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Comic Books Are For Kids?

Sun, 13 Apr 2008 06:36:32 GMT

When most people think of comic books, the first thing that comes to their mind is that comic books are for kids. Human nature is to stereotype things that they don’t really don’t understand. A kid with baggy pants and piercings is surely a troublemaker. Music with horns that doesn’t sound like jazz is definitely goofy. If you don’t live in a big city then you’re not as sophisticated and cultured. All stereotypes.

I’ve been reading comic books for about twenty years. I collect action figures, statues, posters, movies, cartoons…just about anything related to the world of comic books. I have been for years and will continue to do so most likely until the day that I die. In fact, my wife encourages it. If it weren’t for comic books, I would not be in the field that I am in. I love to go to work every day and do what I do. At times, I can’t believe that I get paid to do what I do.

Back when I was about eight years old, I remember going to the local grocery store and picking up some Spider-Man and Captain America comics. I used to watch the old Spider-man, Hulk and Captain America cartoons that my brother used to own. I would watch the Batman television show wide-eyed with wonder. I can’t count how many times I dressed up as Batman and Spider-Man for Halloween. I would create my own comic book characters as young as nine years old. As the early 90’s came around, I began to discover that a lot of my friends in school were also into comic books. I was not alone in these self-contained adventures anymore. There were others just like me. But then high school hit. While everyone else was all about getting drunk, having sex and being your usual high school pricks, I dove deeper and deeper into the glossy covered newsprint of the X-Men, Daredevil, Batman and Thor. Not only did comics provide me with an escape from the outside world, but also they provided me with admiration, ideals and inspiration. I wanted to create my own stories, my own characters and my own universe. I drew and wrote. I inked and colored. I would do it at family gatherings, in study hall, late at night on the weekends…at just about any opportunity that I got. I became what I am simply because I lost myself in the fantasy universes of Marvel, DC and Image Comics to name a few.

The one thing that always baffled me during my discovery of comic books was that most people never seemed to understand why I liked them. I became ashamed of liking comic books just because other people didn’t. People would laugh and joke and make snide comments as kids would. It inspired me to push harder…to prove everyone wrong. I never understood why people would discount comic books as a great source of entertainment. You got everything in one package, wonderful art, great storytelling and colorful characters all wrapped up in a $1.00 package. For those that don’t consider comic art a serious form of art, think of this: a painter can paint a portrait or landscape and it could take days if not weeks and usually a painter focuses and perfects one form or another…now take into consideration that a comic book artist has to illustrate everything from a persons’ facial expressions to their fluid motions as well as create everything from an imaginary fantasy planet to the New York City cityscape…all in the course of a couple of weeks. I deeply wished that something would open the eyes of those that were ignorant to the wonders of comic books. In 1992, the Death of Superman story caught national attention. Major newspapers like the New York Times printed articles and editorials…about a comic book character. Everyone in the world knows who Superman is, if not just by recognition alone. The Death of Superman caught the attention of the country…the world…and slightly opened the eyes of millions to the power of comic books. Shortly after that in 1998, a movie came out starring Wesley Snipes by the name of Blade. It became a huge hit. The one thing that most people didn’t know was that Blade was a comic book character. People seemed to be shocked by that fact. The Blade character was a badass vampire hunter that could have easily been mistaken for someone in a Dirty Harry movie or from the Terminator franchise. But here he was, an unknown underground comic book character in a feature length film that was successful. Sure, comic book movies were successful in the past. The Superman and Batman franchises were blockbusters. There was a Captain America and Punisher movie. Swamp Thing was a surprising hit. There were live action television series for the Flash, Superman and some second rate Batman characters but the only people that seemed to notice were the hardcore comic freaks like my friends and I.

In the year 2000, one of Marvel Comics biggest titles finally hit the big screen when the first X-Men movie was released. The X-Men were the black sheep of the Marvel Universe…the outcasts, the losers, the freaks. Naturally, I could relate to those characters the most. Much like Blade, most casual moviegoers had no clue that the X-Men even existed outside of the movie world. They had never read an X-Men comic and couldn’t tell you the difference between a mutant and a militant, but the movie had some big stars with draw power and the movie blew all expectations of it out of the water. More and more people wound up in comic book stores and at comic conventions. The plague was growing and I couldn’t help but revel in the disease. There was one more movie that was set to be released that I knew would destroy the boundaries between childish and entertainment for everyone…that would finally open the foggy eyes and clouded minds of everyone who thought that comic books were “just for kids”. The year, 2002; the movie: Spider-Man.

Arguably, the single most recognized character in the entire Marvel Universe is Spider-Man. His popularity goes toe to toe with that of Superman and Batman’s; his story more tragic and human than either of those characters. When the Spider-Man movie was announced, I breathed a sigh of relief. In my mind, I just had a feeling that this would be the movie that would finally show what comic books were all about. The context of “with great power comes great responsibility” and the consequences of ignoring that notion is one of the greatest ideals in the history of comic books, period. The story of Peter Parker was just too great for the world to ignore. Lo and behold, Spider-Man shattered box office records nationally and globally. GLOBALLY! A story that was written forty odd years ago, finally got the respect and credit that it deserved. People that I knew admitted that they had cried in theaters when Uncle Ben died. Those same people said that they cheered during the final battle between Spider-Man and the Green Goblin and then cried again when Spider-Man took his dead body home. The second time that I seen the movie in theaters, after the word about it had spread like a Southern California wildfire, people in the audience gave it a standing ovation during the end credits. Not bad for a stupid funny book character, huh?

With that trio of comic book movies (Blade, X-Men and Spider-Man), the floodgates were open for an assault into the funny book archives. Comic book movies have become their own genre. Just about everyone has seen a comic book movie by now whether it’s an obvious one like Hellboy, Sin City, Fantastic Four or the Hulk or the not so obvious underground hits like Ghost World, V For Vendetta or Art School Confidential or have watched a television show like Heroes.

Comics have seeped into our culture much like a spider-symbiote would seek a Peter Parker-hating host. The San Diego Comic-con has become another Cannes with all the big movie news being announced there nowadays. There are dozens of TV shows and even more big budget movies being announced every week with even more being planned as I type this out. So the next time that you chuckle because a zit-faced kid is reading an Avengers comic on the subway, think to yourself that you’re not as different as you think. In the subway across town, a business mogul, a computer tech assistant, the guy that designed the t-shirt that you are wearing or even that hot supermodel on the lingerie billboard could be reading that exact same book. The next time that you think to yourself that comic books are “just for kids”, remember that no matter where you turn, no matter what’s on television…you just can’t escape the influence that comic books have on our culture today. We were all kids once…and those of us who never really grew up are better off that way. To quote one of the greatest comic book writers of all time, Alan Moore. “To paint comic books as childish and illiterate is lazy. A lot of comic books are very literate - unlike most films.” And how many times do you watch a movie?

Top 10 Most Depressing Movies Endings That Aren't About Death

Sat, 12 Apr 2008 11:42:24 GMT

Spoilers abound below. Just warning you.

Earlier this week, the Imdb.com hit list posted an article called The 10 Most Depressing Movie Endings Ever. And I was certain that I was not the only one who didn’t quite take to the lists reliance on mostly sci-fi and horror movies, but moreover, films that mostly ended up with everyone dying. Cinematical.com did in fact comment on this fact here. But I think the problem with the original list, and even with Cinematical’s rendering, is that part of the definition of depressing is misconstrued. I contend that for a film to be truly depressing, it shouldn’t be about death, or at least in the literal sense.

Kudos to the Cinematical writer who pointed out the ending of the Last American Virgin as a perfect example of a depressing ending – long before there were far too many teen movies (and probably the era where there were just about the right amount), the film takes a surprising and ultimately far-too-realistic turn, in which our hero, who has tried so hard to get the girl he loves, stabs him in the back to go with his best friend. When the credits roll on that one, we see our hero crying in the car. This is a far more apt portrayal of a film that truly displays the human condition. Death, and even suicide, as a way to end a film is often an easy way out. I find that films are far more depressing when they are not about death at all. Therefore, here are 10 films that really hit you in the kishkes without killing off characters for emotional gravitas.

10. Sunset Boulevard (1950)

There is an odd sense of bleak humour towards the end of this film, but as crazy as Norma Desmond becomes, there is definitely some pathos we give to her character. Granted, the film is quite macabre from the beginning (we find Joe Gillis dead in a swimming pool), but Gloria Swanson’s haunting walk down the stairs, coupled with the immortal line “alright Mr. De Mille, I’m ready for my close-up” give you this haunting feeling of worry, as you secretly hope you’re never that disillusioned.

9. Little Children (2006)

On the rare occasion that I prefer the film version of the ending to the one written in the book, Todd Field’s suburban drama falls apart as quickly and harshly as it seems to appear; perhaps a solemn indication that there is no escape from the suburbs, but more than anything, a suggestion that you just can’t change who you are. Between castration, confusion, and utter weakness, everything seems to go back from whence it came in a way that makes the audience feel like in this world we’re all doomed to be miserable.

8. All The Real Girls (2003)

Despite an overlong denouement, David Gordon Green’s indie hit paints a sleepy pastoral of a small mining town, and the burgeoning romance between two lovelorn people who strike up a connection that is told through images more than language. The ending takes about 10 minutes longer than it probably should, but all through that time, as the male character tries to figure things out, I was crossing my fingers that their connection would bring them back together again. Green tries to leave the film with some pleasant images, and some feelings of progress, but it does seem like there is a whole lot more lost than gained.

7. Ghost World (2000)

As bad as the life of Seymour (Steve Buscemi) seems at the end, I’m pretty sure Enid is far worse off. The ending is filled with a couple of obvious metaphors – namely, the bus – but what this film teaches you more than anything is that everything might as well eventually fall apart. I always tend to feel worse for Seymour, but his life is more pathetic than depressing. Enid, on the other hand, has this utterly deflated look to her that suggests there isn’t a light at the end of the tunnel, or bus route.

6. The Bicycle Thief (Ladri di biciclette) (1948)

Talk about lost hope. Vittorio De Sica’s film manages to cram so many existential ideas into a simple bicycle. It’s quite amazing how De Sica turns two wheels into a symbol for everything ever meant something to a family. In many ways, it is an excruciatingly simple story of a man who needs a bike for his job, and his search to find it when it gets stolen. You can’t help but cringe when out of desperation he tries to steal another man’s bike, but it is the look on the face of his son that really does it; the film takes its final cruel turn and the family are left with nothing.

5. Brazil (1985)

Perhaps my favourite dystopic future movie ever. This film is both darkly comic, and deliciously macabre, especially when you can trace it all back to shoddy paperwork. If you’re familiar with any of the controversy about the film when it came out, you’ll know that the studio executives scrapped Terry Gilliam’s ending in favour of something far more uplifting. However, the film’s intended ending, with Sam Lowry in a cavernous sphere, newly lobotomized, is one of the more haunting images sci-fi on film has given us.

4. Once (2007)

True love is doomed isn’t it? I think we all take a bit of solace in knowing that the two stars of this lovely Irish film got together after filming it. Because between the swells of their music and the revealing final crane shot, the audience is left with a sad and desperate feeling of longing. But I don’t think that we need them to be together even in a romantic sense; it’s more like the band broke up and even all that reunion money won’t get them back together.

