Resident Evil: The Totally Awesome Fanfic

Fanfics | By on Feb 18th, 2007

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One day Jill Valentine was wandering around the mountains and forests because it was such a happy bright sunshiny day out. She strolled around enjoying the fresh springtime air when suddenly she was attacked by ZOMBIES!!!!

“Holy crap! Zombies!” Jill yelled, because it was very unusual to come across zombies while on a happy springtime mountain stroll.

“BRAAAAAAAAAINS” the zombies yelled, cause, y’know, they like to eat brains and stuff. Also intestines. There seems to be a lot of intestine-eating going on with zombies. Are intestines super-nutritional or something? Man, if I was a zombie, I would so not eat intestines. That’s gross. Just brains for me.

So anyway, Jill was all like “Oh no! You must not eat my brains, bizznatches!” and she ran away from the zombies. But then she got lost, but fortunately she came across this huge mansion dealie that was conveniently in the mountains. Jill smiled and went inside, certain that she could use her super-sexy charms on anyone that happened to object to her storming into their giant mansion with a buncha zombies on her tail. Mmm, she has nice tail too. But I digress.

Inside the mansion, she found TOTALLY GROSS ATTACK DOGS!!!! The dogs were all like inside out and crap, how sick is that? Who would do such a thing to those poor little doggies? So yeah, anyhow, the dogs TOTALLY ATTACKED Jill!

“Oh no,” Jill screeched, “please don’t tear my shirt open like that! Noo! Not a big hole in the butt of my pants! Now everybody will be able to see my supersexy bum!”

The dogs snickered and then totally ran awaybe cause they are stupid and weak and totally afraid of Jill Valentines with guns!!

Jill breathed a sign of relief and examined the extensive damage to her clothing. Sure enough her huge heaving breasts were now partially exposed to the whole world. “Good thing I am alone” she said to herself “because otherwise some creepy horndogs might see my goods” but then she remembered that it was dogs that had done this to her so she revised her insult to creepy hornballs”.

Suddenly and without warning, out of nowhere the front door of the mansion was busted in and the zombies all stumbled in yelling “Braaaaaains.” I don’t know why zombies are always stumbling and such, if I was a zombie I’d totally be all running around especially after a hot piece of partially exposed tail like super hot Jill Valentine, man I’m so glad video games have zombies and super hot totally realistic computer girls in them, man wait this isn’t the video game it’s the fanfic, never mind and just scratch that last part please, it never happened ever.

So then Jill pulled out her gun, because she was a totally hardcore special units cop girl and she was prepared for all zombie invasions, so she shot a couple of zombies, but she only shot them in the chest because she is a stupid stupid person who is not well versed in zombie lore like me who knows everything about zombies and there motivations so she didn’t know that she should shoot them all in the heads to kill their brains and they’re desire to kill and eat peoples intestines, but seriously man, intestines are gross, what are their problem?

So then Jill Valentine, she was in the mansion, and Jill ran up the big staircase to get away from the evil zombies, but seeing the zombies made her a little crazy so she began hallucinating because her sanity meter was totally depleted TO THE EXTREME!!!!! Oh wait, that’s another game isn’ tit, never mind, she didn’t go crazy. But she did work up quite a sweat running up those stairs and she said to herself “Oh my, it is very hot inside this stuffy old mansion. Perhaps I should finish removing my clothing like the dogs started to.”

But someone overheard her talking to herself. “Suits me just fine,” a sexy masculine male voice said. “Take it off, baby.”

“Oh swoon!” Jill said, because she is a girl and like all girls, she likes it when hot guys demand that she takes her clothes off. Remember that, all you guys reading this, hot girls looooooooove for you to demand they take their clothes off. They also like it when they’re clothes get ripped open by dogs, they just won’t admit it.

“So who are you, mysterious stranger?” Jill asked.

“I am Leon Kennedy, I am with the Presidents secret service detail in Racoon City, he heard that there were freaking zombies loose possibly from Umbrella Inc. so he sent me to the Arkham Mountains to totally annihilate those dumb zombie jerks. But he also said any hot partially exposed tail I found was mine, and baby is your partially exposed tail ever hot!”

Jill Valentine swooned again at Leon’s strong masculine manner. Here was a man who knew what he wanted and wasn’t afraid to take it. Jill like all girls liked a man with ambition and determination, so she decided to finish removing her clothes just like the big strong man had demanded.

But then zombies broke into the room, because they hadn’t bothered to lock the door or anything. But Leon, he pulled his mighty gun from his pants and shot his hot load of lead into their faces, and those zombies, boy did they get messy. They fell over from the steaming hot impact and then Leon grabbed Jill and they ran out a second-story window, landing conveniently on a nicely placed and fortunately open garbage bin that broke their fall. Leon thru Jill over his shoulder and ran off into the mountains.

“Where are we going?” Jill asked.

“We will live in the caves and have lots of hot wild monkey sex all day and all night,” Leon said. “We will live like kings! Well, like a king and his loyal servant.”

And so they lived happily ever after out in the caves of the Arkham Mountains, away from the evil mashinations of Umbrella Inc.
The end!