Ask the Virgin

Advice Columns | By on Apr 12th, 2004

Note: These are answered by a REAL, ACTUAL virgin that the READ staff knows! He doesn’t want to use his real name, but rest assured the man has NEVER had sex!

Dear Virgin,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost two years. Both of us are virgins, so we’re obviously nervous about doing the “deed”. We both want to do it soon, but we want it to be special… How do we know when the time is right?
–Eager Beaver

Beaver,
How the hell would I know?

Hi Virgin,
My girlfriend always likes to have a couple of drinks before we make love. I used to think it was cool, but now I’m bothered by it. Like, does she need to loosen up with alcohol before we have sex? Or is sex so bad that she needs to be a little drunk? I’m so insecure about it now that I can’t get fully erect, and our lovemaking has faltered. I think she’s drinking even more now. Should I speak to her about it?
–Weakening Willy

Willy,
Sounds like she doesn’t like you. Why not let me try having a go at it and see if she’s drinks when I’m banging her. Either way, she’s gonna be real groggy the next morning, you know what I’m saying.

Dear Virgin:
My girl is a two-input gal, and she’s great at it, but I want to go for three and she’s like NO WAY, EXIT ONLY. I’m getting kind of bored with the other stuff and I want to try something new. How can I get her to try it out?
–Dude Who Wants To Do His Girl Up The Butt And She’s Like No Way

Butt Dude,
Getting bored with sex huh? You spoiled prick!! At least you’re
getting some. I don’t even know how it is!

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