3. The Squid and the Whale (2005)

Also one of the best film endings of this decade, the film ends right at the exact moment where Walt Berkman realizes his father is not the heroic figure he had once perceived him to be. After spending the entire film repeating the rhetoric and bold opinions of his father, Walt clings on to a fond memory of a childhood experience he had with his mother. Walt is in a state of flux, in a domestic Kafkaesque experience (this film also takes the cake for calling the Metamorphosis Kafkaesque). As much as Walt knows he's better off at his mother's place, he has alienated her far too much to go back. Coupled with the strings of Lou Reed's Street Hassle, there's something excruciatingly vacant that I feel every time the film's title flashes on the screen at the end.

2. Casablanca (1942)

Arguably one of the greatest films of all time, and partly because of its legendary ending scene. We’ve all secretly wanted to break up with someone on a landing strip (as Woody Allen lets us know in his homage to the film Play It Again, Sam), but the saddest part about the whole thing is that as Rick does his speech to Ilsa, we know he’s right, and that they can’t be together. The hard truth of his confession is really what makes the film so powerful and so classic. Maybe the problems of three little people do amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.

1. Lost in Translation (2003)

The first time I saw this I didn’t think the ending was so sad. It wasn’t until someone made an offhand comment about how depressing the movie was. And the more I thought about it, and with repeat viewings, I realized that the ending was the clearest depiction of the cruelty of the world. The whole film is up for interpretation, and I am not of the belief that Scarlett Johansson and Bill Murray’s characters were in love in the traditional sense, it was more an opportunity to be in love with life in general; both are slowly drowning, and their kiss is a last gasp for air before they both sink into oblivion. Couple that with some shoegazing music, and a Jesus and Mary Chain song through the end credits, and you might just understand why those emo kids are so dour.

And quickly, my top 5 depressing film endings that are about death.

5. Pan's Labyrinth (2006)

4. The Elephant Man (1980)

3. Hard Core Logo (1996)

2. Requiem For A Dream (2000)

1. Au Revoir Les Enfants (1987)

My Top 5 Favorite Hockey Movies

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 08:14:21 GMT

The NHL hockey playoffs begin tonight around the country. Any team could win it at this point, but let’s hope my NY Rangers at least get past the first round against the NJ Devils. God I hate that team. Anyway, with the playoffs about to begin, maybe some hockey fans out there might want to get pumped with watching a hockey movie? I’ve compiled my list of my Top 5 Favorite Hockey Movies:

1. Slapshot

Of course Slapshot is going to be at the top of this list. It’s one of the best sports movies, period. Slapshot is about the failing hockey team, Johnstown Chiefs. It centers around the player/coach Reggie Dunlap, played brilliantly by Paul Newman. The only way the team finds ways to win is through acts of violence like fighting, stick swinging and other outrageous antics. Their secret weapons in the games were the goofy-looking brawlers, The Hanson Brothers. People will always remember this movie because of them. I hated all the off-ice crap in this movie but all the on-ice activities outweighed the boring crap. Definitely watch this movie for just the game moments.

Best Moment: Hanson Brothers taking the ice for the first time.

Favorite Quote: “Hey Hanrahan! Hanrahan! Hanrahan - Suzanne sucks pussy! Hey Hanrahan she's a dyke! I know, I know! She's a lesbian, a lesbian, a lesbian!”

2. Youngblood

I’m not sure many will remember this movie but this is the movie that I always loved to watch when it came to hockey. Youngblood was released in 1986 and it starred Rob Lowe as Dean Youngblood, a rookie who goes to Hamilton Ontario in hopes of making the Hamilton Mustangs team. It also stars Patrick Swayze and features a young Keanu Reeves as the goalie as well. It’s got a lot of great hockey moments, lots of fights, and a young, decent-looking Fionnula Flanagan as Miss McGill. She’s the woman who screws all the new hockey players that stay at her place. Geez the years have not been good for her huh? The movie hasn’t really aged that well over the years, but it’s still fun to watch this one for nostalgic purposes.

Best Moment: The end fight between Youngblood and Racki

Favorite Quote: “Wanna go, pretty boy?”

3. The Mighty Ducks

Ok, sure it’s a cheesy Disney movie, and now there’s a hockey team called the Ducks; but I think the majority of younger hockey fans enjoy this movie a lot. I know I did back then and still like this movie. The Mighty Ducks was about Gordon Bombay, a young hockey star who went on to become a hotshot lawyer. Until one day when he got a DUI and had to do community service. He gets assigned to coach the local peewee hockey team and learns to love the game again. The team was filled with a bunch of kids that couldn’t play and used old football equipment as hockey equipment. For a kid movie, it had a lot of fun hockey moments; but I can see how some people might not like this movie as much as other hockey movies. The Mighty Ducks definitely sparked some interest in kids to play hockey, which is always a good thing. Mighty Ducks is the best Mighty Ducks film in the series; all the other sequels get a bit ridiculous.

Best Moment: Tying up Goldberg and taking shots at him.

Favorite Quote: “This is your Bar Mitzvah, Goldberg. Today, you become a man.” “No. I think you've got the ceremonies mixed up. This is more like a CIRCUMCISION.”

4. Mystery, Alaska

It took me one or two viewings to really like Mystery, Alaska. But after seeing it a few times, I really liked the movie. It’s got comedy, drama, some great hockey scenes and Mike Myers doing a funny cameo as a hockey announcer. The film stars Russell Crowe, Burt Reynolds, Scott Grimes, Hank Azaria and others. It’s about a local Alaska town that’s picked to play the evil NY Rangers in a televised hockey event. Why couldn’t they have picked the Flyers as the evil team that is filled with a bunch of bullies and assholes? This movie had more scenes off the ice but unlike Slapshot, the off ice scenes were interesting and not boring. A bonus that I’m sure people won’t give a shit about is that the Pogues have a song (Love You ‘Til The End) in this movie as well! Fans of hockey will like this movie a lot!

Best Moment: I thought it was funny when the team punishes Banks(?). He has to slide on the ice with just his jock strap on, feet first into the snow. OUCH!

Favorite Quote: “Hey, you know where a guy can get a rub and a tug around here?”

5. Miracle

The newest hockey movie on the list, Miracle was about the 1980’s U.S. Olympic hockey team. The 1980’s U.S Olympic hockey game versus the powerful Soviet Union has to be definitely one of the greatest moments in sports. The game was definitely something the country needed at the time, and was very inspirational. The movie was done really well, and gave great performances from Kurt Russell as the late, great Herb Brooks. Just watching this movie made me realize how much of a hard ass Herb Brooks was. More coaches definitely needed to be more like him. Talking about this movie makes me want to watch this one again. Miracle is definitely one of the best dramas about hockey.

Best Moment: The final moments of the infamous game, with the classic line from Al Michaels…

Favorite Quote: Do you believe in miracles? YES!

5 New Albums I Have Been Listening To A Lot (April 2008)

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 12:13:38 GMT

When I hear a new CD, I can’t seem to stop listening to it until I pretty much ram it into the ground. I never used to be that way because I didn’t want to get sick of that CD so quick. But in my older age, I can’t help it I guess. I listen to a lot of music at home and at work, but these are the top 5 albums I listen to frequently. This month’s selection is mostly indie rock but that doesn’t mean that’s all I’m listening to. I have been listening to The Riverdales and New Model Army a lot as well but those albums aren’t new so…Anyway, here’s my top 5 picks:

1. She & Him – “Volume 1”

Right before the album came out, I read that actress Zooey Deschanel was releasing an album with M. Ward and the result is She & Him. It’s just the two of them and they have this nice 60’s style folk & country sound that’s very pleasing to the ears. I was amazed how well & unique Zooey’s singing voice is. When I saw her sing in Elf, I was just wondering when she would do a musical or release a solo album or something. Not every song on here is great but the majority of songs on here I really enjoy listening to.

Check out: “Why Do You Let Me Stay Here” “Change is Hard” “This Is Not a Test”

2. Stereophonics – “Pull the Pin”

It’s the band I dreaded to see live over in my UK trip 2 or 3 years ago. I dreaded seeing the band because I didn’t know who they were, plus I was really sick. But after finally hearing the band on CD, I really dig their sound now. Granted this CD is from October 2007, it’s still fairly new in my mind. Kelly Jones has an awesome singing voice and their latest album is their best album to date. I don’t think there is one bad song on this album and that’s a rare thing for me to say.

Check out: “It Means Nothing” “Bright Red Star” “Daisy Lane”

3. DeVotchKa – “Mad and Faithful Telling”

This DeVotchKa album has been on my most anticipated albums of 2008 list and it doesn’t disappoint! It took me a few listens to determine if this was really good or just okay. Thankfully, it’s a really good album that’s a perfect follow-up to their last full-length album “How It Ends.” I’m not sure if the band will ever top “How It Ends” but you can tell in this album that they are really tightening up their unique sound. I can’t wait to hear these songs live in May when I see them in NYC.

Checkout: “Along The Way,” “Comrade Z,” “New World”

4. Billy Bragg – “Mr. Love and Justice”

After seeing Mr. Billy Bragg play to a sold out Pogues show in NYC, I’ve been listening to his brand new album a lot. I actually think it’s one of the best albums he’s ever put out. I love when he’s with his backing band The Blokes, but I also appreciate his music when he goes solo as well. You can preview 2 songs on his MySpace page to see if you like it, but I’m telling you; this album rocks! Its a “must-have album” if you call yourself a Billy Bragg fan!

Check out: “I Keep Faith,” “I Almost Killed You,” “Sing Their Souls Back Home”

5. Helio Sequence – “Keep Your Eyes Ahead”

I literally just got into the Helio Sequence last week or so. My twin brother got me into the band and told me I would like them. I guess for a change, he was right. The band is somewhat similar to label mates the Shins, but they have a somewhat different sound. They are more keyboard driven indie rock I suppose? Also, the vocals kind of remind me of Josh Ritter’s when the singer of Helio Sequence sings slow. Either way, I have been listening to the band’s latest album nonstop.

Check out: “Can’t Say No,” “Hallelujah,” “The Captive Mind”

The 10 Best Compilations According to Creature

Mon, 24 Mar 2008 04:50:00 GMT

Usually a compilation disc is nothing more than a collection of songs that have been lumped together to form an incoherent album that ends up being nothing more than a drink coaster. When you take a different set of songs, songs that are either unreleased B-sides, hard to find tracks from vinyl or imports or even if those songs are regular album tracks but are songs by bands that you have just discovered with that particular compilation and the disc is maxed with 80 minutes of undiscovered bands, then you may just have something great. Personally, if it wasn’t for the cheap-O comps that I would pick up in the bargain bins, I probably would never have gotten into 90% of the bands that I am into today.

With downloading and iPods, compilations have gone the way of the dodo. Ten years ago, they were vital to exposing underground ska and punk bands to the masses. These are some of the compilations that exposed themselves to me and changed my life forever.

