Ask Dr. Jeff: Episode 2

Advice Columns | By on Jan 3rd, 2008

Dear Dr. Jeff,

How do you deal with unruly family members during the Christmas holidays? Do you have any good tips because this will be one long turkey dinner if I don’t get your help!

Sincerely,
Extended Families R Teh Suck!

Dear Extended,

There are different methods to deal with unruly family members at different times of the year. For example, a pile of Cherry Icee-filled water balloons will do wonders during the summer. But Christmas is that special, wonderful time of year when families come together and worship the birth of Jesus by yelling at each other and generally making everybody’s life miserable. What, you ask, is the solution? Well, at Christmastime, I recommend finding the nearest fruitcake and throwing it at the head of any unruly family member within a good firing distance. This has a double benefit as you can enjoy eating the wonderful, glorious fruitcake in silence once said family member is unconscious on the floor. And yes, fruitcake is glorious. Don’t listen to the stereotypes that would have you believe they’re a big flavorless rock of a cake. Have you ever actually eaten one? I didn’t think so. Try it. You’ll see.

Dear Dr. Jeff,

I deal with children that are far too noisy. What brand of soap do you recommend I wash their mouth out with?

Sincerely,
Mr. Teacherstein

Dr Mr Teacherstein,

Soap is outdated. I recommend superglue. If superglue cannot be found, I recommend Krazy Glue. The kids love Krazy Glue because its evil corporate overlords spelled “crazy” with a K. That’s like ending a pluralized word with the letter “z” instead of “s”, and you know how those kidz love that.

But right about now, you might be thinking “But Dr. Jeff, won’t parents be angry if I glue their kids’ mouths shut?” Well, as a super-expert doctor of stuff, allow me to reassure you. The human body is constantly shedding its outer layers (fun fact: dust is mostly made of dead skin!), so eventually the glue will fail simply because the flesh it was binding has shed itself and been replaced with some happy new stuff. So you simply need reassure the parents that it’s only temporary. Once the parents realize they temporarily won’t have to deal with their kids whining about everything, they will build you a throne of gold and carry you forth on their shoulders.

Dear Dr. Jeff, the other day, my nose fell off. What is the best glue to put it back on with?

Dear strange extra-anonymous person,

Well, given that last q&a, you’d think I’d suggest krazy glue, wouldn’t you? HA! Fooled you! Ahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaa!! Actually, it’s a scientific superfact that the best way to reattach a severed nose is with a staple gun. Once stapled in place, tiny parasites will work to reattach the wayward body part to your face, and if you’re REALLY lucky, some extra tiny cockroaches will miraculously show up to reattach your olfactory nerves and you’ll once again have that most useless of all senses: smell! Yay.

Dr. Jeff,

What kind of leash should I use on Brett? I think choke-chains are too harsh, but the cloth ones just don’t seem to keep him in line! Help!

Sincerely,
Brett’s owner

Dear Brett’s Owner,

You can acquire a wide variety of safe bondage leashes at your local dirty pervert sex shop. If you’re some kind of ridiculous prude and sex shops don’t work for you, I suggest the choke chain. How will you know if you’re using it effectively? Brett’s eyes will cross, and his tongue will protrude and change color, ever so slightly.

Dear Dr. Jeff

Dude, when did you become a Dr? Dosn’t it take like, years of school? I thought you dropped out of CLC!

Your best buddy Los Marcos Amigos

Dear Los Marcos,

I’d like to relate a story. Once upon a time, there was a magical gnome named Zangy. Zangy traveled to a far distant land, many years’ travel from his home, and found a box. The box was locked with an elaborate and rather ornate lock. Unfortunately Zangy had no key for this lock, yet he was burning with curiosity to know what the box held. What did he do? He “thought outside the box” by acquiring an ax (as opposed to the no-doubt ornate key that would have unlocked the lock) and chopped the box open. Unfortunately he was rather overzealous in his task and ended up destroying the contents of the box along with the box itself, but I’m pretty sure it contained two comic books and a bar of gold. The moral of the story is: if you have a plush gorilla, consider yourself lucky. They’re totally adorable. Also, they sometimes hand out doctorates. Go figure.

Dear Dr. Jeff,
I have an annoying, paranoid co-worker who thinks people are always out to get her. What is the best way to completely drive her around the bend, thus making her quit?
Thanks
Judith

Dear Judith,

Today I drew green smiley faces all over my hand. Having said that, allow me to solve your problem. If there’s one thing I learned from working in a toy store, it’s that nobody appreciates a severed finger. But that’s probably going too far. The wimpy way out would involve an elaborate zany scheme, one most likely utilizing a box of Rice Crispies, a roll of duct tape, a duck call, five of those little paper umbrellas they put in cocktails, and a pair of those fake glasses with the fake plastic eyebrows, nose, and mustache. I’m sure I needn’t spell out what you will do with these items, but rest assured, you will soon be rid of your annoying coworker.

Dear Dr. Jeff,
I have a growth. What should I do about it?
Sincerely
Jamie Lynn

Dear Jamie Lynn,

As Optimus Prime once said, “We don’t have enough energon cubes to power a full-scale assault. Ready the shuttle for launch. Now all we need is a little energon and a lot of luck.” If that doesn’t solve your problem, nothing will.

Dear Dr Jeff,
My wife is pregnant and wants to name the baby. I always wanted to name my kid Kuato after the character in Total Recall. How do I make this happen?
– Quaid

Dear Quaid,

Total Recall is one of the most disgustingly overrated movies ever. Seriously, what’s wrong with you? If you’re going to name a kid after a character in a movie, choose something that both you and your wife can agree on. May I suggest Mechagodzilla? And if either of you doesn’t agree with naming your kid Mechagodzilla, you should be ashamed of yourselves and I would heartily recommend ten years of silent seclusion, contemplation, and self flagellation. And no, “self flagellation” is not a euphemism for anything sexual. Look it up.
…well, okay. Some people might enjoy that kind of thing. But that’s not the point. The point is that it’s okay to horribly torment yourself for not agreeing to my idea of a great pop culture name for your child. And you know how kids with stupid geeky names get beaten up at school? Well, who the hell is going to mess with someone named Mechagodzilla? Nobody, that’s who!

Dear Dr. Jeff,

I’m stuck working on both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. What is the best way to “get rid of” (wink, wink) my boss once and for all without the pesky fuzz, FBI, and CIA getting on my tail? I’d like to give him a nice Christmas stuffing, if you know what I’m saying.

Sincerely,
Disgruntled in California

First of all, Disgruntled, think about what you just said. “I’d like to give him a nice Christmas stuffing”? That’s what consenting, loving adults do in the privacy of a cheap, disgusting motel. Secondly, if you ever want to get out of work, I must steal someone else’s suggestion and tell you to fake your own death. But wait, you say! Isn’t that a bit extreme? NO! Nothing is EVER to extreme when it comes to getting out of work. Now, I know you wish you were paid millions of dollars every year to write the occasional super-brilliant advice column, just like me. But not everyone can experience that life. If, however, faking your own death is going too far for your taste, I would recommend simply distracting this boss with something – donuts generally do the trick. Leave a trail of donuts heading out the boss’s office and into a heavily forested wilderness. With a little luck, you won’t see your boss for weeks, if not months, and you have the satisfaction of knowing that instead of committing a horrible crime, you have merely led a lost soul back to nature. With donuts!

Well kids, that’s all for this exciting edition of Ask Dr. Jeff. Send in your questions and I’ll see you next time!