Indiana Jones has always sucked

Articles | May 25th, 2008

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There is a great debate raging about whether the new Indiana Jones movie is good, bad, better than expected, worse than expected, too childish or too adult. What I’m not hearing is the most important point: that Indiana Jones movies were never good, so who cares about another mediocre cash-out franchise flick?

Sure, many of you morons are now outraged. “Indiana Jones was awesome when I was a kid!” you cry. Yeah, it was awesome when you were a KID. They were children’s movies. That’s why iconic scenes have been parodied in Muppet Babies. Ever try watching Raiders of the Ark post-elementary school? You’ve got bad dialogue, bad pacing, and subpar action. And that’s all three movies.

Worse yet, the three films are equally religious and anti-religious. They all claim the major religions are real, tangible facts; and after making that point, Indy and friends mock them all. In Raiders, they’re looking for the Jewish relic, the Ark of the Covenant. They find it, and it ends up being a destructive force, melting faces and whatnot. Then they mishmash Islam and Hindu into some catch-all “brown-skin” tribal religion but then denigrating it as a “temple of doom.” In the third installment, they go on a Da Vinci Code-like journey and find Jesus Christ’s Holy Grail, which is also a destructive tool that melts people’s faces off. This was done better when it was called The Da Vinci Code. Or Montey Python’s Holy Grail.

So once you’ve claimed all religions are real and then bash them all, what’s next? Oh, I know! Faithless communism! Now the octogenarian Indy and his young friend (not Short Round, unfortunately, but no less annoying) are on a quest to find a communist artifact, which then turns out to be the religion of aliens! Sound familiar? It should, if you’ve seen two episodes of the X-Files or Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

A fresh coat of paint on something old doesn’t make it new. “Crystal Skull” is the same ol’ kids movie that teaches our children to believe and then hate all religions. If you’re not a child, it will insult your intelligence. And if you are a child, watch something real and more exciting instead, like Passion of the Christ. That movie’s got a whip in it too.