10) On Your Mark…Get Set…GO! (Vegas Records):

I paid $1.99 for this comp in the back of a National Record Mart. It was split up with songs from three different record labels: Steady Beat Recordings, a collection of trad-ska bands such as Yeska and Irie Beats; Stiffdog Records, a mix of third-wave and trad-ska hybrid bands like the Adjustments and the Derringers, and Vegas Records recording artists such as third-wave favorites Jeffries Fan Club, My Superhero and Action League. This disc was a great introduction to some more obscure bands even though by this time I had heard of most of these bands already.

9) Honest Don’s Welcome Wagon (Honest Don’s):

Welcome Wagon makes a great companion to Greatest Shits although the track listing was weaker. There were some good tracks from the Mad Caddies, J Church, Dance Hall Crashers and the Teen Idols though.

8) Mailorder is FUN! (Asian Man Records):

What can I say? Asian Man Records is the greatest record label in the world…hands down. They sent me this for free with an order that I placed for some MU330 CD’s. Slapstick, Link 80, Slow Gherkin, The Chinkees, Bruce Lee Band, Less Than Jake, J Church, the Hippos, Ann Beretta and MU330 make up just a fraction of the 29 tracks on this behemoth. It’s a ska-punkers dream!

7) Honest Don’s Greatest Shits (Honest Don’s):

Other than having one of the greatest album covers of all time, Honest Don’s Greatest Shits is indeed just that, great. It seemed to have the best songs from some great bands including the Mad Caddies, Anti-Flag, Dance Hall Crashers, Hagfish, Fluf and the Teen Idols. Did I mention that the album cover is great?

6) Punk-O-Rama 3 (Epitaph Records):

Most people think that Punk-O-Rama 2 is the best Punk-O-Rama. Well, I’m not most people. The third installment of Epitaph’s Punk-O-Rama series features one of the greatest selections of punk rock this side of the Great Wall. You get 25 tracks of songs from punk legends like ALL, NOFX, the Bouncing Souls, Rancid, the Dwarves, H2O, Down By Law, Agnostic Front, Bad Religion and Pennywise all the while leaving room for some quaint little diddys by the Voodoo Glow Skulls, Millencolin, Gas Huffer, Union 13 and Osker to name just a few. This was a punk rock compilation at it’s finest with a price tag that even your momma would be happy to pay for.

5) Short Music For Short People (Fat Wreck Chords):

All that I can say about this compilation is that it is one of the coolest ideas for a comp ever. Just about every punk band in existence at the time submitted a thirty-second song for a total of 101 tracks…everyone from Green Day and Blink 182 to the Circle Jerks and the Dickies are on here. There’s even a track from GWAR! It’s also a great go to disc when you’re making a mix disc and you only have a few seconds left over at the end of it.

4) Hopelessly Devoted To You Too (Hopeless Records):

By far the best Hopelessly disc out of the bunch, Hopelessly Devoted To You To was one of those compilations that opened my eyes to some of my favorite bands to this day. From the first track, “All Fall Down” by Against All Authority to Mustard Plug’s “Lolita” and the Queers version of “Like A Parasite”, I was hopelessly devoted to Hopeless Records and thus my mailorder fetish kicked into high gear.

3) Give ‘Em The Boot (Hellcat Records):

In 1997, the height of the ska explosion, I was just getting into this new type of music that I had never heard before. The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, Reel Big Fish, No Doubt, Save Ferris, Sublime and the Suicide Machines had piqued my interest the year before. And then Give ‘Em The Boot came out. I don’t know what it is that caused me to pick up this compilation, with Rancid being the only band on there that I had heard of at the time, but I picked it up and I don’t know where I would have been without it. I was introduced to some amazing bands such as the Slackers, Hepcat, the Pietasters, the Voodoo Glow Skulls, the Dropkick Murphys, Choking Victim, the Stubborn All Stars, the Swingin’ Utters the US Bombs and the Gadjits. There was no going back to modern rock radio now.

2) Hey Brother…Can You Spare Some Ska? (Vegas Records):

The purchase of Give ‘Em The Boot inspired me to raid the Various Artists and Compilation sections of every single music store that I could find. Hey Brother Volume 1 was one of those discs that were raided. This compilation took me even further into the third wave underground introducing me to the Hippos, Jeffries Fan Club, Link 80, My Superhero, the Cherry Poppin’ Daddies, the Bruce Lee Band and Low Pressure. I had a tough time deciding between this comp and the next comp for the number one slot but with a stronger track listing, in at number one is…

1) Ska Sucks (Liberation Records):

I still listen to Ska Sucks a lot today. By the time that I had picked up Ska Sucks, I had heard of a handful of bands on it already…probably the reason that I picked it up in the first place since there were different tracks from those bands on it. Ska Sucks just had so many great songs by so many of the best that third wave had to offer from just about every ska record label out there. Hepcat, Let’s Go Bowling and Unsteady had the more traditional ska sound covered. For the ska punkers, Less Than Jake, Mustard Plug, Link 80, Slapstick, the Mephiskapheles, Choking Victim, the Chinkees, Against All Authority, Jeffries Fan Club, the Dance Hall Crashers and the Pietasters have you covered. You even have your not so prototypical ska band show up now and again with tracks from Limp, Millencolin and Home Grown. In my mind, Ska Sucks is one of those rare compilations that, if I were going to make a mix CD, I would probably make the exact same thing.

Honorable Mentions:

Can Of Pork, Give ‘Em The Boot Volume 2, Punk-O-Rama Volume 2, Fat Music V: Live Fat, Die Young, Hey Brother 2

Gary Busey, Dance Instructor

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 12:01:38 GMT

"NO! NO! NO! I said, Front Step, Front Step, Back Step, POINT! If you're not going to listen, I'm not going to help you become magnificent!"

His face is right up against mine and a mixture of spittle and sweat ricochets off my forehead as he speaks. His hot breath is a mix of sour milk and passion.

He is Gary Busey and he is my dance instructor.

I work through the moves again, this time properly. But Gary Busey isn't satisfied. Gary Busey is never satisfied.

"I want to know why you're wasting my time! No! I want to know why you're wasting YOUR time! You want to be a dancer -- then DANCE."

I am exhausted; we have been working since 4 am and it is well past 2 in the afternoon with no break. And there's a full day ahead of us. But Gary Busey is right. This was MY choice. I came to HIM to LEARN.

Still, all these weeks in his stuffy windowless basement. All this time away from home, away from my family, with no one knowing where I am. It is taking its toll.

Gary Busey seems to sense my weary resignation and changes tactics. Gary Busey always knows when someone's close to the breaking point. "Listen, we're here for the same thing," he says softly, touching my cheek. The rest of his sentence comes out in a whisper: "...to make you the best dancer you can be. To make you... magnificent."

That gives me the strength to finish what I've set out to do. Sure, I never thought answering a dance lesson ad would lead to my imprisonment in this horrible place. I never expected to drop 30 pounds from nonstop dancing with minimal nourishment. But then again, I never expected to be learning from Gary Busey. My mentor. My friend.

A sharp crack and my jaw is broken. I almost stumble, but I know that would mean more punishment. I can't let my mind wander. I can't screw this up. Gary Busey, I will be your dancer. I will be magnificent.

FRONT STEP, FRONT STEP, BACK STEP, POINT. FRONT STEP, FRONT STEP, BACK STEP, POINT.

Top 25 Most Tragic Deaths In Music History

Fri, 15 Feb 2008 03:44:05 GMT

When you stop and think about it, so many rock legends have died like: Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix, John Lennon and Bob Marley to name a few. ReadJunk.com wanted to pay tribute to our favorite dead rock heroes, so we decided to give them a proper shout-out and an obituary so they could continue being remembered. But remember, we couldn't list every single rockstar death so we came up with the Top 25 most tragic deaths in music history.

25. GG Allin:

He was the most disgusting singer in rock history. He had no talent whatsoever, but loved to put on an entertaining live show that included peeing on people, eating his own shit, and ripping off bats’ heads and eating them. What moron would pay money to see someone do those things, when you can just watch a homeless person in NYC do it for free? GG Allin committed suicide in his New York City apartment after he found out he had HIV. Requested in his will, his body was dressed in a Hawaiian shirt and his body was shot out of a cannon. All his friends and fans celebrated his death with a carnival following the funeral.

24. Bradley Nowell:

Brad was the lead singer and bass player of the California hippie reggae band Sublime. After the band signed with Skunk Records, Sublime took off and was popular among college students and vagabonds. Many of their songs were at the top of the Billboard charts, including the songs "What I Got" and "Wrong Day." In 1997, after the band’s major label debut got released, Brad Nowell died of a cocaine overdose in his apartment. Nowell was honored in a benefit concert where such California bands like the Foo Fighters and Gwen Stefani played.

23. Elliot Smith:

Elliot Smith was a brilliant song writer and composer, famous for his music, as well as appearances in The Royal Tenenbaums and There’s Something About Mary. Following a suicide attempt, it seemed his life was looking up. Unfortunately, fate had it that his girlfriend just bought a new kitchen knife, which she left on the floor. In a freak accident, he stepped on a loose plank and the knife flipped up, disemboweling him. Sadly, when his girlfriend called paramedics two hours later, he had already expired.

22. Darby Crash:

Darby Crash was born with the name Bobby Pyn but later changed his named to Darby Crash because he thought it sounded cool. He fronted the San Francisco punk band The Germs and created the liberty spike punk haircut. After touring in England in 1980, Darby Crash committed suicide by hanging himself while listening to one of his records. Or at least that was the rumor.

21. Sid Vicious:

Simon Ritchie was the infamous bassist of the classic London punk band the Sex Pistols. He later changed his named to Sid Vicious after his grandfather, Sid Vicicci. Sid Vicious couldn't play the bass at all but wanted to be famous, so he did a lot of drugs and acted crazy on stage for attention. While making the movie "Sid & Nancy" with his girlfriend, he accidentally stabbed her on set. She died from the wounds the next day. Sid was arrested but later released on bail since he didn't remember the murder. A few weeks later, Sid died in his apartment in London while doing more drugs. Some say he committed suicide because he missed Nancy. Either way, Sid Vicious' popularity grew even more once he died.

20. Easy-E:

Easy E, that master of 80's Hip-Hop, succumbed recently to infection after a long battle with mercury poisoning. The exact cause remains unknown.

19. Buddy Holly:

Often referred to as the pioneer of blues rock, Holly was a 50's legend who looked like Elvis Costello. He was a master at the guitar and bass, and his backing band was called the Grasshoppers. With the band, they wrote such classics like "Every Day," "Peggy Sue," and "Oh Donna." After two successful years, Holly decided to get on an airplane that was flying to North Dakota with Richie Valens and The Big Whopper. The plane crashed due to a hurricane and all aboard were killed. Buddy Holly is buried in Lubock, Texas.

18. John Bonham:

John Bonham, drummer for Lead Zeppelin, was a controversial and charismatic figure renowned for his driving rock beats as well as his lyrical and mysterious poetry. He attracted a cult following and even almost 30 years after his death from an alcohol overdose that caused him to drown in the bathtub, fans still flock to his grave in France.

