Advice from Rude Boy George

Advice Columns | Mar 7th, 2017

Rude Boy George
Photo by Bryan Kremkau

Rude Boy George is the world’s greatest band that meshes together 80s new wave and ska music (sorry Skapeche Mode, Rude Order, and Ska Flock of Seagulls). Not only do they re-imagine and reggaefy classics from The Cure, Squeeze, and Wang Chung, but they provide sage advice to all those who need it. Please enjoy Rude Boy George’s first advice column and visit them on to submit your own soul-searching questions!

Dear Rude Boy George,
My 16th birthday is coming up and my family totally forgot because my sister is getting married the next day. Should I be mad at them or should I let it go? Also, I really want to date this hot jock but I’m being stalked by a geek who wants to steal my panties. What should I do?

Your friend and fan,
Sad in Suburbia

Dear Sad in Suburbia,
While it’s understandable that you’re interested in the hot jock, it may be worth it to you in the future to give up a pair of panties now to keep the geek obsessed with you. That way, when he invents a way to charge insane amounts of money for “new” technology like a phone or a watch, you’ve got a guy with Scrooge McDuck-level money that’s still fawning for you. Don’t fall for the jock, with his good looks and awesome Camaro. In 20 years, the geek will have his own helicopter, and the jock will still have the same Camaro. Oh, and as for your birthday, just let it go, as we forgot to even address that part of the question until just now.

Dear Rude Boy George,

My best friend wants to ditch school for the day via an elaborate set of ruses, steal my dad’s Ferrari, and then use his irresistible charm to take over a parade float. Is he a harmless rascal or the sociopathic embodiment of white privilege? Should I go with him? Help!

Meekly yours,
Chicago Blues

Dear Chicago Blues,
Your best friend lives his life like a Frosted Mini-Wheat. On one side, it is important to have fun, and convince your girlfriend why you are “The Sausage King of Chicago.” On the other side, it takes a lot to, say, perfectly coordinate dancers and convincingly lip-sync Beatles songs. You don’t think Apple Corps is going to send you a “Cease and Desist” letter for that? Think again bub!

Another example of your friend being just a little over confident might be, let’s just say, stretching The English Beat’s “Rotating Heads” into a 6-minute loop so you can meet bikini-clad girls in the neighborhood and milk the landing off trampolines. I mean, come on. We all love the Beat, but really?

Should you go with him? Hell yes, you should go with him. It takes a great friend to bail you out of jail, but it takes an even better friend to sit beside you in the cell and say, “Damn, that was fun!”

Dear Rude Boy George,

I’m not sure what I want to do with my life. I don’t want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don’t want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. What do you recommend?

In your eyes,

Dear Adorkable,
We recommend you process what you just said, buy-in to making your dreams come true, and sell yourself on achieving it. Otherwise, you’re just selling yourself short, and it will take a long time for you to process that before you repair your own life. After all, it’s a process.

If you’re a band willing to give advice to readers, please reach and let us know on social media or at [email protected].


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