THE CHILDREN’S MARCH
SISTER ROSE’S PASSION

READ:Huh huh. Hardwood.
SPAOJ: Sister Rose’s Passion…oohh, that sounds HOT!

FILM EDITING

THE AVIATOR
COLLATERAL
FINDING NEVERLAND
MILLION DOLLAR BABY
RAY

READ: I think the film editor is the guy who makes sure everyone’s names are spelled correctly in the credits. Since Jamie Foxx has the name most likely to be misspelled, I have to go with Ray and/or Booty Call.
SPAOJ: I guess Ray should win it since they edited all that footage of Jamie Foxx bumping into the walls.

FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM

AS IT IS IN HEAVEN
THE CHORUS
DOWNFALL
THE SEA INSIDE
YESTERDAY

READ: Le Call d’ Booty
SPAOJ: As it is in Heaven… hopefully that’s a bunch of naked chicks massaging me and feeding me grapes… With a happy ending of course!

MAKEUP

LEMONY SNICKET’S A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS
THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST
THE SEA INSIDE

READ: The Jesus Christ Movie. They did a great job with his eyelashes and making his cheekbones more prominent.
SPAOJ: Jesus’ hair in the movie looks soooo faaaaabulous.

MUSIC (SCORE)

FINDING NEVERLAND
HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN
LEMONY SNICKET’S A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS
THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST
THE VILLAGE

READ: If your job is to make music scores for movies, you ought to go back to your high school and stab your guidance counselor to death.
SPAOJ: Imagine if they had a soundtrack of Jesus singing his favorite christian songs while getting whipped?… WAIT, where’s everyone going!? COME BACK!

MUSIC (SONG)

“Accidentally In Love” – SHREK 2
“Al Otro Lado Del R” – THE MOTORCYCLE DIARIES
“Believe” – THE POLAR EXPRESS
“Learn To Be Lonely” – THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA
“Look To Your Path (Vois Sur Ton Chemin)” – THE CHORUS

READ: Learn To Be Lonely if you like any of these songs.
SPAOJ: Do these songs sound freakin’ gay or what!!??

SHORT FILM (ANIMATED)

BIRTHDAY BOY
GOPHER BROKE
GUARD DOG
LORENZO
RYAN

READ: The Triplets of Booty Call.
SPAOJ: The one about Renegade is gonna win.

SHORT FILM (LIVE ACTION)

EVERYTHING IN THIS COUNTRY MUST
LITTLE TERRORIST
7:35 IN THE MORNING
TWO CARS, ONE NIGHT
WASP

READ: Little Terrorist. It must be a Problem Child sequel.
SPAOJ: 7:35 in the morning, i’m usually taking a massive shit.

SOUND EDITING

THE INCREDIBLES
THE POLAR EXPRESS
SPIDER-MAN 2

READ: Jeez, why dont they just give out awards for being grips?
SPAOJ: *FLIPS COIN* um, who gives a fuck?

SOUND MIXING

THE AVIATOR
THE INCREDIBLES
THE POLAR EXPRESS
RAY
SPIDER-MAN 2

READ:How come this has five entrees and Sound Editing only has three? How does one tell the difference between sound mixing and editing anyway? This whole thing is fucked.
SPAOJ: Why is Polar Express nominated? They couldn’t even get the mouths to go along with the voices.

VISUAL EFFECTS

HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN
I, ROBOT
SPIDER-MAN 2

READ: I, Robot. I heard they spent millions in special effects to make Will Smith look like he can act.
SPAOJ: Damnit, you stole my joke!

WRITING (ADAPTED SCREENPLAY)

BEFORE SUNSET
FINDING NEVERLAND
MILLION DOLLAR BABY
THE MOTORCYCLE DIARIES
SIDEWAYS

READ: Before Sunset, because I love hearing two self-absorbed rich white people talk eighth-grade philosophy.
SPAOJ: Writing is stupid.

