The Myths Behind Accounting

Articles | By on Jul 17th, 2004

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Many people have misconceptions regarding accounting. As a junior accountant and accounting major, I feel it is my duty to dispel any rumors. Here are the most common remarks I hear, each followed by my clarification.

1) Accounting is boring. Not so! People believe that sitting at a desk all day, under florescent lights with lists of numbers in front of you, is not as exciting as say, being a doctor or secret agent. Rubbish! I remember once, this was back in 95, the xerox machine in the office broke down. This was at 9 PM, the night before Tax Day (April 15th). Everyone panicked. We had to get these returns done and mailed in three hours, or else our clients would have to file for extensions and possibly pay late fees. I recall the intensity and frustration in the air as my boss screamed and kicked at the machine and I brainstormed solutions. I finally suggested we go to Kinko’s, which is what we ended up doing. We got there around 10, and worked our asses off to get it done in time. I’ll never forget how exciting it was to be racing against the clock, our bodies chock full of adrenaline.

2) You need to be great at math to be an accountant. Ha! If that were the case, I’d be the worst junior accountant in the world. I failed math in school so many times that I cringe at the words “limit,” “matrix,” and “cosine.” Accounting has nothing to do with math; it has to do with numbers and money. All you need to know is addition and subtraction, and you’ve got an adding machine right in front of you. I’ve never needed any higher math — trigonometry, algebra, calculus, geometry, or statistics — for counting rows of numbers.

3) Accountants are geeks. Oh, really? I went to work everyday in khakis and T-shirts and listened to metal and ska while I did major companies’ payroll. Unless my boss was there, in which case we listened to doo-wop. Point is, I don’t wear glasses, I enjoy drinking and goofing off just like the next guy. I am also poorly-groomed and I haven’t played D&D in a good six months.

4) Accountants have small penises. Ppff! I’d like to find the person who started this nasty rumor and look at the size of his penis! I wouldn’t say all accountants are well-endowed, but the ones I’ve seen have ranged from.. umm, forget it.

5) Accountant all have big asses. Hogwash! Agreed, a good amount of accountants get chubby from sitting behind a desk all day without exercise, but I myself am skinny as a rake. In fact, I’d say a good 10% of accountants aren’t overweight. And the ones who are a tad obese did not become that way from filing returns or entering cash disbursements data, but from having the money to buy good, unhealthy foods. That’s right, no matter what the occupation, if it makes you rich you can afford the luxury of twinkies and goobers.

So you see, ladies and gentlemen, accounting is so much more than tedious office work! It involves and creates enthusiasm, studliness, and machismo. That’s why almost all accountants are male — Because it’s a career that revolves around masculinity! I have to go now because Days is on. Until next time, remember, if you see an accountant on the street, don’t spit on them! They might just help you out with your taxes and advise you to write off more deductions!!

Update: I’m not the only rockin’ accountant in town! The H-Dawg, taught freestyle accountin’ on the streets by the late CPA-ONE (who was killed in lock-up; you will be avenged bruthah!!!), writes for The Onion about his accountin’ skillz, slashin accounts payabo fuckas with his letter opena of death, and hanging with the fly honeys in human resources. Go to www.theonion.com, find the archives link, and search for anything written by Herbert K.