17. John Denver:

Many consider John Denver the greatest folk singer in American history. He recorded a bunch of hits like "Leaving on a Jet Plane," "This Land is Your Land," and "Rocky Mountain High." Ironically, John Denver left this world leaving on jet plane crashing over the Atlantic Ocean with his girlfriend Lauren Bessette. Many Muppets were sad that day.

16. Johnny Thunders:

Johnny Thunders, often referred to as "The 5th Sex Pistol," was a punk rock icon, imitated often. Born John Paul Beahm, Thunders rose to power as a singer in many punk rock bands like New York Dolls, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers and The Johnny Thunders Band. He wowed audiences with his drug-fueled performances. The singer's death was an open and shut case of suicide by heroin in 1980.

15. Nick Drake:

Nick Drake was a Welsh folk singer/songwriter who sung brilliantly depressing songs. Crafting his songs in the dark, Drake’s main instruments were the acoustic guitar, bouzouki, piano, and penny whistle. Nick Drake wasn’t popular for most of his life, but toured as much as he could to get his name out there. He died in his early 20’s while sleeping in his bed. It was later discovered that he died of an apparent overdose of vitamins. After his death, Nick Drake’s music lived on and his popularity grew.

14. Jerry Garcia:

The lead vocalist and guitarist of the ultra hippie band Greatful Dead was an idol among stoners, beatniks and college dropouts. Besides playing with the Greatful Dead for four decades, he had various side projects like the Jerry Garcia Band and Phish. Besides music, Jerry Garcia also had a passion for ice cream (obviously). With the help of his best friend Ben Cohen, Jerry and Ben created Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream. Jerry later developed flavors after himself: Cherry Garcia and Phishfood. Garcia eventually died of natural causes, likely exacerbated by his weight. Hippies worldwide mourned the lost of their overweight prophet by smoking his ashes.

13. Randy Rhodes:

Randy Rhodes was a British guitarist for Ozzy Osbourne's band and a good friend to Ozzy. Ozzy's nickname for Rhodes was Whammy because he was such a klutz: knocking guitars down, tripping over wires, and other clumsily things. One day while tripping over something, he thought of the idea to develop a guitar leveler for the guitar called the whammy bar. Randy Rhodes had a tragic airplane accident in Florida where he died instantly. He was flying a small plane near his tour bus while other members were sleeping, and ended up flying into a mansion instead. Rhodes awesome guitar playing was sorely missed. Zach Wilde ended up taking over guitar duties after that.

12. Joey Ramone:

The Howard Stern look-a-like Jeff Hyman fronted the Bronx New York punk rock group the Ramones. He was an excellent singer with a lot of range and diversity, often described as the Jim Morrison of punk rock. Johnny, Dee Dee and Joey Ramone were the only original members of the band to have been with the band to the end. Joey died suddenly of lymphoma in 2000 in New York. New York City dedicated a midtown street after Joey called Joey Ramone's Place.

11. Cliff Burton:

When your music is horror-related, and your older brother is horror film master Tim Burton, you're used to the darkness. But when Cliff Burton's van drove into a tree, horror turned into tragedy. His band, Metallica, would soon go off to make millions with albums like Load and Loader. But they would never again be as edgy or... horrifying.

10. Tupac Shukar:

The notorious rapper released more albums dead than he did alive. He rose to fame with the popular group De La Soul. He later became famous as a solo artist with such hits "Keep Your Heads Ringin," and "I Get Around." Tupac leaves behind a controversial legacy and a rocky career. Tupac's tragic life ended September 1995 during a fatal drive-by on Hollywood Blvd, down the road from his record label Death Row Records. Tupac has been rumored to be living in the Bahamas with his biotches, his death faked in order to avoid the gangs of the West Coast, and, oh yeah, the IRS.

9. Janis Joplin:

Janis Joplin was a peace and love songstress, as well known for her love of humanity as for her love of ham. Popular songs include "Me and Bobby Dream of California," and "Monday, Mercedes." Tragically, her life was cut short when she choked on a ham sandwich. She will be remembered fondly.

8. Kurt Cobain:

Kurt Cobain, the grandfather of grunge, was beloved by his legions of flannel-wearing fans. Known for his wild on-stage antics and feisty interviews with the British press, he was shot to death by an unknown assailant. Some say, in fear of lawsuit, that he was murdered by his then-girlfriend, who later went on to great success with her band, Whole. Unfortunately, she’s still alive to this day.

7. Freddie Mercury:

Everyone should know who Freddie Mercury is by now. He was the Asian-born British lead singer of Queen who dressed up like woman at times and painted his face all psychedelic colors. Some of the hits that Mercury wrote were "We Are the Champions," "Changes," and "Bohemian Rhapsody." During the late 80’s, Mercury ventured into many Russian bathhouses and he met various people that later became his drinking buddies. In 1991, he was diagnosed with HIV and later died at the age of 44.

6. Joe Strummer:

Joe Strummer, or Jon Mellor, was the lead guitarist and singer of legendary punk band the Clash. Strummer started out in a psychobilly band The 101ers before joining The Clash, which was already formed by Mick Jones and Paul Simonon. Together, they created some of the best punk music ever. After the Clash, Joe Strummer formed The Mescaleros and sang in the Pogues after Shane McGowan quit the band. Just when things were getting good for Strummer again, he suddenly died of a heart attack just before Christmas. The punk rock community mourns this punk legend to this day.

5. Jimi Hendrix:

Jimi Hendrix was one of the greatest British guitar players, and he also happened to have a terrific afro. Sadly, his life was cut short when he died in London from a drug overdose. Like Elvis, he was found naked, sitting on the toilet. How embarrassing! Some skeptical fans believe he died from having sex with his current girlfriend and had a heart attack. I guess we'll never know the real story.

4. Jim Morrison:

Jim Morrison was the brilliant frontman for the Doors, and he was also an excellent poet, writer and lyricist. Some say he was one of the greatest rock singers ever. He was later given the name "The Snake King" because of his love of reptiles. He moved to Paris for a while, recorded songs with street performers. One day while touring in New Jersey, his car mysteriously went off the Stainton Memorial Causeway. The body of Jim Morrison was never found and the police declared him dead. There is a memorial of Jim Morrison in Paris in honor of the 70's singer.

3. Bob Marley:

Robert Nesta Marley was the most important reggae musicians in Jamaica if not the world. Bob was part of the reggae/rocksteady group the Wailers and recorded such hits as " Jammin'," "One Love" "No Women No Cry" and the cover of Eric Clapton's hit "I Shot the Sheriff." Bob Marley ended up having many children with various women including Rita Marley, one of his backup singers. Marley was only 35 when he passed away from cancer. His music is still quite popular to this day and his music lives on through his 20 children like Ziggy, Damien, Stephen, Jacob, Ky-Mani, Julian, and Billy.

2. Elvis Presley:

Hail to the King, baby! Elvis was the world’s greatest musicians and actors who released tons of classic albums and movies. Elvis was mostly popular in Las Vegas and played at many casinos in the 1960s. Elvis was found dead in his Vegas apartment, naked on the toilet. He apparently died from an accidental overdose and combined too many anti-anxiety pills and painkillers with sleeping pills. Taking that many over-the-counter drugs would kill anybody! His body is laid to rest in Graceland, located in Nashville, Kentucky. Elvis fans believe to this day that he walks among us.. but usually it’s just a fat guy in an Elvis jumpsuit.

1. John Lennon:

John Lennon was originally with the Beatles, but went on to become one of the biggest names in music, ever. An amazing singer and songwriter, he wrote such famous anthems as "Give Peace a Chance," "Imagine," and "Band on the Run." He was the father of two sons, Julien and Sean. On December 7, 1981, John Lennon was gunned down in the Village of NYC while standing in front of his home. It was a senseless death, caused by an even more senseless reason: The shooter, one David Graham Chapman, was an obsessed fan. Not surprisingly, he was committed to a mental institution and remains there to this day.

My Top Ten Most Transcendent Moments In Recorded Music

Fri, 01 Feb 2008 10:34:14 GMT

There are two types of people who listen to music. The first group mostly uses music as an escape, a background noise while in the car or at the gym. These people often love music as a contributing factor to their lives. The second group are those for whom music is very much an integral part of their lives, and for whom songs are more than the three or four minutes of vocals and instrumentation. For us, music is more than just art, it's a means by which we can communicate and understand the world. Needless to say, most of the staff at ReadJunk are in the latter category.

Most of the time an entire song will move or inspire someone. Many people need only to hear a song once and be hooked. But sometimes there's something even greater. It only happens once in a while, but there are distinct musical moments - just a bar or two, one vocal line, or even just the right strum of the guitar - that take a song, an album, or a band, to the next level. These moments will be different for everyone, but I thought I would share mine with you. More music lover than critic, these are those convincing pieces of music that remind all of us why it's still worth writing articles like this without being paid.

10. 1:12 into 'Falling Slowly' By Glen Hansard and Marketa Inglova

Album: Once: Motion Picture Soundtrack (2007)

I love it when a song can really give you a good wallop the first time you hear it, and even better when it's in an incredible film. This song, from Once, the breakaway film success of last summer introduced most of the world to two simple musicians whose vocal harmonies are far more symbolic than just a compliment to the melody. The first time Hansard sings his falsetto harmony on the word 'time' I realized I completely felt exactly what was going through the minds of Hansard and Inglova, whether in character or even the studio when they recorded the song. You don't need to see the film to feel the tender heartbreak of the chorus and the way the two voices sound like they were meant to sing together.

9. 3:25 into 'Try A Little Tenderness' by Otis Redding

Album: Complete And Unbelievable: The Otis Redding Dictionary of Soul (1966)

I don't think it's worth mourning over what Otis Redding could have done had he lived a bit longer, because he left behind a fantastic canon of soul classics. Blessed with one of the most incrediblevoices in pop music, Try A Little Tenderness is a song that grows from a slow and timid intro towards an explosion of passion embodied by his near unintelligibility towards the end of the song. By the time the song has grown from near nothing until its crescendo, and its most perfect moment, Redding seems almost unable to completely contain his musical personality within the realm of the song. Whether it makes you want to get up and dance or even just make you want a bit of tenderness, it's hard to believe anyone can sit still with the essence of Otis Redding nearly exploding out of their speakers.

8. 1:41 into 'Alison' by Elvis Costello

Album: My Aim Is True {1977}

As much as I love Elvis Costello, I think he was at his creative peak in 1977, with the release of My Aim Is True. I feel like some of these songs had been worked on for years, and fine-tuned to perfection. While I don't think Alison is even the best song on this album (and I'd have a whole lot of trouble picking just one favourite), this song contains the one moment where Costello proves that it doesn't matter if he's a geeky looking white guy. When he sings 'sometimes I wish that I could stop / you from talking,' the emotion in his vocals seems to carry into the music as well, and really takes the moment to another level. THe single word 'stop' is my crowning Costello moment, even if he did put together several amazing follow ups. They just didn't touch me in the same way.