WRITING (ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY)

THE AVIATOR
ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND
HOTEL RWANDA
THE INCREDIBLES
VERA DRAKE

READ: Eternal Booty Calls of the Spotless Mind
SPAOJ: People seem to like Charlie Kaufman. Personally I think he sucks donkey dick.

BEST PICTURE

THE AVIATOR
FINDING NEVERLAND
MILLION DOLLAR BABY
RAY
SIDEWAYS

READ: Booty Call.
SPAOJ: I don’t know why someone would make the movie Ray. After all, who would watch a movie about singer Ray Parker Jr?

Blue Oyster Cult — Track by Rockin’ Track

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What is the greatest rock n’ roll band ever to come out of Long Island? KISS? Umm, yeah… Well, besides them. Billy Joel? True, true… Debbie Gibson? Well, yeah… So who does that leave? That’s right! Blue Oyster Cult!

Blue Oyster Cult were one of the first real heavy metal bands, and as a historic sidenote — their manager Sandy Pearlman was the first to apply the phrase heavy metal to the music at hand! As much as they rocked, they were at times weird, experimental, and hard to classify. They also had very intelligent lyrics that ranged from social commentary to mythology to psychology to the macabre to science fiction to the supernatural. Hey, this is interesting… My friend Jay told me that I’m somehow related to Richard Meltzer — the rock journalist/critic from the 70′s who single-handedly made famous and co-wrote half their early songs. Now how about that! I’ve never seen the guy at any family gatherings but I hear he’s a recluse. Or maybe he’s dead. Who cares? Point is, is a great band, they rock my ass off, and here’s my take on every track they ever recorded. Cult Power!!

After Dark – It rocks, it’s got cute casio effects, this song RULES. BOC are masters of splicing cuteness with rockiness, without becoming cheesy. This song makes me bop. Bop! Wa-hoo! (FU)

Astronomy – Originally it was written for a long-delayed theme album that later became the complex “Imaginos.” But this version, released on ST, is so beautiful and it just touches something inside of me. Their own description of the song? “The rhythm of events on-rushing; the gallop of events in the saddle; the Invisibles visible at last and manifest; no more hints or traces, but, their agent unleashed to forge a new destiny…” Well, umm, okay, but does it rock? Does it!!! It sure freakin’ does!! This is one of the greatest songs EVER!! (ST, SEE, IM)

Baby Ice Dog – Dumb song that begins “The Red” side of Tyranny & Mutation, which is the less rockin’, lame side. (TM)

Beat Em Up – The best song on the cheesy synthy Club Ninja. It’s poppy, but does rock a bit. Would make a great live song. (CN)

Before The Kiss, A Redcap – Bad title, great song. Their trademark is to have dumb titles for all their great songs. This one’s a bluesy tune with lots of energy. The best part is the middle where it goes into this weird, keyboard, hand-clappin’ country-like shuffle. (BOC)

Black Blade - Oh wow. This used to be one of my favorite songs, and I still think it’s pretty keen. This song is about that Michael Moorcock fantasy book about the Elric guy with the sword that possessed him or something like that. Anyhoo, this song is all about that stuff, and it rocks. When they do the fantasy stuff well, they do it really well. (CE, XL)

Blue Oyster Cult – Not an anthem that you’d expect… This is just another weird song from the Imaginos tone poem. (IM)

Born To Be Wild – Steppenwolf’s classic biker tune was covered by their protege on the On Your Feet live album. Hey, this is the song that coined the phrase “Heavy metal.” Whoa. (ON)

Buck’s Boogie – Crazy guitar solo on their first live album. Heavy riff, rockin’ drums, this smokes! (ON)

Burnin’ For You - Probably their biggest hit next to Don’t Fear The Reaper. It’s the same formula — Heavy rock ballad that’s very radio friendly. Honestly though, I have to admit that this song is so freakin’ good. I absolutely love it. Of course I do: it’s on Fire of Unknown Origin! (FU, XL)

Cagey Cretins - Is this song about giant worms attacking Maine? I was never able to figure it out. (ST)

