Sharks Vs. Dinosaurs Part 1

Articles | Mar 6th, 2005

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The dinosaurs have been harassing the sharks. The sharks are boiling over with rage and murderous intent. The dinosaurs form alliances among themselves. The sharks circle around. Tensions are mounting. The world is a small place, after all, and not everyone can live peacefully with each other.

They’re going to decide it, once and for all. The winner will reign king of Earth. The loser will turn into fossil fuel. No punches will be held. No tooth and nail will be left unsharpened.

The hammerheads want to ram the anklyosaurs. The velicoraptors are heading for the great whites. Will the ground run with blood or the oceans? Run with blood, I mean. Not like, will the ground run with oceans. That makes no sense.

The sharks begin to hiss. The dinosaurs clench their double-jaws. The battle will soon begin.

Unforeseen factors soon pop up like Mexican jumping beans. Many things can sway the tide of victory. The sharks have brain, the dinosaurs brawn. But both have unlikely friends and unlikelier foes.

Prehistoric sharks: will they stand with their Mesozoic buddies or join forces with their estranged future selves? Alligators: can they remain silent? Will they help protect the waters, or will they turn on the sharks in favor of their reptilian buddies.

And what about monsters? Big, prehistoric monsters that we don’t even know about. Like, giant huge tremendous dinosaur-eating creature things. Will they swoop down when both sides have exhausted themselves? Will the victor stand or swim in triumph, only to turn around to face some huge meteor or something like that?

Birds. Will they try to help their forefathers, the dinosaurs? Perhaps small birds can’t be much help, but think about those condors! Whoever buys the condor loyalty gains a foothold in this epic story.

Where this battle is fought may also decide it. Surely, it can not just be on only land or only water. Both environs must be breached for complete domination of the physical world. Even the sky and outer space will find themselves to be reluctant battlegrounds. Maybe even the inside of the earth!

But sharks can’t walk on land, one insists. True. But one must never underestimate the intelligence of sharks. They will build suits filled with water, complete with sensorimotor appendages. They will conquer land, just as they did the far murky depths of our waters. and our souls.

Some dinosaurs, many know, can swim or wade. But these dinosaurs are commonly referred to in technical jargon as “the pussy-saurs.” Vegetable eating, cow-eyed hippies, a mockery of the giant brutal reptilian prehistoric profession. Will these peace and leaf-loving dinos be swayed by their brutal brethren? Will they fight, flank to flank, with such raw-ass brutal flesh-tearing whirlwinds of terror like the Steakosaurus? The Dimetap?

Geography isn’t the only consideration. How about time as well as space? It’s obvious that the sharks would master time travel first. They are, after all, smart cookies. But what if, on a scouting mission, one shark meets the wrong dinosaur. One of them brainosaurs? Like a hostile takeover of an international corporation, technology could soon change claws and fins.

The battle wouldn’t have to take place millions of years ago. It could take place now. Even as this is written.

Therefore, the importance of this battle must be stressed. We must logically deduct the victor now, to help prepare for our years of following servitude to our new masters. Dinosaur, shark, monster, or bird. Anyone can take title to “true earthling,” and I ain’t gonna be condescended by no bird.

Viewing this historic war can also give us the insight to the vulnerabilities of the future brutal rulers of this planet. We have overcome fascism, communism, even the French. We can overcome the dinosaurs. Sharks, I’m not so sure about.

Does it not excite you? The unleashed fury of a Great White? Their monster power ballads, their furious guitar licks and chops? What about the Whale Shark. The Thrasher Shark. The Bottlenose. The Hammerhead. The Tiger Shark. The Gummy Shark Bites. Huge teeth gnashing against the awesome leathery hides of the Brontosaurus. The Branchitis. The Pterodactyl. The Diplioorthodontist. And…the mighty king of brutality: the Tyrannosaurus Rex. Stay tuned next issue for more!