Rhubarb and ChickenscratchSpontaneous Rhymes and Beats

Articles | By on Jan 1st, 2003

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Today’s Theme: Sharks vs. Dinosaurs

My ‘Saurs are big and my ‘Saurs are green.
They’re real bad fuckers just like Charlie Sheen.
They eat your sharks for their midnight snack.
They’re big fat muthas.. Yeah my ‘Saurs got back.


Don’t even step there, dinos suck ass
Nowhere near as brutal, raw, and crass
Sharks are insane, they live to destroy
While most dinos ate vegetables and soy

Sharks predate dinosaurs, and they’re still around
350 million years and they’ve held their ground
Dinosaurs die at the first comet or uranium
Sharks are gonna smack em upside their cranium

Or maybe the dinos turned into birds
Yeah that’s real cool! (Not!) Words
can’t even describe how lame is that
Stupid dinosaurs getting lazy and fat

How much of an asshole can you be
To first be a huge giant monstrosity
Then decide you want to be dainty with feathers
And shed the teeth talons and reptile leathers

What was once gigantic and colossal
Is now just so much fuel and fossil
So it’s obvious the sharks would win
And swimming to victory, a lone dorsal fin

Oh you poor ‘Scratch, you are so confused.
‘Saurs are much more, than gas we now use.
Great giant monsters, they’re Demons from Hell!
Rampaging the earth, for sweet Taco Bell.
Like dragons of myth, these are mystical creatures.
Fill us with stories, and loved cinema features.

The movies about sharks are pathetic and weak.
But films about ‘Saurs are classy and sleek!
Jurassic Park 1 and 2 and Godzillas.
The list can go on ’bout these feared and loved killas.
Sharks just have Jaws, and the Deep Blue Sea
Sorry attempts, these movies are B.

‘Saurs have such gifts and talents aplenty.
IQ’s just like ours except they’re times twenty.
Discussing their theories on space and time travel.
The mysteries of life they sure did unravel.
They never died to leave fossils unfurled.
Instead they took off to discover new worlds.

The fossils and remnants were left to trick sharks.
But they’d never win, they have bite but no barks.
Never have sharks thought up one good plan.
Physics or math? HA! They can’t live on land!
Envious creatures, they’re dumb and they’re crass.
All were defeated with one can of “Whup Ass.”

The Sharks and the ‘Saurs, what a sorry, sad battle.
The sharks just retreated, like half-slaughtered cattle.
The ‘Saurs came to fight, with lightening and thunder.
But the sharks went swimming, with fear and wonder.
The ‘Saurs then all laughed, and wiped tears of mirth.
For they knew they were now, the one rulers of Earth.

But why rule the sharks when they could conquer new places?
Sharks are piteous, rueful, and poor lesser races.
So ‘Saurs left the sharks in their cold, miserable place.
Alone there to rot, and hide their dull face.
But before they were gone, they said one thing more:
“There is no greater creature than us: DINOSAUR!”

One can not fight what does not exist
I see no reason for the sharks to persist
No need for struggle, no reason to resist
There are no dinosaurs, never were, I insist

Rhu’ you had the audacity to call me the naive fool
Obviously you bought into what was taught in school
Dinosaurs really never came out of the genetic pool
They were made up by liars who acted quite cruel

Created by fanatics who were against religion
They came upon a plan to fool the legions
Made up carbon dating and lied more than a smidgen
Fraud after fraud, believed by you stool pigeons

The world is actually twenty-two years old
Not tens of millions as you’ve been told
It was created when I came out of the mold
The world revolves around me, if I may be so bold

I know it seems unbelievable and quite a shock
But if you think about it, it makes sense. Chock
full o’ logic. Everything besides me that exists is a crock
And dinosaur fossils are just so much white rock.

