Articles | Jan 1st, 2004

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50 First Dates- I forget what happens.

Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London- 30-year old Frankie Munitz saves the world using gadgetry and bad special effects.

Barbershop 2: Back in Business- the business gets turned into a oriental massage parlor. Cedric the entertainer is still an employee.

Big Fish- Albert Finney tells the rest of his life story and then dies in a pool of his own vomit.

Butterfly Effect- Ashton manages to go through time to save his loved one. Only to get sued by Donnie Darko.

Dawn of the Dead- The dead survive and takeover the movie industry and continue making bad remakes.

Eurotrip- Boy meets German girl. Boy falls in love with German girl. German girl turns him into lampshade.

Hidalgo- The American dude wins the horse race in the Middle East. Terrorism begins.

Kill Bill Vol. 2- Bill is killed.

The Ladykillers- Tom Hanks and Marlon Wayans kill an old lady. Tom Hanks wins an Oscar for just being in a movie.

Mindhunters- The serial killer among the FBI group is discovered and the killer kills everyone and himself because he thought he had to eliminate every one in the group. Duh.

Miracle- Team USA wins, beating the USSR. The miracle is that the US was actually interested in hockey for a brief while.

Mona Lisa Smile- Julia Roberts gets a standing ovation as she’s awarded the teacher of the year award. Then, tragically, the roof caves in and kills the graduating class.

The Passion of the Christ- Jesus dies for our sins. Re-appears later on a potato chip.

The Perfect Score- kids realize cheating is wrong but end up becoming drop-outs anyway.

Spartan- The U.S Government special agent rescues the President’s daughter but finds out the President was the one who wanted her to die. Whoa, was Bush a consultant on this movie?

Starsky and Hutch- Don’t worry about it – you’re not going to see it anyway.

You Got Served- White boys beat black kids at street dancing. This movie must be in the fantasy genre.