7. 3:24 into 'Deathly' by Aimee Mann

Album: Magnolia Soundtrack and Bachelor no. 2 (1999)

I don't blame filmmaker Paul Thomas Anderson for centering his film Magnolia around this song's opening lyrics. Perhaps there should be more songs based on Aimee Mann lyrics. While I absolutely love this song, I think its best moment is not its filmically referenced opening line, but towards the end of the track, when producer Jon Brion's amazing production creates a climax of Mann's subdued vocals mix with a chorus of backing vocals (with an emotive 'oh please') that tends to send chills down my spine. With an already sombre song, the bombastic production coupled with Mann's incredible songwriting makes for a truly captivating few seconds in an already fantastic song.

6. 0:46 into 'I Am Trying To Break Your Heart' by Wilco

Album: Yankee Hotel Foxtrot (2002)

It was hard to pick one single Wilco moment that really defined them for me. But then I thought about the first time I heard this album, which starts out sounds unlike anything they had done up to that point. Beginning with organ drones, bells, and other noise, when the drums kick in with their unique and off-kilter beat, you know that Wilco has taken their music to a new level, a notion that is only further propagated as the album continues. Wilco are easily one of the best live bands touring today, but this is where they hit their creative in-studio peak, with an album that gorgeously produced, composed, and performed by undoubtably talent musicians.

5. 3:04 into 'Last Goodbye' by Jeff Buckley

Album: Grace (1994)

Jeff Buckley was one of the more tragic figures to emerge in the 1990s. Probably more talented than Kurt Cobain, Buckley has left even less recorded music for his public. A talented songwriter and performer, but most of all an incredible singer, Last Goodbye is both wonderfully cathartic and deeply haunting given his ultimate fate. This moment's crescendo is alleviated by Buckley's powerful voice, mixing a Zeppelinesque wail with a finely-tuned ear brings the song towards its most powerful lyrics. Stellar production, with strings and crashing drums make this the centerpiece of an already incredible album. Buckley gets to similar heights in his cover of Leonard Cohen's 'Hallelujah,' but it is here that he really shows everything he could hav been.

4. 0:00 into 'September Gurls' by Big Star

Album: #1 Record (1972)

I'm sure some would debate this, but there is good reason to believe that September Gurls is one of the best pop songs ever. And I'm not exactly sure why. But every time I hear the treble-heavy jangly guitar into to the song, it just brings a smile to my face. With better promotion, this song could have easily climbed up the charts in the early 1970s, but instead it is left as a little gem, a special gift to those who really love music.

3. 3:30 into 'Beside You' by Van Morrison

Album: Astral Weeks (1968)

I'll admit that while Astral Weeks is easily my favourite Van Morrison album, and probably one of my overall faves, 'Beside You' is probably my least loved song on the album, but mostly because the rest of them are so incredible. But what makes this moment so spectacular for me is the way Morrison delivers his 'you breathe in / you breathe out' lines so passionately and so forcefully, despite being off the beat. It heightens the tension of the song and displays further proof of Morrison's talent as a performer. The vocals sound so natural and tonally perfect that it makes you wish you could sing like that, but I don't think anyone ever will be able to again.

2. 3:01 into 'Born To Run' by Bruce Springsteen

Album: Born To Run (1975)

I think this is one of those songs that everyone knows and everybody loves for the same reasons that I do. It's also one of those songs where everyone knows what part they love most, which is when the instrumentation sounds like it's falling apart, and then a should of 'one-two-three-four' brings Bruce and the gang back into it with more soul than ever. It's hard to believe that such an incendiary moment was captured in the recording, and it's no surprise that Springsteen is known as one of the best live performers ever. If he can do this much with a simple count, imagine him singing the alphabet.

1. 2:58 into 'Armagideon Time' by The Clash

Album: Black Market Clash (1979)

I'm sure as you've read through this list, you've noticed a smattering of logical choices, less popular tracks, and interesting rationales. Many more famous critics than me will agree that The Clash are one of the most important bands of the last 30 years. But I know that for me, there is an extra special connection. When I was 13, I heard London Calling for the first time and was instantly hooked. I not only sought out every album and song the band had recorded, but began to read all about them, and soon began to idolize Joe Strummer. One of my favourite stories about him had to do with this song. He was confident that the perfect pop song was exactly 2:58. So, in advance of the recording of the band's cover of a Willie Williams reggae number, he told Kosmo Vinyl to let them know when the song had reached that length so they could end the number. You can still hear his voice on the track, as the guitars and drums pause for a dubby, bass-heavy moment. Vinyl shouts 'okay boys, let's have you out' only for Strummer to define not only music but his entire essence with the ad-libbed 'okay okay, don't push us when we're hot,' prompting the band to get right back into its groove. There's something about the mix of accidental brilliance and the natural passion for music emanating from Strummer's voice at that vey moment that convinced me fully that they were and still are the greatest band in all existence, and that in many ways, The Clash are more than just a band - they are an endless series of perfect moments that changed and continue to define the way I perceive everything else. For me, Strummer's voice in the middle of Armagideon Time is art at its very highest form, and something that immortalizes him in my mind as one of the most important musicians ever to be recorded.

March of the Wooden Soldiers: An American Classic Or Soon to be Horror Remake Classic?

Sat, 26 Jan 2008 07:06:13 GMT

I'm sure you all know the 1934 Laurel and Hardy classic flick, March of the Wooden Soldiers (or...also known as Babes in Toy land). And well, if you don't...watch the trailer :

www.youtube.com/watch?v=VPf8HTipQxc or read about it on en.wikipedia.org/wiki/March_of_the_Wooden_Soldiers.

Ever since I was little, my mom used to make me watch this movie. Not only EVERY time it came on television, but also every time she decided to take the stupid VHS out of our movie collection. And every time I did watch it, I was horrified. Recently, the more I thought about the movie, the more and more it made sense that it should be remade...into a brutal gore fest of a horror movie. I mean come on, watching parts of it makes me think I'm watching a Rob Zombie music video. (Which brings me to who I think should direct/write the remake...oh yes folks...Mr. Rob Zombie THAT'S who!). Wooden soldiers being beheaded, toys in Toy land almost being raped by Bogeymen, and wooden soldiers BATTLING.

There is even a scene with the Three Little Pigs being tortured and chained up by the movies villain, Barnaby. It's truly a disturbing and dark movie...and people don't even notice it. To everyone, it's a holiday classic. To me, it's the perfect base for one disturbingly brilliant horror movie. I think my next article will be my own personal script with these lovely ideas. Any thoughts? Anyone want to help? Let's try and make THIS idea a reality.

My Top 10 Abandoned/Haunted Places

Fri, 18 Jan 2008 04:54:47 GMT

Ever wanted to go exploring to some place you were told not to? How about visit somewhere that was supposedly haunted? Well we aren't encouraging this but if you are bored and really must set off on some adventures. ReadJunk.com resident Adventure Seeker LaLaLauren has compiled 10 places she loves to visit. Be warn, not all of these places are legal to go to, so please explore at your own risk.

10.) Blairsden Mansion - Peapack, NJ

History/Legends:

Blairsden Mansion is most popular for it's legend of a mass murder of the nuns that had lived there and the ghosts that haunt the grounds to this very day. The story goes, that, one day the usual grocery boy had showed up at the mansion to do his usual routine of picking up the groceries, and the Mother Superior had not answered his knocking at the door. He thought nothing of it, figured she forgot and left. The next day he had shown up, and the same thing had happened...no answer. The boy was concerned and called the police. What they had found was a horrible, bloody massacre. Each and every nun was torn to pieces. Now, they saw the Mother Superior had gotten herself into Paganism and wanted to convert the others. When they refused, she had tortured and killed her fellow sisters, then, killed herself.

Another legend about the Mansion, is that it was not only a convent, but also an orphanage. One day, the nuns had taken the orphans down to the waterfall (which you pass on the way up to the Mansion, if going in the back way thru the woods), and pushed each orphan over the edge, then, took their own lives and jumped.

And the last legend is one that all ghost hunters will absolutely love. There are apparently two ghosts on the path leading from the back gate to the back steps of the Mansion. The first ghost is a warning ghost...trying to scare you away from the second ghost. This second ghost is said to be the Mother Superior herself. Her objective is to lure you into the Mansion to torture and kill you...just like she supposedly did to the nuns.

My Personal Experience:

I've been to Blairsden twice. And all I've gotten from there are some amazing pictures. It's about a mile walk from the back entrance, so be prepared. It's also NOT legal to be anywhere near it (Not like that has stopped me before). We went during the day, so it was a little bit safer, especially not knowing what to expect. And honestly, that legend about the two warning ghosts scared the living crap out of me. The first time I had went, we stayed far away from the mansion. There are lights, apparently cameras, and signs EVERYWHERE saying no trespassing. I took a few pictures and we left.

The second time however, we walked all the way up to the Mansion. It's one insanely beautiful place. But too well kept, and some form of wire by each door entrance. We figured the place was alarmed, so didn't attempt to get in. This place is amazing to check out tho. If you have a love of history and of houses with creepy legends, check out this place. IN THE DAYTIME. and Be careful. Please. I don't really promote trespassing, but if you do go, take precautions!

For more information on Blairsden Mansion....

9.) Clinton Road - West Milford, NJ

History/Legends:

Where do I even begin when talking about Clinton Road? So many legends, so many stories. Clinton Road was made popular by Weird NJ magazine. A ghost boy at 'dead man's curve', KKK activity, a random red eyed wolf, and even a black truck that tried to chase you away. Clinton Road has it all! And on a side note, another wacky abandoned place located right off of Clinton, is Jungle Habitat. A once prosperous jungle safari popular in the '70's, that was closed down. Legend has it the animals left there, still bred and roam freely in the woods of Clinton Road. Spooky right? There's so many legends that I have no patience to write about right now. So next, I'll just continue on with my personal experiences at this place.

My Personal Experience:

I've been to Clinton Road MANY many times. Each time brought on a new and interesting experience. My friends and I have taken many pictures, which, when looked back on have what some may call "orbs" in them. I also decided to be ballsy a few times and walk in the woods, under the bridge and up to the water, where you're supposed to throw a penny in and a "ghost boy" throws it right back at you. Well folks. With my glasses on I can assure you I'm NOT blind, and what I saw was a little boy standing int the woods staring at me. I wish I could joke and make this story up, but, I really can't. And what did I do when I saw him? I ran...just like the song says "I ran so far away".

Another time we had gone, a park ranger had shown up and told us to leave. "Anything you had read in Weird NJ is NOT true. Leave NOW". Months later, as I'm driving down that road with some other friends, I get a text message from one of the friends I was with the night of the park ranger. She had informed me that she was reading on some website that there haven't been park rangers on that road in YEARS. Most of them were too afraid to even patrol there. So then who was that talking to us that night?

Another day, a few of us went and decided to find some of the side adventures this road has to offer. One of them being what people rumored to be a Druid temple, but it was really just an 18th-century smelter. Seeing this from the road, we decided to go park and check it out. Everything seemed fine. I was a little scared, even though it was daylight out, I still had a weird feeling about this place. We took a few pictures with our camera phones and decided to return home. On the way, I was looking at the pictures I had taken, and there was one that didn't seem right. One of the friends I had gone with, posed in front of the smelter. When looking back on the picture we took of him, there was what looked to be a little blonde haired girl standing next to him. Either whispering in his ear or...biting him. This photo scared the shit out of the three of us. Who was that girl?

