TV Shows We’d Like To See

Articles | By on Jan 1st, 2004

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AAH: Amputee Aerobics Hour (ESPN)
Aerobic Instructors Joe No Legs and Susan Stumpy take the audience through one exercise of their choice. It takes an hour because, well…you know.

ALF: Alien Autopsy (FOX)
Were these images faked? Or did U.S. army surgeons really dissect ALF? “I kill me!” No, we killed you. Find out how on FOX.

American Gladiators – Pregnant Women Edition (Game Show Network)
Self explanatory.

Amazing Superior Race (CNN)
Jesse Helms, Louis Farrakhan, Ariel Sharon, and Yassir Arafat compete in a battle royale wrestling match on which race is better.

Another Fucking Hitler Documentary (History Channel)
Seriously, every time I turn on History Channel, it’s fucking WWII.

Caught On Tape: Grandparents Mating (The Health Network)
It’s bad enough some people catch their parents screwing, imagine walking in on your grandfather doing your grandma doggy style!!

Celebrity Castrations (NBC)
David Arquette, Andy Dick, and Carrot Top have to find one redeemable thing about their careers, or else…

Colin Quinn’s “Change Mister?” (Comedy Central)
Colin Quinn is out of a job and needs a jug of cheap wine. Watch people give him nickels so he won’t tell any jokes.

Cowboy Dating Game (CMT)
Each week a new cowboy or farmer tries to find that special someone. Contestants vary from a sheep, a horse, and the contestants’ sisters.

E! True Hollywood Story: Colin Farrell’s Penis (E! Television)
Find out what has Hollywood shrieking in delight and terror. We talk with family members, his fiancee, girlfriends, ex-girlfriends, girlfriends’ ex-girlfriends, and strippers he hardly knows. We take you behind the hood of… Colin Farrell’s Penis.

Fat Girl Dodge Ball (ESPN)
Like shooting fish in a barrel, big rubber balls get pelted at large women at high velocity. Last big girl standing wins an hour at Bally’s.

Hick-Olympics (TNN)
See how many beers you can crush on your head while beating your wife, and kicking your children. Kid Rock hosts the show.

I’m With Busey (Comedy Central)
A retarded kid hangs around the blithering and psychotic head-injury known as Gary Busey. What? They actually made this??

Meet My Stool (Food Network)
One lucky girl will meet a guy’s stool sample and take it home to show the folks. The stool will seek approval from the father to marry his daughter.

The New NEW Tom Green Show (MTV)
Tom Green gets more and more irritating and less and less funny with yet another new show! See how long he can stretch out his fifteen minutes!!

The Polish Olympics (PBS)
Contestants compete in very serious, intense events like putting in a lightbulb, tying a shoe, painting a house.

Real World: Liberia (MTV)
This week: Brandy gets raging mad at Tony for eating her groceries. Things steam up in the hot tub when Cindy and Robert play a naughty game of Truth or Dare. And Mustafo gets his arms chopped off by rebel soldiers who seek to control the local diamond mines.

Retard Bowling (ESPN 2)
Handicap people compete in this thrilling 7 hour bowling match, and that’s just one game!

Russian Sex Roulette (Spice)
One guy must sleep with 30 women and find out which one has crabs. The twist is, all of them have it.

Survivor: Israel (CBS)
Things get unkosher when contestants have to live in the desert, avoid suicide bombers and surly border soldiers, and eat raw falafel for immunity.

Trading Boxes (TLC)
Homeless people get their cardboard boxes and trash bins made over. Interior designers Hobo McGee and Bus Station Lou return next week to demonstrate how to cover that uriney smell with some pine tar.

VH1’s Top 100 Most Annoying Top 100 Countdowns (VH1)
From the Top 100 Worst One-Hit Wonders to the Top 100 Girls With Red Hair Who Like Cheese, this ultimate top 100 revisits all the top 100s you regretfully sat through… for hours on end… because you’re a fat loser who can’t get off the couch.

Weakest Stink (Game Show Network)
A game show consisting of fat people, crack addicts, white trash Americans, bums, and French women. The live studio audience participates with the show and tries to find the person who’s smells the worst. The people with the weakest stink will be sent to the showers.

Which Mailman Nailed Mommy? (CBS)
Every week, a different son picks from three mailmen to choose which one stuffed Mommy’s mailbox.

World’s Funniest Tommy Lee Home Videos (MTV)
You won’t believe what neighbors caught on tape! Watch Tommy Lee slip and fall on his naked ass! Watch his whack himself in the nads with a cat-o-nine-tails! Check out the blooper of Pamela Lee using “too much teeth.”