Career Of Evil – Co-penned by Patti Smith, this cool, evil song opens up the incredible third album Secret Treaties. Evil lyrics (“I’d like to do it to your daughter/On a dirt road.”) The keyboards carry the riff, creating the full-keyboard sound that is to soon become uniquely (or the Doors. Or any other band with a full-keyboard sound). (ST)

Celestial The Queen – Surprisingly cool song, given the cheesy title and chorus, on the keys-heavy Spectres album. (SP)

Cities On Flame With Rock & Roll – This song is pure heavy metal. Heavy, heavy riff. Head-bangin’ beats. This was their first single, and a sign of the all the great rockin’ to come. This is a metal classic. “My heart is black/and my lips are cold./Cities on flame/with rock and roll./Three thousand guitars/They seem to cry./My ears will melt/and then my eyes.” Oh man, this is one of my favorites. (BOC, ON, XL)

Dancin’ In The Ruins – Hard rock pop, but very catchy. Pretty good. (CN)

Deadline – Wake me up when it’s over. (CE)

Death Valley Nights – Rock ballad on Spectres. Nice piano work by keyboardist Allen Lanier, but the overall product is lackluster and snoozey. (SP)

Debbie Denise – This is the song that closes out the interesting Agents of Fortune album. It’s a fucked-up ballad that wants very badly to rock out. There’s a lot going on here; a very complete sound. Actually, this song would be perfect with a moog. (AOF)

Del Rio’s Song – Hey, I know someone named Dale Rio!! Whoa!! She takes pictures and has cool tattoos. Her boyfriend made me a cool Mod tape. The song’s not about her tho. It’s about… hell, I dunno! It’s on Imaginos. But it’s pretty good! (IM)

Divine Wind - Boringsaurus. (CE)

Dominance and Submission – This song is so cool. The original on ST is kinda retarded with the badly overdubbed vox, but the live version on XL totally smokes! (ST, XL)

(Don’t Fear) The Reaper – This is the song that MADE Blue Oyster Cult. It’s a spooky ballad, with a very nice sound and cute background vox. They kinda sound like the Hollies in a fucked-up acid-soaked way. Great cowbell percussion, strong guitar work, cool keyboard mid-part solo, and perfect harmonies. It even rocks! (AOF, SEE, XL)

Don’t Turn Your Back – “Big money goes around the world!” Sorry, the guitars here sound like Rush. A decent song, with the quality here being Eric Bloom’s amazing voice. A nice laid-back closing tune on the brilliant and ingenius Fire Of Unknown Origin album. What a great album! (FU)

Dr. Music – Ugh, I don’t dig this song. It’s got the cheesiest chorus and lousy harmonica solo. But there is this cool latin-afro percussion thingy toward the end. (MR, XL)

Dragon Lady – Forgettable. (RN)

E.T.I. (Extra Terrestial Intelligence) – Definitely the best song on Agents of Fortune. Cool riff, great keys, driving drums, and just a great song. Musically and lyrically, it’s also a precursor of some of the weird sci-fi effects and references later found on Cultosaurus Erectus & Fire of Unknown Origin. Classic!! (AOF, SEE, XL)

Eyes On Fire – Purely 1983. (RN)

Fallen Angel – You’d think with a title like Fallen Angel’ this would be a ballad! Posh! This ain’t Aerosmith we’re talking about here! This is Blue Fucking Oyster Cult, motherfucker! It ROCKS! It’s FUNKY! This song is purely for bopping. Pardon me, I must bop. Bop. Bop. (CE)

Feel The Thunder – Early 80s synth-rock with a spooky edge. A song about bikers that doesn’t work because it just doesn’t rock. Where’s the Heavy Metal Thunder?? I don’t feel it… (RN)

Fire Of Unknown Origin – The title track of one of the BEST records EVER. Folks, you HAVE to listen to this album. It’s so good, it’s eerie. It doesn’t totally rock out, but chooses a more pop route but it’s consistently great regardless. Anyway this song just totally smokes. Great full sound, oh MAN, this tune is AWESOME!! This is gonna be my wedding song. (FU)
Fireworks – BOC discovered cheesiness at this point in their career. This song is pure Hard Rock. My head is bopping, not banging! Still a good song though. (SP)