Clinton Road can be fun, but other days/nights...you get nothing. Go with an open mind and who knows, you to may come in contact with that mysterious park ranger. But, just like any other place, be forewarned, there are now No Trespassing signs in the woods...so just stay close to your car and don't go wandering. :)

For the legends, and lots of information and more stories on Clinton Road check out http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clinton_road as well as http://weirdnj.com/stories/_roads02.asp

8.) The Concord Resort - Monticello/Kiamesha Lake, NY

History:

The Concord was once a world famous resort, and the largest in the region, until it's closing in 1998. Now, it's famous for it's insanely huge golf course. With 1,500 guest rooms, and a dining hall able to fit 3,000 the Concord was certainly beautiful. It's currently being restored, and hopefully will be just as popular and just as beautiful as it once was.

My Personal Experience:

The Concord is NOT haunted. It's a little creepy, but, to my knowledge, not haunted. It's one of the most interesting places I've explored and a must check out for you fellow explorers. Not only are there over a thousand guest rooms to explore, but, keep in mind it's a resort as well so there's plenty more than just your average abandoned hotel. There are pools, skating rinks, auditoriums, bars...you name it, this resort has it.

It's an amazing find. Photographers and explorers be careful when visiting. Honestly, go at night and BE CAREFUL.

For more information on the Concord

7.) Letchworth Village - Haverstraw, NY

History/Legends:

Built in 1908, Letchworth Village was a home for the feeble minded and epileptic. Letchworth was closed down in 1996, with some buildings on the property being reused, while others are left abandoned. There have been many ghost stories relating to Letchworth Village. According to a story I had read in the book Weird NY, patients were apparently tortured, treated unfairly, teased, and beaten. With that, it's said to be haunted with the spirits of these tortured patients.

My Personal Experience:

The first few times exploring Letchworth, not much happened. I had "thought" I heard footsteps, but, eh...when you're scared your mind will make up things.

Another time we had went, our favorite ReadJunk webmaster, Bryan, had come with myself and two other friends. We had a bit of a run in with the Haverstraw police, and instead of just approaching the cop car like I did, Bryan decided to jump behind a tree, landing in...dog poo. (You can read his full encounter: here ).

A few more times, no luck with finding anything scary or crazy. Not even in the morgue.

Then one random night, my friend and her boyfriend had wanted to check the place out, so off we went. We decided to park behind the main building and check that one out first. Once you walk in, the first area you come across is the library. Months prior, some idiot teenagers decided to start a fire, which destroyed almost every book and piece of furniture still left standing. As we're each picking up what was left of books and folders, a loud banging on metal came from behind us. I, of course scream. We look over, and there was a large metal box behind us, by the door we came in. My friends boyfriend went over to check it out, and noticed it wasn't plugged in, there was no electricity kicking on in it (there was absolutely no source of power in the buildings anyway), and there were no animals in the area of the building that we were in (and if there were, it would have been a mouse, which was way too small to make a sound that loud). So what the hell happened? We ran back to the car. I freaked out and didn't want to go back to exploring. What do we do five minutes later? Check out some more of the buildings on the property. I did in fact find a Special Olympics medal in one of the drawers of another building :). So that calmed down my big fright from earlier.

Letchworth is insanely creepy. I found a fallout shelter under one building, which had probably the worst vibe in the whole place. The morgue, well, that's self explanatory. With drawers still intact and even some operating tables, the morgue of Letchworth is a must find. So many buildings, so much to explore.

But if you do go, do NOT go in a large group. Many arrests have been made. The police are just keeping a lookout so another fire doesn't get set on this beautiful place.

For more information on Letchworth Village

6.) Goshen Farmhouse (The Nathaniel White House) - Goshen, NY

History/Legends:

In 1991 and 1992, Orange County resident Nathaniel White had brutally raped and murdered 5 women and a teenage girl at his home in Goshen, NY. After they were murdered, he took the bodies and had dumped them in the swamp directly behind the house, and also up in the woods that lead to the burnt down remains of the once popular Hillcrest Manor Restaurant. (and only a few miles away from Arden Hill Hospital). Sentenced to 150 years to life in prison, the house has been abandoned since. Ghost hunters and trespassers absolutely love this place. The surrounding grounds and the house itself are supposedly haunted with the spirits of those women murdered all those years ago.

My Personal Experience:

I had recently posted a blog on this site about my experiences at the Nathaniel White house, so I'll directly link it in here so I don't have to write it all up all over again :)

There isn't much information out there about this place, but there ARE tons of pictures. For some good ones, check it out here

5.) Devil's Tower - Alpine, NJ

History/Legends:

Devil's Tower was built in the 1900's by millionaire Manuel Rionda, and dedicated to his wife Harriet. It's the center piece of a rich estate called the Rio Vista. One night, while staring out a window on the top of the tower, Harriet had witnessed her husband cheating on her. So distraught over what she had seen, she jumped from the window. Some other random history that I had come across, is that of satanic rituals taking place in the tower.

Legend has it that if you go to the tower late at night, and either walk around it backwards, or drive around backwards six times you're supposed to encounter the ghost of the wife, and some say you even see the Devil himself.

My Personal Experience:

I've been to the Devil's Tower A LOT, and absolutely nothing creepy or odd has happened to me. Then again, I also never went at night...because I'm too scared. It is however, a great place to take pictures, and the tragic history is pretty nifty. One of these days I'll attempt to check it out at night. If you do go, good luck :)

4.) The Rusty Nail - Middletown, NY

History:

Unfortunately, I don't know too much of the history on this place. All I do know, is that it was mighty popular when it was up and open. Now, it's run down, abandoned and up for sale.

My Personal Experience:

It's not haunted, but this place is pretty damn awesome. The basement is where all the fun is. :Leftover beer mugs, wine glasses, cooking utensils...so many goodies! The Rusty Nail is a lot of fun to explore if you're bored and want a quick adventure.

3.) Slaughter Road - Middletown, NY

History/Legend:

Not much history to this place, but years ago a friend of mine told me about this road. Apparently, a guy went psycho and had wrote a list, under the bridge on this road, a list of names the crossed off as he killed each person. Legend has it, if you drive down this road at a certain time of night, and come across a barn, you'll see bodies hanging in one of the windows. Creepy right? An another crazy legend is that if you decide to find out for yourself if there really are names under the bridge, you'll find your own name on that list...and that psychotic lunatic will come after you next. ;)

My Personal Experience:

Since it's right down the road from my house, I bring fellow explorers and ghost hunters to Slaughter Road ALL the time, and we've definitely witnessed A LOT. My first experience there, a friend of mine and I decided to bring a Ouija board. As were were playing around with it, a car stopped to talk to us. Turns out, it was a friend of mine from an old job who just happened to be ghost hunting with a friend of his. To really test out the hauntings of the road, we took the Ouija outside of the car, and decided to ask it a few questions about the girl that was in the car with my friend. What was her name, and how old was she? Was our first question. The answer we got on the board was "Martha...20". So I asked "Martha" for her license and...well...her name WAS indeed Martha and she was indeed 20 years old. That freaked us out...just a bit. So we continue to play around with the board, as my buddy that we ran into, and his friend took a tape recorder and were trying to get some EVP recordings.

And they certainly did. I wish I had a copy of that tape...we weren't sure exactly what we were hearing, but it did sound like whispering. Creepy eh?

Every other time I've gone to Slaughter Road, we've heard foot steps, gotten "orbs" in pictures, seen shadows walking towards us. This road lives up to it's name. DEFINITELY check it out. It's the one place on here that isn't trespassing ;).

2.) The Middletown Psych Center - Middletown, NY

History/Legends:

There aren't many legends that I've heard about this place. A few friends had told me how amazingly awesome it is to explore, and I can't find out any history online unfortunately. :(

My Personal Experience:

I recently wrote a blog about my experiences at this place...so if you haven't read it, enjoy it

here

And now...for my #1 Haunted/Abandoned place....in case you hadn't figured it out already.... :)

1.) The Salesian School - Goshen, NY

History/Legends:

Well, some GOOD history about the Salesian, is that famous comedian George Carlin attended school here. And that's pretty much the only good thing to come out of this Catholic School for boys. On the night of August 9th, 1964, a nine year old boy named Paul Ramos, fell/was pushed/jumped off the roof to his death . The case has only been re-investigated within the last few years. The new coroner's observation is that the distance from the boy's body to the wall seems too far to suggest he had simply fallen off the roof. Disputes over the time of death, uncooperative staff, and student records missing in a 1970 fire, have all been dilemma's in solving the cause of the boy's death. It was suspected that the priests had abused the boys, leading too many of them to commit suicide. (one drowning in the swamp, one hanging himself in the tower, and even the boy who 'fell' off the roof)

My Personal Experience:

I've written a few articles on the Salesian:

here

and here

Hearing footsteps, and voices. Feeling a cold presence in the chapel area of the school. Seeing faces in the windows of doors. This place is by far the most haunted place I've been too. Unfortunately, the house on the property has been torn down, and where it once stood, they're in the process of building a park. As for the school, it still stands, but highly secured with gates, and constantly patrolled by police. (I have indeed gotten arrested going here...so...be forewarned...).

-All of these places are amazing. If you do have any questions about any of the above mentioned sites, feel free to email me: lalalauren311@yahoo.com / or myspace me : www.myspace.com/lalalauren311

I hope this article sparked some interest in explorers and non explorers alike.

On the Inherent Dangers Of Overthinking While Cleaning the Closet

Sun, 13 Jan 2008 01:48:28 GMT

Once, way back in that delightful high-rolling decade known as the 90’s, I was a bored kid who had his own pointless website on the totally free web space provided by that delightful America Online. I don’t remember too much about it, but one article I do remember was called Adventures in Cleaning a Closet. Basically, I had cleaned my closet, found some long-lost stuff, and decided this was interesting enough for a vaguely smartass article for the consumption of the general public.

Well, now that I have a snazzy new job I hope to move in a few months, and in preparation for this I have decided to sell off a lot of my old, long-boxed-and-stuck-in-the-closet stuff. Why? More backup money in the bank, less stuff to haul around. Pretty simple, right?

I'm a bit timid about the idea. This is my lifetime collection I'm considering dismantling. All kinds of collected trinkets, toys, and other assorted collectibles have been taking up room in boxes for so much time it’s not even funny. Being the Star Wars nerd that I am, I naturally have boxes upon boxes of collected figures and other random crap (and I do mean crap). Of course, I’ll probably never part with ALL of this stuff, and as it is, I’m only getting rid of, maybe, a third of my collection. I’m also planning to get rid of a lot of books.

Why, if I was so intent on collecting this stuff, has it been sitting in my closet? I’d like to say I’d matured to the point that I no longer desire toys or other goofy collectibles, but that’s just hooey. It’d be more accurate to say my tastes have matured. Random 3.5” Star Wars action figures have given way to highly detailed Sideshow or RAH 1/6 scale collectibles. Same with Transformers, with years of random older ones being replaced by far more detailed and, dare I say it, stunning modern versions like the Masterpiece or Alternators lines. Random cool-looking toys are being replaced by more beautiful and detailed PVC statues. Even with the books – ratty old used paperbacks or cheaply produced hardcovers are giving way to fancy long-lasting editions from publishers like Easton Press or the Folio Society.

