20 Things They Don’t Tell New Parents

Articles | Jun 10th, 2007

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I blame my father… He once told me in high school “I hope you have ten kids, and they act just like you.” I have just become the father of a beautiful little girl, who by all accounts, acts just like me… damn you Dad.

When you buy anything, whether it be a new car or a new blender… it comes with a manual of instructions on how to use it properly, and troubleshooting tips. All that comes with a new baby is a placenta, which is hideous and of little help. Here now, are twenty things they don’t tell you when you become a new parent…

1. Babies pretty much do four things…
a. Sleep
b. Eat
c. Pee/Poop
d. Scream

2. Babies are strong… no, really… if you try to move their limbs against their will, they can stop you.

3. You will go through at least 10 diapers per day… the diapers I buy are $22.99 per case of 96… that’s a cost of about 25 cents per diaper. Factor in 2 years for the baby to be in diapers (roughly) and you’ll have spent $1,825.00 just on something that gets filled with human excrement.

4. You can hold a baby and put them to sleep in 5 minutes, they will sleep in your arms for 6 hours, but as soon as you set them down they will cry.

5. Babies like when you sing to them, especially in a high pitched voice. It doesn’t matter what you sing… I sing Career Opportunities by The Clash, and Shut Your Fucking Face, Unclefucker to my daughter, and she loves it, although I’ll have to stop before she can talk.

6. You will get pissed on, shit on, puked on… and it won’t bother you a bit.

7. You will no longer be able to sleep for more than 3 hours at a shot… enjoy.

8. You know how sometimes its nice to just hop in the car and go for a nice long drive somewhere… yeah, well that’ll never happen again with a screaming baby.

9. Formula fed babies shit green mud… Breast fed babies shit seedy mustard. My child blends both.

10. Women who have just had babies are FUCKING CRAZY! Seriously… watch everything you say and do, because you will undoubtedly trigger an emotional clusterbomb.

11. The minute you remove the baby’s diaper is when they will pee with the force of a pressure washer… even little girls can shoot a stream of urine towards your face, and if you’re not quick… well… you’re wet.

12. Pacifiers only work if the baby feels like sucking on it.

13. Calming a crying baby is a process of elimination… check the diaper, burp them, feed them, eventually they’ll stop… hopefully before you have a nervous breakdown.

14. Raising your voice at a baby, or telling them to stop crying not only does not work… but also makes you look like an asshole.

15. The only way I’ve been able to get a bib on my daughter is while she’s still sleeping… once their hands start swinging like a shaolin monk, you try tying a bib around their neck.

16. Two words… Diaper Genie.

17. Even a newborn can fling themselves in the opposite direction of your support… be aware of how strong they are. I almost dropped my daughter when she was 2 days old because she threw herself to the left while I was burping her.

18. No matter what kind of thermometer you buy, the doctor will not accept any temperature you give them unless it’s done rectally… so don’t shell out $50.00 on temporal lobe thermometers, or ear ones.

19. Stock up on formula… that $20.00 27ounce can of powder only lasts about a week or so now… Get a membership to Sam’s Club or other big bulk shopping centers.

20. Just remember to have fun with it… my daughter is almost a month old now and I can’t believe how quickly the weeks have gone. Time really does fly, and they do really grow up quick… just remember, when your kid is older don’t ever wish 10 kids on them that act just like they do.