Poor, dear Chickenscratch
Your naivete confounds
Me with your damnable accusations
And cheap compensations
The world is abounds
With evidence that hatch

New stories of old
Our own ancestry
The aboriginal Human Being
Except YOU! The unseeing
Eating your pastry
Not toasted but cold

You sit and dream
Of a time when sharks
Might finally rule
Oh what a fool
You are, in the dark
With your “Cookies ‘N Creme”

Ice-cream made
From shark’s cartilage
And that’s all they’re good for
Since time’s core
It seems the smarter age
That will never fade

Because of the ‘Saurs
(NOT sharks remember)
Leaving us few hints and clues
Mysterious news
DNA stuck in amber
Now in Antique Stores

But they gave us more yummies
The great Dinosaurus
Like words and food
And things that are good
Like “Thesaurus”
And Dinobites that are gummy

How could you dismiss
The obvious fact
That ‘Saurs are superior
And sharks are inferior
Sharks are so Whack!
And I would be remiss

If I did not
Once again emphasize
That you must
Start to trust
Me and realize
It’s not the ‘Saurs that rot

Today in this universe
But instead the banal
Sharks, in their seas of gloom
They should have stayed in the womb!
‘Cause ‘Saurs are in the annals
And in many the verse

Of Love and of Yore
For ‘Saurs we all yen
This world always will
But the sharks, like old swill
Will disappear in the end
Miscreations all poor.

O’ what fools we humans be!
With our lofty thoughts
(Mostly store-bought)
Er, I meant you of course, not me

There is a world of difference
Between you and I
Never a mistruth or lie
From my lips, always sense

Your blithering is inane
The words disconnect
And I will try to dissect
The ideas that cause me pain

You were way wrong
I’m not a cookies n creme fan
I like chubby hubby, Jackie Chan
And the occasional Rush song

Most of all I like them sharks
The monstrosities of the deep
So sleek, so swimmingly chic!
They can teleport and see in the dark!

Turn invisible at a moment’s notice
Shoot webs and fight crime
Drink dos equis with lime
Proficient with excel and lotus

They can read minds
And they don’t like yours
Better change your course
Or you’ll be in a bind

I know these secrets very well
They control me from the watery sea
I am a puppet to the shark hierarchy
They want me to do things I can’t tell

It all began when I went to the bahamas
I scuba dove in the ocean
That set things in motion
The sharks grabbed me by my cucucacas

They took me to their underground lair
Injected me with anesthesia
I fell into a coma and then a seizure
He spoke subliminally, their mayor

Told me about the dinosaurs
Their plan to take over the planet
To build time machines and man it
And come to our present through doors

That bridge the past with the future
Warp holes, dude
So I was pretty stewed
So was Anne Hooper of the Kama Sutra

(She was there too with her daughter
The sharks wanted to learn about sex
Just in case some crazy T-Rex
Sterilized their breeding waters)

Anyhoozy, I don’t remember much more
They implanted a chip in my neck
Anne Hooper gave me a quick peck
And some manta rays brought me ashore

All I know is that the dinos cannot succeed
If they do, my shark masters will die
And then I will be free and I….
Hey, wait a second… That’s just what I need!

If the dinosaurs beat em
I’ll come out of the spell!
All will be normal and well!
These dinosaurs – I gotta meet em!

Maybe I can help them out
Sell out the sharks, why not?
I got nothing to lose, unless I forgot
Their secret lairs and hideouts

Maybe I can come out ahead
Maybe get a Congressional
Medal! All it’ll take is a confessional
Of course the sharks will see red

I can handle them though
I have shark repellant spray
Tuna nets for the sting rays
I’ll first try to lay low

Wow, I’m a double agent!
Just like that Rush song!
Ah, it won’t be long
Until I win the Pageant

Oh, forget that last line
I’m not getting a sex change!
Haha, that idea is deranged!
Just forget I mentioned Divine

Stop staring at me like Im broken!
I did not shave my arms and legs!!
I am not replacing my scrotum with eggs!
Damn it all, I’ve outspoken

Shit. Where was I going with this?
Oh yeah. Dinosaurs and sharks
Okay I’m gonna go out on a lark
And assume no one cares a piss.

But if you do, so much the better
Write us at READ, send us a letter!