I believe we should all have resolutions so we can continually better ourselves as human beings. You should all be like me.
My Resolutions for 2007
1. Become less judgmental and mean-spirited, unlike you stupid losers.
2. Stop eating animals – I hate how they claw at my face.
3. Blow up the fucking moon.
4. Write more angry letters to my psychologist, who stopped seeing me in 1993.
5. Be nicer to my parents; avoid sending them feces in the mail.
6. Befriend a bitter waitress who, after finally trusting me, reveals she has a heart of gold.
7. Become her enemy.
8. Influence world events with my invisible time-traveling hamster Mr. Pecan.
9. Two words: MORE GOLD!
10. Teach a poor, lonely child the gift of love, then find a good place to hide the remains.
11. Replace my hand with a chainsaw.