Flaming Telepaths – Classic! It’s got this Hollies sound that I can’t put my finger on, but lyrically it’s twisted and about drug abuse (I think). I love this song! “And the joke’s on you…” (ST)

Godzilla – One of their most popular tunes that made them gods in the eyes of the Japanese. It’s a cute song, but nothing special to me. “Oh no, there goes Tokyo! Go go Godzilla!” Best line: “History shows again and again, how nature points out the folly of man. Godzilla!” (SP, SEE, XL)

Goin’ Through The Motions – Hand-clappin’, foot-stompin’, fun ball of energy. Interspersed with ballad-esque keys and vox, and neat-o chimes and sound effects. My favorite song on Spectres. (SP)

Golden Age Of Leather – Rockin’ biker tune, sentimentalizing the umm.. golden age of leather! “Bodies and bikes, beyond repair. The smell of gas and oil in the air.” Harleys, chrome, beer, knife fights, it’s all here! Plus, a lyrical reference to the Red & the Black, my favorite song! (SP)

The Great Sun Jester – Starts off like a bad song from the Red Side of TM, but then starts to rock. A pretty cool song, even though I have no idea what it’s about. Something about a star that gets stripped of its power (?) (MR)

Harvester of Eyes – I used to love this song. It’s pretty cool and weird, and ends with toy piano music! (ST, ON)

Heavy Metal: The Black And Silver – The rockinest song on Fire, but certainly not the best. This metal song borders a bit on the glam side, and it just seems.. I dunno… kinda redundant. I mean, you can’t write a heavy metal song about heavy metal and call it Heavy Metal. And I think this song was in that terrible anime-wannabe movie Heavy Metal. Lame. (FU)

Hot Rails To Hell – Pure biker metal, baby!! Frontal lobe attack!! Macabre, yet it rocks to no end! A great, great live song. Cult power! (TM, ON, XL)

Hungry Boys – What the hell is going on here?? This is NUTS!!! Woo woo!! It’s heavy, and it’s about junkies in withdrawal, but the vocals and harmonies are so cute, in a weird eerie way. It rocks, it’s weird, it’s CULT POWER!!!! (CE)

I Am The One You Warned Me Of – Back to rockin’ after their two sucky pop records, BOC are in top form on this opener to the indecipherable concept album Imaginos. (IM)

I Am The Storm – Terrible. Absolutely terrible. I am forever scarred. (MR)

I Love The Night – Uh oh. They love the night. Eep! Enough sarcasm, this ballad is actually very pretty, with nice vox and guitars. (SP)

Imaginos – If you got up to this song on the same titled album, then you have almost successfully completed it. Congrats! Now explain it to me. (IM)

I’m On The Lamb, But I Ain’t No Sheep – A cool, fast finger-pickin’ guitar riff and heavy drums, but the song itself doesn’t really stand out. Ends with a cool jazzy guitar-drums rock-out. (BOC)

In Thee – Yet another song that for some reason reminds me of the Hollies. Probably because of the vocal harmonies and smooth piano and guitar chords. This is a very pretty song. Not too ballady, but *nice* sounding. Very very nice. (MR)

In The Presence Of Another World – Eh, it’s all right. Part of that Imaginos song-cycle thingy. (IM)

Joan Crawford – BOC have sung about vampires, Godzilla, even Satan. But what is the most frightening demonic creature they have ever thought up?? Joan Crawford, risen from the grave. This song is hilarious, pure evil, and it rocks so much I don’t know what to do with myself. Should I dance? Mosh? Headbang? Skank? Jump around like a moron? Yes… Yes, that is what I shall do. (FU, XL)

Kick Out The Jams – Awesome cover of the classic MC5 pre-punk anthem. BOC kick it out with even more energy than the original. (SEE)

