Handbook for a Poser

Articles | Oct 29th, 2006

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We here at ReadJunk are always trying to help point you in the right direction in everything ranging from starting your own band to love relationships. Now for those of you who are confused with your musical tastes and want to fit in with the right crowd…we present to you the Handbook for a Poser. Now you will be able to fit in with all of the coolest people without having to act like yourself.

Hip-Hop/Rap

Our first topic of discussion will be the urban musical phenomenon known as Hip-Hop or what gansta’s call Rap. This musical art form has risen from the rough streets of New York and L.A. to take the nation by storm. No longer just street music, it can be heard everywhere from your local mall to farm states like Kansas. Even grandma’s now get down with the soothing sounds of the Rapper’s Delight.

But how do I fit in with the Hip-Hop crowd you ask? Here is what you will need.

1.Gold chains. Lots of them. Silver just will not do.

2.Extremely oversized clothes. If your brother cannot fit into your other pant leg…they’re too small. Make sure that you pick up one of those nifty hooded sweatshirts with the rhino on them as well. They are the bomb.

3.A visor. Your outfit will not be complete without a sun visor. Make sure that you do not wear it like normal. If the visor is not crooked or turned upside down…you could get made fun of by others.

Bands that you must know: 50 Cent, Eminem, N.W.A, Dr. Dre, Public Enemy

Country Music
It seems that anyone that puts on a cowboy hat and can sing with a southern drawl can live the American dream. The loneliest form of music, Country music isn’t just for the country folk anymore. Today rich businessmen and professional athletes can now sing about their wives leaving them, drinking their sorrows away at their local watering hole, and the Chattahoochee.

Here is what you will need to become a genuine authentic cowboy.

1.A big ass cowboy hat. Don’t settle for the ten-gallon, go larger.

2.Grow your hair long. Keep it short on the front and let the back of your hair flow down over your backside like a raging waterfall.

3.A moustache. Who doesn’t think that a moustache is sexy? Grrrr.

4.Make sure to pick up some cowboy boots, tight pants, and a large belt buckle and your outfit will be complete. Don’t forget about the miniature bull skull necklace.

5.Follow NASCAR racing. If you don’t know who won the Tampax 500 last week then you have no hope of fitting in with others.

6.Learn to speak with a twang in your voice. Start saying y’all and woo doggie.

Bands that you must know: Toby Keith, Travis Trit, Clint Black, Kenny Chesney, Trace Adkins. You shouldn’t listen to people like Johnny Cash or Willie Nelson. They are too old fashioned, singing about poverty and hunger in America. That stuff isn’t relevant today. It’s all about NASCAR and tractors baby!!!

Metal
It’s fast, it’s loud, it’s hard, and it’s dark. Satan himself has placed this music on Earth. Now get on your knees and worship. You have to look as evil as possible. It only looks ridiculous to the nonbelievers.

Steps to becoming a true metalhead.

1.You will need lots of spikes and leather. It’s not hardcore unless you have the biggest metal spikes on your wristband or dog collar. And there’s nothing like hot sweaty leather to scream Lords of Darkness.

2.Make sure to grow your hair as long as possible and make sure to never ever wash it. Everyone loves it when your hair is slapping against their faces like a whip. And you look like a moron banging your head if you’re bald.

3.Face paint or makeup. Yet again…nothing screams evil like dark eyeliner and white face paint. It scares the hell out of little girls and makes you look very intimidating to your peers.

4.Come up with a name that makes no sense but sounds foreign. There’s no need for boring names like Jim and Bill. Try out something new like Mashana, Verg Grman, Borger Slaynar, or Menicar the Destroyer.

5.Tell everyone that you now follow the ways of Odin. They’ll think you’re cool. And remember…you only like Metallica’s stuff before Load.

Bands that you must know: Mercyful Fate, Mayhem, Dimmu Borgir, Slayer, Cannibal Corpse.

Punk

Down with the government, down with organized religion, down with everything. Chaos and anarchy will rise like a phoenix from the ashes. But first we have to get a good record contract and our new BMW’s. So is the way of today’s punk rockers. Every thirteen year old child can now mimic the likes of Johnny Rotten and Joey Ramone with nifty pins, mass distributed band shirts, and school friendly rubber spiked bracelets.

