2006, what a year! Americans woke up and voted out the GOP, Justin Timberlake brought the sexy back, and important terms like “popozao” and “macaca” joined our distinguished lexicon. But what was truly the ultimate best stuff about 2006? Look no further, because I am always right and will give you the correct opinions that you need so you don’t sound like a fucking moron.

Best Movie: X-Men 3: The Last Stand
I haven’t seen many new movies this year, and the ones I saw were just decent. I mean, Borat was funny, but I’m already an Ali G fan, so it was nothing new. I didn’t bother with The Departed because I’d already seen the original (and its two awful sequels), so it’s old hat. Science of Sleep was a huge letdown, and Little Miss Sunshine is still in my Netflix queue. That leaves X-Men 3, which everyone hated but me. Because people are morons. I mean, X-Men rocked. You had loads of mutants, a whole lot of stupid, senseless action, and Jean-Luc Picard got vaporized. You can’t beat that.

Best Documentary: Metal: A Headbanger’s Journey
I didn’t see this, but apparently Geddy Lee of Rush makes an appearance. That automatically puts this ahead of An Inconvenient Truth, the runner-up. Sorry Al – next time, get Rush. (Why We Fight was pretty good, too.)

Best DVD: Greg the Bunny: Best of the Film Parodies
Bryan’s been bugging me for weeks to review this DVD already, but I find it impossible to describe just how fucking brilliant it is. I can’t even do it here. Just get it.

Best CD: Nouvelle Vague’s “Bande a Part”
Morons worldwide think that their first is better, and that this album is (huh?) a letdown. Cmon. I mean, CMOOOON! This album is fucking brilliant. And I HATE novelty albums! Their choice of covers is pitch perfect, and the execution is something to behold. Their haunting version of Echo’s The Killing Moon. The sweetly upbeat Ever Fallen In Love, the chilling Don’t Go, the adorable Dance With Me. Okay, the album stumbles midway and gets a little dull, but CMOOOON! Shit is fucking beautiful, man.
Runner-up: Camera Obscura’s “Let’s Get Out Of This Country” – A nearly perfect collection of amazing twangy, orchestral indie-pop songs. It takes a couple of listens, but get it.

Best Song: (tie) Helen Love’s “Junkshop Discotheque” and The Pipettes “Your Kisses Are Wasted On Me”
Helen Love’s new single is a kitchen sink mix of everything she’s done, and it works. It’s a driving, booty shaking pop-punk song that mixes in surf, disco, electrodance, casio punk, and bubblegum. It even mixes in themes and lyrics from her other songs (something she does often, and it’s always fun instead of irritatingly self-referential). Find it on Myspace. The Pipettes tune I’m sure you’ve already heard. It’s a flawless, hand-clapping mix of 60s girl band and 80s Toni Basil / Bow Wow Wow. I only wish the rest of the album (besides the similar “We Are the Pipettes”) was as upbeat, and not as steeped in the sappy 60s style.

Best Video Game: Final Fantasy XII
Honestly, I only play Katamari and Final Fantasy games, no matter how bad they are. FFXII probably isn’t as good as Gears of War and all that fancy shmancy Next Gen crap, but what can I say? Chocobos make me pop massive boners.

Best Comedian: Louis C.K.
I can’t sit through an episode of Lucky Louie, but I saw Louis C.K. do standup twice this year. The first time was at a Katrina benefit show, and honestly, I went to see Jeanine Garofalo and David Cross. Louis C.K. blew them away. The second time, he was the only good comedian on Denis Leary’s overrated Leary & Friends tour. (Denis Leary was awful.) As a runner-up, I also have to nominate fellow Home Movies alumni Jon Benjamin, who showed a homoerotic slideshow documenting his ecstasy trip shared with his 6-year-old son. Genius.

Best Reason to Kill Yourself: The Mets
My heart is still broken. I can never look at Mr. Met with the same sex-hungry eyes again.

Best Sex: Your mom
She is such a dirty slut.