So here I am, shoving aside piles of old books and going through my boxes, and it’s just depressing seeing all this random useless crap that I thought was so awesome and collectible. I found a bunch of Beanie Babies – the “OMG SUPER RARE THESE ARE GOING TO BE WORTH HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS!!” ones that I’d picked up during my time selling the stupid things at Fuzziwig’s – and they’re all completely valueless now. Sure, I’ll admit there are a couple that I actually like, such as the green four-leaf-clover bear or that adorable red dog, but still. I have boxes of stuff like that – stuff that was supposed to become valuable and highly collectible but was completely devalued in a more collection-conscious world. Comic books, action figures, even collector’s plates. I’m kind of glad I don’t have huge binders full of otherwise worthless baseball cards anymore. Looking back on all my hopes for my various collections, I just get depressed.

So far I’ve been mostly looking through Star Wars related boxes, I just sigh at the countless wasted dollars that had been spent on figures that were displayed for a year or two only to be stuffed away in a box for several more years. I don’t even understand my own collection. If I put all my Greedos and Jar Jars together, they’d count over a dozen, and I don’t even like those two characters. Don't even get me started on how thrilled I was every time they released a new "Darth Vader In Slightly Different Pose!" figure. I was a total slave to the “collector’s market”, buying up anything that might be cool to have, anything with those special brands attached. While I’m still taken over by this impulse on occasion, it’s largely been reigned in.

I suppose I should be handing out trite watered-down tidbits bastardized from highly philosophical, thoughtful sayings about how possessions are the cause of unhappiness, or something along those lines. But that would be a load of crock, as they say. Every day I’m at war with myself over this. Part of me truly does believe that that all this ‘stuff’ is ultimately useless, and that there are better ways to spend my money and energy. But you know what? Most of me still thinks it’s just to damn cool to give up completely. I know, somewhere deep down, that I’ll just be getting rid of all this junk only to replace it with more junk that will eventually wear out its welcome. I know, somewhere deep down, that this is all a waste. But what can I say? This is part of who I am. I’m a collector by my very nature, and I’m nowhere near the level of enlightenment or discipline that will allow me to transcend all this collecting. Perhaps someday I will get there, but for now all I can do is shake my head at the boxes, turn around, look up at my shelves, and say “Damn, that is one awesome Masterpiece Megatron.”

Asian Horror Remakes: Excellent? Or just plain AWFUL?

Sun, 13 Jan 2008 11:36:24 GMT

Hollywood is running out of ideas for GOOD horror movies, so what do directors/producers/and writers do? That's right...turn to the horror masters, the Asians, and remake their masterpieces.

I absolutely LOVE Asian horror movies. They're probably the most disturbing movies out there, even tho most of the time you have the read subtitles, visually, they're amazing (which, is actually what a GOOD horror movie should be). When gory, they're brutal, when haunting, they scare the shit out of you. They're just damn good entertainment.

But now, Hollywood is on this kick, and remaking all of my favorites. And by remaking, I mean destroying.

The Grudge, I'll admit, was pretty scary at times. But compared to the original (Ju-On), it's nothing. I didn't even bother with the sequel, from the trailers alone it looked like a piece of garbage, just trying to earn more money than the first one...from the name alone.

The Ring (Original trilogy simply called Ringu), was actually really really good. It was disturbing, scary, and kept up with the original as much as possible. Its sequel however, I did have the displeasure of seeing. Not only was it slow moving and boring, but, over 50 deer attacking Naomi Watts' car? Are we serious now? Come on. Apparently, there's a third in the works, a prequel from what I hear. Could be good. Could be awful. I'm guessing it to be pretty goddamn awful tho.

I remember sitting down watching TV one day, and coming across a commercial for One Missed Call, yet another remake. Are you KIDDING me? They turned it into some usual bullshit teen horror flick. And it's sad you can tell that just from watching the preview. It looks like garbage, and looks like every other piece of shit horror movie that has been coming out lately. Turns out it's exactly what I thought. I frequently check out the site www.horror-fanatics.com, and of course, every review of that movie, is just what i thought it would be...pure shit.

The Eye is probably one of my all time favorite (not only Asian) horror movies. It's scary as hell, extremely disturbing, and beautifully done. What could be scarier than a blind girl getting an eye transplant (with a dead woman's eyes...yuck...a bit too creepy even for me), while the surgery was successful, the girl starts seeing EVERYTHING the donar had seen. I don't want to give too much more away, just go watch it!

When I was informed that they were remaking it, starring...Jessica Alba, I was a bit intrigued. Until I saw the trailers. Yet again, another screw up...

Before you bother going to see the remake in February, PLEASE do yourself a favor and rent/buy the original. Trust me. You'll love it. Especially the ending...ahh..absolutely amazing.

The Eye (original): www.youtube.com/watch?v=eoA6dxLeWFo

Some more remakes are in the works : A Tale of Two Sisters (probably one of the most brutal out of all that I've seen), and Phone (very similar to One Missed Call).

What's next? Re-doing one of the most brutal ones of them all, Suicide Club, and making it PG-13 just like all of the others?

Suicide Club: www.youtube.com/watch?v=42oKrR_Y48Y

Phone: www.youtube.com/watch?v=zKfiFW8bxbA

A Tale of Two Sisters: www.youtube.com/watch?v=JMoKAdhXrvk

Come on. Seriously? Even Battle Royale (another amazing flick) was copied in the movie The Condemned (starring Stone Cold Steve Austin).

Watch the trailers, and you tell me it's not the same f-ing plot!

Battle Royale: www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-T7yPJVvXw

The Condemned: www.youtube.com/watch?v=fqlz_u7RvjA

These movies really need to stop being remade, or remade correctly, not just to make money. They're being made to please the young crowd (13yrs old and younger), and they're pissing off horror lover's like me.

If you're like me, and love a good scare, please don't waste your time with these remakes, and enjoy the originals! I promise, you won't be let down! :)

Ask Dr. Jeff: Episode 2

Thu, 03 Jan 2008 08:35:12 GMT

Dear Dr. Jeff,
How do you deal with unruly family members during the Christmas holidays? Do you have any good tips because this will be one long turkey dinner if I don't get your help!
Sincerely,

Extended Families R Teh Suck!

Dear Extended,

There are different methods to deal with unruly family members at different times of the year. For example, a pile of Cherry Icee-filled water balloons will do wonders during the summer. But Christmas is that special, wonderful time of year when families come together and worship the birth of Jesus by yelling at each other and generally making everybody’s life miserable. What, you ask, is the solution? Well, at Christmastime, I recommend finding the nearest fruitcake and throwing it at the head of any unruly family member within a good firing distance. This has a double benefit as you can enjoy eating the wonderful, glorious fruitcake in silence once said family member is unconscious on the floor. And yes, fruitcake is glorious. Don’t listen to the stereotypes that would have you believe they’re a big flavorless rock of a cake. Have you ever actually eaten one? I didn’t think so. Try it. You’ll see.

Dear Dr. Jeff,

I deal with children that are far too noisy. What brand of soap do you recommend I wash their mouth out with?

Sincerely,

Mr. Teacherstein

Dr Mr Teacherstein,

Soap is outdated. I recommend superglue. If superglue cannot be found, I recommend Krazy Glue. The kids love Krazy Glue because its evil corporate overlords spelled “crazy” with a K. That’s like ending a pluralized word with the letter “z” instead of “s”, and you know how those kidz love that.

But right about now, you might be thinking “But Dr. Jeff, won’t parents be angry if I glue their kids’ mouths shut?” Well, as a super-expert doctor of stuff, allow me to reassure you. The human body is constantly shedding its outer layers (fun fact: dust is mostly made of dead skin!), so eventually the glue will fail simply because the flesh it was binding has shed itself and been replaced with some happy new stuff. So you simply need reassure the parents that it’s only temporary. Once the parents realize they temporarily won’t have to deal with their kids whining about everything, they will build you a throne of gold and carry you forth on their shoulders.

Dear Dr. Jeff, the other day, my nose fell off. What is the best glue to put it back on with?

Dear strange extra-anonymous person,

Well, given that last q&a, you’d think I’d suggest krazy glue, wouldn’t you? HA! Fooled you! Ahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaa!! Actually, it’s a scientific superfact that the best way to reattach a severed nose is with a staple gun. Once stapled in place, tiny parasites will work to reattach the wayward body part to your face, and if you’re REALLY lucky, some extra tiny cockroaches will miraculously show up to reattach your olfactory nerves and you’ll once again have that most useless of all senses: smell! Yay.

Dr. Jeff,

What kind of leash should I use on Brett? I think choke-chains are too harsh, but the cloth ones just don't seem to keep him in line! Help!

Sincerely,

Brett's owner

Dear Brett’s Owner,

You can acquire a wide variety of safe bondage leashes at your local dirty pervert sex shop. If you’re some kind of ridiculous prude and sex shops don’t work for you, I suggest the choke chain. How will you know if you’re using it effectively? Brett’s eyes will cross, and his tongue will protrude and change color, ever so slightly.

Dear Dr. Jeff

Dude, when did you become a Dr? Dosn't it take like, years of school? I thought you dropped out of CLC!

Your best buddy Los Marcos Amigos

Dear Los Marcos,

I’d like to relate a story. Once upon a time, there was a magical gnome named Zangy. Zangy traveled to a far distant land, many years’ travel from his home, and found a box. The box was locked with an elaborate and rather ornate lock. Unfortunately Zangy had no key for this lock, yet he was burning with curiosity to know what the box held. What did he do? He “thought outside the box” by acquiring an ax (as opposed to the no-doubt ornate key that would have unlocked the lock) and chopped the box open. Unfortunately he was rather overzealous in his task and ended up destroying the contents of the box along with the box itself, but I’m pretty sure it contained two comic books and a bar of gold. The moral of the story is: if you have a plush gorilla, consider yourself lucky. They’re totally adorable. Also, they sometimes hand out doctorates. Go figure.

Dear Dr. Jeff,

I have an annoying, paranoid co-worker who thinks people are always out to get her. What is the best way to completely drive her around the bend, thus making her quit?

Thanks

Judith

Dear Judith,

Today I drew green smiley faces all over my hand. Having said that, allow me to solve your problem. If there’s one thing I learned from working in a toy store, it’s that nobody appreciates a severed finger. But that’s probably going too far. The wimpy way out would involve an elaborate zany scheme, one most likely utilizing a box of Rice Crispies, a roll of duct tape, a duck call, five of those little paper umbrellas they put in cocktails, and a pair of those fake glasses with the fake plastic eyebrows, nose, and mustache. I’m sure I needn’t spell out what you will do with these items, but rest assured, you will soon be rid of your annoying coworker.

Dear Dr. Jeff,

I have a growth. What should I do about it?