Les Invisibles – Pretty cool, but I don’t know what’s going on. Imaginos weirdness. (IM)

Let Go – Hard rockin’ pop on RN. Pretty good purposely-designed anthem, equipped with hand claps and poppy background vox. “B-O-C! You can be – whatever you want to be. – You got the power – we got the key! Yeah! B-O-C!” Best song on RN. (RN)

Light Years Of Love – AAAAAGGGHHH!!! Make it stop!!! NOOooooooo!!!! (RN)

Lips In The Hills – This rocks, but I have no idea what it’s about. It rocks so freakin’ much tho. I must go and mosh around my room in my pajamas. (CE)

Lonely Teardrops – Cheesy title, but the song is actually really funky and cool, probably because the guitar riff was stolen from a track off of Zeppelin’s “Physical Graffiti.” (MR)

Madness To The Method – Oh god. Why??? (CN)

Magna Of Illusion – This song would be great if I knew what the fuck was going on. Stupid confusing Imaginos album!! (IM)

Make Rock Not War – Should be “Make Weak Hard Rock Synth Pop Not War.” (CN)

The Marshall Plan – Pure rock song, with a hidden Deep Purple riff stuck in there for good measure! Man this rocks. “Tell ya, I ain’t playin’ no surf music. I’m gonna play some HEAVY music! I’m gonna play bad! I’m gonna play LOUD! I know just what I want it to sound like… It’s gonna sound like.. It’s gonna sound like….THIS!!!!!!!” (Enter loud, obnoxious guitar solo). (CE)

ME 262 – A pure, fun rock n’ roll song about the bomb. Could pass for a KISS song. (ST, ON)

Mirrors – A good example of the change in BOC’s style around this time. Less focus on mmmmetal guitar solos, and more focus on better structured songs and stronger production. This is a great song, with tons of different instruments in the background. A very strong, full-sounding song. (MR)

Mistress Of The Salmon Salt (Quicklime Girl) – Disappointing closing song at the end of the great Tyranny & Mutation record. Great drumming though. (TM)

Monsters – A weird one, but a goodie. Its rockin’ riffs are abruptly interrupted by super-jazzy bursts, complete with horn riffs, swingin’ drums, and walking basslines. A very fun song. (CE)

Moon Crazy – First a Sun Jester, now a Moon? The Mirrors album does have a loose sky theme. Then again, all of their albums have sky or night songs (Stairway to the Stars, Workshop of the Telescopes, Astronomy, Death Valley Nights, I Love the Night, After Dark, Feel the Thunder to name a few). Hmm. Anyway, this song is pretty weak and structurally inconsistent. A snoozer for the first few minutes that ends with an interesting country shuffle. (MR)

Morning Final – Keys-heavy tune about a junkie. Pretty spooky and weird. (AOF)

Nosferatu – Snoozer ending the great Spectres album. (SP)

O.D.’d On Life Itself – The background of this song is great – the background keys and vocals makes this one cool-ass song. Cool lyrics. Eric Bloom sounds like Joey Ramone a little here. (TM)

Perfect Water – Crap. Co-written by Basketball Diaries fuck-up Jim Carroll. (CN)

The Red & The Black – Fast-paced, metal-boppy (with even a bit of a gospel feel) BOC classic about the Canadian Mounties that opens “The Black” side (the rockin’ side) on their second album, the incredible Tyranny and Mutation. “It’s all right! It’s all right!” Very fun song. Great to hear in concert, and I once even saw Mike Watt cover it live! (TM, ON, XL)
Redeemed – The first album closes with this boppy, pretty song that ends with a wall of sound. Reminds me of early Rush. (BOC)

The Revenge Of Vera Gemini – Some chick starts off the song reciting some weird stuff. Then she sings background. I wonder if it’s Patti Smith. She’s always hanging around BOC for some reason or another. Hmm. (AOF)
Roadhouse Blues – Great live jam of the classic Doors song, featuring Robbie Krieger. If anyone can do a Doors cover perfect, it’s BOC. (XL)

