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| Hate Mail Follow-Ups By: Adam |
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The following are a few of the letters I received in response to my fake review of X-Men 2. Read the original review here.
Addendum: Just before I went to post this, I received an email from Twentieth Century Fox! WHOA! Check it out!
From: Max Kleinman
Subject: Adamo's X-men 2 review...
Dear Editor,
Just stumbled upon your X-Men 2 review and I'm a little confused... I'm not familiar with ReadMag.com so I'm not sure... Is this a joke? Are you intentionally getting everything wrong? If so, it's kind of funny...ala Jackie Harvey in The Onion. If not this is one of the most frighteningly inept reviews I've seen in a long time. Here're a few corrections:
1. The President is not played by Pierce Brosnan. it's Cotter Smith - a man who bears no resemblance to Pierce Brosnan.
2. The renegade military man is Colonel Stryker, not Stryder
3. Magneto's sidekick is not Mystyke, it's Mystique
4. Nightcrawler does not travel through dimensions, he travels across distance via teleportation.
5. Nightcrawler was not French in the movie. He was German. He spoke in German, had a German accent. Just like in the comic book.
6. Famke Janssen plays Jean Grey, not Gray
7. Jean Grey was never going to turn into Firestar. She was going to turn into Phoenix. Which she will in the following movie.
8. Kelly Hu's (not "Lucy Lu with boob implants") character was an original character, never meant to be Sabertooth.
9. Aaron Stanford played Pyro, not Pyro Man.
10. The Game Room was not turned into "this really cheesy observatory-type room." Cerebro was a separate, ongoing element of the comic book which was expanded for the movie.
11. Charles Xavier is a Professor, not a Doctor.
12. Wolverine is played by Hugh Jackman, not Hugh Jackson.
Nobody's asking you to like the movie but, my God, this is the sloppiest writing I've seen in a long time. If you get your facts right people are more inclined to trust your opinion. But perhaps you don't care.
Best,
Max Kleinman
Asst. Vice President of Marketing
Twentieth Century Fox
Filmed Entertainment
Adam's reply: The live-action Dragonball Z better not suck.
From: antarius@#####.com
Subject: "X-Men 2 is stupid" article
G'day,
I just read the "X-Men 2 is X-STUPID!" by Adam el Guapo on your site, after watching this pitiful movie at the theatre. I do agree that X-Men 2 is a complete load of crap, however the aforementioned article is so vastly full of errors that it needs immediate retraction.
I was so shocked and incredulous at the ignorance displayed by the author of this article that I had to immediately put electrons to email and respond to some of the *immediately* glaring errors (ie, the ones that are so wrong that they make George W look like an evolved life form.)
SNAFU #1:
"It begins with Wolverine inexplicably hanging out in Alaska or something, and for no reason as he's suddenly back at X-Men Mansion."
Wrong. He was hanging out at Alkaline Lake with the secret base under the dam. He was given info about it during the *first* movie, and went there to find out the secrets of his past. It wasn't Alaska, and it was actually one of the only decent bits of continuity in the movie!
Of course, that's not where it starts anyway, but why let facts creep into the article? It starts with the "attack on the Whitehouse" by the Stryker-controlled Nightcrawler, in what is obviously a scene that so blatantly resembles the opening scenes from the (original) Matrix, that I thought I had walked into the wrong theatre.
SNAFU #2:
"The thin plot soon reveals that mutants will soon be attacking the President (Pierce Brosnan)"
Pierce Brosnan?! Bwahahahahaha! Surely you mean Cotter Smith?! Pierce Brosnan would be too big-budget!
And mutants will soon be attacking?! Are you on crack?! The attack, orchestrated by Stryker, was the opening scene!
SNAFU #3:
"[Mangeto] escapes from his plastic prison by moving around these bullets that he steals from a guard. (Dude, why did the guard have bullets to begin with? He didn't have anything to shoot them with...). "
Ye Ghods! Was Adam having a toss over Mystique instead of watching the movie?
Mystique injects liquified iron into the guard. This is detected (by the futuristic metal detectors) as being just normal heme-iron, so he is passed on through.
Magneto, detecting the presence of metal, then pulls the iron from his body (killing him in the process) and uses them as projectiles and transport. The lines "There's something different about you..." "You have too much iron in your blood." should have been a dead giveaway.
SNAFU #4: (And I haven't even got past the synopsis paragraphs yet!)
"Nightcrawler is probably my favorite character and almost redeemed the film, but they screwed up and made him French. (It was GAMBIT who was French, idiots!)."
Bwahahaha! Since when are "Gutentag" or "Bitte schön" French words? Nightcrawler was German, and spoke German in the movie - an apology might be needed for the film-makers here...)
