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Record Label: RCA
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Music has changed a lot in the last few years. Gone are the days where it was boy bands and rap music everywhere. We have come into an age where all you ever here on the radio is ROCK. Why ROCK in capital letters? Because most of it rocks super hard with bands like The Darkness, My Chemical Romance and Green Day filling the airwaves with rock-filled rockitude.
But some bands try so hard to rock and fail miserably. One such case is the debut album by a band called First Impressions of Earth. Their newest album, The Strokes, is so unbelievably not rock-tastic that I was debating whether I should just do a joke review of this instead of telling you how much it sucks. But I decided to seriously analyze some of the biggest problems with it. To begin with, for some reason, First Impressions On Earth (hereafter referred to as FIOE, which incidentally is the Gaelic way of saying fire!), have a stupid ass name and their sound reflects their stupidity. All the songs sound the same and the singer dude, Juan Casablancas, sings like a pussy. Maybe he should just join fucking NSync if he wants to sing like that.
FIOE take their cue from a lot of the rocking bands today like The Killers, who are awesome and way more talented. And I heard that the Killers take a lot of their sound from older bands like The Vines and even The Televisions who apparently rocked really hard in the 1970s. But see, there's a huge problem with FIOE. The Strokes could totally be awesome if they had turned their amps to 11…instead they're at like 4.5. THAT IS NOT APPROPRIATE FOR ROCKING OUT!
I played this for the other guys in my fraternity while we chugged beer and discussed the merit of Family Guy, and they were all like 'turn off that pussy shit music' and 'get a fucking dick in your pants you pantyass motherfucker'. So I know that even if FIOE is popular, it's definitely not with the fraternities. I mean, The White Stripes are so much better anyways, since Meg White is hot.
Now it seems like on the album The Strokes, the band was going to talk about masturbation. Now one of my all time favourite bands is The Bloodhound Gang, so I was excited to hear not-so-subtle songs about jerking it. But there weren't any. I figured the song 'Juicebox' would be about shocking the monkey, but it wasn't! And I thought that '15 Minutes' would be about laying a girl for that long (which is better than I can do, I'll tell you that much), but it was all about being famous.
The biggest problem with The Strokes, besides the lack of rockicity and references to self gratificatoin, is that these dudes totally look like hoboes. They look like they haven't showered since the days of Reagan (*sigh* those were the days). Plus, having a name like First Impressions On Earth make them sound like a science fiction band. And there weren't even sci-fi effects on the album! It seems like they're totally short changing everyone by making crappy wuss music that only appeals to stupid yuppies and indie rock kids with no lives. And even they don't really like it. They just say so in order to sound cool in front of their friends. |
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| RATING & SUMMARY: |
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Overall Rating:
Reviewer: Maurice el Guapo |
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