The Exorcist: The Fanfic

Fanfics | By on Feb 21st, 2007

No Image Found

“Mommy mommy I’m so happy and carefree!” a sweet innocent little girl totally yelled at her loving mommy. Mommy smiled and said “I love you, my sweet dear child.”

But all was not so idyllic as it seemed because right then the sweet little girl fell to the ground and began speaking in evil demon tongue.

“Blah blah blah, I am an evil demon and I have possessed this sweet adorable little girl for my own devious purposes, mwahaha,” the demon said, speaking thru the adorable little girl.

“I must get help!” Mommy exclaimed, realizing that she was in over her head.

Right then, a priest walked into the yard and said “Excuse me ma’am, I just happened to be walking by but then my bike broke down and I had to stop here and ask if you have a spare bike chain and OH MY GOODNESS THAT CHILD SEEMS TO BE HAVING SOME MINOR PROBLEMS OF SOME SORT” because the girl’s head was now revolving around 360 like a really cool skateboarding stunt only involving spinning heads rather than spinning skateboarders and whatnot.

“I am possessed by a evil demon!” the little girl yelled.

“Nah I don’t think so, you’re totally just having some minor psychological problems. Some medication should clear that right up.”

Suddenly Tom Cruise appeared! “Away with your evil religion and its evil medication! Scientology says it’s evil to use medication! Now I must go and do my I’m Not Medicated Happy Dance, deet doo doo deet doo doo!!”

“Okay no medication, how about just some therapy? Psychology should help if not psychiatry, because this is only a mental illness.”

Suddenly Keiser Soze showed up! “The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he doesn’t exist!” Keiser said. Then he put on his hat and left.

“Hmm, good point,” the priest said, scratching his noggin in deep thought. “What to do, what to do?”

“Whatever you do, you certainly shouldn’t exorcise me, because exorcisms are for weenies. You know what would be better? Exercise.” So the demon girl began to exercise.

“HOLY GARBONZO BEANS, YOU ARE POSSESSED BY THE GHOST OF RICHARD SIMMONS” the priest said in astonished confusion. “This is most perplexing indeed!”

Suddenly Billy Blanks showed up! “Don’t worry, I will ask the higher power I believe in to give me the strength to finish my workout… my workout of DEMON SLAYING!! RARRR!” Mr. Blanks totally beat up that adorable little girl possessed by the evil super demon, and man, was that demon ever pissed. But before that demon could get its vengence, Mr. Banks left to go teach an aerobics class.

“Okay father, I admit exercise wasn’t such a good idea,” the demon girl said.

“Well I hope you’ve learned your lesson, don’t exercise without proper stretching and warming up, because it will hurt like HELL, pardon the excellent, clever, witty pun.”

“Shut up or I’ll swallow your soul,” the demon girl yelled. “Much like I did with this adorable little girl who apparently does not like to exercise much.”

“No, we can’t have that. In fact, I’ll have to box your ears if you try that,” Father said. “But really now, what can I do to stop you? I’M SO CONFUSED!”

“Whassa matter, faddah, is this terrible situation giving you a crisis of faith? Mwahaha.”

“No, of course not, you dolt. I’m just not sure if I should…”

“Ah screw it, this is boring,” the evil demon creature dealie said, and it left the little girl’s body and flew back to the hell from whence it came.

“Well that was surprsingly easy,” the priest said.

“I’ve been through an ordeal” the little girl said. “Buy me ice cream?”

“Slag off, wench, I gots a bike to fix.”
The end…?