Portland is many things to many people. To some, it is a city. To others, it is a place where you can live out your dreams and still eke out an existence. And to even others, it is an interstellar landing strip for moon kiwis. But that latter group are typically psychopaths.

To me, Portland is home to The Anxieties, a fun, dorkalicious punk band that knows what’s what. Scott Von Rocket, guitarist and occasional singer, read me poetry and waxed philosophical.

Describe your band using a haiku. If the haiku does not follow the correct syllable rule or move me in a meaningful way, this interview is over.
Three chords, spazz, and snot
Let’s watch a B-movie or two
Sing our neuroses

Well done. So you guys sound like Boris the Sprinkler playing a rambunctious game of Jenga with Richard Hell. Now say something nice about me.
The fact that you would take time out of your busy schedule of worshipping Canadian progressive rock power-trio Rush to come up with questions to ask a three-chord punk band from Portland that no one has ever heard of is quite charitable.

Would you rather go a month without coffee or alcohol?
I’ve done both voluntarily. Actually, I gave up alcohol for almost a year and it was really pretty easy. Last year I was drinking a whole pot of black coffee first thing in the morning every day and I switched to just having a cup or two of tea instead for a while. Now I’m back to a couple cups of coffee with 1/2 & 1/2 and Splenda. I’ll say I’d rather give up the alcohol for sure.

If your band starred in a slasher movie, who would die first? And who, in a surprise twist ending, would be the killer?
Chris would get killed first. Nothing personal, but he’s the drummer and the newest member so that’s two strikes against him right there. The surprise twist would be that although Matt (bass player) was doing the killing he was somehow being manipulated into doing it by me. Probably through some kind of mad scientist stuff: radiation, telepathy machine, neon green solution in a syringe…something like that…

What was the worst gig you’ve ever played?
I’m going to say the first time we played back in Eugene after our move to Portland. It may not have been the worst we ever actually played, but the guys who used to be in the Eugene line-up were there and we wanted our first show in front of them to be really good. It wasn’t great and that was pretty disappointing.

Itemize the contents of your wallet. Be thorough and honest.
I don’t carry a wallet. My back left pocket contains my driver’s license, credit cards, and the all-important AAA card. If you knew the kind of luck I have with vehicles you would never go anywhere without an AAA card…

Describe a situation in which a girl is the cause of your band’s demise.
See the aforementioned slasher movie scenario, but instead of me, the mastermind controlling us is an evil Eastern European Baroness who has managed to keep herself young by bathing in the blood of virgins a la Elizabeth Bathory.

What are you most anxious about?
At the moment? Trying to come up with answers to these questions that are witty and fun, but don’t seem forced.

If punk rock was a salad, which vegetable would The Anxieties be?
Bacon bits.

What is The Anxieties philosophy of life?
Just listen to the old Pork Chop Express and take his advice on a dark and stormy night. When some wild-eyed 8-foot tall maniac grabs you by the neck, taps the back of your favorite head up against the barroom wall, looks you crooked in the eye and asks you if you’ve paid your dues…you look that big sucker right back in the eye and you remember what ol’ Jack Burton always says at a time like this…”Have you paid your dues, Jack?”…”Yes sir, check is in the mail”.

Visit The Anxieties at here and here.