Top 10 Ways To Ruin Harry Potter

Articles | Jul 17th, 2007

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With Pottermania reaching a fever pitch, I thought it might be a good idea to get the asshole engines revving. Because really, what better pleasure is there than ruining the ending to one of our generation’s most beloved series? Now I don’t exactly know the ending yet, but here are ten of the best ways to make everyone you know hate you.

10. Spam Email
The plan is to advertise for something that everyone needs, like suprcheap viagara’ or REAL ROLEX WATCHS’ and then, when you click the email, instead of finding out about the products, your readers will in fact find out the ending of the seventh Harry Potter book, poorly misspelled and rife with grammatical errors. Hey, it’s their fault if they forgot to put the junk email filter on.

9. Pull A Lloyd Dobler
Just like John Cusack’s character in Say Anything, you can put a boombox over your head and stand on people’s lawns. They’ll think it’s really romantic until they realize you’ve changed the words to Peter Gabriel’s In Your Eyes to reflect the shock ending of Harry Potter. This time, you might get more than just a pen.

8. Send It By Owl
I really have no idea how efficient owls are as note carriers, but if you can capture a dozen or so local owls and attach notes to their legs, the whole town will be abuzz. At first they’ll think it’s just a promotional gimmick, but soon they’ll realize that they’re being infiltrated by spoilers.

7. Kabuki Play
By using the ancient Japanese style of theatre, you will both amaze and confuse most of your audience. They may not in fact even understand what is going on until the most pretentious audience member (which will be a planted colleague) will suddenly go, “oh! Of course! I get it now. The samurai warrior can’t marry the geisha because he’s from the wrong part of the country. Oh, and ______ dies in Harry Potter.” And the rest of the audience will pretend they understood all along.

6. Play Broken Telephone
Unless you’ve never been six years old, you know exactly what this is and what you can do with it, purple monkey dishwasher.

5. Vlog on YouTube
Although it is probably the worst Internet-based term, vlogging is one of the most popular ways to spout an opinion nobody cares about. Perhaps all nine of your subscribers will be shocked, but we all know that six of them are in your direct family and only added you because you begged them.

4. Write on the Wall of the Train Station Bathroom
There should be enough room in between the scrawls of ‘for a good time call Jenny 867-5309’ and ‘my dick is 10 inches ‘, you should find just enough room to outline the entire plot of the novel. The entire transient community should know the book’s outcome before all of the nerds still waiting in line for a copy.

3. Post on Readjunk.com’s Forum
Whether a troll, a n00b, or just post-curious, there’s no better way to get all of us to hate you than posting the ending of the novel. Fortunately, we have the power to strike back, with members from no less than 3(!) countries, and some as far north as Canada! So try your best. We will find you.

2. Tell The Goldblum
Because we all know the biggest gossip in Hollywood, and very possibly the world, is the original Mac hucker, Sir Jeff Goldblum. If you tell one Goldblum, he’ll tell 30,000 people, who will in turn faint from his overwhelming power, and then when coming to, tell 25 more people, who will faint from their proximity to the Goldblum, etc. Soon the world will be under his powerful spell…oh, and they’ll know the ending of the book too, I guess.

1. Write An Article Called Top 10 Ways To Ruin Harry Potter
What? Shock twist to the article? Oh yes, because I’m going to spoil it right now. The ending is….Darth Vader is Luke’s Father! Can you believe it? What a shock!