What I had hoped would be a romantic evening turned into a band interview when I sat down with Colin, bassist and co-singer of The Challenged. In a neighborhood populated by hipster wannabes with vacant stares and fake heroin addictions, Brooklyn’s The Challenged rock out highly energetic and catchy pop punk.
Tell me about your troubled childhood.
When I was 8, every kid in the neighborhood had a skateboard. Hard as I tried, I could never ollie. Also, I shit my pants a lot while primitively masturbating. Kids, right?!
What discourages you?
Sometimes, my SARS flares up, and I just don’t want to get out of bed. But then I think, hey, that never stopped Lance Armstrong.
Is lasting happiness possible?
Is there something you want to talk about? Look, let’s not go down this road again, Adam. We were young. I was in a weird place. I had to leave so I could grow. You will find someone else. I promise.
Why do you suppose that after tens of thousands of years of evolutions, humans still have trouble communicating with each other?
People keep saying “heighth”, “supposebly” and “irregardless.” That’s fucking why.
What is your long-term goal and how will you reach it?
I’ve always wanted to be interviewed by someone with a giant penis. I will reach it by finding some strapper that’s swinging some serious pipe, and ask him to interview me.
If The Challenged was a three-course meal, what would be the appetizer, entree, and dessert?
The appetizer would be oysters ROCKefeller. The entree would be grilled ROCK shrimp. and dessert? You guessed it: a nice fruit salad.
Do you think my having a huge penis has made me arrogant?
(Note to self: goal!) I think your huge penis has made you a national treasure.
Read any good books lately?
Yes. Half the Blood of Brooklyn by Charlie Huston. Go out and buy every book he has written. here
What’s your advice on overcoming obstacles?
Keep your knees bent, stay low, and run behind your pads.
If people want to touch my penis because it’s so freakishly large, should I let them?
This question is crazy. Should Neil Diamond sing? Should Johnny Weissmuller swim? Should Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, use frontier practices to heal the sick? Share your gift with the world.