The need to urinate after sex is the body’s way of expelling bacteria. So says brainy scientists with their fancy shmancy college diplomas and big $20 words. I believe the need for guys to get up and drain the lizard is nature’s defense mechanism against cuddling. Take your time and she just might have fallen asleep, saving you the lameness of cuddling and allowing you the time to play video games or masturbate to the Internet.
However, not everyone has a cooperative bladder. That is where these courses of action can help:
25. Scream out “Hey Look!!” and then quickly run away
24. Sneak away slowly until you fall off the bed
23. Tell her you have a really bad bladder and you might pee on yourself
22. Give her the “I have a meeting in the morning” line
21. Install a catapult on your side of the bed for a James Bond getaway
20. Leave the stove on so you can “turn it off” later
19. Eat 20 tacos beforehand and then give her the Dutch Oven
18. Start to sing “If you’re Happy and You Know It” over and over
17. Turn the TV on and put on “What Not To Wear”
16. If you know you’re having sex at a certain time, have your friend call you three minutes later.
15. Pretend that there are spiders in your bed and start to freak out
14. Every time she tries to talk, use an air horn
13. Bath your feet in an ice bucket prior to cuddling.
12. Don’t brush your teeth for a week.
11. Eat an onion and then burp right into her face
10. Hide one of your old gym socks in her pillow and “try to” investigate where the smell is coming from
9. Keep your cell hidden under your pillow and secretly call her phone.
8. Straighten out your leg hair so they are uncomfortable quills.
7. Eat a tuna fish sandwich right in the bed
6. Tell her you have to go to the bathroom to get massage oils but never come back
5. Escape like a ninja and use a smoke bomb
4. Have a twin brother that you don’t tell her about. Have him hide in the closet and then suddenly appear and pretend to be a You from an alternate space-time continuum and have him shout that you must hurry and get dressed because THE THREADS OF THE UNIVERSE ARE UNRAVELING!!
3. Blow your nose with her hair
2. Buy a magician’s bed where there is a trap door on her side of the bed
1. Only sleep with hookers and fembots