R.U. Ready To Rock – This song… can you guess it?… ROCKS! Not as rockin’ as AC/DC’s “Are You Ready (To Rock)?” but still great, and even better live! (SP, SEE)

Searchin’ For Celine – Funky-rock! Probably the only BOC song you can dance to. Celine is a chick they’re searchin’ for, not the French author of Journey to the End of the Night, a great great book. This song is really cool. (SP)

Screams – Vox-distorted trippy song. Dumb spooky lyrics. Goes right into She’s As Beautiful As a Foot. (BOC)

7 Screaming Diz-Busters – A swingy, rockin’ song that beings with highlighting Eric Bloom’s great voice, and then takes a bluesy-metal turn with a dual-guitar onslaught that melts your fucking brain!!! Then calms down at the end and gets swingy n’ cool. (TM, ON)

Shadow Of California – Synth-city. Drums that sound like Hot Stix. Sadly, this is probably the best song on RN. (RN)

Shadow Warrior – Deet deet deet. More of the same 80s BOC pop sound, this one co-written by author Eric Van Lustbader. Lalala, I’m bored. (CN)

She’s As Beautiful As A Foot – The second part of “Screams.” Spooky belly-dancing music. (BOC)

Shooting Shark – Co-written by Patti Smith and produced by Bruce Fairbairn of Loverboy and Bon Jovi fame. VERY 80′s pop. It’s even got a Kenny G-esque sax solo. Blech. (RN)

The Siege And Investiture Of Baron Von Frankenstein’s Castle At Weisseria – Say what? Well, it rocks that’s for sure! (IM)

Sinful Love – Mediocre song with a cheesy chorus. (AOF)

Sole Survivor – Powerful song about the last man on Earth. Kick-ass bassline, heavy keys, great vox. (FU)

Spy In The House Of The Night – 80s pop. Cheesy. (CN)

Stairway To The Stars – This is one of their biggest songs, but it can only be appreciated live. It lacks energy in its original recorded version. (BOC)

Subhuman – Cool riff, but lackluster overall. The guitar solo is a bit overextended. Snooze. (ST,ON)

Take Me Away – Okay song on the lackluster Rev

How Dreamcatchers Scared Away My Nightmares

• Articles

I’ve had some very scary nightmares and weird dreams happen to me. I had some dreams where some stuff actually came true; I had dreams where I felt I had dreamt it before. So what are dreams trying to tell us? Beats the hell out of me.

My nightmares were so life-like, after I woke up from them, I had to turn the TV on and couldn’t get back to sleep. I had this one dream where I tried to be the hero in a campus store robbery situation. I was in the store and I tried to shoot the robber, but instead I shot a hostage by accident. Then I just ran. That felt so realistic. What does it mean? I don’t know.

I also had nightmares about running as fast as I could from killers, and being trapped in a building with zombies or vampires. But I had dreams where I met famous people or just weird shit I can’t even explain.

Why do we dream? Well, we got to do something while we sleep. I think our mind takes in what we experienced during that day or the last thing we see, do, or hear before we go to sleep. Or they might give us a foreseeable future to tell us something. Most dreams don’t mean a thing or make any sense to us. I always don’t remember a lot of them. People find it fun to wake up and immediately write down the dream. I think that can get annoying after awhile.

So I was into Native American culture at the time of my nightmares, and I heard they used something called a dreamcatcher. Dreamcatchers were made so that Native American children can sleep at night. The parents would put them over the children’s beds so they had a pleasant night. I found some helpful info at this site “Bearded Wolf: Dreamcatchers” located at http://users.erols.com/brddwolf/dreamcatcher.html. The site describes how to make a dreamcatcher, and explains the legend behind it.

The website said:

Long ago when the world was young, an old man sat on a high mountain and had a vision. In his vision, Iktomi, the great trickster and teacher of wisdom, appeared in the form of a spider. Iktomi spoke to him in a sacred language that only the old man could understand.

