Sequels We’d Like To See

Articles | Jan 1st, 2004

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Addams Family 3 – Pugsley discovers masturbation and The Thing lends a hand. MC Hammer does the soundtrack for food.

Back To The Future 4– Marty goes back to 1955 and says screw it, and bangs his mother. His future brother and sister have arms growing out of their heads.

Batman 6– After defeating Danny DeVito, Jack Nicholson, and Tommy Lee Jones, Batman runs out of senior citizens to beat up. OR

Batman 6– After the economic downturn, Wayne Manor is sold and Batman is forced to bunk with Commissioner Gordan.

Beetlejuice 2– Michael Keaton tries to get his career back, but Winona Ryder steals it from him

Braveheart 2– it’s always fun watching the British get beaten up.

Charlie and The Chocolate Factory– Charlie finds out Wonka’s secret and discovers that the chocolate is coming from a Oompha Lompa sewage plant.

A Christmas Story 2– Ralphie, tired of people telling him he’d shoot his eyes out, grabs his rifle and becomes a sniper.

The English Patient 2– Just kidding.

E.T. 2: Now It’s Personal– ET comes back to earth in the year 3065 and realizes there is no more Reese Pieces being made. E.T. gets pissed and ends up blowing up the planet.

The Godfather Part IV– As along as there is no incest and a director’s big nosed daughter in this one, This can’t be that bad.

Jaws 25– The year is 2135 and sharks rule the planet. Only Vin Diesel can stop them.

Jingle All The Way 2: Santa’s Bloodbath– Arnold’s character is now divorced and his kid Jamie was killed by a mall Santa. It’s up to him to crack the case and to crack Santa’s skull open!

Memento 2– Continues where the last one left off. That is, before the movie begins. But backwards. Aw, fuck it.

Scary Movie 3– This time the Wayans spoof such “horror classics” like Scary Movie 1 and 2.

Schindler’s List 2– Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the concentration camp. (Editor’s Note: That’s from Adam!!)

The Seventh Sense– Haley Joel Osment gains the power to grow pubes

Star Trek: Pull The Plug– the crew takes their final voyage… to an old age home

Superman 5– Christopher Reeve becomes able to wiggle his toe (Editor’s Note: That’s from Adam too!!)

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 5– They all die from eating too many pizzas. Corey Feldman’s career officially ends.

Top Secret 2– This sequel revolves around Chocolate Moose and his personally vendetta against the nazis. “Viva La France!!!”

Toy Story 4– Buzz and Woody are confused by a new toy called Mr. Anal Beads

Tron 2– A new hacker gets zapped into his computer but suddenly it crashes and he’s forced to live with the Gigabyte people.

UHF 2– More classic hijacks and spoofs. The guy who throws poodles out the window has a larger role in the sequel.

Weird Science 2– Wyatt and Garett realize the mistake they made last time, and create another woman on their computer just to take a shower with her, the right way.

The Wiz 2– Michael Jackson returns to Oz to ask the Wizard for a vagina