With the West Coast playing wimp emo and the East Coast playing guyliner garage, you have to head to the center of the country to find the true poppy punk that the Ramones left us before they abandoned this mortal coil. And so Youngstown, Ohio is where I found myself when my private plane touched down to meet The Hollywood Blondes, who emulate the mighty, mighty sounds of Screeching Weasel and the Queers.

Guitarist and lead vocalist Stiv Reynolds met me an hour later at his favorite massage parlor. Both of us face down and worked on by a wiry Asian man who looked strangely like Dee Dee Ramone, I asked about the incredibly hot girl hawking their infamous pink shirts on their Myspace page. Lying face down soon became uncomfortable.

Let’s get the most important questions out of the way first. Who is the cute girl on your Myspace page? How did you get her to plug your gear? Will she marry me?
You’d be talking about Maite. She’s a kickass girl from Spain who fronts a pop punk band out there called Viernes 13. How [did we get her to plug our gear]? I have no idea. We became friends online and we sent her some merch. She’s totally rad and we thank her for it. As for the marriage… You’d have to ask her. Just make sure you know the 3rd and 4th positions.

I don’t know what that means, but okay. So you’re from this crazy town of Youngstown, Ohio. What’s there to do here on a Friday night?
Watch cover bands, drink dollar Straub, go to strip clubs that don’t allow lap dances…. oh and smoke outside. It’s like hell without the flames.

What’s your favorite kind of snack chip?
This is a TOUGH fucking question. I don’t know about Bagger and Billy but I’m always down with Sun Chips; the harvest cheddar or french onion. I also love Snyders sea salt and malt vinegar chips. Fan-fucking-tastic.

Wrong. The correct answer was “Tostitos Flour Tortilla Chips.” What’s the strangest thing a fan has ever said to you?
Well, before we played in Jersey this past summer, one kid asked me to sign his sock. I asked him, “Don’t you wanna hear us play first?” That was weird, but that dude is cool. Some nasty older chick said “nice to meet you” and grabbed my cock at our last show. Later in the night she didn’t hesitate to show Billy and I her “unmentionables” while waiting for her ride on a busy Harrisburg street. Oddly enough, that lady hadn’t seen us play either.

What are three very important things that people don’t know about the Hollywood Blondes?
A. We’re not as big of dicks as people think we are.
2. We don’t have as big of dicks as people think.
III. We have new pink shirts…….I think you may have heard.

If the Hollywood Blondes were a type of repulsive, deviant sexual act, which would they be and why?
Well, a cleveland steamer would be just too cliche. Maybe bagpiping. Definitely not frodding or docking. If it were THE WORST deviant sexual act, wed be talking about the red sock. if you don’t know what that is, ask Batfish.

What puts you in a blind rage?
Me? I’d say my job. Working in a discount grocery store every night that’s in the heart of the ghetto isn’t really as glamorous as it sounds.

Would you give up the ability to play and write music for the rest of your life if it meant giving Joey Ramone 20 more years to live?
According to this, he’d still be alive.

Who in your band is the weakest link?
That’d be me (Stiv). I cant really play guitar that well. As far as strongest? I’d say Billy. He’s a machine behind those drums. Plus, he can actually play “other” styles of music.

I didn’t ask about the strongest and I don’t appreciate your taking liberties with my questions. This interview is over. But following up – the Myspace girl…. think she’s into me?
You’re falling in a little deeper. I think you’ve got Spanish fever.

When they’re not quoting Chixdiggit, The Hollywood Blondes rock it out over at here. Their latest album is 15 Minutes of Lame.