|
| March 2008 Releases |
|
|
10,000 B.C:
Is this the epic prequel to the Geico Caveman sitcom? |
| |
21:
The 24 prequel about Jack Bauer’s days as a high-stakes Vegas gambler? I’m in! |
| |
The Bank Job:
Jason Statham works as a bank teller? Wow! He doesn’t turn a movie role down does he? |
| |
College Road Trip:
Raven goes on a road trip with her overprotective Father. Hopefully this ends with the car flying off a cliff. |
| |
Doomsday:
There are big breasted women in this, I’m there! |
| |
Funny Games U.S:
A vacationing family in the woods gets taken hostage by 2 men. I wonder if Ned Betty gets down to his underwear and gets butt raped? |
| |
Horton Hears a Who!:
Horton should take a note from the guy from PI and drill his head in. |
| |
Meet the Browns:
Who the hell is Tyler Perry and why does he keep making the same movies and dressing up like old ladies? |
| |
Run Fatboy, Run:
Watching fat people run is funny. |
| |
Stop Loss:
A soldier refuses to go back to Iraq. He’s shot in the head by the Army. The end. |
| |
Superhero!:
Yeah, just what the world needs, another spoof movie. |
| |
|
| February 2008 Releases |
|
|
Be Kind Rewind:
Why not just sell DVDs and then we wouldn’t have to see this piece of crap |
| |
Diary of the Dead:
Dear diary, Argggg brains Arrggh.. |
| |
The Eye:
Spoiler Alert! The eye has a sty. |
| |
Fool’s Gold:
Fool’s Gold stars Matthew Mcconaughey and Kate Hudson. This should have been called How to Lose an Audience in 10 Minutes. |
| |
In Bruges:
I can’t see a movie I can’t pronounce. |
| |
Jumper:
Let’s hope Hayden Christensen jumps into some lava again. |
| |
The Other Boleyn Girl:
Natalie Portman and Scarlet Johansson fight over the love of a King. God I wish this was a porn. |
| |
Penelope:
Christina Ricci plays a character with a pig nose. I wonder if she has a curly tail too? |
| |
Semi-Pro:
Let me guess, there’s a scene with Will Ferrell running around screaming in his tightie-whities? |
| |
The Spiderwick Chronicles:
I tried to use a spider as a candle wick once. It didn’t work. Movies lie!! |
| |
Step Up 2 the Streets:
...and get squashed by a street sweeper? |
| |
Strange Wilderness:
Justin Long and Joe Don Baker together at last. *head explodes* |
| |
Vantage Point:
All I know is that the butler did it in the study with a wrench. |
| |
|
| December 2007 Releases |
|
|
Alvin and the Chipmunks:
Ugh, I hate that high-pitched, nasal, shrill sound... But enough about Jason Lee. |
| |
Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem:
I'm sure this will be better than the first one. But I guess that's like saying Mussolini was better than Hitler. |
| |
Atonement:
A stupid teenager tells a lie and changes a guy’s life forever. The guy hires a hitman to go after the teenage girl. Well no, that doesn’t happen but that’s what I would have done… |
| |
Charlie Wilson's War:
What hair style will Tom Hanks have in this movie? Pompadour? Comb over? Jew-fro? |
| |
The Golden Compass:
"Cause I got a Golden Compass, I’ve got a golden chance to make my way; this Golden Compass song is very gay." |
| |
I am Legend:
Does the Fresh Prince battle zombies or vampires? Either way, I’m sure they act better than he does. |
| |
National Treasure: Book of Secrets:
Nic Cage needs to be buried alive in Grant's Tomb. |
| |
P.S., I Love You:
Hillary Swank reads love letters from her dead husband. She later finds out they were meant for his gay lover Enrico. |
| |
Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street:
I thought Edward Scissorhands: The Musical was a more fitting title. |
| |
Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story:
John C. Reilly plays a famous fictitious musician. Let me guess, Will Ferrell has a cameo in this… |
| |
The Water Horse: Legend of the Deep::
A young boy witnesses a mysterious egg hatch and it turns out to be a legendary Scottish creature. The creature then eats the boy. The end. |
| |
|
| November 2007 Releases |
|
|
Beowulf:
Is it wrong of me that I want to whack off to a cartoon version of Angelina Jolie? |
| |
The Deaths of Ian Stone:
Great, why don’t you just spoil EVERYTHING for me! |
| |
Fred Claus:
Like all career declines, it begins with a Santa movie. It's over for Vince Vaughn. And in three years, it'll be Ben Stiller. This is why Owen Wilson tried killing himself. This is what he tried to stop. |
| |
Hitman:
A movie that didn't need to be made and the only country that would let them shoot it... you guessed it. Bulgaria. Wow, what a depressing country. |
| |
I'm Not There:
I hope this Bob Dylan movie comes with subtitles. |
| |
Lions for Lambs:
When is Tom Cruise going to go the way of The Piscopo and disappear already? |
| |
Love in the Time of Cholera:
Diarrhea Love, now that’s a title! |
| |
Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium:
I miss the days when Natalie Portman danced in her underwear in front of Clive Owen. |
| |
The Mist:
Oh no! Global warming is going to get us all! |
| |
No Country for Old Men:
The country must not have any shuffleboard? |
| |
Om Shanti Om:
If there is a singing & dancing number on top of a moving train, I’m soooo there! |
| |
|
| July 2007 Releases |
|
|
1408:
John Cusack in his scariest movie since Must Love Dogs. |
| |
Evening:
I think this is a 2-hour public service announcement for breast cancer screening. |
| |
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix:
I’ll save you 3 hours. Harry Potter does a lot of homework and battles a Dark Arts teacher. You know, like in every movie. Oh, and he dies at the end of Book 7. (Spoiler alert) |
| |
License to Wed:
I think I laughed more during Schindler’s List. |
| |
Live Free or Die Hard:
John McClane gets his first colonoscopy. |
| |
A Mighty Heart:
Angelina Jolie plays a hot foreign chick who does something or other with other people in some place. I dunno, point is, she plays a hot foreign chick. |
| |
Once:
An Irish musical, but it’s not Billy Elliot, so who cares. “Papa, I want to dance the ballet!” Man, that movie was great. (wipes tear) |
| |
Rescue Dawn:
Vietnam prisoners escape their captors. Like I give a shit. |
| |
Sicko:
I wouldn’t see this for all the money in our Medicare system. Which is about 60 cents or so. |
| |
Transformers:
This movie transformed my penis from 2” to 6”. And also into a cassette player. |
| |
|
|
 |
