Alcohol and cigarettes are good for you socially. They loosen you up, allowing you to be more charming and sexy than you actually are. On one memorable night, I asked a stranger for a light, not so much because I wanted to smoke, but because I needed a conversation opener. One thing let to another, and now she is my wife.
Sadly, there is a youth subculture that refuses to drink, smoke, eat meat, ingest caffeine, or even do delicious mind-altering drugs, and they therefore have much trouble being smooth with the ladies. These kids used to be called Mormons. Today, they are known as “Straight Edgers.”
Since Straight Edgers have trouble socializing (some even abstain from sex itself!), I’ve come to the rescue with some prime lines that are sure to put the X in sXe.
Straight Edge Pick-Up Lines
1. You know what’s great about not having cigarette or beer breath? (kiss her)
2. Can I write X’s on your hands? (when she says yes, write down your phone number)
3. I’m glad I’m not drunk. Because I always want to remember this moment.
4. Looking at you is the only Ecstasy I need.
5. I’ve never dropped acid, but I feel like I’m hallucinating. Are you an angel?
6. You remind me of my mom, who I respect. I believe in having strong female role models.
7. You know, if we were drunk, we’d be too hungover tomorrow morning for breakfast.
8. Doesn’t being straightedge make you feel like a better person? Now let’s go kick some smoker’s ass!
9. I’m drunk on your beauty. Bitch, you broke my edge!
10. You’re preachy too?!!
11. If I believed in casual sex, I would totally do you up the butt. Good thing I respect women.
12. My body is a temple. Wanna sit on the pew?
13. Let’s go carve some X’s into people’s backs and then see where the night takes us.
14. I’m out of step with the world. Care to join me?
15. I’m so clean, I’d only snort laundry detergent off your ass!
16. Baby, you put the “old” in “old school.”
17. Do you like 7 Seconds? Cuz that’s how long I last.
18. There’s no Cause for Alarm. My penis is just a Minor Threat.
19. Judge me Bold, but I think you’re hot! It would be an Earth Crisis if you didn’t ride my Gorilla Biscuits! So let’s be like the Youth of Today and… you know what? These puns are funnier drunk.
And my favorite:
20. Wanna go out on a date? No? Come on, “think again!”