The Hamburglar

Interviews | Mar 22nd, 2008

By popular demand, this is the exclusive 2005 Read Magazine Interview with the formerly incarcerated arch criminal and political crusader, The Hamburglar. The Hamburglar talks about Hamburger addiction, hatred for clowns, sibling rivalry, and Mumia Abu Jamal!

I appreciate you taking out the moment from your incarceration and tennis game to for this interview.

Don’t mention it, besides, I need a break from the courts. My cell mates tell me my backhand leaves much to be desired. I’d like to start by maintaining my innocence and utter disdain to all those who abused their power to place me in confinement.

I presume you are referring to your long time denial of the crimes you are currently serving a life sentence.

Yes. This conspiracy, if you will, stretches from the highest tier of politicians who grossly misuse the governmental powers and responsibilities given to them by the working class citizens of McDonaldland.

What of all the evidence of your 30 year plot to steal hamburgers, not to mention your assault on Mayor McCheese in 1982?

First of all, I am the Hamburglar, the modern day Robin Hood as I was coined by my supporters in the past. If I am guilty of anything, it is fighting for the common people of the city I was born and raised. The real victims are the citizens of McDonaldland, those working for below minimum wage while the wealthy upper class gets fat on profit, sloth, and hamburgers.
Mayor McCheese is the charlatan, the real guilty one. Does anyone not question the position he has held for 30 years? Have you ever heard of a 30-year Mayoral term? At that point, Mayors cease to be and are simply dictators.

Your assault on Mayor McCheese was hardly an action done in the name of the citizens of Mcdonaldland. In fact, many people have called it a self centered and delusional action by a criminal and addicted fiend.

I am always the first to admit the curse of my illness.
When you have a debilitating addiction, nothing becomes real and you try to satisfy these needs at all cost.

You attempted to bite his head. You even attempted to decapitate him and place his head on a giant plate.

The man has a hamburger for a head. It forces the ill to do strange things.
I am very fortunate to survive that period of time in my life. Through the help of the clinic
and my personal dietitian, I was able to convert myself into a strict Vegan diet.
It was my salvation from addiction and near death experience from meat withdrawal that gave me the ability to see the magnitude of my dependency. It also sparked the genesis of my organization, the Anti-Hamburger Coalition.

Fortunately, for you , Mcdonaldland has its own unique legal and solar system.

Also, my attorneys at Grimace and Grimace were excellent. They got me a life sentence in dog years.

Your estranged half brother, millionaire playboy Alfred E. Neuman wrote in his autobiography “What Me Worry?” of his childhood experiences coping with your insatiable appetite for crime and hamburgers.
What was your response to the best-selling book?

That “book” is an incredible work of fiction with no validity to it what so ever.
Alfred is a chronic liar. He has and will always be. He owes his fame and fortune to me. It was I who coined the phrase “What me Worry?” The only thing he really has ownership to is “Robble, Robble,” a catch phrase I was forced to use after my first media exposed heist. Please, let’s not talk about this.

So Hamburglar, despite incarceration in the lavish minimum-security detention center of McPrison Estates, we hear that you maintain an extremely busy schedule.

I’ve been working on my second book, tentatively titled “I hate Clowns.” I still run the coalition, a full time job. My organization recently bought a cow for disabled war veterans recently. Oh yeah, I also played the lead in the McPrison estate’s production of William Shakespeare’s The Tempest. I was Prospero. It is quite good.

Tell us about your relationship with other famous inmates.

Well, I am in constant contact with Mumia Abu Jamal, who has become a really good friend of mine. We got in touch with each other after he started writing letters to me in praise of the charity work that the
Anti-Hamburger Coalition does for Vegans . He is a great guy. He gives me awesome cooking advice for gourmet vegetarian meals and new age diets!

Any last words to READers?
I will close with a passage by William Blake ( Hamburglar grabs a book from under his armchair and puts on his reading glasses).
“A robin red breast in a cage. Puts all heaven in a rage.”