A Personal and Cultural Retrospective by Your Hero and Inspiration by Frederico el Guapo
Many debates and articles have raged to discover what is the best musical artist or piece of music ever, but for some reason the true answer is always overlooked. And what is the true answer? “Jump Around”, of course! What other song could be so super-badass while still being totally commercial and played in lots of commercials and sporting events and movies and stuff? And how was it so successfully badass and commercial? Jump Around combines everything that’s great about rap, like smacking ho’s and dissing cops (“I never eat a pig because a pig is a cop!” Genius!!!) with the super-radness of being Irish and stuff. Now THAT, my friends and faithful readers, is pure underadulterated awesome.
It’s no secret that I’m the worlds manliest man and a total superbadass, but (don’t be shocked!) I wasn’t always like that. That’s right! Once I was a dorky little suburban kid, playing chess and writing dorky but brilliant essays (like this, only wussier), until one day I heard Jump Around and my whole world was turned UPSIDE DOWN TO THE EXTREME!!!! You know those movies where the stupid dirty hippies have the montage of a lifechanging experience, with the lame 60s music and psychedelic images and crap? It was like that only I was transported to a world of ass kicking leprechauns and super badass poison shamrocks and shit. And who can still be a little wiener when hearing lyrics like “someone’s talking junk, yo, I’ll bust em in the eye and then I’ll take the punks home”? And once I heard “Try’n to play me out like as if my name was Sega. But I ain’t going out like no punk bitch!”, I dropped my sega controller, instantly lost 50 pounds of fat and put on a hundred pounds of muscle, and all my acne cleared up, and suddenly I had two really hot girls on each arm, and when anyone saw me, they’d be all “Holy crap that guy is so scary and badass yet so manly, I wish I were him!” if it was a guy or “Oh my god that guy makes me so hot and horny!!!” if it was a girl. And all that happened before the song was even over the first time I heard it! Amazing!
And think of how they’ve changed the course of history with this little irish ditty. Think about it – would uber Republican Arnold Shwartzwelder have been elected president of stupid Liberalfornia in that special election a few years back if House of Pain hadn’t totally upped his badass streetcred by referencing him in Jump Around a decade earlier? I think not! In fact, Gray Davis would probably still be bankrupting the joint and, like, banging prostitutes with public funds while murdering orphans in the California White House Presidential Palace, or whatever the hell he was doing, if it weren’t for these great musicians. Think about it, jerks!
And what else? Do you think that Histories Greatest President George W Bush would of had the steely nervy resolve to stand up to the Surrendocrats and free Iraq from Saddam Insane if House of Pain hadn’t assured him that it was okay to be “here to drop bombs”? No! In fact, I’m pretty sure it was House of Pain’s tireless campaigning efforts that brought the Republicans into power in 1994 and made the country the rich, powerful, debt-free, gun-strokingly crime-free, well-loved super-moral world leader it is today! I read about it somewhere – probably Maxim, because it’s the only magazine manly enough for me to bother with. And think about other averted disasters besides continued Democrat control! Would Y2K have been stopped from destroying the universe if the crack team of superprogrammers who stopped it hadn’t been rocking out to Jump Around? No!
And what about culture? Do you think M&M could’ve become a super successful white rapper if House of Pain hadn’t saved the world of white rap from the destruction wrought by Vanilla “Go ninja go ninja go” Ice? No! And would Robin Williams ever have had a career if he hadn’t rocked out to Jump Around in Ms Doubtfire? No! The world of comedy owes a vast debt to House of Pain! And would kids have continued playing video games if they couldn’t rock out to Jump Around while shooting stuff and jumping on mushrooms and crap? No! Xbox, PSP3 and Wee all owe a huge debt of continued gaming revenue to House of Pain!
Yes friends, it’s hard to believe maybe that one song could have such a stunning impact on the world of entertainment AND the world of sociopolitical stuff. But when that song is spectacular like Jump Around, it can do all that and more. Like help form the world’s greatest superbadass, yes, yours truly, Frederico el Guapo.