The Library

Articles | Jul 17th, 2004

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As much as you try to avoid them, sooner or later you’ll be forced to enter your college library. Of course, it won’t be on your own accord — you’ll have to do a group presentation or project and the stupid group will want to meet there; a girl you like (and with whom you promised to study) might want to meet there; it’s cold and you don’t have a place to live… There are countless situations where you may unwillingly find yourself in egghead limbo. So what can you do to make the most of it?

For beginners:

1. Snicker at anatomy books. For the truly immature, this can be the most fun experience at a library. Peruse the medical section and chuckle at the female anatomy pictures. Good exclamations to annoy your schoolmates are “Boobies!! Boobies!!” “That’s a urinary infection?” and “Where’s her skin?? OH SWEET MERCIFUL LORD WHERE’S HER SKIN??”

2. Pick a fight. These people are your sworn enemies. They’re the ones that make you look bad in school. Good grades, perfect attendance, good hygiene… Jerks, all of them. Learn em’ a lesson.

3. Pickpocket. Library-goers are always leaving their backpacks and coats around, while they look for dumb books. Now’s your chance to “permanently borrow” some cell phones and Palm Pilots. Sure, you only need one cell phone, but you can sell the rest for crack.

4. Read children’s books with an intense, almost dangerous expression. This is fun. Pick up a children’s book and read it out loud, slowly, but with frenzied passion. I used to do this with R.L. Stine’s Goosebumps books. “AHH!!! The hamster is growing!! No.. No… NOOO!!! IT’S BECOMING A MONSTER!!!” and I’d roll around with the book, covering my eyes, spittle flying everywhere. A friend mentioned it’s more fun to do this while holding a book that has nothing to do with your fit. For instance, he’d flail around with a Dr. Seuss book saying, “Don’t go where the wild things are!!! DON’T GO!!!” and then burst into tears.

5. Ruin the endings. Life is short and you gotta keep busy. But some people need help getting back on track. Thus, it will save many of your schoolmates’ time if you tell them how their books end. And if you don’t know the ending (i.e. you haven’t seen the movie version), just make one up! And never fail to mention that it’s the worst book you’ve ever read.

Advanced:

6. Bring a karaoke machine. Everyone in a library loves hearing karaoke.

7. Sex in a private room. Incredibly, many college libraries have private rooms for people who are doing group work. So why pay upwards of 100 bucks on a motel room when you can get a couple of free hours at the library? Plus, there’s usually have a nice big conference table to get jiggy wit it. Here’s the prob though – most libraries are catching on, especially since most of us just leave the used condoms on the bookshelves, and they require more than two people to sign in. This is easy to get around. Bring a buddy and kick em out once they’ve signed in (or let them stay and take pictures, it’s up to you.)

8. Eat the books. This takes practice and is recommended for only the expert library-hater. Here’s what you do: Walk around the library, feigning utmost selectivity with the books you take off the shelves. “Yes! This one!” you shout excitedly as you pick out each book. Bring the pile of books to a table, sit down, and put on a bib. Then proceed to rip pages out of the top book, crumpling the pages into balls, which you then stuff into your mouth. Once in awhile, look around with a sheepish grin and say, “Good books!”