From The Archive: 50 Ways to Make Baseball Better

Articles | May 4th, 2008

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Originally Published in Smelly Fish vs. Suits and Spikes Zine #4 (2001)

Baseball sucks. It’s pretty boring to play and even less entertaining to watch. But it’s not a total loss. I have some ideas for revisions to the game. With these, maybe baseball could actually be more exciting than tearing paper. And that’s pretty hard to beat.

1, A sharp knife is used instead of a ball
2. Cheerleaders
3. Convoluted, nonsensical plots (like in wrestling)
4. Hammocks for the spectators
5. Full contact
6. Killer robots are on teams instead of human players
7. Vampire bats are used instead of baseball bats
8. One inning games
9. Spectators are given never-ending supply of tomatoes to throw at players
10. Cardboard boxes are used instead of baseball gloves
11. Rule enforcing all players to be blind
12. 3D goggles and 3D players (doooood….they’re so real!)
13. Seats on the field
14. The Simpsons must be playing on the video screen
15. Each team must have 3 elephants
16. New team names like Cleveland Earwig Eaters
17. Farm teams must live in a barn and eat hay
18. Mascots will be publicly executed if they perform the Macarena
19. Have Britney Spears sing the national anthem… naked
20. Field is made of ice, but no skates can be used
21. Arguments between teams result in Celebrity Deathmatches
22. Umpires are strippers and porn stars in bikinis
23. Players are strippers and porn stars in bikinis
24. Baseballs are bombs, and will detonate at any time
25. Players are forced to run into each other
26. The baseball is a beach ball
27. The bases have minds of their own and can run away
28. Instead of caps, players wear clown wigs
29. Jesus plays for the Mets (although I fear they still won’t win)
30. Cows are set free to graze the field
31. The field is full of mines
32. The pitcher pitches from the outfield
33. Three-year-olds commentate & every other word is poo
34. Players must somersault and/or cartwheel to bases
35. Plays you see in movies actually work
36. The ball is controlled by a senile old man
37. Home plate is a trap door to hell
38. Jay Leno commentates (hey, it’s still better than baseball)
39. Players wear sumo suits and no shoes
40. The game is played in a fish tank
41. Batboys are elected every four years through federal elections
42. Players use plastic toy bats
43. TV stations only focus on the good-looking women in the audience
44. Team owners get to play first base
45. Midgets are eligible to play
46. Players can write obscenities on their jerseys
47. Players must catch the ball with their caps
48. Random audience members are chosen to play
49. When the baseball hits a player, the pitcher gets money
50. Give me lots of money and I’ll ignore it

There you have it. Fifty simple and feasible ideas that will totally reinvent the game of baseball. But even with all fifty implemented, the sport will never be as awesome as hockey.

Next Time: 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover (Paul Simon had it all wrong)


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