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Starring: Harrison Ford, Cate Blanchett, Karen Allen, Shia LaBeouf, Ray Winstone, John Hurt
Written By: David Koepp, Frank Darabont
Directed By: Steven Spielberg
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(Spoiler alert, you sissy crybabies!!!)
You're hero and inspiration Fredrico el Guapo is here to once again blow you're mind with a super insiteful review this time of Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Crystal Skull. So first things first, this movie SUCKED DONKEY ASS!!!!!!1 Like, okay, there was one good thing about it, I'll admit. You my faithful loving readers know of my concern over this tragic Communisation of hollywood movies these days, as I expungeded on in my Transformers and Hairy Potter reviews. But here, in the 1956 we have a older Indy joyfuly beating up stupid commie bastardds while well-groomed young gogetters helpfully point out that we are, in fact, better dead than Red. Yay heroic college protestors!
So what about the rest of the Movie, you ask? Well as I said already it sucked!! Like okay, the plot was really stupid. The crystal skull was really a crystal skull of evil space aliens from beyond the moon, I mean, like, totally, WTF? It was stupid and nonsensical like temple of doom, not realistic and grounded like the True Religion Christianity of Raiders of the Ark and Last Crusade (clearly made before Our Great Heroic Leader President George W Bush laucnhed his mighty Crusade against the evil terrorists but thats another story LOL). I mean these stupid aliens have magic powers like those stupid village rocks from that stupid godless second movie? Come on! Stupid! Not beautiful and resinant like the "face melting of unbelievers" powers of God.
Then theres other stupid things like when Luckass and Shpielberg take they're bizarre 30s fetish to a extreme when Shay Labiff goes all Tarzan, like Chewbacca did that one time only less realistic than a hairy eight foot monster and two teddy bears landing on a two legged metal rampager and taking it over to blow up the little builiding that provided an unstoppable shield to an entire moon.
Okay so well ther ewas one other good part of the movie, Kate Blanchet was looking all hot in her tight uniform and brutal rusky accent, she can discipline me any day of the week LOL LOL LOL hawt
And seriously, where was Sallah? Why wasnt he hanging out in the jungles with Indy again?
Okay, well, alot of people have bitched about Harrison ford being too old for this part, and guess what? THey're right! Hes all hobbling around and then suddenly becomes CGI spider man and then goes back to real-life-Yoda old man, its really ridiculus the dude can barely even walk when he isnt CGI. Then the little kid from Temple of Suck is back, only this time the covertly racist hollywood "liberals" have replaced Jonathan Key Korn Karn with obnoxious white boy Shimmy SHimmy Cocoa pop Laboof. Seriously, WTF? Why did everyone complain about kingpin not being white in x-men but not care about Shorty suddenly becoming some shmuck from the Disney Channel? If Brittney Spears taught us anything its that Disney channel stars are not to be trusted!! WTF.k
And speaking of star wars, Jar Jar binks returns in the form of that fat dude that got all CGId into a muscular badass (like me) in that Beewolf movie that came out a few years back. He was like some annoying money grubbing jerk, so okay he pointed out that capitalism is awesome but is working with the evil red commie jerks really the way to get the point across? More stupid liberal hollywood screenplay at work.
And while we're on the subject of damn hoodlum kids, these damn hoodlum kids are all getting \weird over there damn rock and roll music like Elivs's Hound Dog and Huey Luis's Shake Rattle and Roll. God damn it the stupdi kids and there stupid rock music is ruining my movie series. Yeah thats right punkbitches, this is MY movie series and those rich fatcat bastards Luckass and Iceburg should have made it how I wanted it!!! Seriously wtf, they have had 19 years to think and dedicate there entire existences to making this the absolute perfect movies, but no they act like those other crappy movies they made between now and 1989 were at all worthwhile. Seriously, guys, you failed me and you all suck!!!! I want my ten dollars back you jerks!!!!!
And then theres all these plot holes, like in the beginning theres these heroic commie-hunting FBi agents who kick Indy's ass (metophorically speaking) and then disappear never to be seen again. WTF? Where did those True American Heroes disappear vanish off to? And what the hell was up with the refridgerator? Everone knows refrigerators aren't lead lined, what, were they afraid superman was gonna show up and spy on there food supply? And what was up with the
OMG, you know what part was really stupid? The part where the crazy old man was all dancing around, and suddenly knew Indy, and suddenly went all crazy again, and suddenly became this brilliant professor genius. What the hell was up with that mumbo jumbo? And then a crystal skull tried to eat Indy's soul? WTF I was half expecting Super Hot Kate Blanchet to feed him stupid mind-control blood out of it like that stupid Godless Temple of Suck movie. WTF? Seriously. And why didn't she spank anyone? She looks like the type LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL spank!!!!
So in conclusion, those two bearded old fogies let me down and they suck ass and they should give me a million dollars for all of my mental anguish and all the general suckitude they have unleashed upon th eunsuspecting public!!! WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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Rating: PG-13
Reviewer: Fredrico el Guapo |
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