Sincerely

Jamie Lynn

Dear Jamie Lynn,

As Optimus Prime once said, “We don't have enough energon cubes to power a full-scale assault. Ready the shuttle for launch. Now all we need is a little energon and a lot of luck.” If that doesn’t solve your problem, nothing will.

Dear Dr Jeff,

My wife is pregnant and wants to name the baby. I always wanted to name my kid Kuato after the character in Total Recall. How do I make this happen?

- Quaid

Dear Quaid,

Total Recall is one of the most disgustingly overrated movies ever. Seriously, what’s wrong with you? If you’re going to name a kid after a character in a movie, choose something that both you and your wife can agree on. May I suggest Mechagodzilla? And if either of you doesn’t agree with naming your kid Mechagodzilla, you should be ashamed of yourselves and I would heartily recommend ten years of silent seclusion, contemplation, and self flagellation. And no, “self flagellation” is not a euphemism for anything sexual. Look it up.

…well, okay. Some people might enjoy that kind of thing. But that’s not the point. The point is that it’s okay to horribly torment yourself for not agreeing to my idea of a great pop culture name for your child. And you know how kids with stupid geeky names get beaten up at school? Well, who the hell is going to mess with someone named Mechagodzilla? Nobody, that’s who!

Dear Dr. Jeff,

I'm stuck working on both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. What is the best way to "get rid of" (wink, wink) my boss once and for all without the pesky fuzz, FBI, and CIA getting on my tail? I'd like to give him a nice Christmas stuffing, if you know what I'm saying.

Sincerely,

Disgruntled in California

First of all, Disgruntled, think about what you just said. “I'd like to give him a nice Christmas stuffing”? That’s what consenting, loving adults do in the privacy of a cheap, disgusting motel. Secondly, if you ever want to get out of work, I must steal someone else’s suggestion and tell you to fake your own death. But wait, you say! Isn’t that a bit extreme? NO! Nothing is EVER to extreme when it comes to getting out of work. Now, I know you wish you were paid millions of dollars every year to write the occasional super-brilliant advice column, just like me. But not everyone can experience that life. If, however, faking your own death is going too far for your taste, I would recommend simply distracting this boss with something – donuts generally do the trick. Leave a trail of donuts heading out the boss’s office and into a heavily forested wilderness. With a little luck, you won’t see your boss for weeks, if not months, and you have the satisfaction of knowing that instead of committing a horrible crime, you have merely led a lost soul back to nature. With donuts!

Well kids, that’s all for this exciting edition of Ask Dr. Jeff. Send in your questions and I’ll see you next time!

Dan's Best in Music 2007: Part 2

Fri, 28 Dec 2007 10:33:45 GMT

So this is where you can really make fun of me for having too much time on my hands. I sat and thought about it, and put together my top 50 albums of the year. While I listen to a range of genres, the styles I tend to prefer really tend to reflect in my numbering. This was a hard year because I had no single favourite album and really had to think about it before picking. But, without further ado....

Top 50 Albums of the Year

1. The Besnard Lakes - Are The Dark Horse

Believe me, this was no easy decision. I didn't even really like this album on first listen, but there was something compelling me to listen to it over and over again. And it was when I bought it on vinyl that it started becoming clearer to me. Infusing retro 60s and 70s sounds with dreamy, almost David Lynch-ian soundscapes, this sounds like saccharine ethereal nightmare music at its best. Also, this is easily one of the best sequenced albums of the year, with each track flowing perfectly into the next.

2. Field Music - Tones of Town

A near-perfect pop album that clocks in at just over a half hour. With quirky off-tempo rhythms, and interesting hooks, it's hard not to compare these guys to XTC. But then again, that's not a bad thing; they seem to be the only band around that plays this type of fractured pop, and with each song so short and quick, this album is over before you even know it, highlighted by its stellar closer, 'She Can Do What She Wants'. Fun, short, and catchy. I couldn't imagine it any way else.

3. Band of Horses - Cease To Begin

Most of the blogosphere tended to agree that BoH's previous album was superior to this one, but I'm a firm believer in the opposite. While their previous album might have been more cohesive as a whole, I tend to prefer more of the songs on this one. Or maybe I just started listening to it at the right time where it really got to me. It's fun, almost alarmingly simple, and catchy as hell. I may not listen to it in a year's time, but for 2007, it was among my most played.

4. Feist - The Reminder

Like Band of Horses, most people's general consensus was that the sophomore disc wasn't as good as the first. But I really, really love this one, far moreso than Let It Die. I think track for track, this one is way more interesting, accessible, and really beautifully performed. Try not to start dancing by the time '1 2 3 4' comes on.

5. The National - Boxer

The National seemed to have toned down their sound a little bit from their previous disc, but I think it benefits them. Highlighted by low-toned and beautifully delivered vocals, along with one of the better indie rock drummers around, this album plays melancholy better than anyone else this year. These guys are only going to get better.

6. Jens Lekman - Night Falls Over Kortedala

Lekman is painfully out of date with his sound, but he knows it and embraces it. Using the baroque pop of the 1960s as a template, he crafts touching and at times humorous pop songs that blend simple songwriting with loops, orchestration, and danceable beats.

7. Tranzmitors - Tranzmitors

One of two albums on here that I wouldn't have heard if I wasn't a reviewer for this site. This one ranks so high because quite frankly, it really is that good, and I can't stress enough how important it is for you to go listen to it right now. There may not be a better power pop band playing right now, and this debut album proves it.

8. Battles - Mirrored

Probably the best indication of where music is going. Blending prog-rock, electronica, and instrumental craftsmanship, Battles is the result of four incredibly talented musicians coming together and putting an explosion of ideas and sound together on one disc. There is without a doubt, no other band like them.

9. The Twilight Sad - Fourteen Autumns and Fifteen Winters

Despite the super-emo band and album name, this Scottish band plays heavy and powerful guitar rock that yes, carries some degree of weighty emotion. But I think what sets them apart is their lead vocalists strong (and heavily accented) vocal delivery, that sounds simultaneously sincere and urgent. A stellar debut that only shows promise of more excellent music.

10. Iron and Wine - The Shepherd's Dog

I was all ready to call this the album of the year after I heard leadoff single 'Boy With A Coin' during the summer. While the rest of the album is strong and enjoyable, it just doesn't really measure up. It's more indicative of Sam Beam's growth as a songwriter and musician, but he really doesn't transcend musically the way I think I wished he did. Nevertheless, a very exciting album with a continually expansive musical style.

11. Chromeo - Fancy Footwork

It's hard not to love this album. The tongue-in-cheek 80s synth pop might be seen as a novelty, but there's a considerable amount of craft used to put it together. It's also the type of album that makes road trips more fun.

12. Of Montreal - Hissing Fauna, Are You The Destroyer?

I never thought I would enjoy this album; after the first time I heard it, I was really turned off by the whiny vocals and faux-disco sounds. But then a friend played it for me in a different context, and it all made sense to me. It's like a heavily drugged out dance-pop record that needs to be ingested as a whole, rather than as separate tracks. It gets addictive pretty quickly.

13. Josh Ritter - The Historical Conquests Of...

Don't get me wrong. Josh Ritter is one of my favourite singer/songwriters still performing, and last year's The Animal Years was and still is one of my all time favourite albums. But I guess I had astronomical expectations for this one, and when it was delivered, I was slightly disappointed. Not that it was bad by any means, but it didn't have tracks with the same immediacy as his last one. That's not to say that there aren't some great songs here, but I think that I just wanted this one to be incredible and it's just very good.

14. Justice - t

This was one of my most enjoyable records of the year. It's pretty simplistic at times, but the catchy synth-dance stuff seemed to really strike a chord with me this year. I got into Daft Punk more than ever before, and I discovered Justice, and I'm thankful I did, because this is a solid album.

15. Burial - Untrue

I'll admit that I only listened to this album at first because of all of the buzz it was getting. But I think the accolades were merited; there is something unbelievably creepy and dark about this album, with its synth swells, punchy beats, and various vocal loops and mixes. It's also best listened to late at night.

16. Explosions in the Sky - All of a Sudden I Miss Everyone

I don't know if this album is any better than their previous work, but it is by no means any worse. It's the sign of a solid band putting out more solid work, and it makes for great background music, yet at the same time is almost always very listenable.

17. Wilco - Sky Blue Sky

Wilco are one of my all-time favourite bands, and THE best live act performing today. I was a bit underwhelmed by their latest album, not because they sounded like they're going soft, but because I know that these songs will sound so much better live. There are also a couple of throwaway songs that really make the record slow down a bit in the middle. Still, it's Wilco, and that alone makes the record pretty dear to me.

18. Spoon - Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga

While taking the cake for worst album title, this is further proof that Spoon can't release a bad album. It might mean that Britt Daniel is some kind of songwriting genius, or just that he has the formula down pat. Whichever one you believe, this album is more proof that sometimes simplicity just plain works.

19. Menomena - Friend and Foe

This album is a lot of fun because it seems to always through change-ups in tempo, instrumentation, and lots of quick and punchy pop hooks. With some of my favourite drumming and some really great songs, I think its biggest problem is that it runs just a bit too long. But otherwise, these guys sound like they'd be incredible live.

20. Okkervil River - The Stage Names/Golden Opportunities Mixtape

While I didn't love this Okkervil River album as much as their previous one, there's something so appealing and alluring about Will Sheff's vocal delivery and his usually clever lyrics. What I think completed my enjoyment of the album was the recently (online) released Golden Opportunities Mixtape, full of some really interesting covers. They show the group's ability to make other songs into their own.

21. James Blackshaw - The Cloud of Unknowing

22. LCD Soundsystem - Sound of Silver

23. Laura Veirs - Saltbreakers

24. Glen Hansard and Marketa Inglova - Once Soundtrack

25. Andrew Bird - Armchair Apocrypha

26. Stars - In Our Bedroom After The War

27. Apostle of Hustle - National Anthem of Nowhere

28. Broken Social Scene Presents Keven Drew - Spirit If...

29. The Good, The Bad, and the Queen - The Good, The Bad, and the Queen

30. The Go! Team - Proof of Youth

31. The Broken West - I Can't Go On, I'll Go On

32. Do Make Say Think - You, You're A History In Rust

33. Kanye West - Graduation

34. Patrick Wolf - The Magic Position

35. Ryan Adams - Easy Tiger

36. Ted Leo and the Pharmacists - Living With The Living

37. Jim Bryson - Where the Bungalows Roam

38. Loney, Dear - Loney, Noir

39. The Twang - Love It When It Feels Like This

40. Voxtrot - Voxtrot

41. Buffalo Tom - Three Easy Pieces

42. Modest Mouse - We Were Dead Before The Ship Even Sank

43. The New Pornographers - Challengers

44. The Clientele - God Save The Clientele

45. Scott Walker - And Who Shall Go The The Ball? And What Shall Go To The Ball?

46. Dirty Projectors - Rise Above

47. The Shins - Wincing The Night Away

48. The WinterKids - Memoirs

49. Dntel - Dumb Luck

50. Bloc Party - A Weekend In The City

That's all, dog. Questions? Complaints? Please post below and I won't do anything about them.