The Last Samurai:
Tom Cruise as a samuri? That's like saying George W Bush isn't a dumbass |
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The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen:
A bunch of literary figures join forces to stop a crazy person from conquering world domination. Who, Oprah? |
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The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou:
WARNING: movie may cause drowsiness & extreme boredom. |
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The Lizzie McGuire Movie:
Lizzie goes to Italy and gets some Italian la salsiccia up the butt. |
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The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King:
The finale of the most epic WALKING trilogy ever! |
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The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers:
The continuing homo-erotic adventures of Frodo and Sam. "I love you Sam," "I love you Frodo." Let's go run naked in the fields with Gollum |
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The Majestic:
Sounds like a woman wrestler. |
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The Master of Disguise: Dana Carvey disguises the fact that his career is over.:
Adam |
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The Matrix: Reloaded:
Neo gets arrested for downloading kiddie porn and Morpheus has to save him. |
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The Matrix: Revolutions:
Ten bucks says Neo kills himself in some Christ-martyr symbolism crap. I’d kill myself too if I was in this movie. |
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The Medallion:
Jackie Chan plays an asian immigration officer who gets killed and comes back with superpowers. So that's what SARS does! |
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The Messengers:
Don't want evil children? Stop fucking having them, you stupid fucking parents. No children would mean no evil children. Not to mention quieter airplanes. |
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The Mexican:
who's a jumping bean! |
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The Million Dollar Hotel:
The life of one person trying to afford one night at Walt Disney's many resort hotels. |
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The Mist:
Oh no! Global warming is going to get us all! |
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The Mothman Prophecies:
Richard Gere is in this, so you KNOW this is going to be great. Maybe Julia Roberts does a cameo as the mothman. |
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The Mummy Returns:
The Rock's in it and yes he can act but Wrasslin' is soooo real dude. |
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The Musketeer:
Instead of just swordfighting, now it's wire kung fu swordfighting..so it should be called the flying musketeer |
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The Nanny Diaries:
Scarlett Johansson in a nanny outfit? I'm there! |
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The Nativity Story:
God, Mary is hot. I wouldn't mind pumping a few Jesuses into her. (She's 17 - I can say that about her, right?) |
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The New Guy:
A geek gets expelled from high school and even gets sent to prison. He comes back and he's the cool kid. Man, I should have went to prison and did that. |
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The New World:
Is Aladdin gonna come flying into the movie on a magic carpet and start singing the theme song? |
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The Number 23:
Jim Carrey finds he is a character in a book. Hopefully it's The Joy of Gay Sex. |
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The One:
Obviously Jet Li is The One who makes the sames movies with the same moves..Just like Jackie Chan. |
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The Order:
The Catholic priests try and blame the molestings on ghosts. |
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The Other Boleyn Girl:
Natalie Portman and Scarlet Johansson fight over the love of a King. God I wish this was a porn. |
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The Passion of the Christ:
I didn't know Jesus made a snuff film? |
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The Perfect Man:
I think they are running out of ideas for movies when every one is about me. Seesshh! |
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The Perfect Score:
A bunch of kids steal the answers to the SATs and all get perfect scores. Come on, that's just wrong...you should answer a few wrong to make it not look suspicious. geez amateurs. |
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The Pianist:
Vicktor Borge finally gets a movie about himself. I hope they leave in the scene where his piano seat has seatbelts on it. |
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The Pledge:
I got detention in high school for not standing and saying this. |
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The Polar Express:
This express will be going straight to the 99 cent bid at Walmart. |
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The Prince and Me:
The compelling love story between Prince Charles and his love slave Miguel. |
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The Princess Diaries:
What the hell is with all these movies about diaries. geez |
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The Producers:
A musical based on a movie about the musical, that's now a movie again. Holy shit, where's the Tylenol? |
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The Punisher-:
This movie can be used to punish your enemies |
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The Pursuit of Happyness:
Will Smith tries his hand at PG family fare. A daring career move. |
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The Queen:
The dramatic and moving story of Freddie Mercury. No, Freddie. YOU are the champion, my friend. |
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The Queen of the Damned:
Man, if this doesn't sound like a porn flick, I don't know what does. |
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The Reaping:
God sends down a new plague... Hilary Swank. |
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The Recruit:
Al Pacino teaches Colin Farrell the ropes. "No, it's not Woo hoo, it's Woohaa" |
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The Ring:
When people watch a disturbing videotape they die. The tape is probably from my 6th grade graduation party. People are dying from laughing so hard from the way I bust a move to C&C Music Factory. |
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The Ringer:
Johnny Knoxville plays someone retarded. Yeah right, “plays.” |
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The Ringer:
Johnny Knoxville rigs the Special Olympics. Based on a true story of Johnny's life. |
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The Road to Perdition:
I don't see Tom Hanks as a hitman I see him as a funny bachelor, or a cast away, or forest gump, but not a hitman |
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The Rules of Attraction:
Here's a rule, don't like girls with adam apples. |
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The Rundown:
I hope The Rock and Stifler are RUNDOWN by a train. |
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The Santa Clause 2:
Santa is horny so he needs to get some milk and cookies from his elves. |
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The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause:
I love the idea of putting Tim Allen and Martin Short in the same movie. It's sort of like keeping Hitler and Bin Laden in the same jail cell - you can keep an eye on them, they won't be able to do other things of importance, and maybe they'll end up killing each other. |
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The School of Rock:
Yeah rock!! Something I want to hit Jack Black with. |
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The Score:
"What's the score?" Nothing, Nothing. Who's Winning, the Bears!" |
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The Scorpion King:
A spin-off from The Mummy Returns and hopefully The Rock won't get more than 3 minutes of acting time like he did for The Mummy Returns. If this does well, we all know who is to blame. Damn white trash wrestling fans. |
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The Shipping News:
This better not be about those filth rags like the New York Post and The Sun |
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The Sin Eater:
A religious mystery is happening and people are dying because of this. This is almost too easy. The 6th Day- "Go see my number 1 hit movie, Jingle All The Way!!!" TURBO MAN!!!! |
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The Spiderwick Chronicles:
I tried to use a spider as a candle wick once. It didn’t work. Movies lie!! |
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The Stepford Wives:
Husbands want sexual robotic versions of their wives. What's wrong with that? |
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The Talented Mr. Ripley:
Um.. Gwynneth? Anyone home? Didn't you realize that Matt Damon and Jude Law look nothing alike? What an insult to Jude Law. |
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The Texas Chainsaw Massacre:
This is a remake that shouldn't have been remade. The chick from 7th Heaven is in this, let's hope she get's the old meat hook up her ass gag...take THAT nice little preacher girl!! |
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The Time Machine:
*POOF* in theaters *POOF* out of theaters in a week |
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The Transporter:
Is this about the guy who transports all the port-e-potties from town to town? |
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The Transporter 2:
This movie will transport to the Discount theater in under a week! |
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The Truth About Charlie:
His teacher talks like this.."wah wah, woh woh wah wah" and his dog sleeps on the roof of it's doghouse. |
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The Tuxedo:
Why is it that I'm doing a snap judgment for, yet another Jackie Chan movie. Expect the same typical Chan crap like him singing, dancing, kicking, flying up a wall, and making awful jokes. |
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The Village:
M. Night directs this so I'm sure the premise is gonna be just a bunch of people wondering what's inside the woods killing their children, only to find out it's just bears. |
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The War Zone:
About a British family with a secret of incest. Oh please, how redundant. All British people are incestuous; why else do they all sound the same? |
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The Wash:
Something Bin Laden knows nothing about |
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The Watcher:
It's a movie about Adam who sits and watches the Mets all day long.. |
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The Water Horse: Legend of the Deep::
A young boy witnesses a mysterious egg hatch and it turns out to be a legendary Scottish creature. The creature then eats the boy. The end. |
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The Way Of The Gun:
The story of that loser Kurt Corbain. |
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The Wedding Planner:
he must be gay..not like there's anything wrong with that |
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The Wild:
This movie is pretty much Madagascar. Except people will probably LIKE this one. |
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The Wild Thornberrys Movie:
If I see one more trailer of this in the theater, please shoot me in the head. |
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Thirteen Days:
JFK 2: The Marlyn Monroe Years |
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Thunderbirds:
HOLY SHIT, I'M STILL SCARED OF THIS SHOW! |
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Tim Burton's Corpse Bride:
The Laci Peterson Story. - Adam |
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Timeline:
Add this to your timeline: November 26th-29th. That's how long this movie is going to be in theaters. |
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Tomb Raider:
I'm sure all the video geeks are buying their tickets now to see Angelina Jolie in those tight clothes |
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Topsy:
Turvy - A movie about Gilbert and Sullivan, whoever the hell they are. |
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Torque:
If I wanted to see a crappy movie about cars and bikes, I'd rent Herbie the Love Bug. |
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Town and Country:
City Slickers and Hicks join forces to battle crime. |
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Traffic:
Something I fucking hate!!! BEEP BEEP BEEP, MOVE IT JERKOFF!! PICK A LANE LADY!!! SAME TO YOU BUTTFACE! YA JERSEY BASTARDS!!! |
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Training Day:
This movie is about a rookie cop learning the ropes in LA. You know...eating donuts, beating up black guys, confiscating drugs for themselves, you know, the usual.. |
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Transformers:
This movie transformed my penis from 2” to 6”. And also into a cassette player. |
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Trapped:
a.k.a., Panic Room |
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Treasure Planet:
Seriously, there must have been a hundred pirate movies that Disney did. I think they are running out of ideas. Let's see a movie about real pirates stealing, killing and screwing woman. I'm sick of the sing and dance pirates. |
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Troy:
Hot Greasy, oily, long-haired men fighting against other men...Adam is gonna llloooovvveeee this movie. |
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Tuck Everlasting:
Some kid spies on his neighbors and in their backyard is a spring that bubbles. Than the kid realizes that a man is in there after he had some beans. |
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Twisted:
A female cop is investigating a murder but finds out her ex-boyfriends are dying left and right. I don't think it would be wise for her current boyfriend to dump her ass anytime soon. |
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Two Weeks Notice:
It won't even last one week. |
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Unaccompanied Minors:
Awesome, more spring break soft-porn! |
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Under the Tuscan Sun:
An American lawyer quits her stressful job and moves to Italy. More lawyers should leave America! |
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Underclassman:
If Nick Cannon can act, then I can rap. |
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Undercover Brother:
Gee let me guess. It stars a black comedian. Ding Ding, I'm right! |
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Underworld:
Vampires and Werewolves battle it out it a giant war in some underground city. Crap, there goes my vacation plans! |
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Unfaithful:
The Jesse Jackson story finally hits the big screen |
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Uptown Girls:
Wouldn't it be funny if they just played "Uptown Girl" the whole movie? I'm sure people would love that! |
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Urban Legends 2:
stupid teen wanna-be horror slasher movie with naked girls..hmm..sounds fun |
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V for Vendetta:
The explosive sequel to C is for Cookie. |
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Vacancy:
A couple are stuck inside a motel and become hunted by a serial killer. Sounds like the motel I stayed at in Cape Cod. |
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Valentine:
Isn't he a wrestler? |
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