As he spoke, Iktomi the spider took the elder’s willow hoop which had feathers, horse hairs, beads and offerings on it and began to spin a web. He spoke to the elder about the cycles of life… how we begin our lives as infants and we move on to childhood, and then to adulthood. Finally, we go to old age where we must be taken care of as infants, completing the cycle.

Iktomi said, “In each time of life there are many forces and different directions that can help or interfere with the harmony of nature, and also with the Great Spirit and all of his wonderful teachings.” Iktomi gave the web to the Lakota elder and said, “See, the web is a perfect circle but there is a hole in the center of the circle. If you believe in the Great Spirit, the web will catch your good dreams and ideas – - and the bad ones will go through the hole. Use the web to help yourself and your people to reach your goals and make good use of your people’s ideas, dreams and visions.”

The elder passed on his vision to his people and even today, many of us use the dreamcatcher as the web of our life. It is hung above our beds or in the home to sift dreams and visions. The good of our dreams are captured in the web of life and carried with them…but any bad dreams escape through the center hole.

I found this to be very interesting, and surprisingly, it had worked for me. You can go out and buy a dreamcatcher, but I wanted to be a Native American and make it myself. I used Weeping Willow branches from my yard, because they are really easy to bend to make a circle. Then I got yarn to make the webbing. (I didn’t make it too complicated like the picture shows.) Then I got a hawk feather from my older brother’s hawk (he was a falconer at the time) and hung the feather off the dreamcatcher. I added little things onto them like beads and other Native American stuff I had. I hung them on the ceiling in my room and didn’t have a bad dream for years. People made fun of me for having these ugly things hanging on my ceiling, but hey- I didn’t have a bad dream for five years, so there!

Over the years, my dreamcatchers became old and dusty so I took them down from my ceiling because I was having bad allergic attacks. If you buy a dreamcatcher at a store, they come in all shapes and sizes and will probably be a lot more beautiful than the piece of garbage you make. Regardless, I think if people believe that these things can work, then store-bought or home-made, they will.

From issue #18

Bryan’s Year In Review 2004

• Articles

Best CDs:
Flogging Molly- “Within a Mile of Home”
Great Big Sea- “Something Beautiful”
Mad Caddies- “Live from Toronto: Songs in he Key of Eh”
Me First and The Gimme Gimmes- “Ruins Johny’s Bar Mitzvah”
Pistol Grip- “Tear it All Down”
Rise Against- “Siren Song of the Counter Culture”
Team America: World Police soundtrack
Tiger Army- “Ghost Tigers Rise”

Best Song To listen to while jumping off a building:
Avril Lavigne “Fall to Pieces”

Best Song to play while having sex:
William Hung’s “She Bangs”

Best CD to take on your vacation in Iran:
“How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb,”U2

Best CD title that fits George W Bush:
“American Idiot”

Best Country Album:
Charlie McHickster- “Fucked My Sister and Then Her Dog”

Best Christian Goth Album Title:
“Jesus, I’m Depressed”

Best TV Shows:
I still think 24 is the best series on TV right now. Each episode is filled with intense, action packed scenes, and Jack Bauer is such a bad ass! Plus Elisha Cuthbert is smoking hot!

Runner-Ups:
- Ghosthunters
- Arrested Development
- Las Vegas
- Coupling (UK)

Shows I’d Probably Like But Haven’t watched Yet:
- Lost
- Rescue Me
- Deadwood

Best Movies: Comedies:
- Euro Trip (I think I watched this flick 8 times already)
- Anchorman (The epic battle scene is worth price of admission alone!)
- Team America (funny music and the puppet sex scene was priceless)
- Passion of the Christ

Best Movies: Other films:
- The Incredibles (Excellent CGI animation, good plot and likeable characters)
- Bourne Supremacy (Cool action scenes, smart plot, good performances from the actors)
- Kill Bill Vol. 2 (I liked this better than the first film. Just everything about it)
- Shrek 2 (Just as funny as the first film. Puss in Boots rocks!)
- Harry Potter and the Prisoner of the Azkaban. (Darker, better CGI, but more importantly: an older Herimone)

Best Toy:
The Liberator

A Toy that Looks like a Penis:
Aquapets: Blotto

Best Video Game of 2004:
Tony Hawk Underground 2 was fun to play. So was Call of Duty: Finest Hour.

