Your Favourite Band Sucks: Mars Volta

Articles | Oct 21st, 2006

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Review of Amputechture by the Mars Volta

Prog rock was never cool. And while lead singer Cedric Bixler-Zavala of neo-prog rock band the Mars Volta has one of the coolest white-guy fros in rock music, that doesn’t mean his band can crap out a disc of music as shitty as their newest album Amputechture. Nearly unlistenable and a struggle to finish at 76 minutes, someone forgot to tell the group that having Spanish song titles and extended feedback solos does not mean that your music is challenging’ or diverse’. It mostly means that it sucks.

What’s worse is that they advertise that the coked up dude from the Red Hot Chili Peppers did some guitar noodlery on the album. If anything, they should do their best to conceal that. Now the album’s more tainted than ever. Quite frankly, Lou Reed’s Metal Machine Music is far more soothing than the fucking obnoxious blasts of gratuitous noise. No, not the guitar sound – I’m talking about Bixler’s voice. It’s nine times as bad as the sound of mice slowly being grated against an electric washboard. Yes, nine times.

I shudder to think that this is what has become of At The Drive-In. Bixler’s voice has only gotten more annoying, and 17 minute song runtimes really just prove that you can take a 30 second song idea you came up with while high and play it just slow enough that it gets through to crack-addicted potheads. That is really the only logical audience for this album; I bet if you watch it at the same time as Half Baked you’ll notice that every time someone smokes up, a music reviewer dies of boredom and fear that people may actually like this.

Luckily I’ve had practice with shitty music and am almost immune. But for a while the little sci-fi noises in the background were getting to me. I was sure I was beamed up to the planet this fucking band came from….probably Jupiter or wait – Mars. But personally I think that’s an insult to Mars Bars. Maybe they should change their name to the Pluto Volta because in the same way said planet got rejected, this band should be ejected from our solar system.