I have a pet Yorkshire Terrier named Scoobie. He’s the cutest thing you’ve ever seen. I love him so much, but every once in awhile I get this strange urge to lick him. You know, just to see how he tastes. And also sometimes I just want to bite him. I don’t know why, I think I’m c-c-c-crazy! What should I do?
–Puppy Lover in Arizona
Dear Puppy Lover,
Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Cook for 45 minutes then garnish with red wine. Serve with potatoes.
I met this wonderful girl, I think she likes me too. Thing is she’s a vegetarian and like most intelligent people, I eat meat. She might not kiss me after I eat a hotdog. Should I stop eating meat? I really like her a lot. Please, Norby, I need your help!
Dump the bitch.
Even though I love meat, I also enjoy vegetables such as eggplant and turnips, and I also like meat substitutes like soy and tofu. Am I bringing shame to the meat-eating community?
–Veggies Are Good
Go fuck yourself. Go shove some cucumbers up your ass, you fuck!! You know what I’d say to you if you were standing here right now? I’d say Fuck You! Fuck! Fuckin’ fuck!!!
A woman from Africa started at my job and she told me they eat termites, squirrels and fucking BATS! Bats – ewwwww. I hafta admit, that thought turned me off meat for a couple of days. I can almost see eating termites (tho this is probably because I’ve never actually seen a termite) but no way to BATS! When she told me, I said I couldn’t imagine they had much meat on them and she said, “Oh – they very bony.” I couldn’t stop thinking about that! I feel kinda sick thinking about it now… How can I ever enjoy meat the same way again?
–Sick In Iowa
Sick In Iowa,
Bitch, get over it. This world doesn’t need soft bat-huggers like you. Maybe you don’t understand the concept of the food chain. You think a bat wouldn’t mind mangling you if given the chance? Wake up, lady. People like you make me SICK. Fuck off and die.
I’ve been a big fan of yours for years, and every week my wife Alison and I, two huge meat fans, cut out your advice column and tape it to the fridge. Imagine my surprise when I realized that I just might need to ask YOU for advice, and that someday I might tape my own question to the fridge! Hahaha! Anyway, my question to you is, when throwing a party for our friends, is it proper etiquette for us to only serve meat hors-d’oevres? Should we offer also vegetables and dip, or perhaps cheese and crackers? A response from you would be very appreciated. Ta-ta!
–Bill & Alison, Ronkankama, NY
Hello you fucking yuppie shitbags,
The fact that you know how to fucking spell hors-d’oeuvres is enough to make me want to hit you with a brick. Do you want a kick, is that it? Do you want me to beat your head in with a lead crowbar? I’ll come down to your stupid-ass Ramcockupma suburban yuppie town, and I’ll fuck you all up. I’ll shit in your swimming pool. Fuck off and die.
To Mr. Norby:
You don’t know me, but I’ve been following your advice columns for quite a while. What I have discovered is that you are a depraved individual and nothing more than an uncouth cretin. The fact that people write to you just to be insulted is a sign of our decadent times. These people are gluttons for your punishment and are just as sick as you, if not more. I ask of you to desist in your offensive columns.
Yours in Christ,
A Concerned Person from St. Louis
“The fact that people write to you…” Guess what, dumbass? You’re fuckin writing to me, you SCHMUCK! You should join the Church For Butthumping Altar Boys, you sick closet case. Go shove a crucifix up you ass. Fuck off and die.
Write to Norby for all your meat advice needs!