I Hate You, You Hate Me: The Barney Job

Articles | Mar 6th, 2005

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I never had a job in my life. I never wanted one and I still don’t. But one day my twin brother Matt, our friend Paul, and I were asked to dress up like Big Bird and Barney. This was a grand opening of a local deli and guess who were the big stars of the day. Figures the day we do this it’s 90 degrees out. I have a whole new respect to the peoplewho dress up as the characters down at Disney World.

One person had to dress up in the cheesy costume of Big Bird, and the other had to put on the big suit of Barney. Well I decided I would go after Matt and another guy who was doing it with us. We were all desperate for some cash and free food. Why couldn’t they have gotten Looney Tunes suits? They had to get the creature I despise most, Barney.. YUCK! So I decided to try the Big Bird suit first. I put it on and the helmet was so fuckin’ uncomfortable!! It felt like putting a chair on your shoulders and holding it for a half hour.

As soon as I got outside, after tripping and falling through the store to get outside, I had kids running and giving me hugs. Then after five minutes, the crowd dispersed from me and went to Paul who was Barney. So I decided to go by the road and wave at cars. I had a few fingers thrown at me but I kept waving. Then after awhile, I got bored and I started to breakdance in the Big Bird suit. That got the kids smiling again. I got a tap on the shoulder to go back in the store. I stumbled my way through the store while my brother was out of costume guiding me through the aisles. I took in the fresh air after I took the suit off. That suit makes you sweat up a storm! After Matt and another guy got back, I decided, what the hell, I’ll be Barney. I’ll soon regret those lines.

I put the suit on, and it’s worse than the Big Bird one. It was bigger and hotter. I stumbled through the store again to get outside and face all the little maggots. As soon as I got out again, kids ran up and hugged me. This time they wanted me to sing. “Sing the Barney song!!!” shouted the kids. I basically shook my head and nodded no. No way in hell am I singing that damn song. Then I hear most of the parents laughing at me saying “oh look, Barney got a lot shorter all of a sudden.” I was like fuck you!! In my head of course. So I was slapping five with this one kid, but I was a smart ass and pulled my hand away. This little shit kept hitting my hand, hard. So then I kept being an asshole back to him by pulling my hand away. That just made it worse. The kid grabbed my tail, or should I say Barney’s tail and was forcing me to go the way he was pulling me. Plus other kids were kicking me. Then Paul came to the rescue as Big Bird and took the kid’s hat and put it on Big Bird’s head. I escaped from those little maggots and went back into the store. After that we got free deli food and 20 bucks for doing stuff for an hour’s work. Not bad I suppose. And I guess this will be good to put on a resume.