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Starring: Shia LabEouf, Megan Fox, Peter Cullen, Joshua Duhamel, Ty Gibson
Written By: Roberto Orci
Directed By: Micheal Bay
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Long ago, at the dawn of the cgi era, it was announced by the Powers That Be that a live action Transformers movie would at long last be made, and everybody was happy. Yes everybody, because anyone who says he isn't a transformers fan is a jerk and a liar. Yeah, I'm talking to you, guy that's reading this review but claiming to not be a fan. Anyway, the world was stunned by the announcement that michael Bay would be filming the movie and raping our collective childhoods much like George Lucas did with his version of The Grinch that Stole Christmas. Remember that train reck? God that was awful.
So now Bay has made his remake of Transformers: The movie, and guess what? He messed it all up! There are no minicons! There is no mention of Primus and Unicron. What is up with that? The transformers were created by a giant cube that transforms into a tiny cube, much like a giant robot transforming into a tiny boombox in the cartoon! That was silly and ridiculus! Damn u Michael Bay for changing the story! Couldnt you even put in a optimus primal or something? Ass.
And guess what? The Optimus he did bother to put in the movie has ugly ridiculus flames that RUINED the whole movie!!! flames! Seriously! WTF. Gross. And the transformers were barely in it, the story was all about the dorky teenage kid that nobody likes, and the gross slimy fat nerd boy hackers and the supermodel girl hacker, and the secretary of defense, and those guys in the army, and the used car salesman, and the arctic explorer, and the dumb jock bully guy, and the secret government agents guys, and the crazy grandma and the dancing video game guy and the weirdo that's totally in love with his lawn… it goes on and on. Galvatron is the only decepticon that even speaks! Wtf. I think maybe Starscream mumbled something during his two minutes of screen time.
And of course Hollywood elite liberal Bay has made yet another liberal communist propaganda film, where commie pinko Optimus is always droning on about how everybody deserves to be free and happy, apparently even people who aren't rich and white. God damn commie bastard. And America-hating Bay has made the president a dumb guy who likes twinkies., God damn it. You suck, Comrade Bay!
Now some people bitch an moan that this is a three hour toy commercial. Not true. It's a three hour ebay commercial. And paypal. Evil, evil paypal. Not a scene goes by without a human or even giant robot whoring themselves out for ebay. WTF is up with that? God damn you hollywood sellouts. OMG GO BUY TRANSFORMERS TOYS ON EBAY!!! LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL
Ebay whorage aside the story was completely ripped off from independence day, from the alien invasion to the secret government instellation that had a really old crashed alien being held for study. But of course Bay didn't have the brilliance or balls to have Jeff "The" Goldblum kill the decepticons with his ass-kicking laptop. No instead we get Stupid Wiener Kid saving the day with his mighty ebay glasses. Whatever. And don't get me started on Galvatron turning into a stealth bomber instead of a badass cannon.
AND WHERE THE HELL WAS LEADER ONE?! WHO PUT OPTIMUS PRIMAL IN CHARGE IN THE FIRST PLACE? WTF!!
I guess my point is, this movie sucks ass and is a disgrace to the transformers name. Thats what we get for putting a stupid non transformers fan in charge of making a movie. Who gave this guy money to make it anyway? Some stupid Hollywood liberal, no doubt. You suck my ass, hollywood!!!!!
In conclusion, from now on everybody should call michael bay, michael "sellout" ebay! HA! |
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Bottom Line: I like the comics better
Favorite Scenes:I like when Grimlock said "Me Grimlock"
Rating: NC-17
Reviewer: Fredrico el Guapo |
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