Family Force 5 “Dance Or Die”

Album Reviews | Aug 31st, 2008

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Record Label: EMI/Tooth & Nail
Genre: Emo/Dance/Nu-Metal
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Whoever signed this band has a lot to answer for. This is so fucking bad I want to see everyone associated with it suffer. If there’s another sequel to Saw, it should feature this band, and it should be a documentary.

Why am I reacting so strongly? Normally I ignore and quickly forget really shitty bands. But Family Force 5 are clearly trying to push my buttons by being the worst band ever manufactured.

Their music mixes up:

1. Emo
2. Nu-Metal
3. Justin Timberlake-like white boy funk
4. Disco
5. Dance punk
6. 80s Casio new wave
7. Christian rock

Obviously, they’re trying to pander to every trend all at once, but this combination is like mixing rotten seafood with spoiled dairy products, seasoned with fetid chunks of diarrhea, and baked at 350 for an hour inside my hairy asshole.

Even if you could stomach the awful genres and pathetic trend-hopping, they don’t even execute any of it well. And that surprised me, because I’m sure they got songwriting help from their major label, assorted life coaches, and Jesus.

Instead, this is the very worst cross-section of every craptastic tune on college radio, done poorly and wrapped up together in a package that’s the audio equivalent of ten syphilis-addled homeless men vomiting in a box.

I wouldn’t give this CD to my worst enemy, and I’ve made Debbie Gibson/Korn/Yellowcard mixes for my worst enemy. I don’t even want to throw this out, because I’m afraid it would insult the other garbage.

You’re of course entitled to your own opinion. However, if you like this band, I implore you to jump in front of a bus to prevent diluting our gene pool any further, you blithering fucking moron.

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