SNAFU #5 through 7
"Jean Gray cheating on Cyclops with Wolverine" ... "Ice Man trying to figure out how to pump Rogue with an icicle without killing her" ... "Pyro Man figuring out how to tell his parents he's a mutant"
Stop it, you're killing me!
Jean Gray did *not* cheat on Cyclops. She bluntly refuses Wolverine's advances.
Iceman (one word) tries to work out how to get close to (touch or otherwise) Rogue without being completely zapped by her.
Pyro (Not Pyro Man), did nothing of the sort. It was Iceman's parents that Iceman was talking to.
SNAFU's 8 through 12
After a pathetic attack at the screenwriters (who aren't perfect - the movie still sucked better than a Hoover!), Adam goes on to write:
"1) Sabertooth. I'm sorry, but I don't remember Sabertooth being a hot, busty Asian chick. In the movie, they have Wolvy's arch-nemesis be Lucy Lui with boob implants. What, they couldn't afford to put Vin Diesel in a fur coat?"
*Chuckle* It wasn't Sabertooth. Sabertooth, who appeared fairly realistically in the first movie, did not make an appearance in the second. The "Asian Chick," who was another Adamantite-enhanced mutant in the same vein as Wolverine, was called "Yuriko Oyama" and played by Kelly Hu.
"4) Nightcrawler. Like I said, he's not French in the comics, and he doesn't have all those weird tattoos on him. I also don't remember him being all religious (though it has been awhile since I read the comics). Wasn't it Archangel who's religious? I mean, it's not a big deal, but I'm sure it irritated many hardcore X-Man fans like myself."
He was German, and he had a German accent. Did he even *study* Geography or foreign languages?
As for being a hardcore X-Man, I don't think he can justify that title. I know *I* can't - I never read the comics - but the stuffups in this article are obvious to Blind Freddy!
"Pyro Man. Now, I also remember that Pyro Man has to be totally flame in order to use his flame powers, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized -- PYRO MAN WASN'T EVEN IN THE X-MEN! He's from the Fantastic Four! WHAT THE FUCK! That is SO LAME. To make matters worse, they hint at the end that he's evil. Stan Lee, creator of the Fantastic Four, is rolling in his grave."
Ranting like a fool only gives more testament to the lack of integrity of the author. The character was Pyro and not the character from Fantastic Four. C'mon.
And if he *is* rolling in his grave, who could blame him? He's not dead yet!
"7) Game Room. They turned the Game Room into this really cheesy observatory-type room where Dr. X puts on a helmet and can contact other mutants. Again, this is a fabricated thing by the director, used solely to move the film along. Weak, man."
I'm glad this is getting to the end of the article, because my level of incredulidity is hitting dangerous proportions!
It was *not* the Game Room. It was Cerebro, the computer Xavier (who is a Professor, btw, and not a Doctor) uses to find mutants. As such, it was quite in its place, Twonk.
"8) Toad. Everyone's favorite villain from the first movie doesn't even make a cameo here. It's as if he never even existed. BAD continuity in storytelling."
The Toad displayed in the first movie was pathetically portrayed, so he wasn't "everyone's favourite" in the movie scene. :(
And the reason he didn't make another appearance was because he got toasted badly in the first movie. No real way to come back from that.
"There are other sloppy mistakes, but I don't want to sound like too much of a comic dork. But I wanted to get across that this movie was not only boring and confusing, but factually incorrect."
Adam, you don't look like a comic dork here. Just a plain old, garden variety dork. Your level of incompetence in writing this article is second only to... Well, I can't think of anything *more* incompetent right now, but perhaps the next few decades of humanity might produce something that will qualify as worse.
But I doubt it.
As to wanting to get across that the movie was factually incorrect, well, that's not exactly something that anyone can take from you, Adam, I'm afraid. Since all but a smattering of points in his article are fundamentally flawed at best, horribly ignorant, laughable tripe at worst, it would seem that perhaps he was watching a different movie or reading someone else's cliff notes.
This really is a very, very poor article and deserves either public condemnation (such as missives like mine being displayed along with it) or permanent retraction.
This is the first encounter that I have had with readmag.com, and I must say, I'm less than impressed. Personally, if I was the editor that approved the contribution, I would be grossly embarassed. If I was Adam, I'd be seriously looking into changing medications. Quickly.
I look forward to seeing a corrected article.
Regards,
Antarius
Adam's reply: Wow, imagine if he LIKED the movie? His email would've been longer than his own dorkiness. Gads!
