You are reading this for three reasons:

1) You are at least intelligent enough to recognize that my opinion is the only one that matters.

2) You stalk me.

3) You stumbled here after doing a search on “barnyard porn.” Because “barnyard porn” appears on this page a staggering ten times. That’s right: “barnyard porn.”

So without further ado, here is my extremely important, highly vital, and gravely indispensable Best & Worst of 2004 list.

Best Movie: Shaun of the Dead / Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Keep in mind I haven’t yet seen Garden State, Sideways, House of Flying Daggers, Kinsey, The Aviator, Ray, or Superbabies 2: Baby Geniuses.

Worst Movie: Ocean’s 12
This movie is about the theft of the century… your $10 to see this movie.

Worst Movie With Best Sex Scene: The Brown Bunny
While this movie is about as bad as a handjob by an amputee, it does feature a most deliciously salacious scene! I speak of course about Vincent Gallo being blown by Roger Ebert.

Worst Movie With Twist You Can See A Mile Away: The Village
It takes place in present day! Didn’t you see the “Welcome to Newark” sign??

Best CD: Le Tigre “This Island”
I can’t believe women can make such good music! And all this time I thought they were just good for pumping out babies!

Worst CD: Anything a press kit would call “melodic punk” (emo), “cathartic hardcore” (screamo), “melodic power pop songwriting akin to Elvis Costello” (horrible emo that probably has a day of the week in their name); anything considered “metalcore” (bad thrash without the musicianship and a singer who sounds like the Cookie Monster); anything called “raw” (crappy hipster bandwagon jumpers), “dynamic” (unenjoyably noisy), or “post-punk” (boring pretentious crap); The Darkness (bad Queen), Coheed & Cambria (bad King Crimson), the Rush EP (bad Rush). Just kidding, there’s no such thing as bad Rush.
Honorable mention: Green Day “American Idiot.” I love how all the critics are hailing it as a new, thoughtful, genius Green Day. Hello? They’re Green Day. They should be writing 2-minute songs about masturbating and flinging poop. Since when should anyone care about what Green Day thinks about the socioeconomic political issues of the day?

Best New TV Show/Cartoon: The Venture Bros.
The best stuff on Adult Swim is always the stuff no one cares about. First the brilliant Home Movies got the shaft, and now this hilariously twisted version of Johnny Quest gets bumped to the middle-of-the-night infomercial tv wasteland. This is why I despise America with the steely hatred of a Bolshevik.

Worst New TV Show/Cartoon: Hi Hi Puffy Ami Yumi
Unlike the rest of the world, I try not to watch bad television, and I tend to stick primarily with local news and cartoons. The latter being the reason why I caught a couple of episodes of Hi Hi Puffy Ami Yumi, a Powerpuff Girl rip-off featuring the J-pop duo who are real-life cuties. Their animated counterparts look like Fairly Oddparents throwbacks, and the voice acting is so atrocious and un-cute, you’ll wish Ami and Yumi just used their terrible broken English instead. The show makes me hate all things alive, and it is forcing me closer to the brink of turning myself into a psychotic human-terminating robot.

Best Commercials: Anything Pharmaceutical
Commercials are made to persuade you into buying something. That’s why I love any commercial that ends with “May cause diarrhea.”

Worst Commercials: Geico
They have about fifteen different ad campaigns, and the one I’m talking about isn’t the one with the CGI gecko lizard thing. Some of those are actually kind of cute. (Not the “everyone was kung-fu fighting!” one — that one can burn in hell.) I’m talking about the campaign that’s like, “Hi, I just stabbed your mother seventeen times in the face and then used her crushed skull as a dartboard. But I have some good news for you!” “What’s that?” “I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico!” If there’s one thing I hate, it’s mean-spirited humor. Wouldn’t you agree, fatty?

Best Trend: Nipple Slips, Celebrity Sex Tapes, & the General Ho-ification of Hollywood
They say we love celebrity foibles and failures because we’re envious. I’ll admit to that if I can keep reading about Tara Reid’s hideous breasts coming loose and attacking people, Lindsay Lohan sharing a drunk tank with her dad, Britney Spears beginning to look like trailer trash, and Paris Hilton slutting herself on tape for coke. And nip slips for everyone! Yay!

Worst Trend: Biopics
It used to be that movies were solely based on comic books, video games, and retarded 70s tv shows that no one particularly liked back then anyway. But now there’s this slew of epic movies based on people that nobody cares about: Kinsey, that Bobby Darin movie with past-his-15-minutes Kevin Spacey, that Kevin Kline movie where he plays the same character he always plays, that Terminal movie, that Howard Hughes movie, and then there’s Troy and Alexander which I think are the same thing, and umm… Oceans 12, which is about a bunch of rich no-talents blowing a budget that could’ve fed Sri Lanka. Why would anyone care about Bobby Darin or some shlub who lived in an airport? They might as well make a movie about the crazy homeless guy who shits on my stoop every morning.

Best Book: I don’t read.
Reading is for liberals. Okay, I did enjoy Bill O’Reilly’s “Kama Sutra for Children”

Worst Book: America (The Book)
This book is bad… bad for authority! That’s right, this is actually pretty fun and subversive. Too fucking heavy to carry around though, and the bastards made it up like a textbook, which means your school bookstore will give you only $5 for it and then resell it for $80.

Best Magazine: READ
We’re the only thing worth reading. Don’t even read the instructions on your medication. Save your eyes solely for us.

Worst Magazine: Everyone else
Essentially the house organ for advertisers, these jackasses plagiarize press kits and consider themselves hip.

Best Website: Readmag.com
No pop-ups, no spyware, no nothing. Not even content.

Worst Website: Gawker.com
Oh-so-hip Manhattanites dishing about C-list celebrity sightings, and yet somehow their mundane posts find their way around the blogosphere. These are also the assholes who would use terms like “dishing” and “blogosphere”.

Best Idea I Had All Year: Edible Toilet Paper
Okay, so you’re taking a massive dump, but revisiting your egg sandwich is making you hungry again. Where could you find a little nibble while on the can? Right next to you, of course! Multi-flavored toilet paper is a great way to fill your stomach while emptying it.

Worst Idea I Had All Year: “Passion of the Christ Commemorative Condoms ™”
The design came out nice, but the little Crown of Thorns Pleasure Nubs ™ were creating too much spillage. Technology, when will you ever keep pace with my genius??

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