There are many good things I can say about The Jerks. For one, they’re not emo. Also, they have never physically assaulted me (besides their music). And, finally, they have never taken a dump on my face (besides their music). I was intrigued by this unrefined punk band and I traveled down to the swamplands of Atlanta, Georgia to learn more about what makes this dirty bomb tick. I sat uncomfortably on a thread-bare, beat-up couch on their lawn, with Jerks members Hall and Jeff. A filthy, unkempt girl played with mud in the middle of the street.

Your music is sort of like a 5-year-old’s idea of what punk should be. Oh, and this 5-year-old is also autistic and deaf. But how would YOU describe your music?
That kid’s ability to draw has nothing to do with our musical talent. Anyhow, as far as how good we are, deaf people happen to like us a lot, and we’re so good that people tend to get overwhelmed while we play and have to leave the room. In fact, at our last show, Ken from the Methadones said, “You really know how to clear a room.” Our band is, of course, only a small part of a company that Jeff and I have started called Party Killers, where we act as assassins for anyone who might need a party killed. In the past we’ve set up and played a party, not stopping until everyone left. We should have a website up soon, so be looking for us. We feel we’re filling a much needed void in the service industry.

But shouldn’t you focus your energies on doing something productive, like greeting people at Wal-Mart or studying for your GED?
Hall: As college graduates (and, no, not from ITT Tech), Jeff and I have learned quite a bit about the world, which we think shines through in every one of our songs. I would challenge any non-college graduate to write such meaningful songs as ours. And Jeff is actually a teacher at the moment. We know that the children are the future, so why not give them some of our brilliant insights early on?

Jeff: My pants look like they have an erection. I don’t but I’m sitting down and it just looks like it.

Has anyone ever cried at one of your shows?
Only because they were overwhelmed by the beauty of one our songs, I think it was “FILF,” to be exact. Possibly while we sang the final verse,

“I remember how I used to like girls
But since I’ve seen this dad I’ve been in another world
All it fucking took was seeing him walk down the street
Now I traded in the taco for some balls and meat”

But seriously, we made these fatass kids from Tennessee cry because we played our song “That’s Cute” about girl bands, and they took offense. It’s hard to imagine that someone could take the lyrics…

“But the 70’s are over
So get your ass to a stove
Get the guitar strap off your shoulder
Men are talking so know your role”

…seriously, but they did. After we played, we ran with the idea and they got so mad that they cried to the club owner. It was beautiful.

What’s the worst piece of hate mail you’ve received?
We love each and every piece of hate mail we get, so it’s hard to choose. This wasn’t written directly to us, but it was most definitely about us, so I think it qualifies (as awesome as this is, we’re not making it up. Some guy named Joe Fish wrote it, and we cream our jeans every time we read it):

“Hey you know I hardly ever email you and when I do its never to complain, so please just hear me out this time ok. I love the Venue, I love punk music and usually all the people and bands associated with the whole punk scene., but I have to tell you if Tuesday night had been the first punk show I had been to I would never fucking attend one again, The Jerks were the biggest assholes I have ever seen, that fucking talked bullshit in between some of the worst fucking music ever played to an audience.”

I’m smiling after reading that again. Seriously, please send us more.

Would you take a batch in the face to further your career?
So that wasn’t you at the last show? Where’s our contract you promised?

Yeah… that wasn’t me… would you like me to further your career?
If you really mean it this time.

So, who is the biggest jerk in your band?
Fade to Jeff and Hall sitting on the couch, both intently listening to the interviewer. They look at each other and say:

Jeff: It’s Hall.
Hall: It’s Jeff.
Together: We both said each other’s name at the same time!

Cue laugh track.

Fade to next question.

Who is your arch-nemesis in the punk scene?
Ryan, this giant douchebag that after reading this will probably threaten to beat us up like he threatened to beat up a 15 year old a while ago because that kid didn’t like his band. In fact, it’s not just him, it’s everything he’s involved with, like his shitty website that reads as if it were written by an illiterate 12 year old and his stupid “record company.” He talks like he’s the next savior of punk rock but he’s really just a compulsive liar that somehow hoodwinks people quite often. In fact, Hall was in his band for two shows before he quit, as they were the worst possible shows anyone could ever play due to the major suckfest happening on bass (that would be Ryan). You know, sometimes it’s actually kinda fun to talk shit like this. Of course we’ll have to deal with him threatening us or something. Who cares. The guy is like a boil on the ass of the Atlanta pop punk/whatever scene. And it’s not like there’s much of a scene there anyways. But you know, other than that he’s a great guy. (Editor’s Note: ReadJunk takes no responsibility and assumes no liability for bands’ stupid opinions.)

I took a massive, giant, lumpy shit today. I think it even had a pulse. Can it be in your band?
Is it named Ryan? No, but really, sure. I’d guess it’s a better musician than any of us.

When you guys break up, where should I send the thank you note?
We’ll never break up. It’s hard to break up when you’re not a real band.

Plug your shit!

Well I mean Jeff does that pretty often. Oh, I guess you meant for us to tell everyone that we’re recording a new album “Please Take This Personally” in the next couple of weeks, and we should have shirts for sale by the end of the week. But in all reality, we’ll probably just end up sending the shirts to our future babies’ mommas in lieu of child support. And as always check out our myspace at here. Also, check out the Gullibles, they’re actually great and worth listening to: here. Fuckwits.