From: Chris Gorman
Subject : Factual errors
Hello
I enjoy reading the online edition of your zine, though I was somewhat disappointed in the X-Men review. Of course, it may have been that I am simply too stupid to follow the tongue-in-cheek manner in which it was written, but there was a good deal of mis-information in Mr. el Guapo's review.
A) They do not make Nightcrawler French...they make him German. Which he is in the comic. I mean, his name is Kurt Wagner for Christ's sake. He doesn't have a French accent in the film at all. However, I concede that perhaps Adamo was kidding. If so, I apologize.
B) Wolverine's journey to Alkali Lake isn't "inexplicable." They set it up in the end of the last film that he was headed there, but that the was going to "keep in touch" with Xavier and co., so that he could learn more about his past. How could el Guapo not know this?
C) It's Pyro not "Pyro-Man," and he was originally evil in the comic.
D) When Jean Gray dies at the end, she is on the verge of becoming Phoenix. As a matter of fact, in that last flying shot over the water, you can see the outline of the Phoenix under the water.
E) Nightcrawler is a priest...thus the religion stuff with his character.
Adam's reply: You seem nice. No disrespectin.
From: Eric Fairchild
Subject: your x-men review
it's as if you didn't even pay attenion to the movie:
- Nightcrawler was SO German in the movie - not French! How could you miss both the accent and the slew of German he spoke!
- Magneto didn't steal bullets from the security guard - the guard was injected with iron by Mystyke in order to get it through the metal
detectors - Magneto yanked it out of him, killing him. Did you miss the scene in the bathroom?
However, I have to agree with you when you say Mystyke was hot...
ericf
Adam's reply: She's definitely on my top-five list of hot blue chicks, just behind Smurfette and Laci Peterson.
From: Jeff Sullivan
Subject: You are a dumbass
Please tell me your review of X-men 2 was a complete joke...because if it isn't, YOU are...let's start from the beginning:
1. Pierce Brosnan does not play the President...did you even watch the movie, or have you ever seen Pierce Brosnan in one, because there was no mistaking the two...the guy's name is Cotter Smith
2. Dr. Xavier has no abilities to stop time
3. Mag 'neat-o' doesn't escape with bullets, they are pieces of iron that he draws out of his blood that has been laced by iron tablets that Mystique put in the guard' coffee in an earlier scene...
4. NightCrawler is not French in the movie, stupid, he's German, thus the name Kurt Wagner (not exactly a French name moron)
5. Sabretooth is not even in the movie...the ASsian chick is Lady
Deathstrike...and she is one of Wolverine's arch rivals...check it out:
http://wolverine.x-knights.com/deathstrike.html
6. Jean Grey doesn't b ecome any stupid character named Firestar, she becomes possessed/cloned by the Phoenix Force entity
7. You are right, Pyro (not Pyro-man, what the fuck is that?) was not a member of the X-men..but he was in the comic books in the X-men series as a bad guy...check it out...http://www.canoe.ca/JamMoviesXMen/xmen_pyro.html
For someone who claims to be an X-men entusiast, you don't know SQUAT about the X-men...Nice try, dumbass....
Adam's reply: You can call me a dumbass, you can call me a moron, but don't you DARE call me an entusiast. I don't know what an entusiast is (on account of me being a moron), but it certainly sounds bad. By the way, it's Prof. Xavier, not Dr. Xavier. Who's the entusiast now??
From: Jedi1Mastr@####.com
Subject:
Wow, you really messed up your article on X-2. Nightcrawler wasn't French, he was German. That was definitely a German accent, which is correct. It wasn't Pyro who was telling his parents he's a mutant, it was Ice Man. The Asian chick wasn't Sabretooth, he appeared in the first movie. She was just some random mutant who could also heal quickly (a power Sabretooth never had and never will). Jean Grey turns into Firestar BY DYING and being resurrected by Phoenix. Nightcrawler did have the tattoos and was rather religious as well. Ice Man's still young, he hasn't learned (presumably) that he can create his ice slide. There WAS a Pyro in X-Men, you're thinking of the Human Torch. The Game Room? As in Cerebro? That definitely existed. I suggest actually watching the movie before writing your review on it.
Adam's reply: Actually, she wasn't a random mutant but Lady Deathstrike, per Jim Sullivan. And Jean Grey never turns into Firestar - Firestar was one of Spider-Man's Amazing Friends. Not to argue with a Jedi Master, sir. Please sheath your lightsaver.
From: "Alessandro"
Subject: About your BAD review on Xmen2
Wow... you know what?
You screwd up everything in your review.
There are lots of errors about what you say that happened in the movie...
If you plan to criticize a movie, then be careful on what you write.
Alessandro - Italy
Adam's reply: You know what was bad? Mussolini. |
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| people are dumb |
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