Best Death:
No, not a real one, but seeing Jean-Claude Van Damme getting killed on Las Vegas was pretty fucking funny.

Best Sex Tape:
There were so many sex tapes but I think Paris Hilton’s wins. She’s been a very naughty naughty girl. Jenna Lewis’ sex tape is in 2nd place because of her slutty potty mouth.

Best Saying of 2004:
“Don’t forget Poland.”

Best Book:
Encyclopedia Britannica: G: This book rocked!! I especially love the first chapter because of the main character’s love affair with Geena. It tends to drag in the middle though, but the ending sure makes up for it! Books are stupid.

Best website:
Bestiality.com is such a great website! Awesome layout & design, fun and exciting content for the whole family to enjoy. I can spend hours and hours on there and you should too!

Best DVDs:
Lord of the Rings: Return of the King Extended Edition DVD is clearly the best DVD that I watched this year. It took forever for it to get released but it was worth the wait. The extra footage was cool to see, and the extras are so in-depth.

Runner-Ups:
Anchorman
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Master and Commander: Far Side of the World
Seinfeld Seasons 1-3
Stars Wars Trilogy
The Simpsons- The Complete Fourth Season
The Simpsons- The Complete Fifth Season

Celebrities I’d Love To Screw:
- Female cast of Firefly
- Rachel Perry
- Leeann Tweeden
- Nikki Cox
- Kirsten Dunst

Worst word of 2004:
“Flip-flop.” The next person that says, “flip-flop”in front of me, I’m gonna flip-flop my cock in their face!

Worst word of 2004 Part II:
“Rock opera.”Stop using the term music critics; you’re not hip…And it’s Green Day, they aren’t the fucking Beatles okay!

Worst CDs:
Anything that is considered: emo, indie rock, nu-metal, post-hardcore, post-punk, post-post, screamo, garage, hillbilly rock and anything else I had to review this year.

Worst Album But the Album everyone thinks is brilliant: William Shatner- “Has been.”Someone talking isn’t singing okay. Go back to making mediocre TV shows Bill.

Worst Sport:
Hockey…you greedy assholes! START PLAYING ALREADY!

Worst Techno Album Title:
“Bleeps and Boops”

Worst Movie:
Van Helsing. What a piece of shit. If I wanted to watch crappy-looking monsters, I’d turn on Oprah.

Worst Video Game:
Call of Duty: Attack of the Canucks

Worst Food I Had This Year:
Dunkin Donuts bagel with butter. I ended up shitting 20 pounds out of my body for 3 hours at work.

Worst State:
Texas. Thanks to Houston rain, my flight out of Vegas was delayed for over 3 hours. Screw you Texas!

Second Worst State:
New Jersey. You people don’t know how to fucking drive!

Celebrities that need a giant safe to fall on top of them:
- Ashton Kutcher- if you started the trucker hat trend, then eat SAFE bastard!
- Star Jones- My toilet probably smells nicer than you.
- Rosie O’ Donnell- You’re loud, you’re ugly Just like a garbage truck. Sorry, didn’t mean to insult the garbage truck.
- Enimem- Yo Yo G, why don’t you end up like Tupac and Biggie already.
- Courtney Love- Even hardcore heroin addicts know you are a fuck up.
- Bill O’Reilly- Why don’t you start growing a Hitler mustache, I think it’s more fitting.
- Oprah – For giving away all those fucking cars and not inviting me to that show. She probably owns the safe anyway.
- Paris Hilton: As long as she videotapes the death.
- Donald Trump: Anyone who’s known as “The Donald”should die a horrible death. His hair will probably survive though.
- Howard Stern: Either way, you’ll still look like an old lady.