I was originally thinking of writing an article with declarations of the worst bands ever, but then I realized that too many people would get all pissy and whine about it. Instead, I’m spending the time in between periods of the hockey game to write about bands that suck so bad that anyone that even slightly finds them entertaining is a lamewad by proximity. You heard me.
As a side note, I’m not going for any of the bands we all obviously know suck, which is why there’s no Nickelback, Fall Out Boy, or any shitty mall punk band for that matter. These are bands people seem to think are good, when in reality, they ain’t.
It’s hard to describe my hatred of this band. I almost feel like it’s a rule that if you like indie rock, you have to like these guys. But has anyone taken a minute to listen to how obnoxious and whiny Thom Yorke’s voice is? Or how most of their songs are just the same couple of chords over and over? The biggest problem for me, though, is that these guys are assholes and nobody really sees it. They release all kinds of rare EPs, singles, and random shit and then only make it available in Japan so that all of their fans have to strain their pockets to afford them. And worst of all was their most recent ‘album’, which they offered online. Many fans thought it would be noble to pay $10-$20, which is what they might pay in a store, but the thing is that these are no more than mp3 files, and the cost to host them is maybe a couple hundred per month total. Usually when bands put out albums, they might only get $1 or so profit from the album. Here, fans have played into the band’s pockets by giving them exorbitant amounts of money for really just fucking around with Pro Tools. And worst of all, the album is pretty terrible.
2. Pearl Jam
My dislike for Pearl Jam has a lot to do with the fact that their songs really aren’t that good. I mean, I give them some props for some of their ’causes’, but what good is fighting for something when your songs suck? Granted, they were pretty decent when grunge was popular, but that was 15 years ago. And they still haven’t grown musically.
3. Red Hot Chili Peppers
Talk about a band unwilling to grow. These guys sound exactly the same as they did 20 years ago. All of their songs have the same hooks, and Anthony Kiedis’ vocal style is just plain obnoxious. How these guys remain to be popular is beyond me.
4. Moldy Peaches
I’ve come to the conclusion that the suckiness of the Moldy Peaches is solely Adam Green’s fault. Because Kimya Dawson’s soundtrack for the film Juno is cute and lots of fun. Meanwhile, her former group are just pretentious-soundy, and arty for the sake of it. This is why anti-folk sucks ass. Although Regina Spektor is amazing.
5. Tragically Hip
Some of my American friends may not know them, but they’re one of Canada’s biggest domestic bands. They’ve been around for 20 years, playing more or less the same song since then. Basically, they play lousy blues riffs with obnoxiously pretentious lyrics. Now, I really love the singer’s voice, but it’s such a shame his band has no dynamics and haven’t grown musically for over a decade.
6. The Knife
Possibly one of the most obnoxious voices I have ever heard. The electronic stuff is really cool and all, but if you can’t write an interesting song, and moreover, can’t sing it, what’s the point? The fact that indie kids fawn over this tripe still confounds me.
The big ‘it’ band of 2007. But they’re pretty awful. Okay, not awful, but I can’t tell what the big fuss is about. They sound like a psych rock band who loves distortion. I also find the singer Bradford Cox to be one of the more obnoxious representatives of indie rock. He should be maimed.
They just plain suck. Their sound is grating and annoying, and I think the only reason people listen to them is to pretend they understand real music. But they probably hate it too.
I think there needs to be a rule that if your band name has the word ‘Deer’ in it, you probably suck. Let that be a lesson to you kids. But Deerhoof’s biggest problem is that they thought it would be cute to have a tiny Japanese woman as a singer, not realizing that she can’t sing and that her presence only nullifies the otherwise impressive musicianship.
10. Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
Okay, I don’t hate this band. But I don’t particularly like them. I just don’t see what separates them from the hundreds of other indie pop bands that have the EXACT SAME SOUND. There’s nothing that they do that others don’t. Plus they have a shitty name.
Next time: My Least Favourite Artists. I feel like being in a pretentious music snob mood.