I believe what Marty McFly said about accomplishing whatever we put our minds to. Though I guess it helps to have a genius inventor for a friend and access to plutonium. With that in mind, these are my resolutions for 2010, which I believe are not only possible but easily attainable, in part because I don’t need to better myself in any way.
1. Meet that world-traveling silly dance guy.
2. Seduce him and force him to settle down after many years of silly dancing. He will therefore grow to resent me and will ultimately return to dancing, a slow, bitter dance that will make the children of the world cry and run away in fear.
3. Following the success of Transformers, pitch a live-action Snorks film and cast myself as Tooter Shellby, a tooting Snork gone mad by the sea.
4. Win an Academy Award for my riveting portrayal of Tooter Shellby, crazy Snork.
5. Design a tampon specifically for emo bands.
6. Volunteer my time for a good cause. LOL!
7. Finally catch that elusive, slippery, slippery elm, used in so many of my medicated teas.
8. Write a bestselling book on how the true secrets of Jesus’ life can be found in the painting “Dogs Playing Poker.”
9. Write a hilarious joke book on all the things that are funny about peace, love, and understanding.
10. Become the first Jew to get intestinal cramps… ON THE MOON!