Here is what you will need.

1.A hairdo that stands out from the rest of the crowd. Try a Mohawk or Liberty Spikes. No…they’re not outdated. These will give you a look of danger with a hint of teenage angst, and you will get lots of mean looks from old people. Don’t try something too different or else you won’t fit in with the others. Mohawks and spikes can also easily be transformed into a regular hairdo for social events such as Sunday School or Brownie meetings.

2.You need a punk uniform. You can’t truly be considered a punk rocker without the gear. Make sure to pick up these things at you local Hot Topic. Tight plaid pants or pre-ripped jeans, a shirt of a punk band from the 70’s, lots of pins and patches, spiked bracelets, a dog collar with spikes as well, long dangling chains, and suspenders. These are some of the basics for that perfect punk uniform that everyone else wears.

3.Piercings. Get as many as possible all over your body. If your Mom and Dad won’t let you get any real piercings…go with those stick on ones. No one will notice.

Bands that you must know: The Ramones, The Clash, The Sex Pistols, The Misfits, Dead Kennedys, Stiff Little Fingers. If anyone asks questions about your knowledge of punk music, just remember that the universal answer to every question is the Sex Pistols. I.E. What is the best band in the world? The Sex Pistols. Who was the worst punk band ever? The Sex Pistols. What are your thoughts on politics and the state of the world today? Well I like the Sex Pistols. Now that is punk rock!

Emo
It is not known exactly when or where this apparent form of music originated from but millions of young men all over the world have opened their hearts and have set their inner woman free. No style of music today is as exciting yet emotionally draining as Emo is.

Now you can fit in with the trendiest crowd in American culture today.

1. First you will need a mop style hairdo. Your eyes must be hidden for they are the gateway to the soul and your inner thoughts should not be revealed so easily.

2.Black rimmed glasses. There really is no point for these but all of your friends are wearing them so you should too.

3.Go retro with you clothing choices. Old t-shirts that say 77 on them are ok but try to stick with sweaters or long sleeved shirts that are black or brown in color. Make sure that your pants are faded. Both the shirt and the pants must be tight. This will show the world that you are in tough with your feminine side.

4.You have to carry your notebook with you wherever you go. No. It’s not a diary. That would be silly.

Bands that you must know: Dashboard Confessional, Jawbreaker, Hot Water Music, Thursday.

Goth

Almost as sensitive as Emo, Goth music is more reflective of the inner workings of ones own emotional digress. What the f$*# did you just say? Don’t worry. Any of your modern day Goth rockers will be able to tell you the true nature and origin of Goth. They will also tell you that Dracula was originally a werewolf.

Here are some steps to becoming one of the night.

1.You can only wear black or blood red. These are the colors of emotional scarring and are easily available at the mall.

2.Make sure that your hair is the color of the raven. Blondes will not be accepted into any Goth circles. Get some cheap hair dye at Wal-Mart.

3.You must not go out in the day. You are a creature of the night. Just make sure not to stay out past your curfew or your parents will cut your allowance.

4.Wear dark makeup. You will look very scary. The rest of the world will now share your emotional suffering with you.

5.You must remember that you hurt inside. The world is a harsh place with nothing to live for. Things are hard for you. Forget the fact that you live at home with your mom and dad in that nice big house in rural America with four new cars and a large indoor swimming pool. You are scarred. You must not forget that.

Bands that you must know: Bauhaus, Alien Sex Fiend, Cradle of Filth, Covenant, Switchblade Symphony. Remember…it hurts.

Techno
If you like techno or currently want to get into techno music…kill yourself now. It’s not worth it man.

Well there you have it. Some helpful pointers on just a few forms of music and how to become one of the in crowd. You are now free to not be yourself and to not express your own opinions. That’s what friends are for. They must make the important choices for you. Acceptance is all that matters and you now have the means and the knowledge to finally be accepted by those that matter most to you. You will thank me later.