I drink because I’m lonely.

Articles | Jul 3rd, 2008

No Image

People always ask me: “Adam, why do you drink so much?” This is a very stupid question for two important reasons.

First, because when they ask me, I’m usually drinking. So if I were to reply, and sometimes I do, booze mixed with saliva dribbles out my mouth, down my face, and onto my shirt, if I’m wearing one.

Second, the answer is very obvious. I drink to escape reality. I mean, doesn’t everyone? Drinking makes you feel good. It gets you all goofy and your cares melt away. For a few peaceful hours (or days, depending), you can deal with this topsy-turvy world and enjoy yourself without guilt, inhibitions, self-consciousness, or self-loathing. Sounds pretty sweet to me!

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the world sucks. Once you comprehend the full suckitude, which, on the World Suckiness Scale is now hovering dangerously close to “Radiohead”, you either go mad or kill yourself. Wouldn’t it be great if there was some sort of thing you can ingest that magically makes the world better? Oh wait, there is! It’s called cheap rum.

And not only does the world suck, but your life sucks too. No friends, no hopes or dreams, no exciting stimuli… Drinking fills that void! And what’s amazing about alcohol is that it’s liquid. Pour a liquid into any type of mold and it fills that mold. That’s what alcohol does for you – it fulfills all that you’re missing socially, emotionally, and psychologically. It is quite the miracle worker!

Now, once you stop drinking, that void becomes even more pronounced. This shows that alcohol doesn’t solve your problems, only covers them up with a nice warm goose-down comforter of clear or brown booze. But can any tangible thing truly solve your problems? Money? Hot chicks? A Playstation 3? Maybe. But booze is cheaper.

Join me! Not in hanging out with me and making me less lonely, but in drinking to disguise that loneliness. For this is not a cry for help but a call to arms!